How do you break the news?

Recently, I did a reading for a friend, regarding the future of his relationship. It was tough for me, because he's insecure to begin with, so I knew if anything negative came up, he would take it directly to heart, and freak out.

Before I turned over the first card, I said "Listen, this isn't your future set in stone, this is more like guidance, and what the Universe wants you to know about that. If anything really bad comes up, take it as a lesson or a warning, and try to deal with it."

Well, plenty of things came up, negative, including that he was trying to control the relationship, that he was fueled by lots of unnecessary fears of betrayal, lots of false notions, and that he was fueled by violent emotions. At the end, the 8 of swords came up, in a "Where is this relationship headed in the future?" position...

I have a problem, though. The filter that goes between my brain to my mouth doesn't always work. I blurted out "Imprisonment". Then I went on to explain how it's not inevitable, and all the positive points of the card, but overall, how he should avoid entrapping her in situations, moreover in the relationship. I said all this, while studying the card, not looking at him, and when I finally looked up, his eyes were filled with tears.

So, after seeing him this way, I reminded him of the negative stuff that came up, from his side, and to use them as lessons on how not to be, or what to let go.

I still felt like a heel. It was difficult for me, and a very emotional reading for both of us.

How does everyone handle the difficult stuff?


I just realized, I probably stuck this in the wrong place, I'm sorry...this probably belongs in Talking Tarot.

i don't usually pull any punches...and sometimes people need to hear where THEY are to blame..before they can work on it. You don't know why he was crying...other than asumptions... my asumption is that he felt ashamed ...and it was an emotional reading.

My best advice here is to say... you are a great friend..and keep reminding him...that the cards show possiblities..but mostly they show someone's natrual tendencies...and they were being shown to him so that he can work on them...so that someday he won't feel so insecure about his relationships.

8 of swords as for where the relationship is going is an apt card: if he remains
'trapped' by his negativity (as shown in the other cards) then the relationship
has troubles. I think you have handled this gently and with compassion.

LadyKathryn said:

i don't usually pull any punches...and sometimes people need to hear where THEY are to blame..before they can work on it. You don't know why he was crying...other than asumptions... my asumption is that he felt ashamed ...and it was an emotional reading.

Click to expand...

I agree. Look, this is not YOUR message to this guy. You're not saying, "Dude, you're a horrible boyfriend!" You're reading the cards and telling him what they say. If they want to give it to him soft--as that's the best way for him to get the message--then there ways to give it to him soft. There are gentler cards indicating similar "entrapment" than the 8/Swords. That you got the 8/Swords, however, and the word "imprisonment" flew out of your mouth doesn't say that you're a mean person. It says that you spoke out what the universe wanted you to say in the way it wanted you to say it. Because it was an important message and the cards knew that nothing else was going to get through to him.

It's very easy for people who don't want to see the truth to hide from it, to excuse what they're doing as not being wrong or mean, but as being necessary. The cards didn't want him to excuse himself. They wanted him to see himself clearly so he could decide, with no ifs, ands or buts, what he wanted to do. If he keeps on acting as he's acting, then he's going to be doing so knowing that he's doing wrong and where it's going to lead him. He can't pretend any longer that it's for any good reason or toward any good end.

You must realize, on you end, that this is what it means to be a tarot reader. People mess up, go in wrong directions, make mistakes or commit sins. We can be kind and forgiving and understanding on our own, but if we pick up those cards, then we are doing a certain job--being asked to do that job even if the people asking us to do it don't know it. And that job is to say what is and what will be if things keep on as they are. We don't know what we'll see, rewarding or damning, kind or cruel. But what we see is what is, and how we see it is usually how the querent needs to see it, otherwise there'll be no chance of salvation or change for them.

It's not up to us to soft sell them on the truth. It's up to the cards. Which isn't to say that we shouldn't have people skills--or that we can't mess up and say something insulting (we shouldn't bring our own issues to the table, right?). But usually the cards give us that image that gives us that word which needs to be said. Like "imprisonment." The question you have to ask yourself is if you're all right being the mouthpiece of the cards and sometimes saying such things, even if they leave people profoundly hurt. That's part of being a reader. Not everyone can do it, or wants to do it.

I definitely preface the reading with saying that whatever I read is not my fault, is open to interpretation to some extent, and that it could possibly soudn harsh. If they understand that from the beginning, you can't go too far down from there.

You deliver the message in as compassionate a way as possible by putting yourself in the position of the sitter and thinking how you'd like the same news to be presented to you if you were in their shoes.

Thanks so much for the insight and guidance, it helps a lot. When I posted this, I started out curious as to how everyone handled situations like this, I hadn't planned on posting the details, but out it came. I guess it was something that weighed on me, a little.

Normally, I'm ok telling it exactly like it is, but this was just about the most negative reading I've done, concerning a relationship situation. It was a lot to digest, then translate...then the tears.

In retrospect, I don't think I felt bad, or mean, but just sort of a pitiful empathy, for his emotions. I am definitely not sorry that we had that reading, or that everything popped out like that.

Side note, I hung out with the guy and his girlfriend on Friday, and they were so very happy together, and I didn't see his usual oppressive arm over her shoulder, or his looming over her, all the time, so here's to better living through tarot.

I still want to hear more, though. I'm interested in learning more about reading for others, in all situations, and I would like to hear the negative side, so I welcome more anecdotes and insight.

Sometimes tears indicate breakthrough, which is exactly what's needed. Empathy in response makes perfect sense, and I'm glad you've seen your way past it to realize that it wasn't an indicate that you did wrong.

Lilija said:

Recently, I did a reading for a friend, regarding the future of his relationship. It was tough for me, because he's insecure to begin with, so I knew if anything negative came up, he would take it directly to heart, and freak out.

Before I turned over the first card, I said "Listen, this isn't your future set in stone, this is more like guidance, and what the Universe wants you to know about that. If anything really bad comes up, take it as a lesson or a warning, and try to deal with it."

Well, plenty of things came up, negative, including that he was trying to control the relationship, that he was fueled by lots of unnecessary fears of betrayal, lots of false notions, and that he was fueled by violent emotions. At the end, the 8 of swords came up, in a "Where is this relationship headed in the future?" position...

I have a problem, though. The filter that goes between my brain to my mouth doesn't always work. I blurted out "Imprisonment". Then I went on to explain how it's not inevitable, and all the positive points of the card, but overall, how he should avoid entrapping her in situations, moreover in the relationship. I said all this, while studying the card, not looking at him, and when I finally looked up, his eyes were filled with tears.

So, after seeing him this way, I reminded him of the negative stuff that came up, from his side, and to use them as lessons on how not to be, or what to let go.

I still felt like a heel. It was difficult for me, and a very emotional reading for both of us.

How does everyone handle the difficult stuff?


I just realized, I probably stuck this in the wrong place, I'm sorry...this probably belongs in Talking Tarot.

Click to expand...

Well, I can only tell you what I would do, and of course we are all different.

First, if a friend wanted a reading from me about their relationship and I thought they would freak out if something negative came up, I would not do the reading.

If I have a doubt about their ability to handle anything that might come up I would not do the reading. I have been known on more than one occasion to ask the querent, when the question is a sensitive one, if they are sure they prepared to hear the answer no matter what comes up. I tell them that if I do the reading, I have no control of what cards will come up, so I won't do it unless they are sure they are ready to handle anything that comes up.

I mean I don't have this converation often, but if I suspect the querent might get info they may not be able to handle well,. I am cautious before starting such a reading.

That being said, IF your friend had wanted a reading from me and I thought he may not take it well if anything negative came up, I might still do it but just with a general question that could not get a negative answer.

Like instead of asking what future the relationship was heading towards (an answer that could go either way), I would suggest asking something like "What (positive) steps can "X" (the friend) take now that will help ensure his relationship grows strong in a positive and beautiful way?" Or somethign to that effect. Instead of asking what the future was, I would ask what he can do not to create a positive future between him and his SO. And in that way, if he takes the advice, things should improve/head off in a better direction.

IF I had done the reading about his relationship as you did., I do agree I also would have told him the future is not set in stone. Which is very true. But to me the cards are also more than guidance. They can and do accurately predict the future he is heading towards at the time yuo did the reading. That future can be changed, but that is the future he IS headingd towards UNLESS he consciously takes steps to avoid it.

Well it is not surprising that insecurity/fears of betrayal can lead to controlling behavour and all the rest you saw. These things can be interconnected. The fear of betrayal can make you controlling and then when you act controlling the other pulls back,which can lead to more fear of betrayal. (sigh). Looks like a nice vicious circle kind of thing.

Well if you had gone that far, agreed to do the reading and if all that you saw is what you saw in the cards, then he probably needs to know. If he was lead to ask you and you saw what you saw, the universe is trying to get that message to him. But here is the point where, imho, you need to be careful how you word things and to be careful to always show both sides of the coin. There is a natural duality in Tarot. Nothing in life is ALL bad and nothing is ALL good.

If you have to lay bad news on someone, and especially if you doubt their ability to handle it well, always show both sides to the coin, always show the good with the bad. It is always there if you look for it and the cards will include that message as well.

Even make him see the other side. Something like "The cards are saying you are trying to be somewhat controlling in the relationship. Think back to a time when someone was very controlling with you. How did it feel for you? If you did not like being treated that way, how would you have liked to have been treated in that situation at that time. Well then take a deep breath and work on treating your SO as you would have wanted to be treated."

Not all that is strictly in the cards, but I would do it. That is just one example. It softens the blow, leads to understanding and might well help the relationship. We are helpers after all.

If you blurted out "imprisonment" then it was meant to come out. It was something he needed to hear and think about. My beliefis that in life if we are really not meant to say something, we are usually prevented.

One more thing to consider, if you find that the filter beteween "your brain and your mouth does not always work" (I know the feeling, I tend to just say whatever I am thinking) maybe your path is not to read for others in person, but to do remote readings.

That has been my path, I really dislike reading in person. But I happily do readings for those how need me sitting alone at my computer. I then either print them and hand them to those who live in my city or e-mail them to those who don't. I much prefer this method for myself. And it gives me all the time I need to think and rephrase.

Those are my ideas for tonight.

Babs

That's a lot of good stuff there, SunChariot. Wow. I thought long and hard, why I went through with the reading, afterwards, and again upon reading your train of thought, and it just had to be.

I've been friends with him for 21 years, and I've seen him spoil every single relationship he's ever been in, including a few real long term deals. Pretty much what you see here. He turns to me, in a sisterly way, for advice, and I try to give it to him, the best I can, as a female, as a friend of whatever girl he's actively screwing up. He -never- takes my advice. He always thinks I'm siding with the girlfriend, because I am a woman, and we stick together. I overheard him talking to my husband one day, saying "I usually talk to Lili, but I don't think she understands me...you're a guy, you know where I'm coming from, right?" Which is met with blank stares, because hubs often tells him the same exact stuff that I try to. I guess I'm digressing, but there's a history here.

We love this guy, he has some serious mental problems, and we want to see him happy, in a loving and stable relationship, and free of his many demons.

Opportunity knocked, with the readings. He popped over one day, while I was studying, and I asked him if he wanted a New Year reading and it turned out ok-not-great. He handled it well, though. We analyzed the relationship part, in depth. It just had to be said, I guess. I happen to like his current girlfriend, and I think she is very good for him. He needed to get off his path of self destruction, once and for all. The cards pointed this out, to him, and suprised me.


As far as my brain running a direct wire to my mouth, and things just popping out? I think that serves me well, in life. I've always been taught "you may not like what I say, but at least you can respect me for being honest". I think that will also serve, in reading for others. It helps me read for myself too, I know I don't diffuse things, or make them out better than they seem to be.

I do like reading online for people, though, so it's definitely one productive avenue, to look at. That, and I don't have a huge base of people to read for face to face. I do like that typing gives me time to structure my thoughts.

Thanks for the really thoughtful response, it gave me a ton to think about.