Reading Boundaries: Referrals and Refusals

We've been talking quite a bit on another thread http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=135835&page=1&pp=50 about "opening up a can of worms" for a querent in a reading and then having no way to help them. Some of the issues that came up were:

Overestimating your skills, especially to do therapy/ counselling because you read tarot - perhaps "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing" sometimes applies here

yet

Exploring psychological ideas (like Jung's) with reference to Tarot and using them to inform your tarot practice.

Here's a link Teheuti found http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/tarot-texas/1848741248b9386e062b89a0a5dd15c3 by someone who doesn't appear to know what they are talking about, for example.

So, I was wondering. Under what conditions would you refuse someone a reading because you thought they needed more than you could give them? Have you done this?

and

Under what conditions would you refer someone to another person, because you felt you couldn't help? Have you done this?

I suppose it is a question of how you keep yourself and your querents safe, in the psychological sense.

this a great topic Aerin!!

I think people forget that if they havent had certain training, your not qualified to give advice, and also you shouldnt give advice, its only guidence you can give.

I think readers need to be aware of their limitations, and the limitations of tarot. This is an individual thing because we do have other skills that can work with tarot, i use it when counselling. I wouldnt give someone financial advice as i dont have those qualifications, i am also not a doctor so if i saw something that might be related to those or other subjects that i am nto qualified for , i would refer them.
I would also refer people that i felt were beyond my counselling skills (i.e. suicides, self harm, serious mental issues) because i only studied to a certain level.

It's odd because I would have thought that if a person needs help, then - I'm sure we would all agree - the first step has to come from them. They have to go out there and see where they can find help...

And I think - for the average person - conventional, fully qualified therapy is going to be way higher up on the list of *potential help* than going to a tarot reader to work through your issues.

Surely if someone has serious issues that go very deep and they think of a tarot or an Oracle reading before they think of fully qualified, long-term therapy then something is wrong. If someone came to me with an issue which ws considered very, very deep then I would immediately tell them that this was a subject for professionals. It wouldn't take much to tell them...

What do I consider very, very deep (I hear you all ask)? For me, anything to do with sexuality (as in gay? bi? Sex change? Worrying fetish?), serious depression, living with abuse of any kind... To be honest ( & YMMV etc), I only really use tarot for the day to day stuff; decisions, relationships, upcoming job offers, work-strife, personality clashes &c

But maybe I'm out of my depth in this discussion because I am not a preofessional reader; I don't earn my living from this, which perhaps puts me in a different position...

I don't earn my living from it either, and this is one of the reasons why (just one). But I do read for others all the same, and sometimes (rarely) I pay for a reading.

I would send someone elsewhere with the same sort of issues you mention Le Fanu and 214red - and interestingly this was no different when I was a professional coach.

I'm not sure if it is any different if you are a counsellor, or a coach, or a tarot reader????? The issue of knowing your limits I mean. That's one of the reasons I asked.

knowing your limits is the most important thing i think, if you dont you shouldnt be reading for others.

I do think some readers let their ego get in the way sometimes and forget they dont have a magic wand when they learnt tarot , they are still the same person they dont get special powers.

Aerin said:

So, I was wondering. Under what conditions would you refuse someone a reading because you thought they needed more than you could give them? Have you done this?

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Yes, couple of times so far and every time it was very unpleasant. Where i am, there is very strong stigma against getting counseling / seeing a therapist (one is labeled "crazy" and that's about it - reputation, career, everything is over- that's why most when they have to, seek treatment abroad, not here), also there isn't an institution of "confession" within the Christian Orthodoxy (not in the way its done in Catholic tradition)... so i got to hear stuff that i honestly, really had no clue what to do about. I think the main "advantage" was that the word was spread there wasn't any judging in reading Tarot and confidentiality was guaranteed... that was enough to get me on the verge of nervous break down, because i had all these people telling me all their darkest secrets and deepest problems that i in no way was trained to deal with...
Also, people get dependent once they feel they can open up without consequences... ugh. I felt very burdened and totally drained and had to stop that for the sake of my own well being.

I think we carry a great responsibility as readers. Even what we might consider small questions can be seen as huge for the sitter. What we say affects their thoughts. Thoughts affect attitudes which affect lives. This can be good or bad. I hope that we all want only the good, but the possibility for the bad is still there.

I also hope that none of us would deliberately say something harmful, but that does not mean that we, or the cards, might say something that sets off a downward spiral of brooding and negativism in the sitter without us even knowing that it happened.

I don't have the answer, but I think this is an important thing for all readers to consider.

What we say does affect the sitter. They care what we say or they would not be there getting a reading.

It's a Sunny day here in Alabama, and I hope you all feel this positive energy!
Namaste

It is sunny here too and cold

This is a good topic, we are in to a discussion of ethics lately in this forum which I think is a good thing. It is good for newbies to see that their are consequences to their readings.

A new reader may not see that their readings may be taken quite seriously by their querents, even if they tell them they are a new reader.

It is important that we as readers, consider how the readings we give can be interpreted. Querents can easily misconstrue and take advice out of context. When I see an area that I think might be tricky, I tell them what I see, and sometimes will haven them repeat it back to me so that I know they have it right. For instance, A while ago, I did a reading for a man, I found that their was a situation involving a woman, an argument/legal battle and money. He confirmed that he was in a legal dispute with his wife's sister following his wife's passing, over his wife's estate. He hadn't really pursued it but was depending upon this money for college tuition, retirement etc. I read and told him that what I saw was that he needed to act on this, to protect hiimself and their children. I did not give financial advice! I told him to find legal/financial professionals to help him out.

I often tell people that a tarot reading is like the person who is flashing their headlights as you drive down the road. You know that that means their is a cop somewhere. The decision is yours on what to do. You can slow down, turn around, turn off on another street or keep speeding..the person flashing their lights is not responsible for your choices. They were just warning you there might be a situation ahead.

moderndayruth said:

that was enough to get me on the verge of nervous break down, because i had all these people telling me all their darkest secrets and deepest problems that i in no way was trained to deal with...
Also, people get dependent once they feel they can open up without consequences... ugh. I felt very burdened and totally drained and had to stop that for the sake of my own well being.

Click to expand...

I think that is an important point too, knowing how to protect yourself. When I was at school I had a friend who was (looking back) depressed and it exhausted me trying to help without any understanding of how to go about it. I learnt from that experience.

RexMalaki said:

I think we carry a great responsibility as readers. .....I don't have the answer, but I think this is an important thing for all readers to consider.

It's a Sunny day here in Alabama, and I hope you all feel this positive energy!
Namaste

Click to expand...

I think that knowing that there is a responsibility is part of an answer maybe? Sunny here too btw

When I see an area that I think might be tricky, I tell them what I see, and sometimes will haven them repeat it back to me so that I know they have it right.

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That's a good point. Teheuti said something about this too on the other thread. It can be so easy to hear what you want to hear especially when vulnerable.

It's pretty easy for me to tell people that I don't do financial, medical, legal, etc. readings, nor do I read about what's going on with someone else in their lives. I offer to reframe their issue so the focus is on what they "need to know right now about the situation" or some other phrasing that focuses on them (What is their anxiety is really about? etc.). I want them to feel pro-active about their own needs.

The most difficult situations I've encountered (and have returned money in some cases) are with people who are delusional, and I don't just mean mental cases. These are people who insist that you tell them what they want to hear and are desperately resisting/blocking the reality of a situation. A very few need serious help or medication. I try to steer them toward getting help and to give them some simple, uplifting thought about their ability to do so (being very careful not to be too "suggestive" about anything as it's easy for these people to turn everything you say around). Occasionally I've frankly told someone I can't help them—as a result I've been phone stalked by one person who periodically goes off her medication and thinks I'm either her saviour or the devil.

But, most of these people are basically healthy and simply have blocks and delusions in the particular area they're asking about. Most of the ones I've encountered would never go to a therapist because "there is no problem" on their part—things just keep getting in their way (or whatever their excuse is). I'll nudge at the situation a little but, if the person is determined to hold onto their delusion, I never force it. It's usually a sign that they are protecting themselves from a truth too difficult to bear and I respect that. Also, I could be wrong!

If I see an area that seems ripe for the person to explore (a mother or father or early childhood issue), etc. I suggest that it would be a very rich area for them to explore in counseling or therapy, without going into specifics. Most of my clients know exactly what I'm talking about and appreciate hearing that this could be a fruitful time for them to finally deal with it.

The truth is that issues that have been avoided for years in life and even in therapy can come up very quickly in a tarot reading, even if you're trying to not get psychological. People will be very open about things they'd never tell their therapist! I prefer acknowledging the importance of the issue and giving referrals (or sources of referrals). Many people have thanked me for pointing them in the right direction.

Since I won't see anyone more often than once or twice a year I don't get involved in on-going situations.