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View Full Version : Complaints - how do you handle them?


Moongold
09-07-2005, 14:16
I wonder how people respond when they feel challenged or offended by the posts of others.

The Poll is anonymous and you can elaborate if you feel like it :). I am the Complaints Officer where I work, so I am used to anything.

If I have a problem here I usually try to resolve it with the person in the thread if issue based or by PM if private/personal.

But once I would have simply suffered in silence. A couple of times I've walked around the block and a couple of times I've fired off responses that I've later regretted.

Sometimes I've wept into my pillow.

Sometimes I've been so surprised at the complaint as to be speechless for quite some time.

A couple of times I have nearly left altogether. I'm glad that I didn't.

What do you do? You have permission to be light hearted or passionate but not personal

Note: I did not know quite where to put this thread because it probably relates to the operations of the Forum, which affect everyone. Technical Support seems to be the only logical place but if Moderators feel it should be moved, feel free :).

You can vote in the poll ANONYMOUSLY and come back later to write anything else so that you're not identified :).

firemaiden
09-07-2005, 15:33
Well, lets see, there were a few posts in the past that upset me deeply, usually I ended up blubbering over my keyboard, and looking for victims in chat to complain to, and plotting some kind of subtle revenge, like beheading. (that was before I became a moderator :D).

Silverkitten
09-07-2005, 15:34
Well, I voted for several. Because different issues sometimes are dealt with differently.
Sometimes I will regretably shoot off a response directly to the thread. I always try to be very diplomatic, but the emotion, more often than not hurt, always leaks through. I have found that this is most often the wrong way to handle the situation and it is best handled via PM's. If that fails then you have the moderator to fall back on.
But for me personally, the bottom line is that the issue always end in peace.
And sometimes that may mean that I need to step away from the computer and have a few stiff drinks, LOL

Moongold
09-07-2005, 15:49
Well, lets see, there were a few posts in the past that upset me deeply, usually I ended up blubbering over my keyboard, and looking for victims in chat to complain to, and plotting some kind of subtle revenge, like beheading. (that was before I became a moderator :D).
I forgot the blubbering over the key board. Being a delayed reactor, I've gone out for walk and found myself blubbering - couldn't see the beauty of nature then :).

I've actually done Tarot readings as well to help understand what was going on. Remember that wonderful spread that Mimers or LawGuy51 brought back from a Rachel Pollack workshop? It uses Court cards to analyse relationships. I've used that a few times.

Now the "appearance" of conflict does not disturb so much. Being a global community there is so much here that takes away from the "personal". Cultures are very different in values and customs and sometimes it is simply one of these often "unknown" boundaries that one crosses.

I have lit a few candles and burnt a little incense to calm myself on occasion however (not in front of VIII Justice or XVI Tower though).

Moongold
09-07-2005, 15:55
But for me personally, the bottom line is that the issue always end in peace.


That is so true. We are simply an internet community. I often picture Aeclectic as a huge web encompassing the world. Like the spider web, the strands are very tenuous and fragile but so important. Such delicate threads can be easily broken and, as this is the only Tarot community for many, that would be a tragedy to have happen.

I hope there are not too many tipsy spiders out there, however :D.

The Dreamer
09-07-2005, 15:57
I've been wondering lately what it is about message boards that makes people get so riled up.
This was the first message board I ever participated in. Recently, I've begun looking around at other message boards- and most of them look like a wasteland of triviality, misunderstanding, and insults. It's kind of scary, and depressing, and sad.

I assume that what makes this one better is:
1) Everyone here is trying to "look deeper" than their surface concerns, by virtue of that fact that they are interested in Tarot;
2) Forum rules which keep things running well;
3) Good moderation.

Yet even here there are conflicts. They seem to stem from difference of opinion about deeply held ideas, personality conflicts on a basic level, or misunderstanding.

A lot of the message board problems in general seem to stem from the idea that "you don't know what my motivation is"- people saying this to each other. Discerning the motives of others is difficult in real life, and moreso when communication is only through the written word.

One message board I've been frequenting is about personality types. It is a disaster. It degenerates constantly into "you're not the type you say you are" or "I hate these types" and ridiculous and painful picking apart of people's slightest traits, wording, etc. Most people there appear to be self obsessed. And then there are the poor souls who go there looking to be typed. They don't understand their own basic motivations and expect these self satisfied, self amused people (many of whom don't even know their own motivation) to help them. The whole thing is a terrible spectacle.

My whole deal is to understand what the truth is. I've gotten into a couple of heated verbal exchanges here, mainly, I think, due to misunderstanding and differing motivations. I respect those who I had the disagreements with and think we came to greater understanding both personally and collectively because of it.

This is truly a special place. I would really hate to see any of the members here leave due to misunderstanding or strong emotions. Passion about ideas is good, and conflict is inevitable. Our challenge is how to hear the ideas of the other and explore our own without unnecessary hurt and misunderstanding occuring.

Fulgour
09-07-2005, 16:11
Among others I also checked "Other" too...
Lots of times my abrasive side gets attention:

I will come back when I believe spirituality
is being undermined, where mockers brazen
to intimidate fresher imaginations new alight.

Am I unmannerly? Try me and see... please.

MCsea
09-07-2005, 16:17
I just want to add that in this line of 'interest' my GOLDEN RULES are 'everything goes' and 'everything is in divine order'. If you consider one of these to be in truth, then nothing posted or PM'd has a deep lasting impact, indeed when you live by these rules, EVERYTHING has meaning.. I just dont have time to KNOW WHY for everything ;) YET!

Like The Dreamer says perfectly this is a site where face value is not usually taken so the 'higher' good goes on, I too have been to other boards where humpf there is no polite way to put it, it is a drama-a-holic socitey - which following my 2 golden rules is FINE, so I let it go which is not always leaving.. but not always getting involved.

Hmmm it is interesting when some one - or a particular topic is judged..

Everything IS in Divine order...

Marina

Silverkitten
09-07-2005, 16:44
That is so true. We are simply an internet community. I often picture Aeclectic as a huge web encompassing the world. Like the spider web, the strands are very tenuous and fragile but so important. Such delicate threads can be easily broken and, as this is the only Tarot community for many, that would be a tragedy to have happen.

I hope there are not too many tipsy spiders out there, however :D.

Yes!! Finally a visual that I could put on AT. It is so very much like that. Thank you for the brilliant discription.

I hope there are not too many tipsy spiders out there, however :D
LOL, just the laugh I needed before I tuck myself into bed for the night. I hear my book and my heating pad calling my name.

Blessings!!!

Silverkitten
09-07-2005, 16:54
Among others I also checked "Other" too...
Lots of times my abrasive side gets attention:

I will come back when I believe spirituality
is being undermined, where mockers brazen
to intimidate fresher imaginations new alight.

Am I unmannerly? Try me and see... please.

No Fulgour, I have never thought you to be unmannerly so I won't try you, sorry to disappoint, LOL. (just joking)
However, I will say that I've always found your posts to be full of wisdom and your logic to be refreshing. I always know that I can read one of your posts and walk away with something to chew on and usually learn from it.
Thank You.

Blessings,
Donna

Moonbow
09-07-2005, 18:09
I think I'm an 'other'

Firstly I am usually hurt, then I get angry, then I calm down and think about the issue, then I try to see the other persons point of view, then I either post a reply disagreeing politely or I find that I've been won round. Sometimes I decide that the issue isn't worthy of a response and that I would rather put my energies into something more positive.

...... ummm not necessarily in that order either. :)

WolfyJames
10-07-2005, 01:14
Usually, I try to calm down first and let it pass. I prefer rereading it afterwards and see if I misinterpreted what I read the first time. Sometimes I get emotional over something and I don't read well. My English is not super good so I'm very careful about it. I take the time to reread many times and see if it's worth me making a comment about it. Sometimes the subject is silly and/or personal or sometimes others are coming up with good arguments that go in the sense of what I would like to say, so I see no use to respond. When I respond, I try to be calm, explicite and objective but I think sometimes my anger passes through anyway.

I never PM people who upset me. I either forget about them or respond in the thread.

ArcanoMáximo
10-07-2005, 02:36
Thanks Moongold by this thread, sure very illustrative. I reply in the same thread. I think that is the best since the humilliation was public too, and also important show to others clearly which is our own position. I don't mind if all is about a difference of points of view, what i don't like are lacks of respect, insults, that type of things. Also I believe that we must be careful in jokes, we cannot insult someone and to put a smiling icon at side! Perhaps some time i felt that could have affected someone, but immediately I asked them excuses also in the same one thread, besides sending private excuses. What has impressed me the most is as the others immediately respond as against as in defense. I guess these are the rules of the game.When i feel sad, to feel the support from others immediately cures me, that was enough for me. I guess ppl can made mistakes some times, and the best is remains open. That's why I don't put anyone in ignoring lists, neither I expect to avenge, nor avoid to intervene in some of their threads. I trust ppl is good at the bottom, but is very important learn to ask for apologizes.

Alta
10-07-2005, 02:49
I just voted and note that the responses are rather spread out across the various choices. No doubt most, as I did, voted for more than one.

I have gotten offended here, though thankfully it is rare. In fact Moongold I am sure that you recall the last time I was offended, as it was on your behalf.

WolfyJames makes an excellent point, and one I try to practice. That is, to read the post several times and not to attribute any emotion to it. Once you start to overlay your own emotional reaction, and hence 'project' onto the post author, well, it is all over but the shouting.

Moongold
10-07-2005, 03:04
I have gotten offended here, though thankfully it is rare. In fact Moongold I am sure that you recall the last time I was offended, as it was on your behalf.

Yes, I do remember, and was very grateful for your calm support and the fact that you acted quickly to help resolve the matter.

We are fortunate in the Moderators we have at Aeclectic. Sometimes they have quite complicated situations to help resolve - a mixture of feelings, values. dearly held beliefs, projections, good intentions perhaps gone wrong, forum rules - the whole package of human beliefs and behaviour.

Most people who contribute to the Forums will end up stepping on someone's toes sooner or later. It would be a dull place and something would be wrong if that did not happen, ever. It is how these things are resolved that interests me. This communication represents the fundamental substance of relationships.

ArcanoMáximo
10-07-2005, 03:16
"It would be a dull place and something would be wrong if that did not happen, ever"
Of course, a very wise thought!

tao51
10-07-2005, 03:27
I have been irritated by several different posts. My usual reaction is to grin and bear it. If it is something meriting a response--I will post. Obviously, we all have issues that we are passionate toward. I have been part of boards which broke up into petty infighting. I find this very sad. I have read direct attacks on a poster by a gaggle of others (on other boards). I have never seen that level here. I do feel, in this case, I would place these people on my ignore list.--Peace--Tao

Flidais
10-07-2005, 05:22
I clicked a couple of things, plus "Other."

Based on my experiences in several forums, I have decided that the best thing for me is to simply drop out of a conversation in which I feel people are being smug, intolerant, or dismissive of views that differ from their own. I have better uses for my time.

PlatinumDove
10-07-2005, 08:40
I agree with what Flidais said. I do the same. I've had a few threads, one in particular comes to mind, where a person was being especially intolerant of any view but their own. I just dropped out of the thread, and let it be.

Free Flight
10-07-2005, 09:59
I have not been on the end of too many arguements here but I have seen some interesting threads resulting in some rather heated debates...
Personally I try to avoid conflict but on occasions when it rears its head, I send light and then disengage.

I have no one on my ignore list and never plan on putting someone on it

this forum is one of the most beautiful communities I have ever witnessed. Of course personalities sometimes bounce off one another that is the nature of humanity. I agree with the Dreamer that because people at AT are looking at tarot and growing themselves on a spiritual level that there is more cohesion and acceptance than in the general community

prudence
12-07-2005, 04:43
hmm, I choose other....but have done most on the list, except for the candle spell and revenge ones!

When I am the offending party, I immediately try to fix the problem, by editting usually! I also am obliged to feel pretty embarrassed and often quite guilty for having hurt another.

Proud to say, I have never once challenged a moderator's request that I remove a post/sentence. Whether I *meant* something a certain way, and it was "taken the wrong way" or not, I always remove it straight away.

I enjoy AT because of its peaceful civilty. I realize some people truly feel that to challenge the beliefs of others is a way to "help them grow".....I feel that my beliefs are personal, and that if I am feeling trusting enough to open my heart and share them with the others here, I am surely *not* looking to have them challenged. When my heart is open, I am at my most vulnerable, and any challenge is felt there in my heart chakra....all the challenging does in the end is cause me to distrust others with my heartfelt thoughts and beliefs. And that is not why I joined AT.

~It was my heart that led me here.

Anna
12-07-2005, 09:14
I usually stomp off in a fit of pique vowing never to return :D

Rosanne
12-07-2005, 09:40
I voted for the last six options. I have used all, tho not in the order listed. My other is to ignore adding to the thread by posting. That has been hard sometimes, as I sit there gnashing my teeth. I have sometimes answered as politely as possible- oozing civility- but no one is on my ignore list, nor have I complained to the person via PM. I have whinged to a third party like a sorry kid a few times. Anyway I put it all out to the Universe and hey Presto!! the Universe made them disappear :D When I think a thread is really dumb I sit there concentrating on the members saying "Don't post- Don't post" and again -I am so powerful that many people do not Post :D ~Rosanne

Vadella
12-07-2005, 09:45
I clicked "other" because nothing has bothered me yet. :) Hopefully, it won't.

Moonchild1721
12-07-2005, 09:54
Nothing has upset me yet here on Aeclectic, but I guess if something ever did, I would pm the person to resolve it that way.
Samantha

Emeraldgirl
12-07-2005, 10:35
I have been irritated by posts I have read but I have never been truely offended (thankfully) I ticked the options of what I thought I would do if I was. I think I'd PM the person to try and work it out if it was a personal attack. If it was a debate on a thread that had got a bit too heated I would probably drop out for a while and come back calmer and more rational.

Mother Goose
12-07-2005, 14:23
I've never been truly offended here, but have on another board....one I moderate. I had to step away & let another mod handle the situation because it upset me too much. I just stayed away from the board for a couple of days (after letting admin & the other mods know I was going to disappear for a bit.)

Moongold
12-07-2005, 14:39
Now......WHO is that very honest person who plans revenge at a later date :D :D ?

WolfSpirit
12-07-2005, 20:32
I also ticked several options.

If I would feel personally insulted I think I would try to solve it by PM - no need to make a public spectacle of it - but if that did not help I might ask a moderator to help (I haven't had to do that though)

If it is more a difference in opinion, I try not to feel personal and make a good reply with arguments they have no reply to :D or else I take the useful from the thread leave the rest behind, or go for a walk.

I haven't had many conflicts ~ maybe because I like walking and enjoying nature ;) so I can see it all in perspective.
If a whole thread irritates me I ignore it - but I have no people on ignore - that would feel weird, not being able to read everything. I can make my own decision whether or not I read something without using the ignore-feature.

Cielo
12-07-2005, 20:57
I can't say I've ever been truly offended anywhere on AT...there have been times where I have disagreed with things being said, but I don't think I have ever encountered anyone I would seriously consider putting on my ignore list. If something is not to my liking, I'll either respond in a calm manner or simply move on. There is plenty to read and relate to here in this beautiful community, no reason to get stuck on the very few annoying posts. :)

Majecot
13-07-2005, 12:11
There have been times when I was personally offended. But since I tend to steer clear of contraversial subjects, I have not been involved in some of these cyber fights that have occured, altho I do find them offensive. And have been offended for others here. I have sat and stewed over things that I read.
Rudeness to another being is unacceptable to me. If I find the topic or comments not to my taste or offensive, I do not read them, and I have frequently turned my computer off and stayed away.
I try to always think before I type, because my mother taught me to say nothing if I had nothing nice to say. Sometimes I say nothing alot :)

I do not believe that to start a flame war is ok if you start an apology thread afterwards. Those are just empty words, because the typed word is not something that can just be blurted out in the heat of an arguement. Unlike the spoken word, we have more control over what we write... take pause before hitting submit.
I do agree, there are plenty of other things to read here than someone's nasty comments. And This is not the place for them, there are plenty of boards out there that seem to thrive on insensitivity.

tao51
13-07-2005, 12:34
I do not believe that to start a flame war is ok if you start an apology thread afterwards. Those are just empty words, because the typed word is not something that can just be blurted out in the heat of an arguement. Unlike the spoken word, we have more control over what we write... take pause before hitting submit.
I do agree, there are plenty of other things to read here than someone's nasty comments. And This is not the place for them, there are plenty of boards out there that seem to thrive on insensitivity.

I could not agree more! I feel that those belong on a board dedicated to controversy.

Nevada
13-07-2005, 12:40
I answered "other".

It depends on the situation. I usually try to stay calm, not take offense and either continue to discuss as calmly as possible or walk away and do my best to let it go.

There are very few things in life I think are worth a real fight, and they don't tend to occur here. In my opinion, hurt feelings are no reason to fight.

If I think someone is being overtly insensitive and offensive toward others as well as me, is being obviously insulting, or is intimidating newcomers or the more hesitant among us, I tell them so, or if they've already been told (by someone else) and ignored it, I report it to a moderator. I think I've only done this once, and that's with 1,580 posts to my name.

Some issues will never be resolved. In this forum I can remain impersonal about them, even though they may have a strong personal impact on me. I've had my feelings hurt from time to time, but I have a tendency to believe this is more about me than about another person deliberately giving offense. My mood can affect how I take things sometimes. There are days I should stay off the internet, and many times I do.

Communication is difficult in the best of circumstances, and online isn't the best circumstance. I keep that in mind, and it stops a lot of bad feelings for me before they ever start.

If I decide to not be here, it's either because I'm very busy in other parts of my life, or I think I'm spending too much time on the forum (I'm neglecting other things I need to do), or because I'm not interested in the current discussions.

Nevada

rainwolf
13-07-2005, 13:13
HAHA--I think we both know how we respond :D :laugh: :D

Other: elevated, sharp, passive word choices

I like your idea of the candle, justice, and tower however :D

Moongold
13-07-2005, 13:35
HAHA--I think we both know how we respond :D :laugh: :D

Other: elevated, sharp, passive word choices

I like your idea of the candle, justice, and tower however :D

Hi rainwolf :D

You're a Sagittarian too - Fire sign? Well, we learned you and I ... I believe, anyway.

You know how some kids have water pistols? My water pistols as a young person were really flame throwers and I have to not carry them at all now. Sometimes I have forgotten :(.

Must say, I have never lit a fire before the Tower or Justice, however :). That would be like lighting a fire in your own house :D.

Grigori
13-07-2005, 14:07
I'm never offended, its just sometimes I'm made sad to realise not everyone is as perfect as me })

Or the true story is I brood over it over night, and then the next day I realise it was mostly in my head anyway, and I tend to see things that aren't actually there. There was that one time I went into the chat room, and told everyone how pissed off I was :D

prudence
13-07-2005, 15:13
~actually, I overlooked the "ignore" option on your poll...this is another one I haven't used...after reading TB's thread about the Ignore List, I realized it just blacks out that person's name and posts ( or did I misunderstand?)
so, it just sounds like an obstruction I'd always be annoyed with! And I don't think that there is anyone here who bothers me to such an extant that I need to do that.

I just realized that everyone here contributes something at some time that moves me deeply (in a good way)...that's good to know.

Moongold
13-07-2005, 15:32
I have used the ignore button a couple of times but never for long. It was more a psychological gesture than anything else, and when things settled down it soon became unnecessary.

WolfSpirit
13-07-2005, 18:02
~actually, I overlooked the "ignore" option on your poll...this is another one I haven't used...after reading TB's thread about the Ignore List, I realized it just blacks out that person's name and posts ( or did I misunderstand?)


We had a thread on it once and I tried it out just for fun: you still see the name but not what he/she has posted. Now if there is one thing that triggers my curiosity, that is it.
I would also feel pretty awkward to join in a discussion where I chose not to see all posts - would be a bit of a hit and miss thing.

PlatinumDove
13-07-2005, 20:59
I'm much too curious of a person to put someone on my ignore list.

Phoenix Rising
13-07-2005, 21:27
At first i used to get really riled up, and would respond directly to the thread, and probably regretted it later..Aries charging on in. Other forums normally unmoderated I would be as offensive as the person who offended me.
Then I realised how emotionally attached I had become when on forums, and thought "Shit, I'm taking this personally" I really had to look at "Why" I did this! But I'll tell you what this learning lesson, has been great for my own personal security, because now, I don't get riled up, and I have a bit of a chuckle and take it for what it is, because it's not personal, and people all think different, and have a right to their opinions!! And I would be a hypocrite, if I got sensitive to it and be offended. I say, you go guys, you got an opinion than it's alright with me!! Even if you don't agree with me :laugh:

Nevada
14-07-2005, 09:19
I'm much too curious of a person to put someone on my ignore list.Me too. I just don't think I could do that. :)

Nevada