Setting boundaries

catlin

Since terri and me had a very interesting discussion about this point, I now decided to start a thead of its own in the chat section (moddies, feel free to move) for a wider point of view.

How important is setting boundaries for you? Not only with your querents, but also with your beloved ones, etc? Are you for strict boundaries, or more laissez faire-laissez aller?

What do you think?

Apollonia

I use my intuition and go on a case by case basis. For example, I had one client who at the beginning of our relationship bugged me no end. She was always testing the boundaries, asking for things I didn't normally do, taking a lot of time after our sessions to talk, etc. At first I was very insistent on maintaining my boundaries with her, and I just dreaded seeing her walk in the door, because what I saw as her neediness and desire for control just kept escalating. At some point, though, I came to understand that she was mirroring something for me, and I decided to just relax and go with her flow instead of my own. To my astonishment, I found that when my energy changed, her insistence on how I do things just melted away, and she began remaining to chat for only a couple of minutes after each session--and, miracle of miracles, I actually starting enjoying our sessions together!

There are others that I need to show firm boundaries with, like a querent who sat down and wanted to know my birth date, because he was an astrologer, wanted to tell me all about my personality and my life, etc, When I declined to give him the information, he immediately requested that I divine for him the exact date of an approaching event. I told him flat out I didn't do those types of readings, so perhaps he would be better off going to another reader. He settled right down and we had a good reading, and was very respectful to me from that point on.

So for me it's been a matter of learning to tune in to what my intuition is telling me, stay in the moment instead of losing my focus because of fear, and allowing the Universe to surprise me with what comes up. It's working out a lot better than when I tried to set boundaries in advance for all occasions.

catlin

Apollonia said:
For example, I had one client who at the beginning of our relationship bugged me no end. She was always testing the boundaries, asking for things I didn't normally do, taking a lot of time after our sessions to talk

This reminds me of a querent I still have. She even wanted to know how much I pay for my flat to what I told her "I thought you came for a reading and not for real estates." That shut her off.

Birthdates seem always very interested for other querents, LOL. I am not so keen on giving away too much personal information about myself, so I always ask jokingly "Oh, do you want to bring me a parcel?"

Click to expand...

tmgrl2

Wonderful points, Apollonia!

I, too, like to let life bring it on....and then face the challenge of setting boundaries as we go along....what I believe happens with this mode of operating...is that we develop a whole bag of strategies for life situations and for reading situations and it becomes easier to apply them as we practice them midstream....and we trust that the flow of the Universe will send us the lessons we need to learn about boundary-setting.

With my stepchildren, it has been a 29 year lesson so far.....I married a man 14 years older than I ...when I was 33...and got five stepchildren...with the youngest in his teens and the oldest being only 9 years younger than I am.

Wow! What lessons I chose for myself....just one example..they felt that they could just come to our home any time they wished to stay over...after all it was "daddy's" house. I was furious that my husband encouraged this...to some extent it was appropriate, but I felt that courtesy demanded that they at least say...

"I was thinking of coming for a few days...next week, ..."

Well, that wasn't the way they operated. Finally, one weekend, when I was planning to have my two brothers visit...whom I hadn't seen but a few times in MANY years and one who hadn't seen my mom more than once in 27 years, I asked all of the children NOT to come that weekend and explained that it could be difficult emotionally for my family without having additional family members there.

Sure enough, on Saturday night, two of the children showed up....late in the evening. I was furious...and finally, said..."That's it! You are always welcome here, you belong here, but not without the courtesy of working with our plans...." This time, my husband backed me up.

Over the years, they grumbled occasionally , when I told them we were having guests for Thanksgiving weekend, for example..."Oh we're not welcome???" Yet, they never came anyhow, because they wouldn't let their mom be alone...In time, they, too began to realize they could set their own boundaries....I believe that be being an example of a boundary-setter, they were given "permission" to set them as well.

See what you started, cat!!

This is such an important topic, though, because I believe that boundary setting is something all of us must deal with in many aspects of our life...home, work, friendships, love, and....in Tarot.

terri

tmgrl2

catlin said:
This reminds me of a querent I still have. She even wanted to know how much I pay for my flat to what I told her "I thought you came for a reading and not for real estates." That shut her off.

I agree, cat, his kind of question is such an out-there kind of question for a sitter to ask...I totally agree with you...if the question pertains to the process and the topic of the reading, I weigh it carefully and then decide what to share...usually giving something as an example.

If I have a long-standing relationship with the sitter....my masseuse is an example....we both share more on a personal level...during reading and during massage....I also set boundaries, though, with her. There are times I want to be quiet during the entire massage, and I just have to tell her....we have a lovely level of trust built within our professional and personal relationship.

We usually "trade" services. I either do the reading as a gratuity, or, we have exchanged a session, hour for hour. Works nicely....in part because we both operate in a similar fashion.

lark

I'm pretty 9 of Wands with my boundries.
In the early days I was wide open to all humanity and got burnt up and out.
I'm not so out there any more.
I always use a timer... I've found that the soft "ding' brings my client back to reality and grounds the reading.
It allows the energy to stop.
Then I always put down the cards and ask if they would like to add more time and tell them the cost...nothing like the mention of money to find out where their bounderies are.

Only people I know very well are allowed to the house for a reading....
Others are done by phone, or are sent to the Fair I work at on the weekend.

I have all kinds of things I do ..if I'm feeling tired and a client wants a lot more time and I feel the cards are already starting to repeat themselves I'll limit the time myself..like "I only have time for 10 more minutes."

I've noticed over the years that my body sometimes dictates the ending point...if the client is asking good well thought out questions my energy remains high and I can keep going...but if it's just the same over and over in different ways...or trying to get the cards to say what they want to hear...then I get very tired and I need to stop.
It's almost like the cards won't let me go on for simply nonsense.

And I tell them that...consequently I've gotten a reputation for being a little reclusive and mysterious...which by the way isn't bad for business.
It just seems that when you are very sure of yourself and stick to what you know is best for you that brings you respect.

I've watched manipulative clients go straight to new beginner readers and worry the stuffing out of them.

As far as bounderies in life go...I am shy, and don't like parties, I understand now it is because of being clairsentient and I pick up what people think and feel in crowds...no use to try and turn it off...we'll actually I can turn it off with alcohol if I want to.
So if we are invited to things I certainly don't expect my family members to sit home if I don't feel like going...but I no longer drag myself to these functions when I don't feel like it.
To many bad experiences.
I have given myself full permission to do exactly what I "feel" I should do...and this has finally made for a very happy lark.

tmgrl2

Some excellent points, lark!

lark said:
I'm pretty 9 of Wands with my boundries.
In the early days I was wide open to all humanity and got burnt up and out.
I'm not so out there any more.

This was definitely how I was in my younger days...I really was good at burning out....

lark said:
I always use a timer... I've found that the soft "ding' brings my client back to reality and grounds the reading.
It allows the energy to stop.

True....I haven't minded the timers with the little "ding"...once though there was a very loud buzzer that the reader didn't shut off...but a nice little "ding" works...

lark said:
Then I always put down the cards and ask if they would like to add more time and tell them the cost...nothing like the mention of money to find out where their bounderies are.

That's what I do at home in my office...and btw, I only read for people in my home office that are referred by others I know or have met...If it is someone I have met in another place or by another route, I will meet them at our local cafe where I have an arrangement and an understanding with the owner.

lark said:
As far as bounderies in life go...I am shy, and don't like parties, I understand now it is because of being clairsentient and I pick up what people think and feel in crowds...no use to try and turn it off......So if we are invited to things I certainly don't expect my family members to sit home if I don't feel like going...but I no longer drag myself to these functions when I don't feel like it.
To many bad experiences.
I have given myself full permission to do exactly what I "feel" I should do...and this has finally made for a very happy lark.

Here! Here! I used to go to everything because my hubby is the "social" one. I, too, feel easily assaulted at party events...and I really don't like them at all...I do the ones I have to do. My granddaughter's graduation is this weekend, a three-day event for us....but we have chosen the parts we will attend...I am not looking forward to the wind-down party...but, hopefully, I will "get through it" and it will be tasteful.

The upside of my husband's ill health is that we go to fewer events that are noisy and crowded....and we stay for a shorter period of time.

I am putting my Morgan Greer in my purse though....I just have a feeling I should...may be good practice in boundary setting....LOL

terri

lark

I know, I often wonder how I ever happened to marry Mr. Down Town when I'm so Hermit on the mountain.
But he makes me a little more sociable and I help him understand how valuable and productive alone time can be, so I guess that works out OK.
I think I'll keep him.

By the way he can be very protective of my energy and is very good at popping in and checking on me if he knows I have a Strech It Out client in the back room.
I'll give him the "look' and he'll say, 'Honey are you winding it up we have that other thing to do today remember?"...I'll tell you what no client has ever argued with that.
They always get up apologize for going over time and taking up too much of "our" day.
It helps them see that their selfishness affects not only me but all those around me.
It's a good wake up call for them.

Oh and lest people reading this thread should think most clients are like this by how I sound here...let me say happily they are few and far between with most of them being kind and considerate and grateful for their readings.

But to any new readers out there.
Think over your bounderies carefully and set them in motion right from the start.
It's hard to change once you have established some clients that see you one way and then you switch to another...but it is possible.

Moonbow

As this thread is primarily about Tarot I'll be moving it to the Professional forum in about an hour.

Moonbow*

tmgrl2

lark said:
I
Oh and lest people reading this thread should think most clients are like this by how I sound here...let me say happily they are few and far between with most of them being kind and considerate and grateful for their readings.

Another good point, lark. I haven't been reading professionally as long as you have...but....

I have only had this one person who was difficult with the time...and she came once ....and I chose to let the reading go forward since I felt that the process was working for her......and she will return June 2....and our time will be...

She wasn't difficult in any other sense...she took everything quite seriously and had many questions....good ones and wanted some things repeated so she could write them down. I was very happy with all of that.

ON Time....I will turn the half hour glass over at half hour (if she asks for half hour again) and say that will be another $40...if we continue.

terri

Setting boundaries

catlin

Apollonia

catlin

tmgrl2

tmgrl2

lark

tmgrl2

lark

Moonbow

tmgrl2