Difficult readings: sympathetic ear vs. objective voice

A few months ago, I was doing readings at a party. It was an on-the-fly sort of thing...i'd meant to just read for a friend's upcoming move, but she'd spread the word and *everyone* wanted one, it was nuts. One girl, in particular, wanted one. "There's some serious bad juju in my life," she said, "I need some help."

When her turn came, we sat away from the party and did the spread. Wow: a loud and clear warning: a great need to make friends with chaos/change, serious control issues, serious mental discipline needed for the work ahead. We started talking about these things, and after being very very quiet she suddenly burst into tears: she was about to be homeless, jobless, and wishing she'd never moved here in the first place.

Now the cards were clear to me...there were prompts and suggestions, especially about writing -- writing being her real work, her art. But I couldn't offer her ANY of that clarity...she was a broken record, crying and saying the same things over and over. Partly she was drunk, I think, and that's always hit or miss, but partly she just seemed really broken. And nothing I knew how to do worked...I became a sympathetic ear instead of an objective voice able to say the harsh things that the cards said needed hearing. Maybe she really needed that sympathetic ear more than anything else (she cried and repeated herself for so long I couldn't do any more readings), but I felt a bit hijacked...drained, and I felt my own ignorance/lack of practice. I mean, she approaches a reader and even introduces herself with the name of a chaos goddess, but the reading just bombed, even though the cards felt totally appropriate.

So here are my questions. How do y'all deal with difficult face to face readings? Do you have strategies to keep yourself outta the Sympathetic Ear quicksand, to stay objective when your heart goes out to the querent? In a situation like this, would you just let her go on a bit and then move on to another sitter, or would you press on with the sorely-needed lessons she drew for herself but can't see through the tears?

I know my answer to that last one, and this reading was a REAL lesson for me in why/how I read. But I know others will have different takes...

My sentiments exactly and having gone through a similar situation, to the tell the truth it turned me off for a while. I wondered if I was tough enough to read publically really ? There are days when I would be able to cope and other times when less so.

I know in the medical profession and in other areas the practitioners have to be a bit distanced but would suppose learning this is not too easy either.

I will also be interested in the replies you receive. I think it is a really good question uncovering deeper aspects of reading for strangers.

It's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid. When you read for strangers, you become a therapist--just like any other person that people come to for advice, be it doctor, priest or counselor or friend. You hope, as all professionals do, that your querent will listen to your expert advice because this is what you trained for: to objectively see the situation and understand how can be altered for the better, even if such alterations require time and work and hardships. BUT, alas, you can't give the message to anyone who isn't ready to hear it. A doctor with an X-Ray telling a person they'll die tomorrow without the surgery can't get them into surgery if they don't want to go. And he can't do much if they want to cry about their situation rather than do something about it.

Likewise with us readers. And like with so many of these other professionals, what we say to these people can open floodgates. It's one of those things a Reader needs to learn if they're going to continue reading, people see you as a wise soul, as an advisor and someone they can be vulnerable with; so you need to know how to handle such things. You can't let the person drain you, but you can't just eject them from the chair the minute they break down. What you do is the same as all professionals: you use your position.

You are a tarot reader. Whether you believe so or not, to others you have a connection with the "supernatural." You are "superpowered" if you will--or appear to be. Magical. Use that. You tell them the truth, but in a different fashion: "I see you need to express this grief, and I'm willing to listen. But let's move you to a better spot. The energy here is too sensitive, this is not a good space to open yourself up like this. Let's get you somewhere quieter and better protected."

Be firm, be in control, don't compromise. Always remember that. You, the reader, are in control of the situation. You have to be, for both your sakes.

Now you can get your person into a spare bedroom or, better yet, the arms of a friend, where they can quiet down. Obviously, the other thing is that you really have to be careful about doing readings where alcohol is served. And it's not a good idea to do readings for drunks. Here's a few simple rules for readings at parties that have helped me:

1) Have two or three *SHORT* spreads to do--a general spread about present situation and it's future (like a horseshoe), a relationship spread--spreads suited to the most common questions. DO NOT use big or long spreads like the CC. They take too much time, and get you in too deep with the person. If a person wants a long, in depth reading, arrange for it elsewhere and on another date--and at a price. Your time is valuable.

2) Warn the person as they sit down how the reading works: there's a time limit because other people are waiting, they should have one particular question in mind, you can't discuss their situation at length with them, but you'll try to give them what you can in the time you've got.

3) Have anything you need on hand--a clock that the querent can see, so they remember there's a time limit, water (for yourself and them), tissues, paper and pen.

Most of all, establish that you're the professional in control. You call the shots.

Brujaja,

From your post, I think you did do the right thing, Its sounds that she needed someone to listen to her, only then after she had got it out of her system and calmed down, would you be able to tell her about the cards. There would have been no point while she was hysterical saying 'Look i'm trying to give you advice here, the cards are saying blah'... it wouldn't have sunk in. Sometimes people need you to just listen and validate what they are feeling.

Thirteen has given you some great advice! Like memries said i'll be interested to see other replies you recieve

Thumbs up to you mate...
well done!

Thanks for the thoughts.

<<people see you as a wise soul, as an advisor and someone they can be vulnerable with; so you need to know how to handle such things. You can't let the person drain you, but you can't just eject them from the chair the minute they break down. What you do is the same as all professionals: you use your position.>>

<<Be firm, be in control, don't compromise. Always remember that. You, the reader, are in control of the situation. You have to be, for both your sakes.>>

I think this is the nut of it, yes. "For both your sakes..." is a HUGE part of what this experience showed me. If I'm not in control, what business do I have making a space for vulnerability? It's a good point. Indeed, it was stepping out of the "reader" role and into the "sympathetic ear" role -- quite unconsciously, a lack of focus on my part -- that was so draining. I don't find being a reader inordinately draining, when I keep to being a "reader." Not that that means 100% objective voice either...it's just a balancing act. I expect being in control of that balancing act comes from experience -- even experiences like these. I understand more, after a while now of face to face with strangers, the therapist aspect of the situation. I'm down, too, willing to work with that. This is part of that work -- it's such a tremendous resource, these open forums.

but to keep with the balancing act metaphor, what makes a good umbrella? the balancing tool...concrete tactics. Keep the focus on the cards/a card? Return to the original question? Switch topic to other kinds of expression/therapy that may be more appropriate? Does anyone do, like, symbol work? Like a spread, even a small spread, is overwhelming at the moment...so focus in, find a symbol, and work with that alone?

thanks peace pixie!

you're right, she did just need a listener more than anything else. so she got one, and it was okay. i mean it wasn't *terrible,* just sad. it just also made me realize that, for my own reading, i want to avoid that kind of interaction. i agree with Thirteen that when someone seeks out a reader, they seek out someone "in control" so they can release a little. But part of being in control, I think, means giving some direction to that release, not just taking the full frontal brunt of it. that's not a bad thing, that's part of the love of a friend...but i was sought out as a reader. i felt like in acting like a friend, i let her down somehow.

Oh Brujaja!

You did NOT let her down, do you know how rare a good listener is in this world? who really stops and sits and listens... I Think you learnt alot about yourself and you should give yourself a pat on the back...

HUGS

P_P

brujaja said:

but to keep with the balancing act metaphor, what makes a good umbrella? the balancing tool...concrete tactics. Keep the focus on the cards/a card? Return to the original question? Switch topic to other kinds of expression/therapy that may be more appropriate?

Click to expand...

In a circumstance like this, none of those will work. To switch metaphors on you: It's rather like you're in the passenger seat with a road map; the querent is driving; they see a fork in the road; a certain card or cards like a road sign makes them want to take that side road; you know that they should drive straight on so you can show them all the important historical markers and scenery and eventually get to their destination...but without warning, they jerk the wheel and step on the gas.

You can yell at them to "Go back! We should be on the other road!" but it's a little late for that. You're stuck in the passenger seat and they're racing like crazy down the road they want to take. And the road map (the cards you've laid out) is no longer of any use at all....not as it is.

Remember what I said, YOU are the Tarot Reader. Say that with me, and use the Capital Letters: "I am a Tarot Reader!" (go on, add in some sound effects, you know you want to). You've got more than one road map depending on what spread you lay out. So. What do you do if someone takes a wrong turn and steps on the gas? You don't try to get them back on the road they've left. You flip to a *new map*.

As your querent is sobbing and spilling their guts, pick up the cards, cleanse them, and shuffle them. That's your umbrella there--nothing will give you back your balance quicker than having those cards in your hands, shuffling them, reminding yourself of who and what you are. When the querent finally breaks to suck in a breath, you tell them: "I'm going to draw three cards to give you direction, right here and now. You need guidance, and I can give you that, the cards can give you that. It's going to be all right. Relax. Don't say anything more. I understand. Let me and the cards help you."

Have them cut the cards--touching them will bring the querent's focus back to the cards, back to their position as querent with you as Tarot Reader (NOT sympathetic ear!). Lay out a quick, 3-card spread. Nothing larger. Past, present, future. Lay out a fourth card if you feel you need a little stronger answer, but what you're looking to do is say to the querent, "this is yesterday, this is today, and this is what you need to do for tomorrow to make things better." Like, "lie down," or "call your family," or "have a cup of coffee so you can think clearly..."

Essentially, if they go off road, you say, "Okay, if we're on this road, than this is what we need to do to still get where we're going...." Your umbrella is always those cards, and the fact that you are the Tarot Reader.

thanks, Thirteen, for the excellent advice.

New road, new map.

<<You can yell at them to "Go back! We should be on the other road!" but it's a little late for that.>>
yes, this is what it felt like, thought i hadn't thought of it that way: silly tour guide! next, time this happens, i'll be more prepared.

and complete with sound effects.

brujaja said:

So here are my questions. How do y'all deal with difficult face to face readings? Do you have strategies to keep yourself outta the Sympathetic Ear quicksand, to stay objective when your heart goes out to the querent...

Click to expand...

Your job, is to read the cards. Nothing else.

You need to have a trust, faith, and belief in yourself, as a reader…

You need to have a trust, faith, and belief in the Tarot.

We are kind of like postmen, delivering a message. That’s how I see myself…an entrusted courier – and I have to have trust, faith, and a belief in my message and where it originated. (Yet another reason ‘Why I read Tarot.’)

Ya know I always harp upon “it’s all about the sitter.” Well it is – but it’s also about getting them to listen to the message.

If they take over the reading situation, they are not listening, and you’ve lost control.

During a panel discussion, Rachel Pollack and Mary Greer disagreed with me about taping a reading. They said that the sitter can go back and listen at a later time and find things they missed the first time.

I disagree...myself, I like to hand the sitter a legal pad and pencil (not pen) and have them take notes.

If they are taping, they are in a passive state – and its real easy for them to take control of the reading.

If they’re taking notes – it forces them to be in the NOW – they are an active participant.

When they attempt to wrest control, you simply state, “Write this down…”

Stick with the cards, deliver the message…make them be a participant.