Tarot Skits and Musings

Hey All,

This is based on an earlier thread I posted here:
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=93851&page=1&pp=10
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=93851&page=4&pp=10


So now, I've started a fresh thread here, where I'll be posting my numerous Tarot based skits and musings. I hope you enjoy them.


Sunday Brunch with the Queens


QUEEN Of PENTACLES: Gosh, my darling husband is growing fatter and fatter by the day. I know he's the king of all things earthy and comfy, but come on, bringing a roast beef to bed kinda ruins the effect of sensuality that he's supposed to posses. Not to mention, ruins my fine Egyptian cotton sheets.

QUEEN Of SWORDS: If I were you, I'd tell good ol' Tubby to drop a pound or two, else opt for sleeping in separate bedrooms.

QUEEN Of WANDS: Isn't that why you're known as "Queen Frosty the Snow Biatch?"

QUEEN Of CUPS: Now now Wanda, that's not the kind of language a lady of good repute uses.

QUEEN Of WANDS: Aw, shove it, you know it's true!

QUEEN Of SWORDS: Better to be Frosty than forever in-heat if you know what I mean.

QUEEN Of PENTACLES: Does this dress make me look too fat?

QUEEN OF CUPS: No darling, you look lovely, it’s just that time of the month. I should know, I rule the domains of all things watery and lunar related.

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Which is why you always look like you’re suffering from a chronic case of PMS.

QUEEN OF WANDS: Gosh Swordina, why do you even bother coming to our brunches when you just do nothing but sit and bitch and be sarcastic all the time?

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Isn’t that the point of ‘brunching with the girls?’

QUEEN OF WANDS: True, although if it wasn’t for all those hormonal pills you were popping, you’d be anything but a ‘girl’.

QUEEN OF CUPS: *Gasps in horror!* Wanda! That’s not very nice of you. You know Swordina can’t help the fact that she got menopause early due to certain complications beyond her control.

QUEEN OF WANDS: Well, fertility was a sheer waste for her, considering all she ever did was act like a snooty prude, forcing her husband to thrust his sword at that Empress from Major Land, if you know what I mean.

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Well, from what I hear, your husband isn’t too hesitant about beating his wand off on that High Priestess.

QUEEN OF PENTACLES: I thought that was because he was learning about Sacred Sexuality and wanted to experience a divine connection to spice up their marriage.

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Sacred Sexuality my ass, That Priestess is a glorified hooker with a high price tag.

QUEEN OF WANDS: You should know, from what I hear, that son of yours is her best custom-er-devotee.

QUEEN OF SWORDS: What do you mean?

QUEEN OF WANDS: Well, my son tells me that every night, he sneaks out of his dorm at Knight academy, and pays her a visit. Why else do you think the credit statements of the credit card you gave him have so many entries titled, “Tax free donations for spiritual purposes”.

QUEEN OF PENTACLES: I thought that was because her son was going there because he was taking religious training from the Hierophant?

QUEEN OF WANDS: *Guffaws* Religious training my fiery a**, he goes there to be the Hierophant’s bitch boy, while The Devil films it and posts it all over the internet.

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Well, from what I hear, your daughter, Fortitudia is no innocent belle as well. Considering she dropped out of Page Academy and ran away to that forest, where she did some really questionable things with that Lion of hers.

QUEEN OF WANDS: *Jaw Drops*… You Biatch!

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Flattery gets you no where.

QUEEN OF CUPS: STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

(silence falls upon the group as all the queens stare at the Queen of Cups with shock)

QUEEN OF CUPS: I’ve had enough of all this! First I go through all the trouble of setting up a lovely brunch. Preparing all the food, lighting the incense sticks, creating beautiful floral center pieces from scratch. And you three come here, plomp down, and do nothing else but bitch and take cheap shots at each other! What’s wrong with you people! We’re Queens! The epitome of grace and femininity! And from what I’ve seen, all of you are far from it?

(Storms out)

QUEEN OF PENTACLES: Think we should go after her?

QUEEN OF SWORDS: Na, it’s pointless.

QUEEN OF WANDS: She gets off on drama! It’s what keeps her young!


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THE END

Now I wanna go to the brunch even more!

Keep them coming! I so wish we lived closer to each other. *sigh*

Bravo!

Sinduction said:

Now I wanna go to the brunch even more!

Keep them coming! I so wish we lived closer to each other. *sigh*

Bravo!

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Aw, thank you, that's so sweet of you to say... (((Sinduction )))

Oh, Thankyou!!! I read your earlier post related to this in the other thread and thought it was so funny (and not to mention newbie-helpful!) Please more!

hehe. Good post.

sweet_intuition you know that there are more than 4 courts right? So that means that we have to know about the others as well wouldn't you agree? So that means that you will tell their adventures too don't you?

libuse said:

Oh, Thankyou!!! I read your earlier post related to this in the other thread and thought it was so funny (and not to mention newbie-helpful!) Please more!

Click to expand...

Aw thank you, I'm so glad you liked it and found it helpful.

starrystarrynight said:

hehe. Good post.

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Thanks

Dwaas said:

sweet_intuition you know that there are more than 4 courts right? So that means that we have to know about the others as well wouldn't you agree? So that means that you will tell their adventures too don't you?

Click to expand...

Oh yes, I will tell all their adventures, as well as, adventures for all the cards that I've made skits for.

The Clash of the Hierophant and High Priestess

SCENE: The Hierophant and his two followers are religious fundamentalists who are going door-to-door, spreading their ideologies and ‘saving souls’. They arrive at the residence of the High Priestess.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Loud viscious barks of two dogs can be heard after the knock. The two ‘followers’ are scared at first as one of the dogs sound eerily like a wolf.

HIGH PRIESTESS: (inside the house) Boaz! Jachim! Sush Up Already! Jeeze, this is what happens when you adopt animals born on a full moon! (Opens the door looking tired, lack of sleep giving her dark circles, the smeared mascara doesn’t help. Wearing a flimsy robe that although outlines her figure, covers what’s meant to be covered.) Yes?

HIEROPHANT: Good morning ma’am, My name is Brother Jeremiah, and we’re from the Conformist Sect of the Unionist Holy Father.

HIGH PRIESTESS: (Dazed and confused) Huh?

HIEROPHANT: We’re going door-to-door, spreading the true and honest word of our holy sacrificial savior, and hopefully get the chance to save your soul?

HIGH PRIESTESS: (Guffaws) Save my soul? Honey, I can barely save to buy crystals and incense.

HIEROPHANT: Which is why, we’re calling in your neighborhood today to inform you that our scriptural texts hold the answers for all the problems of the world, as well as, those that affect your life too.

HIGH PRIESTESS: You mean it can give a solution for pre-menstrual cramps and psychically caused crown-chakra migraines?

HIEROPHANT: Well, we were talking more in terms of problems like divorce, war, sadness…

HIGH PRIESTESS: Um, aren’t there lawyers for the first, government officials for the second, and Prozac for the third?

HIEROPHANT: Yes, but through following the doctrine of our texts, one can learn to create a world where everyone is happy, peaceful, and free of sin.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Okay… I think you ought to go to see Starina at number 17, ever since she came back from that nudist camp she’s been in a perpetual state of optimistic bliss.

HIEROPHANT: A nudist camp? Why that’s a high level of indecency!
HIGH PRIESTESS: Indecency?

HIEROPHANT: Why yes, such acts go against virtues dictated by our scriptures.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Honey, do you really believe and follow everything written within that?

HIEROPHANT: Yes, our congregation believes to follow our scriptures word-to-word, without any exception. Within our scriptures we find rules that are both moral and practical for our day-to-day living. Giving us a proper conduct for personal, professional, and spiritual conduct, as well as, a complete guide on how, when, and what to do.

HIGH PRIESTESS: *rolling her eyes and muttering under her breath* Does it even tell you how and when to go potty?

HIEROPHANT: Beg your pardon ma’am?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Nothing, (covering her snide comment with a smile).

HIEROPHANT: If you’d give us a few minutes of your time and invite us in, we can give you a demonstration of our scriptural study course, and give you a preview of how you can use our scriptures for your life.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Not interested and I’m flat broke.

HIEROPHANT: It’s free.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Free? Well, why didn’t you say so? Do come on in. (leads them inside her house which is untidy, filled with scattered occult/pagan paraphernalia, with incense ash and used candle wax spread everywhere, with too many veils hanging between pillars.) Forgive the mess, was having an esbat party last night. Add a few drops of E to Temperance’s cup, and she totally flies off the handle. At least I think she’s a she. She’s been through so many sexual re-adjustment surgeries that it’s hard to tell now. And I thought Justicia was a fickle Libra!

HIEROPHANT: (sitting upon the sofa, trying to conceal the scandalized expression on his face) How lovely!

HIGH PRIESTESS: (sitting on the bean bag next to the sofa in the lotus position as her iPod begins to play fusion chants)

HIEROPHANT: (not amused, but conceals it) Well, as you know, I’m Brother Jeremiah. (Turning to his two ‘followers’) and this is Brother Luke, and Brother Peter.

BOTH THE FOLLOWERS: How do you do?

HIGH PRIESTESS: (Arching a brow) Huh? You all don’t look very brotherly to me.

HIEROPHANT: As a sign of respect, we call all the men in our following as Brother, and women in our following as Sister.

HIGH PRIESTESS: So then you marry your brothers and sisters?

HIEROPHANT: (Caught off-guard) Well no, I mean yes, I mean no…(scratching his head)… well, it’s a long story.

HIGH PRIESTESS: I bet

HIEROPHANT: Well, before we start, could you tell us your name?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Oh sure, Astarte Selene.

HIEROPHANT: What a lovely name!

HIGH PRIESTESS: Thanks, my mother originally wanted to keep my name as Peggy Sue Smith, but how many people would go to a Tarot Reader by that name? I mean where’s the gypsy mystique?

HIEROPHANT: (A little panicked) you’re a Tarot Reader?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Well yeah, I also do Astrological Charts and Tea-Leaf Readings.

HIEROPHANT: Why that’s sheer blasphemy! Do you not know that those things are evil?

HIGH PRIESTESS: (Arches a brow) So 78 sheets of cardboard, celestial bodies in the sky, and dried herbs from Darjeeling are evil?

HIEROPHANT AND FOLLOWES: Yes!

HIEROPHANT: They are creations of Satan, the source of all things evil.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Satan? Oh you mean The Devil?

HIEROPHANT: Yes, the one and only.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Oh honey, he didn’t invent either. Tarot originated in medieval Italy, and Astrology began in 5000 BC in India, and well, I’m not so sure of Tea-Leaf readings… maybe that came in from China.. or should I be politically correct and add the People’s Republic before it?

HIEROPHANT: Yes he did!

HIGH PRIESTESS: Um, no he didn’t!

HIEROPHANT: And what makes you think that?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Simple, he’s my ex!

(The Hierophant and the two followers scream in shock!)

HIGH PRIESTESS: What?

HIEROPHANT: You were married to The Devil?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Well, no, we were civil partners. Since he had boobs, and yet had a dick, they didn’t find a legal way to classify him as one gender, and with all the issues of the legality of gay marriage, Judgment didn’t approve of marriage between woman and tranny. So hence, we civil union. I didn’t see the problem, fat men all over the world get man-boobs, or as the Empress calls them… moobies, yet they don’t get stripped of their gender-title! And The Devil wasn’t even fat, his mother just drank a lot during her pregnancy, and was a total flower child of the sixties, hence all the pot smoke led him to that. Don’t know about how the goat-like features came in, but she was raised on a farm, and who knows what lonely farm hicks do when they’re in need of some action. Hmmm, he never did mention his father a whole lot.

HIEROPHANT: Oh you poor thing!

HIGH PRIESTESS: Well, not really poor, I hired Magician as my Lawyer, and he sprung a few legal loop-holes outta nowhere and got The Devil to pay me a 6 figure amount every month!

HIEROPHANT: (Shocked and perturbed) Well… I … er… am sorry you had to endure being with the king of darkness.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Well, my first boyfriend Death La Mort actually deserves that title. Seriously, dating a Scorpio is like emotional suicide, with their secrets and obsessive grudges sheesh. The Devil preferred to be called, The Horned One… If you know what I mean (naughty wink with an emphasis on ‘Horn’).

HIEROPHANT: (eyes widen with horror, slightly uncomfortable) Did you live in hell with him?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Na, Hell was actually a winter retreat for us. In the summer it’s unbearable! Gives me blisters on my sensitive milky skin. Rest of the time, we lived at Hermits estate in the valley. He spends almost all his time locked away at the top of that mountain of his, that he hardly stays at home. I believe that mountain is called Brokeback.

HIEROPHANT: Oh my!

HIGH PRIESTESS: Yeah, it was fun at first. He was like a horny old goat, although he suffered from premature arthritis, hence I had to be on top most of the time, which is fine by me, but I only wish he took some calcium and vitamin D supplements once in a while, as he never went out during sunlight hours.

HIEROPHANT: Because the glorious radiant light of the sun would eliminate him?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Oh please! Do you really believe that old-wives-tale? That’s as ridiculous as a bucket of water melting a witch! No, he just didn’t like going out when the sun was out, because the couple next door, ‘The Lovers’, they had an irritating infant child who rode on his pet pony all day long in the backyard, screaming songs of happiness all night long. He loved the sunlight so much, that they named him The Sun.

HIEROPHANT: Um… I see.

HIGH PRIESTESS: So after the first few years, he began revealing his true sides.

HIEROPHANT: His evil side?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Well, I wouldn’t call it evil. More like possessive, needy, narcissistic, and down right chauvinistic. The sex was fantastic, a lil fur at the right spots can really turn a girl on, but when he began with the chains and whips and all, it got all freaky. I had to draw the line when he bought in the couple next door, The Lovers, as his BDSM slaves!

HIEROPHANT: (Jaw drops in horror)… Um… I think we ought to leave now.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Already? I thought you guys would give me a free demo or something?

HIEROPHANT: Um.. I … er.. well, we just remembered that we had an urgent meeting. Something about an impressionable young woman and her rather questionable relationship with her pet lion.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Oh you mean Fortitudia!

HIEROPHANT: You know her?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Oh totally, well, we dated during sophomore year at Arcana U. Not that I’m lez or anything, but you know how we all just like to experiment a bit during college.

HIEROPHANT: (making a squeamish smile) How lovely! Well, we best be going. (He and the two followers hurry out the door).

HIGH PRIESTESS: (Calling out to them as they head out to the sidewalk) When will I get my free demo?

HIEROPHANT: Don’t call us, we’ll come-a-knocking!

HIGH PRIESTESS: Coolies!



(The Hierophant and his two followers run to the final home down the lane)


HIEROPHANT: (Huffing and puffing, trying to catch his breath)… Whew!... That.. was… so twisted!

(The two followers agree by nodding)

HIEROPHANT: (Composing himself) Let’s hope we have better luck here (knocks on the door).

(A skeleton in black armor answers the door)

DEATH: Yes?

HIEROPHANT: Um… I think we got the wrong house… (turning to run)

………………

THE END!

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What can I say?? I'm a fan!! If I could figure out how to do that little heart thing I'd be sending it

(apart from the fact that you are, obviously, wrongly judgemental about Scorpions)

I'm LMAO over here. *Clapping* Keep them coming!