Emotional Pin Cushion and Failure

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 21 Feb 2003, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Kiama	21 Feb 2003
*Sigh* Last night I had a terrible experience... A friend who has been having a really hard time recently asked me for a reading in a pub. 'It's really important, and I want to know about my relationship with my boyfriend: Does he love me, will we last?' I dealt the cards, and tried desperately to give her answers, but she wasn't accepting them, and she wasn't telling me the whole story, so I couldn't apply the cards to her problem. The outcome... Death and 5 of Swords. Given a previous reading I gave her, and given the feelings of the boyfriend (I know him personally) and given the other cards in that reading, I knew it was saying the relationship would (Or perhaps SHOULD) end... But I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth. She wanted the relationship to continue no matter what, despite the fact that he wants somebody else. The worse thing is, she NEEDS the relationship... So, instead of tellig her the truth, I told her that she needs to heal (Based on the Strength card in the Advice position, and a previous reading I gave her) She needs to change I said. And try not to avoid the truth (Oh the irony!) or cheat herself into believing things which aren't true... But I couldn't tell her that last little bit about the relationship's obvious status. Afterwards, she told a mutual friend that my reading was totally off. My mutual friend told me this, and I felt like a complete failure. This mutual friend knows the whole story which our frind didn't tell me however, and he consoled me saying that the cards I dealt were answering the questions which she just hadn't asked me out loud. It wasn't my fault. But that's not the point I don't think. The skill of a good Tarot reader doesn't lie in simply dealing the 'correct' cards, but in interpreting them correctly. And I couldn't do the latter. I've never had this before, and I don't like the feeling of failure at all. I'm not used to it, and I don't intend on doing it again. But how on Earth does one stop such a thing happening? And why on Earth do people assume it is OK to simply lumber Tarot readers with such difficult questions and important issues without telling them the full story??!! Just cuz we've got a pack of cards doesn't mean we are divine and know everything! We still have our limits, and I'm afraid that one of my limits is being human: If I don't know the damn question, how am I supposed to give any meaningful answers without simply guessing and clutching at straws, waiting for something to 'click' and be correct. So, the Hanged Man means sacrifice, the Strength card meant healing, but without the question, how am I supposed to know who needs to sacrifice what, and who needs to heal what and how? I spent all last night being in the middle of a very dangerous three-way romance situation (I wasn't in the three-way situation, I was the confidant of all of them, and it wasn't a good experience at all.) I was giving Tarot readings to the girl, friendly advice to the rival girl, and comfort to the bloke... But they all expected me to have the answers to their problems simply cuz I had a pack of Tarot cards. PRIMAL SCREAM THERAPY NEEDED!!!! Kiama

Laurel	21 Feb 2003
This happens. A lot. Not to scare you off reading, lol. But this is a good example of why good psychologists don't counsel their own family and friends, and need to have their own therapy sessions with someone else. Tarot reading is a form of therapy, as much as its anything else. And when it comes to our friends and family and tumultuous relationships.... sometimes we need to do a reading for ourselves first and decide if we should even get us and our cards involved. :) Over time, one learns to either be comfortable giving half-true answers to people who can only accept half-true answers, or one learns to compassionately but fearlessly offer the full truth as its perceieved and risk the querent rejecting both the truth and you, the sincere reader. Doors get slammed in faces. Even the best, most experienced readers in the world get told sometimes that their perception, insight and advice is crappy. Of course, sometimes it -is- less than stellar. We're not trained circus poodles to start turning sommersaults on the backs of ponies at the snap of someone's fingers. You did your best as you knew how under the circumstances. Have a primal scream, a hot bath, some ice cream, and maybe a little banishing ritual or prayer. Don't let this situation and other people's dysfunctional relationship be something that sucks up your attention. ~LAS

Aerin	21 Feb 2003
(((Kiama))) You are a good reader. Hold to that. You say that you couldn't bring yourself to tell the truth. That's one of the potential blocks about reading for a friend - and why I don't coach close friends or family if I at all feel I have some skin in the game (i.e. almost all of the time). Ask yourself what you would have said to a stranger - would you have even read in those circumstances? With her not wanting to say the questions? Also, who says your interpretation was off? How do you know? Sometimes people react most strongly when you have struck a nerve. You are not responsible for other people's problems. They are. They are also responsible for all their own decisions and actions. All the cards can do is help them uncover some new information buried in their subconscious (my map, that's the way I tend to see it). Mary Greer has an interesting way of guiding people to find their own meanings in the cards rather than doing the work for them - it's in Tarot for Yourself. So for example 'what does the image in this card mean for you in relation to your question' and 'in what way might you or someone close to you need to make a sacrifice?' (re: Hanged Man)). I've read like this for someone without even knowing their question or issue, although insisting they came up with the question for themselves first. Don't let friends use you as a crutch. It isn't healthy for you or for them. And if they've already made up their minds/ just want a confirmation of 'what they know' then Tarot is not appropriate. You need an open mind and heart to find it effective. Aerin, who feels like giving Kiama's friends a Stern Lecture ps you might also insist that your friends construct a question according to Joan Bunning learntarot.com method. Puts the responsibility firmly in their court. I asked the querent where I didn't know the question to check it against her list, caused some head scratching and rewriting

HudsonGray	21 Feb 2003
Therein lies the hazards of reading. Especially when you already know part of the story. One way out is to say 'this & this are coming up as primary info, but I'm not sure if it pertains to the question, it might be covering some other aspect in your life. Since this means ---- and this means ---- does any of that ring a bell for you?' and that throws it back in their lap sorta, and hopefully gets you more feedback. I'd also be completely honest with what comes up but fuzz it a bit by saying 'it LOOKS like the cards are indicating -------------and ------- about your relationship in connection with the sharing aspect, the deck feels pretty strong on this, does that make sense to you?' By bringing in HER feedback, you can tell a little better how to phrase things & still have her feel the reading is right on. You don' t have to read in a vacuum & be forced to play god or the know it all to their silence. I've got trouble reading for close friends too, because I KNOW what they want to hear, and that interferes with what I can get out of the cards. Always feel free to tell them that you can't seem to get anything this time, or ask for another question that doesn't sit so close to the heart.

Umbrae	21 Feb 2003
I never read for family or friends – my own bias may color the reading. In a case such as you had, there was no way to successfully read for it – three way anything is dangerous (that’s why duels were always fought between two people…)… You will make mistakes – you are human – the secret is to keep moving in a positive direction between failures, and to never lose hope or love in the process. Friends in those types of situations need to be told the honest truth…”You created the situation, and you must bear the results, the cards can neither help nor judge…” And forget what Laurel says about Ice Cream and a Bath…a Shower, followed by a nice Porter will do the trick…LOL

Red Emma	21 Feb 2003
Dear, dear Kiama, I know from personal experience just how gifted you are with our lovely little paste boards. I suspect the answer to this conundrum lies in your statement, "She didn't want to hear what I was telling her." So when you tell her an unpalatable truth, her only refuge is to demean your abilities. Never mind showers, ice cream, baths and brew, chocolate does the trick every time! Goddess bless, Red Emma

Aoife	21 Feb 2003
Kiama, please forgive me - I'm going to patronise you..... I watch for your posts - you fascinate me. That one so few in years can be so steeped in wisdom. I speak as a [non-tarot] therapist of more than twenty years. I've met high-powered therapists with a fraction of the insight you possess, frozen in their ivory towers of certainty. I'm so sorry that you've had a sh*t time but it's those experiences which have forced me to grow and to avoid stepping into the trap of certainty. Quote: Originally posted by Kiama .....I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth..... instead of tellig her the truth, I told her that she needs to heal (Based on the Strength card in the Advice position, and a previous reading I gave her) She needs to change I said. And try not to avoid the truth (Oh the irony!) or cheat herself into believing things which aren't true... Look again at what you said - you DID tell her the truth! Quote: But I couldn't tell her that last little bit about the relationship's obvious status. There'd be no point - until she's willing to deal with your first advice she's not going to be open to hearing the final bit. If she deals with the first bit she'll 'know' the last bit for herself. And you instinctively knew it. What a remarkable friend and counsellor you are.... Quote: But that's not the point I don't think. The skill of a good Tarot reader doesn't lie in simply dealing the 'correct' cards, but in interpreting them correctly. And I couldn't do the latter. But you did interpret them 'correctly' - and you chose to deliver the interpretation and advice wisely! But still you get hurt... Quote: Afterwards, she told a mutual friend that my reading was totally off........and I felt like a complete failure. I've never had this before, and I don't like the feeling of failure at all. I'm not used to it, and I don't intend on doing it again. But how on Earth does one stop such a thing happening? I don't know how you can prevent it happening. Even if you never read again for friends, what about the querent whose vulnerability only really surfaces part-way through a reading? I still sometimes get hurt [non-tarot counselling] - friend or client - the sting still hurts. Quote: It wasn't my fault. Too right it wasn't! Quote: And why on Earth do people assume it is OK to simply lumber Tarot readers with such difficult questions and important issues without telling them the full story??!! Just cuz we've got a pack of cards doesn't mean we are divine and know everything! We still have our limits, and I'm afraid that one of my limits is being human: If I don't know the damn question, how am I supposed to give any meaningful answers without simply guessing and clutching at straws, waiting for something to 'click' and be correct. It's right and good that you're angry.... OK I promise to stop patronising you! *lol* I want to give you cyber hugs and a big squashy cushion to pummel, then a bath [that stays at just the right temperature] + some lovely essential oils + candlelight + an exquisite bottle of red wine that you picked up for £1.99 expecting it to be plonk - then Thornton's continental chocs, a massage from sig/other ........ can't you just tell how very needy I've become! Eve

Diana	21 Feb 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Red Emma Never mind showers, ice cream, baths and brew, chocolate does the trick every time! Red Emma And Swiss chocolate is the best for this kind of thing - Kiama gets some regularly. :) Kiama: the truth is always best. I think it is always wise to ask people if they are prepared to hear the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If they're not, better not do the reading. And it is good to remind them that it is not your reading, but theirs. The responsibility is ultimately theirs.

Jewel	21 Feb 2003
I am in complete agreement with Aoife and the rest of the gang. Your friend is hidding in self denial and projecting her insecurities on you with her statement about the reading. I believe you struck a cord and she did not want to face it. Chin up girl! A nice tub bath by candelight with some aromatherapy stuff and you will be as good as new! ~big hugs~

Hummingbird	21 Feb 2003
I've been hideously honest while reading cards for friends...they just don't like what they're hearing. Do not take it personally, and do not doubt your abilities.

Alex	21 Feb 2003
Kiama People have to take responsibility for their own choices. If she chose not to be sincere to you, trying to fish for something she wanted to hear, it's her responsibility. She has missed an opportunity to have some of her concerns honestly answered. And she has risked losing your trust and your friendship by acting irresponsible. Afer you've sorted things out, you might feel surprised to find out that you are a bit angry with her too, and I would fully sympathize with that. Alex.

MeeWah	21 Feb 2003
(((((Kiama))))) Chalk it up as another experience notch on your Tarot belt. Even when someone claims to be ready to hear the unvarnished truth, a reading can still backfire when the querent is not ready or willing to hear it. Any time one is too closely involved with the querents in a relationship be it a couple or a triangle, the best thing is to decline. As impartial as one can possibly be, the very nature of the situation conveys an inherent conflict of interest for self, let alone for those with a vested interest & may impact a reading. One can only work within the parameters the querent is willing to provide, barring other influences. Unwillingness to be open is more significant than unwillingness to provide appropriate information. In asking for a reading, a querent basically is taking on responsibility. The nature of the querent's intent regarding the reading is also that person's responsibility. The reader is only the messenger.

Kiama	22 Feb 2003
I have learned alot from this experience. I make a point of always learning something worthwhile from things, even if the experience is bad... Because learning something from a bad experience technically makes it good. (Well, in my logic anyway!) I have learned how to avoid these problems... What to say before a reading to make sure it doesn't happen again. I won't stop reading for friends or family, because I would have nobody toread for, but if it gets to a point where they are asking me a question like that, I shall pointedly ask them to give me the REAL questoin they are asking... Instead of asking me one question, but in their head focussing on another! I have learned alot about people aswell.... And how to handle people and help them, esp. when they are in an emotionally unhappy state. I know now how some people react to news they don't want to hear. I am not angry with my friend. She is distraught and upset, and she doesn't understand how I work with Tarot... To her, if she focusses on the question instead of asking it out loud,the cards will tell her everything. To me however, if she tells the questoin out loud, I can use the cards to tell her as much as possible. (At leats more than I could if I didn't know the question!) It reminds me of Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy, where they create a computer to work out the answer to the ultimate qustion, and it finally tells htem the answer is 42. They suddenly realise they forgot to work out what the question was! Thankyou so much for all your feedback and support. It is much appreciated and I have learned just as much from your repsonses as my experience. Aoife: It didn't seem like you were patronising me, and I greatly appreciate all you said! Thankyou! :* Now, I'm off to talk boyf into helping me with all those wonerful cheering up things you all advised! *Kiama goes off for a hot bath, chocolate, massage, some wine, essential oils, and, of course... A new Tarot deck. :D* Kiama

The Emotional Pin Cushion and Failure thread was originally posted on 21 Feb 2003 in the Talking Tarot board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Talking Tarot, or read more archived threads.