Walking the barrel, circus-style

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 05 Feb 2003, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Aoife	05 Feb 2003
I remember an old wooden beer barrel abandoned in a local wood. I was 7 and I wanted to learn to 'walk it' circus-style whilst it rolled. I was an only child, more than content with my own company but I was also into seeking approval and praise big time so when I thought I could do it, I arranged to show off my new talent to my friends. I broke my arm when I fell flat on my face. Worse still, my mother banned me from going to the woods again. Of course, I defied her but I never felt quite so free to roam again. Before I came here to AT, reading for friends was like a tantalising glimpse into another realm. I felt a minimal sense of responsibility. I was not so 'connected' to the cards. My friends and I were more 'equal' - I just happened to own a few decks and know a few 'meanings'. Readings invariably happened later during an evening of women talk and laughter...... lots and lots of pathos and humour - the dirty goddess Baubo was always an honoured guest! But it's changed now. My friends ascribe me with a level of expertise. And I was starting to think I 'knew' more, my confidence was building. I'm 7 times 7 now so life experience alone warned me to be careful. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. And all my worst fears were realised last night when I read for a friend/colleague. This was a one to one situation - she was eager to know what the cards had to say. I was nervous and trying not to show it. I had grounded and centred myself, it was time to trust my higher self - I told myself firmly but still I wobbled. My friend has been through a lot and is looking for direction and a sense of certainty but she's nobody's fool - she 'knows' it's vain hope. I can sense she's nervous, she 'knows' all is not well. The first reading - a general one using Umbrae's 7 card horseshoe. 1st card - knight of pents..... 2nd card - ace of pents. Never mind 'blank spot' this is total white-out! .... 3rd card - 8 of cups.... flood of relief - the cards are speaking about work! The cards that followed helped me out - fitted well with a 'work' interpretation but I knew her preoccupation was with her relationship and I knew I'd chickened out. I muster my confidence and lay out Umbrae's relationship spread [posted in your readings]. Not only does it look bad but she can surely see it too - Hudes deck - the colours alone tell the story. But hope ever springs eternal and she latches on to the page of swords - she feels bad that she is still going through his pockets and checking his cell phone....... And I chickened out again. I dreamt last night that I fell into deep, deep water and my heavy clothes and the things I carried on my back dragged me deeper and deeper and I knew I was drowning. In the morning I come running here in the hope of more from wiser voices. But they confirm - there's little or nothing to give hope. I don't mind falling flat on my face - I've done it enough times to learn to roll with the fall. But the thing is, it's not me who stands to sustain the broken bones. I'm not so sure anymore that forewarned is forearmed. People can often hang on in with such tenacity despite knowing full well they're riding to their 'deaths'. Am I just a coward? I'm quite good with the spoken word, with reframing, putting the positive perspective.... but this is different. How do I say 'my friend, this doesn't look good' knowing that my words might break through the barely formed scar tissue to re-open the deep wound beneath? It just feels like too much responsibility...... Eve

Eowyn	05 Feb 2003
I think If you are 7 times 7 now, you should be glad and proud, Im sure you must have gained a lot of experience, enough to be confident and to not get let down by a difficult read: its always hard to tell a friend, or a collegue, who you probably see often than your common friends, that there is tower-time comming. You never wanna give sad news, because we want the best for them and I usually pray to make my deck a good omen bringer. I think the barrel idea you had at 7 was terrific. Im only child, and im 23 and I still found my self sometimes doing things, inocent always, to show my friends just to say "hey, here I am too, share with me!!" Its hard to be only child. We are diferent from the rest. We push too hard on ourselves. It is a lot of responsabiliti to read the tarot, but as you said, "life experience alone warned me to be careful". I wanna get there too, cos Im little impulsive. Anyway. 7 its a beautiful numer. Did you know in my country its the excelence grade? (like a A+, or a 100%) :D

Dark Inquisitor	05 Feb 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Aoife I'm not so sure anymore that forewarned is forearmed. People can often hang on in with such tenacity despite knowing full well they're riding to their 'deaths'. Am I just a coward? I'm quite good with the spoken word, with reframing, putting the positive perspective.... but this is different. How do I say 'my friend, this doesn't look good' knowing that my words might break through the barely formed scar tissue to re-open the deep wound beneath? It just feels like too much responsibility...... Eve [/b] Yes, it is a dreadful responsibility. But it sounds like your friend already knows the truth. She may be asking for more than false hope. If you can honestly tell her what the cards say, you may in the long run, help her to face what she doesn't want to. However, the key is not to leave it hanging in the veil of doom & worst fears confirmed, but in finding follow up spreads that will give the spiritual advice she needs at this time. A way for her to grow & recover. Tarotphelia

Umbrae	05 Feb 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Aoife It just feels like too much responsibility... Quote: Originally posted by Tarotphelia Yes, it is a dreadful responsibility. …and so is life. So is driving a dangerous car at dangerous speeds…crossing the street…saying hello to a stranger…breath… And knowing so brings the joy. The joy of sharing your gift, the joy of hope…

MeeWah	05 Feb 2003
Aoife: Ye are not a coward, but aware of the responsibility--& like most, do not want to be the bearer of dubious news. Inherent within that responsibility is, as Tarotphelia expressed it so well: "...give her the spiritual advice she needs... [so that] she can grow & recover." & as Umbrae said, the sharing of what only ye can give. Ye owe it to self to offer the best of the knowledge, else ye risk setting a precedent in stifling your own creativity, your intuition, which sits at the core of your being. This is not about being selfish nor about protecting someone from hurt, but about using your gift to offer help--& hope. Your friend must have some inkling of her precarious situation, hence the desperate attempts to stave off disaster. Ye can preface what ye need to present to her by saying something along the lines of: "This is a warning." Or: "Ye know where this is headed, do ye not?" Encourage her to focus on what is at hand; to empower herself with the appropriate knowledge so that she may make whatever decision or change that will be in her best interest. As the old saying goes: Ye can lead a horse to water, but ye cannot make it drink. In leading her to what she needs, the rest of the responsibility lies with her.

HudsonGray	05 Feb 2003
Well, go ahead and tell her, we all recover from anything that happens in our lives sooner or later, she KNOWS it's not all hunky dory (and if that phrase doesn't put me in with your physical age, well...). You can say, 'well this deck says this' and go to another deck for confirmation using the same question & same layout & see what spin THAT deck puts on it for you. Having the two side by side will give better insight & might help balance things a bit more. Love relationships can really suck sometimes. At least she's not naive & starry eyed. She can make up her own mind on what she hears from your readings.

Marion	06 Feb 2003
Aoife, I have read your post over a couple of times now, and I am struck by the poetic imagery you use to help yourself understand what you are feeling and how you are changing. Your worry about the amount of knowledge you have... a lot but maybe not enough. Everyone goes through that phase in anything they learn. When you first start to realize that there are depths past anything you had thought before, but you know you really have not gotten there yet. Handle your new knowledge carefully and with respect. Careless or rough handling could cause things to go awry. Keep going with courage and let confidence continue to bloom within you. About your friend, I think the other respondants said it so well. Share what you have, gently, encouragingly but honestly. Not a rough honesty but a charitable honesty.

Athara	06 Feb 2003
I think it'd be better not to ask what will happen, but to ask how to deal with the troubles that she knows are coming...

Laurel	06 Feb 2003
Marion said everything more eloquently than I could today. I would dare say that you are experiencing the "initiation" of tarot, and its hard and scary as well as exhiliarating. Keep your eyes forward. Walking a barrel must be a lot like flying, the physical sensation of it. Personally, I love to fly; I'm just scared of heights and the process it takes to let go of the ground. But when I move past that fear and let go wow... what a rush.... ~LAS

Aoife	09 Feb 2003
My deepest thanks to all who have responded and for everything said. I'm not a great TV watcher [too much time spent here!] but a last minute programme change last night meant that the movie "How to make an American Quilt" was shown. I know it was slated by the critics but I love it - I am a quilter and a woman, 'nuff said! The most beautiful quilt I have ever made was for my daughter. She wanted "something different". I took a large expanse of valuable blank fabric, scrunched it up and unceremoniously dumped it into a large tray. I made up my dyes - all the colours of the rainbow plus some grey ['cos i wanted to remind my daughter of the importance of light and shade] and then I poured in the dyes - large swollen areas of pure hue, mingling at their edges. I watched fascinated but horrified at my wanton destruction of the pure fabric - but it was done. And then I had to wait for the dyes to work their magic - to blend and stabilise, to create areas of fusion and difference. After a few hours I rescued the fabric and rinsed it clear - hands and arms reddened and frozen by multiple immersions in cold water. I slung the fabric over a washing line in the garden and stepped back to look. It was exquisite. It took me three months of painstaking quilting, sinuous lines of stitching following the flow of the colours. When complete it was even more beautiful. My daughter loves her quilt. I see her smooth it lovingly on her bed - I see her sitting intent on a book, wrapped in her quilt. And I feel proud of my skill in making it and grateful to experience the love which motivated me to make it. And now I'm wondering where all this is leading ~ get to the point woman! In the closing lines of the movie, the young woman speaks of what she's learned [by which time i am silently sobbing]: "There are no rules you can follow....... you have to go by instinct..... and you have to be brave" and in tarot terms I am that young woman and I have learned these lessons well. But people's lives are not the innanimate objects of fabric and quilts, now matter how deeply imbued with love. And so the powerful sense of responsibility remains. 'Cept now it's different - thanks to you it no longer feels burdensome. You've made it possible for me to take the burden from my back and holding it in my hands I can see and feel that it is far less heavy, more responsive and most importantly of all, it has true function. Now I think that with care, attention and continued learning I shall be able to use it and in so doing give hope and support to those I read for. Thank you all - very much indeed. Eve

The Walking the barrel, circus-style thread was originally posted on 05 Feb 2003 in the Talking Tarot board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Talking Tarot, or read more archived threads.