How do you deal with a difficult querent when they're family?

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 30 Sep 2003, and now archived in the Forum Library.

angelwhispers	30 Sep 2003
I have a sister-n-law I absolutely dread reading for....a little background.....it started out her asking my brother to ask me if I could do some readings and of course I would do them with her not present and email them to her, then her birthday came, I did a reading for her, typed it up and put in her birthday card. When I saw her I asked her if she could relate to any of the b-day reading she says no, I said oh well thats ok just wait and see what happens. In the meantime at a family gathering at my parents she asked if I would bring my cards, so I did, while sitting with her one on one and doing the reading she kept saying that doesn't make sense I don't understand this, do you think maybe you mean this rather than that? It was so annoying. No I didn't think the cards meant what she was saying, she had me so frazzled I had to keep referring to my journal which wasn't saying anything different than what had come out of my mouth. So finally I said well I guess this just isn't a good night to read. Now the very same time I read for my brother and others with no problems. So my brother would ask anytime there was a get together to bring my cards, his wife wanted a reading, and I would conviently forget them just to avoid reading for her. Well this past weekend they were at my house, she asked for a reading and it was a disaster. Everything was "I don't know what you're talking about, That doesn't make any sense, I don't know who those people are" ETC.....I was so frustrated I even switched decks in the process and it was the same response, but I did point out to her that she didn't relate to the b-day reading either and here we are 4 months later and things have started to surface that were in that reading, well she just tried to blow it off. So tell me is she puposely trying to sabotage the readings or do I just have such a negative vibe with her that the readings are useless? When she's not around I have no problem reading for her but even then she gives me the same feedback. My mother thinks I should no longer read for her, she seems to think she's jealous of me, especially when my sister-n-law ran out 3 yrs ago and bought a tarot deck shortly after I had let people in the family know I had started studying tarot but she says she's not able to read them and supposedly doesn't do any readings at all. ***edited to add if this should be under talking tarot instead please move it I wasn't sure which subject to post it under thanks***

wavebreaker	30 Sep 2003
Maybe you could simply ask her why she still wants readings even though she thinks they don't make sense? Sounds to me as if she's in denial and doesn't want to see what the cards are telling you. Or she could indeed be jealous and therefore she doesn't want to admit to you that your readings are right. Whatever the reason, I think I would stop reading for her.

Dark_angel	30 Sep 2003
Maybe she doesn't want you to tell her the truth, but to tell her that she's right. If she's interested in tarot too, it could be that she's doing readings for herself and then trying to subtly (or not!) check with you to see if she gets it "right". If she's not very experienced, and she sounds like she could have trouble staying objective, and she's only reading for herself, her interpretations could be entirely different from those seen by another person. She then gets frustrated and tries to persuade you that you're the one who's wrong, so that she doesn't have to face the fact that she isn't getting anywhere with her current approach. I'm willing to bet that a fair bit of it's simple, old-fashioned jealousy. If she's not too unbearable for words, why not suggest that instead of you reading for her, the two of you work together, with both of your decks. That way you can see what she's doing, what SHE thinks of the cards, and can put across your interpretations. Personally, if that doesn't work, I'd not read for her anymore. If she or your brother makes an issue of it, say that you think you're too close to her to read for her. I know you said that you can read for your family, but she'll probably not even think about that, she'll be complimented by the fact that you think she's close. If she raises the fact, then tell her it's because she reads as well and you feel that your energies are getting muddled because of that and your similarities. She might not realise the lack of rational thinking behind that because again, it's a compliment. Or you could just tell her to stop interrupting you and if she won't listen to you, why does she ask? Luv, Fi. xxx

Major Tom	30 Sep 2003
Quote: Originally posted by angelwhispers ***edited to add if this should be under talking tarot instead please move it I wasn't sure which subject to post it under thanks*** Thank you. I have moved it. I genuinely think you'll get more answers here in Talking Tarot.

Umbrae	30 Sep 2003
Couple other things to think about...try reading when NOBODY is around, no witnesses... cut the size of the spead. 3-Cards. It could be that: She enjoys pushing your buttons Enjoys getting readings Does not trust readings Does not trust herself By getting her alone, she will no longer be 'showing off for the crowd', about how easily she can fluster you - and prove that tarot does not work...She's better than you and blah blah blah. By using three cards, you can provide a good reading for her, and learn how not to allow others to frustrate you. You'll run into her type in the outside world, learing to deal with them is huge - learning to turn the reading for them should be your goal... So slow down your delivery...take a ton of time.

SongDeva	30 Sep 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Umbrae By getting her alone, she will no longer be 'showing off for the crowd', about how easily she can fluster you - and prove that tarot does not work...She's better than you and blah blah blah. Umbrae is right on, and I think one other person was as well. I feel that she is jealous, and this also feels like a control issue. She repeatedly gets off on having you jump through hoops. And to be honest, it sounds like you are, in some instances! lol I do recognize that you tried not to read for her, but being more direct than 'forgetting the cards' seems to be called for. It's an unhealthy relationship as is, and you have the wisdom to put an end to it. It doesn't have to be a big confrontation, it can be as simple as "I just can't read for Beth." She does not like the attention you are getting, and needs to see you brought down a peg, which is unreasonable. She's threatened by you, and you would do well to remove your energies from that situation.

Thirteen	30 Sep 2003
Umbrae makes an excellent point. I think she takes a certain glee in flustering you, especially in front of others. I have one important question--how do you get on with her when it doesn't involve a reading? Do you like her *at all*? Is she a nice person? Is she smart or interesting in any way? Are you happy your brother married her? Or is she just a bitch, through and through? Two more ways you can handle this: 1) I don't believe in tactfulness, or lying, or being nice. Go ahead, do a reading for her. And when she says something, stop. "No kibbizing during my readings." You say, "Or I'll stop now." If she does it again, pick up the cards and say, "The reading's ended. Sorry it didn't work for you." Lay down the law and stick to it. You're doing the reading. She can agree or disagree with what you say, but she can't comment DURING the reading. After the reading she can complain all she likes, but if she does, you'll say, "That's what I saw. If it doesn't work, then I guess I can't read for you." And next time she asks, you can say, "I thought we agreed, I can't read for you." 2) Let her do the reading!--let's take Umbrae's excellent advice and do a three card spread: first card, "The Fool"--you say to her, "This is the Fool. He's on a journey to someplace new, but he's not paying attention. The dog is trying to warn him he might fall off a cliff. What do YOU think that might mean, sister-in-law?" Don't let her say, "I don't know?" or "You're the reader!" --change tactics on her. You say, "We each know best what the cards are telling us; tell me what this card says to you and then I'll tell you what I think it says." Now you've put *her* on the spot. Whatever she starts to say, you use that as your springboard. "Good thought," you say, "Yes, you are moving into a new job and this card says..." And throughout the reading you keep reminding her, "Just as YOU saw, this card says..." This is the nicer way, if you really want to maintain family relations. You compliment her, make her think she's got talent, diffuse the jealousy and the fear she has that she can't understand the cards and you do so you must be smarter, and all that. You make her a reader and undercut her need, as well as her ability to say, "that's not right." Has to be right, yes? She saw it.

angelwhispers	30 Sep 2003
I have to agree with the replies here, I believe she's in denial too. I also think she doesn't want to reveal to much of herself to me or the family, even though I can see right thru her, not using the cards just my own intuition. I also believe its part jealousy. I've tried to ask her about her tarot decks, studies etc...she doesn't talk about it or just gives one word answers, just says she can't read them and she wants something thats going to give her definite answers....like, you are going to win the lottery on nov 14, of 2005. While doing her reading the other night, there were court cards all over, so I was trying to get her to think about the people at work, was trying to describe the characteristics of the cards etc but it just didn't seem solid enough for her, then when I said there is going to be conflict between this one and that one, well that wasn't good enough either. I really don't know what kind of answers she's looking for. I also think you're right in saying she enjoys pushing my buttons because that has definitely become obvious. As for our relationship lets just say she is not my favorite person, but I have a neice and nephew that are very important to me therefore I tolerate her. I don't know, I really shouldn't read for her anymore, but she never asks me directly, even if she's sitting right in front of me she still has my brother ask me if I'll do a reading for her, I think because she knows I won't tell him no. Thirteen I like your #1 way of handling her during a reading, at least that way she'd have to keep her mouth shut. LOL Along time ago I sat with a psychic who was getting ready to read for me and she was very polite but said, if I happen to say something you don't agree with or makes sense to you thats fine but please don't start shouting no thats not right etc, because I want no negative energies here, if you don't agree, thats fine, we'll just move on, or something to that effect. The reading went really well, I listened to everything she said and some yes I agreed with and some didn't make sense but I just let it all soak in and thought things over later. I was also told at a recent psychic fair that I need to start reading for people professionally....I never mentioned to this reader that I was even involved with any kind of divination....anyway its because of people like my sister-n-law that has me hesitant. I know there will always be the skeptic etc, I just need to find my way of dealing with them, I guess this is my perfect learning opportunity.

cricket	30 Sep 2003
I agree with what's been said here, more or less, though I personally wouldn't be nearly as tactful as most. She's family, so she's stuck with you. It doesn't matter if she's nice to you or not, so be just as bad right back. It works especially well after a bad day. ;) If you point out the fact that she's the only one that has problems agreeing with what the cards are telling you maybe she'll think twice about commenting again. Then again, it might make her twice as bad about things. Some people are just that way. Either way, the best thing to do would probably be to tell her to either stop asking for readings or to deal with the fact that she's blind to what other people see/think about her.

anjocoxo	01 Oct 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Thirteen 1) I don't believe in tactfulness, or lying, or being nice. Go ahead, do a reading for her. And when she says something, stop. "No kibbizing during my readings." You say, "Or I'll stop now." If she does it again, pick up the cards and say, "The reading's ended. Sorry it didn't work for you." Lay down the law and stick to it. You're doing the reading. She can agree or disagree with what you say, but she can't comment DURING the reading. After the reading she can complain all she likes, but if she does, you'll say, "That's what I saw. If it doesn't work, then I guess I can't read for you." And next time she asks, you can say, "I thought we agreed, I can't read for you." I totally agree with this approach. If she's being really naughty, you'll have to be a little more assertive. We know that she won't resist doing more coments during the reading, so that will be the "excuse" to cut her off, and you can say that simply you can't read for her because she's always too negative. In my opinion, if your brother asks you to do a reading for your sister-in-law, be straightforward and say "I already said I won't do more readings for her". Even if it hurts your brother a bit, she'll see you're not kidding (and he'll probably understand what you mean). Don't be aggressive, be assertive. I also believe she's jealous, and - imagining myself in your shoes - I would not be capable of reading more than twice to a person like that. Anjo

angelwhispers	01 Oct 2003
Thanks to all of you for your advice on how to deal with this situation. The more I thought of things it just seems she tries to make me look like a fool and I won't tolerate it any longer. The next time my brother asks me to do a reading for her I'll just explain to him her attitude. To confront her in anyway would make her feel the need to start trouble in the family, trust me we all just tolerate her because of the kids.

shy1433	01 Oct 2003
It sounds to me she doesn't appreciate the time you spent doing a reading for her, so the next time tell your brother that you just can't do a reading for her today, hopefully after awhile he will stop asking you, or maybe you could ask her to do a reading for you instead. shy

galadrielsphial	01 Oct 2003
I definitely agree with those who say that she is trying to make you look like you don't know what you're doing...and she has to do it in front of other people too. That's the kind of person that I can't stand, so I would not read for her. I can also understand wanting to keep things within the family good, especially with kids involved, so I say be tactful about not wanting to read, but be firm about it too. She can only make you mad/flustered if you let her, so don't :)

The How do you deal with a difficult querent when they're family? thread was originally posted on 30 Sep 2003 in the Talking Tarot board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Talking Tarot, or read more archived threads.