How not to hurt querent feelings

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 24 Nov 2003, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Inana	24 Nov 2003
Since Lunalafey suggested it was a good idea, Im starting this topic. Sometimes when we are doing a reading we can find in the cards stuff that is not easy to tell withouth hurting the querent feelings. It can be because of painfull situations, guilt, something they refuse to hear or pay attention to, something you see will become a failure, wathever. Bad stuff. But we know is still needed to speak about it since its arising in the reading. So its important for them to know. How do you deal with this situations? Do you put more emphasis in the good aspects? Avoid to speak much about it? Do you remember some situations related? I guess is a matter of tact, something (i have to say) i lack some times. Once i tried to sweeten the reading and the result was bad, cause the person didnt pay real attention at the important thing. Then my question is how do you deliver this kind of readings?

lunalafey	24 Nov 2003
The thing that every person (reader or not) must deal with in life is bad news/situations. It's a reality that we are ALL aware of. When I see a reading that has 'disturbing' information, I start by saying "you are coming into some trying times" or something of that nautre (depends on the Q and the cards). A simple phrase like this prepares the person for what you have to say. We know life is never perfect and hard times are expected. People will want to get a peek into this hard time so it won't be such a suprise. It has been mentioned many times in other threads that Tarot's messages of the future are not carved in stone. The future is changable. Expressing this will also help, for the person will not feel 'bound' to this outcome. As much focus on both the positive and the negitive, the advise the cards offer and the obsticals one will face all need equal attention, for it's all part of the picture puzzle. It's all needed to solve the puzzle. Wording & presentation are Key-

lawguy51	24 Nov 2003
Every 'problem' is merely a situation that contains within it an opportunity for growth. I approach it that way usually. Lawguy51

Astra	24 Nov 2003
In your setup before the reading, you need to add something that says you want to get information that the querant needs in terms that they can accept. This may mean you get less information in a reading, but it will tend to have more impact, and you don't have to try to second-guess what the cards give you.

Thirteen	24 Nov 2003
I never sweeten things--but I do find that humor is a good way to go. You can often be blunt if you say things humorously. And the combination of bluntness and humor often gets the point across. I'd like to point out, however, that people are usually more willing to admit faults, problems, errors or mistakes to a tarot reader than to most anyone else--and to accept from them sensitive truths. Unless you're reading for that certain, ultra sensitive friend or relative, who might take it personally because they are a friend/relative, it's actually harder to hurt a querent's feelings than if you were trying to tell them the same thing as a friend. Witness the late, lamented Miss Cleo who would say to a querent, "Da man you wit, he be bad for you!" And darn if the querent on the other end of that phone wouldn't say, "Yeah, I know, but I just don't know how to leave him," instead of, "What do you know! You're just jealous!" In the end, anyone who is that sensitive to the truth isn't going to hear it no matter how gently you present it. So you might as well be blunt and clear so there is no ambiguity, no mistakes. It's up to them to either listen and learn the truth from you, or reject what you say and learn the truth the hard way.

Star Spirit	24 Nov 2003
Quote: In the end, anyone who is that sensitive to the truth isn't going to hear it no matter how gently you present it. So you might as well be blunt and clear so there is no ambiguity, no mistakes. It's up to them to either listen and learn the truth from you, or reject what you say and learn the truth the hard way. Good point.

skytwig	24 Nov 2003
Here's some counseling techniques that can help too: * Avoid the use of the words MUST and SHOULD.... speak in possibilities, rather than absolutes..... there's nothing worse than being told, "You must...." or "You should....." * Ask questions so that the querent states what you see in the cards.... For instance, if you see stubbornness about the querent, and it is part of the problem, you don't want to say, "Well, you are really bull headed, aren't you?" :D Rather, you could get the querent to say that for you...... How would you say you address problems at work?" or "Would you say you have some outstanding characteristics that might cause problems for you?"..... Thing is, if it's in the cards, the querent is already aware of it ..... Plus, asking questions alwaiys opens up both the reading and the querent....... * Give examples of other situations, other stories that are similar..... "This card is telling me something about a person who is struggling with...... " Generalize when it is rough and the querent will offer the specifics that need to be addressed..... Sometimes, we need to give the querent some control in the movement of the reading.... we don't hold back, but we involve the querent in the 'discovery' of what the cards are saying..... this actually opens up the querent to receiving the information..... Hope this helps..... try it and see if it works for you :)

casia	24 Nov 2003
I think people that come to you for a reading are expecting to hear the truth. However it comes. The querent usually comes to you so that you can reveal certain facts and options so they know were they stand in any given situation.

Cassiopeia	25 Nov 2003
For me, the enviroment in which I reading tends to inform the way I deal with talking to querents about the difficult stuff. When it is just me and the querent, and we are in my home or thier home, I tell it like I see it. I tend to choose a 21 card spread and delve into the persons life, were that is appropriate. Tears are good, can help a person to moove forward and take control of thier lives. At parties, were there is a group of people and I have been asked to bring tarot, I use smaller spreads, I often have the querents ask a question. But, I am really aware that although this might be a group of friends, the querent may not have revealed a lot about themselves to that group. I try to word things in a way that lets the querent know that I know, but protects thier privacy. Very difficult at times!!! Its similar for reading online, in public chat rooms or forums like the reading exchange, I give enough to let them know I know, but I try to respect confidentiality. I want to answer questions, but I dont want my querent to feel exposed. The other thing that I tend to do accross all my readings, is to not spend a lot of time talking about the future. I tend to stick with the here and now, and use cards in future positions as guidance or possibilities. I want my readings to give the querent a sense of being able to control thier destiny, so I focus on ways to move through problems. They allready know about the bad stuff in the past or present, its just how I bring that tactfully and appropriately into the reading that is my concern.

Inana	25 Nov 2003
Thanks!!! Im reading lot of good advices. And since I like making lists, im compilating the ideas so i can think about it better. :) - Prepare the person so they know you are going to tell something difficult. - Present the issue like an opportunity for growth. - Humour. - Avoid the use of absolute terms. - Make questions so the querent can participate more actively. - Use samples of similar situations. - Stick more in the present, focussing in how they can control destiny. - Remember them the future is not written. More suggestions? Thirteen, I agree anyone who is too much sensitive will not accept it anyway. Maybe the problem is more the fear to hurt than the sensibility of the querent. I mean probably nobody is so fragile. The other thing is, when I do readings is almost always for friends/family. Maybe this makes the things more difficult, since they know me and I also have to avoid my personal opinion. Sometimes has been over the net, then the difficulty comes because the written word is more permanent (cant find a better term, you know what i mean i hope) than the spoken word.

MoreMagic	25 Nov 2003
I tend to use the phrase "the cards suggest that..." rather than very direct words, when I am reading something that may be unwelcome or sensitive. For example, I might say, "The cards suggest that you have conflicts with your co-workers that may soon lead to loss of your job", rather than " "I see difficulty with your co-workers leading to termination of your employment." Something about leaving myself out of the picture and focusing on the cards as the communicant seems to make it more possible for people to hear what is being said.

sagitarian	25 Nov 2003
When I read, and I see a bad situation coming, I ask the person for permission to tell them what I see by saying "Can I tell you what I see of what is going to happen (or) what is going on, is that ok? It's not good." That way, the know that what I'm about to say is bad, but they give me their permission to tell them what I see how I see it. About the crying thing...Hear me out here...I love it when someone cries while doing a reading, and here's why, The reading was meaningful to them. I'm not saying that unless the querent cries it's not meaningful, but when someone does cry, it shows that something you two had discussed really meant something important to their heart. Don't be afraid for someone to open themselves up emotionally to you. Just have a box of tissues ready for them, and a big hug at the end. Maybe ask if it's ok if you hold their hand while telling them the bad news, that way they know that you care about what you are telling them you see.

skytwig	25 Nov 2003
Quote: Originally posted by sagitarian Don't be afraid for someone to open themselves up emotionally to you. Just have a box of tissues ready for them, and a big hug at the end. Maybe ask if it's ok if you hold their hand while telling them the bad news, that way they know that you care about what you are telling them you see. Excellent sagitarian! And moremagic.... yes, good choice of wording.... i like that... thanks... :)

sagitarian	25 Nov 2003
I will usually ask them things too, such as, "Are you having trouble at work?" and depending on their answer, I go further into it, either saying "ok, cause this is what I'm seeing..." or if they say no, then I say "ok, where is it that you spend time at a desk, there's paperwork around you, and I can see you getting frusturated, but it's the feeling of someone around you, as if their talking to you behind you is making you upset..." and then they might lean back and say "oh, that's at home, my husband and I are having problems" or something like that. I'm not sure about everyone here, but I get images of the querents surroundings, people they interact with, and the type of places they enjoy hanging out at. So I use that in my readings, seeing what is around them in conjunction to what the tarot (or oracle) is telling me.

Inana	26 Nov 2003
Quote: Originally posted by sagitarian I'm not sure about everyone here, but I get images of the querents surroundings, people they interact with, and the type of places they enjoy hanging out at. So I use that in my readings, seeing what is around them in conjunction to what the tarot (or oracle) is telling me. This is a nice thing .Receiving pieces of info about them. Sure is important for the querents and good that you use it in your readings. I just read the cards and sometimes a clear idea flashes, others not. If i can ask, im curious, do you get this kind of images often or only when doing readings? And I agree with Skytwig. That was good!! :) MoreMagic: leaving oneself out of the picture is really a good advice, specially if like me you read for friends and family. Have to remember more this one,sometimes i forget.

Indigo Rose	01 Dec 2003
[quote]Originally posted by MoreMagic [b]I tend to use the phrase "the cards suggest that..." rather than very direct words. This is how I frame my readings as well. Sagittarian, I like the suggestion about asking permission to reveal something negative. This truly empowers the seeker to choose whether they are ready to face something or not. I don't sugar-coat or give false hope, but I always try to find the most positive way to present the reading. If it is bad news, there is need to focus on the things that the seeker can do to change the outcome or how to cope with it.

Alex	08 Dec 2003
I really don't know. It's the part I do worst when it comes to reading. Because it doesn't matter that you see something that is true, and that you say it: it has to be said the right way, in the right time; otherwise, the other person will not listen. Skytwig has given a good advice, some counseling techniques can be helpful. Alex.

Inana	10 Dec 2003
Alex... I like a lot the way you read precisely because is very straight. More than once at "your readings" you made me stop and think for a while in what you were saying. So... have to agree sometimes people will not listen if you try to phrase things in a very delicate way. Thanks again to all for all the suggestions. Some are really interesting in im trying to use them. :)

The How not to hurt querent feelings thread was originally posted on 24 Nov 2003 in the Talking Tarot board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Talking Tarot, or read more archived threads.