Dealing with querents that have selective hearing

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 12 Feb 2004, and now archived in the Forum Library.

miss_apples	12 Feb 2004
How do you deal with the querents that dont like your reading because youre not telling them what they want to hear?

cartarum	12 Feb 2004
reading for others is an art by itself, and takes alot of practice. (do not tell a queen of pentacles reversed the traditional meaning of a queen of pentacles reversed) all in all, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. sometimes a little encouragement goes a long way

Alissa	12 Feb 2004
Avoiding "you" statements can help. Example, instead of "You've been closing yourself off to emotional attachments," I might say, "Sometimes, after times of pain, we shut ourselves off from feeling again." This allows the querent to decide if the statement applies to them or not. However, it's not easy dealing with someone who doesn't like your reading. I once had a woman leave my table, at an event, after having a palm reading and then a tarot reading. "You should stick to palms!" she sneered as she walked away. I chose to shrug it off, but the barb stays with you. Querents who are long time non-listeners I don't think I would read for any more. Why waste my energy if they're not receiving?

Dark Inquisitor	12 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by miss_apples How do you deal with the querents that dont like your reading because youre not telling them what they want to hear? This is the crux of the matter isn't it? In cards, and in life in general. I think many people have never had anyone dare to tell them anything contrary to what they want to hear . Others are expert at burying their heads in the sand so that nothing resembling truth will threaten to find them. I would have to try to do something to explain to them beforehand what readings are really about and that they should take the information given and consider it over time. Some things become clearer to them later upon reflection, some events have not yet unfolded. You are not there to tell them what they want to hear, but you may be there to help them deal with it as best you can with further advice. I think there will always be immature people and there is no way of getting around it. I have to add that not only do people have selective hearing, but selective thinking as well. Tarotphelia

de stijl	13 Feb 2004
This is a troublesome matter. Sometimes I wonder why people go for readings if they aren't going to be open to what they hear. There's not much you can do, but I agree with Alissa that avoiding 'you' statements can help, it seems less like an accusation. People seem to be most defensive when something rings too true but they don't want to admit it to themselves, so when people are in this state they are more likely to percieve things as an attack or accusation. Heck, even when I read for myself I sometimes take what the cards are telling me as an attack, when really it's just what they're saying just hits too close to home and takes me out of my comfort zone.

TemperanceAngel	13 Feb 2004
I get them to answer their own questions, so instead of telling them I place the ball in their court. That way they know what they want because they have stated it and everyone's happy :D For example (and this is not always what I would do) a while back I had a difficult woman, and I mean really difficult, to the point of making me feel a tad scared. I thought what do I do here?, and so I asked her what does your intuition tell you? She answered me, and then I asked her if she thought that was her intutition or what she wanted to happen. She said intuition. Not a cop out, not at all....nope....she left without me telling her what she didn't want to hear and I said to her in closing if you trust your intution you don't need to get anymore readings done, you can just trust in yourself! Or something along those lines. (she had, had several readings so obviously it wasn't just me that didn't have the answers...) I felt I diffused a somewhat volatile situation, this woman had something very violent about her. I knew this from her energy and statements. You gotta have those folk to keep you on your toes, it can't be love and light all the time! Oh, if only..... xTAx

Mojo	13 Feb 2004
I smile, nod, and put their money in my pocket.

allibee	13 Feb 2004
hehehehehehe Love your style Mojo ;)

mac22	13 Feb 2004
>You gotta have those folk to keep you on >your toes, it can't be love and light all the time! >Oh, if only..... >xTAx Hehe....oh that is SO true..TA....:D

starsongs	14 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Alissa Avoiding "you" statements can help. Example, instead of "You've been closing yourself off to emotional attachments," I might say, "Sometimes, after times of pain, we shut ourselves off from feeling again." This allows the querent to decide if the statement applies to them or not. Alissa, I can see how using we instead of you would be less threatening. What you shared is very helpful...Thanx! Blessings, starsongs

crystal cove	14 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Mojo I smile, nod, and put their money in my pocket. I like you Mojo. ;)

crystal cove	14 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by miss_apples How do you deal with the querents that dont like your reading because youre not telling them what they want to hear? I don't read professionally and I'm choosy about who I'll read for so I don't really confront this problem. However, after giving it some thought, I'd probably be a little vague with people like this, kind of "planting" seeds for them to think about so they can come to their own conclusion...........then I'd take Mojo's advice. :)

contrascarpe	14 Feb 2004
All good advice. I am in the same boat as twenty-one - I have yet to take the next step into reading professionally and rarely do readings for people I don't know (except on the AE boards, and since we are all one family, I guess that means I know everyone, hehe). I learned early on that a reader wears many hats and bears many responsibilities. Besides being a reader, you are also a politician, a storyteller, a psychologist and also a salesperson. This thread has jogged a humorous encounter I had when I was a teenager oh so many years ago. A family friend was visiting from Pennsylvania and used to read fortunes using a standard deck of playing cards. He did a reading for a great Aunt of mine who was a real pain in the butt. This friend wasn't known for having any tact and at one point, he pointed out that this Aunt had a stubborn personality. She immediately got very defensive and kept stammering "I am NOT stubborn, I am NOT stubborn". At this point the reader pointed out that she was indeed being stubborn now. I cannot tell you how the situation ended because I walked out of the room, not wanting to be caught in the bloodbath, hehe. That's where the salesperson part of a reading comes out - never be TOO honest. Dan

ros	14 Feb 2004
Sometimes when people get ... I'll say "This is what the CARD is telling you" or "This is what these cards that YOU chose are telling you"

miss_apples	14 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by contrascarpe96 All good advice. I am in the same boat as twenty-one - I have yet to take the next step into reading professionally and rarely do readings for people I don't know (except on the AE boards, and since we are all one family, I guess that means I know everyone, hehe). I learned early on that a reader wears many hats and bears many responsibilities. Besides being a reader, you are also a politician, a storyteller, a psychologist and also a salesperson. This thread has jogged a humorous encounter I had when I was a teenager oh so many years ago. A family friend was visiting from Pennsylvania and used to read fortunes using a standard deck of playing cards. He did a reading for a great Aunt of mine who was a real pain in the butt. This friend wasn't known for having any tact and at one point, he pointed out that this Aunt had a stubborn personality. She immediately got very defensive and kept stammering "I am NOT stubborn, I am NOT stubborn". At this point the reader pointed out that she was indeed being stubborn now. I cannot tell you how the situation ended because I walked out of the room, not wanting to be caught in the bloodbath, hehe. That's where the salesperson part of a reading comes out - never be TOO honest. Dan I wouldve never said stubborn. I wouldve said something to the order of "You are a very strong willed woman" pretty much the same thing in nicer terms...lol

Phoenyx*	14 Feb 2004
What I don't like is how people won't let you study the cards beforehand. I did a reading for my mother a few days ago, and as soon as I drew them, she asked me "Well, what do they say?" I couldn't even get five seconds alone with the card, to read them. >.<

contrascarpe	14 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Triquetra What I don't like is how people won't let you study the cards beforehand. I did a reading for my mother a few days ago, and as soon as I drew them, she asked me "Well, what do they say?" I couldn't even get five seconds alone with the card, to read them. >.< I guess it would depend on the expectations of the querant. Most of the people I read for are totally mystified by the Tarot and I think many believe you will be filled with instantaneous karma. Luckily, I haven't run into too many like that, but if I do I plan on letting them know that this is a spiritual process that takes meditation, etc. I'm not sure if it will work on your mother because she knows you so well, but for a stranger, getting distant and mysterious should do the trick. Dan

Jen	15 Feb 2004
You can set energetic boundaries stating that you'll only read for those that are open to hearing the truth and that you only want to attract these types of querent’s. This is easier said than done - but being detached from the reading helps. Knowing that we're messenger's and all we have to do is bring through these messages with love...... When we can be detached - What the querent does with this information or how they react to it is not our concern or worry. If they're getting upset at what I have brought through - that's when I would just smile and nod and do my best to remain detached, that way I don't take their words personally.

ol_crazy_Legs	15 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by cartarum reading for others is an art by itself, and takes alot of practice. (do not tell a queen of pentacles reversed the traditional meaning of a queen of pentacles reversed) all in all, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. sometimes a little encouragement goes a long way I strongly disagree. You should never try to hide the bad things in a spread for someone. What if you where doing a 3 cards spread that was coming out negative and the 10 of swords came up as the outcome. What will you tell the quarent then. You cant have sweet with out the sour. I also saw that avoiding "YOU" staments help, this is true. you can start with "There seems to be..." I look at it this way, You took your time and effort to give a reading to simply help the quarent out. If they are ignorant, then they are the ones that miss out. We are Tarot Readers, not Magicians. Simply explain to you quarent that you have the best intrest in mind for them. And they should lestin when there is good advise on the horizon. To block out what you dont wanna know or hear can easily be ones greatest down fall.

Frequency	15 Feb 2004
I'll try to say 'we' next time instead of 'you'. Being nice can be hard though. Often what happens is that people ask me to do readings for them and they approach me with the hope that they can be convinced that what they are doing is in the right, you know to make themselves feel less guilty. I get way too many questions like this. I can tell right away now after they ask the question what the answer will be but I draw out the cards anyway and nicely say that they are wrong and offer not only the truth but some advice aswell. I think it's most important that when doing tarot, you should never dictate what the cards say and allow them to leave without any resolve to their problem. You should always try to guide them in the right direction. I feel that if you can guide them, rather than just saying "You shouldn't do this" or "This is what you do", then they are almost always more understanding and easier to deal with.

ncefafn	15 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by TemperanceAngel I felt I diffused a somewhat volatile situation, this woman had something very violent about her. I knew this from her energy and statements. I've had a similar experience. A woman came to me for a reading and as soon as she asked her question, I immediately felt uneasy. Instead of listening to my intuition, however, and gently telling her I couldn't read for her, I tried it anyway. She didn't get the answer she wanted, and gave me a ten-minute sermon. I smiled and nodded and told her I hoped that my interpretation was wrong, and thanked my lucky stars when she finally went away. Kim

crystal cove	16 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Frequency I'll try to say 'we' next time instead of 'you'. Being nice can be hard though. Often what happens is that people ask me to do readings for them and they approach me with the hope that they can be convinced that what they are doing is in the right, you know to make themselves feel less guilty. I get way too many questions like this. I can tell right away now after they ask the question what the answer will be but I draw out the cards anyway and nicely say that they are wrong and offer not only the truth but some advice aswell. It's hard to deal with people that are heavily invested in one outcome. I find that a large number of people these days are like that. In the world we're living in now, lots of people think they can control every aspect of their lives. It's usually a blow to them to even entertain the thought that it may not be possible. Jen gave some excellent advice. There's much to be gained from setting boundaries. Doing so keeps the poison of some people's thinking at bay and reinforces respect for yourself and your art of reading the cards.

Lady Eclipse	16 Feb 2004
Quote: Originally posted by miss_apples How do you deal with the querents that dont like your reading because youre not telling them what they want to hear? Hi, I'm one of those "tell it like it is" readers and I always let clients know this in advance. I do try to be tactful but sometimes tact doesn't work. A reading, IMO, is not about telling someone what they want to hear. It's about getting to the heart of the situation/person/etc whether it be good, bad, or indifferent in order to try to help the person. What they choose to do with the information you give them is entirely out of your control. I have a similar problem with someone in another group I belong to. She makes tarot cards on the side but hasn't finished any deck she's ever started and from the looks of her readings, she never will. The reasons why she doesn't finish her projects, I won't go into, but ever since I told her why I think she's not finishing anything she starts, she's become quite hostile towards me. The truth is, she resents that I've completed decks and she hasn't and is trying to bring me down and that's not going to happen. Getting back to your situation...some people just can't handle the truth and that's the way it is. You reveal the information you're given to the client and what happens after that is anyone's guess. Don't let it bring you down. :-) Joy to you, Maralee

The Dealing with querents that have selective hearing thread was originally posted on 12 Feb 2004 in the Talking Tarot board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Talking Tarot, or read more archived threads.