A friend obsessed!! What to do?

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 29 Oct 2004, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Shoegal75	29 Oct 2004
Hi everyone. It's been a while since I posted because of school and family but I need some advice or possible insight on the situation I am in. This may not even be in the right place, I don't know. I apologize, this might be lengthy. Also, I hope not to offend anyone here. Here goes...my friend/neighbor and I share an interest in the tarot and the like except she takes it to such an extreme she doesn't make decisions for herself...EVER! She is a struggling artist and has no job and constantly complains to me about money and how she has none. For a long time my husband and I felt sorry for her so we would have her and her 2 kids ( 14 & 10) over for dinner a couple of times a week because we knew they had nothing to eat. We would take goody bags full of toiletries, snacks, etc.. and drop them on her doorstep because we knew she was really struggling financially. Of course she knew it was us, but that's beside the point. Things have began to change my mind about her lately. I know that what she does and her finances are none of my business but she MAKES it my business by telling me these things all the time and asking my advice. She complains she has no money or gas but she drives almost 2 hours once a week to see her psychic that charges 80 dollars an hour. SHe's always coming over to show me new candles, sea salts or cards she bought just after she mentioned she couldn't pay her rent. She doesn't make any decisions without consulting her tarot or psychics. Her psychic told her that her dog was poisoned by another one of our neighbors and she is now not speaking to me because I won't go with her to confront the neighbor about it!!! I've already told her that yes I am her friend but because I live next door to the neighbor she dislikes I won't be involved in theor constant piddly disputes. I thought I was taking the more mature approach but to her I am just not being a very good friend. I don't want to consult the neighbor about something I dont know anything about. Yes her dog was having kidney failure and if your kidneys aren't working it does poison your body, but I don't know and she doesn't even know for sure he was poisoned. Vet diagnosis is inconclusive. I told her unless I saw her put the poison in her dogs mouth then I am not saying anything, that is just wrong! It's speculation, not fact and I refuse to get in the middle. I have asked her before not to put me in the middle of their arguments,I don't need that negativity in my life. If I wanted it, I could create my own. LOL I have to live next to her, I don't want a neighborhood war. She goes to court over custody of her kids and tells the judge her psychic told her that her ex is dark and sinister and that he shouldn't have the kids. (She is 45 by the way and should know better). He very well may be dark and a bad person but you don't tel the judge what she told him. I have told her she shouldn't tell the courts these things because they don't understand them and they'll just think she's looney but, again, she doesn't listen to me. We had an argument a while back about this. I told her I felt she over invested in what these people were telling her and to trust her OWN instincts and she stopped talking to me, I guess because it isn't what she wanted to hear. When I saw her oustside one day she told me her psychic said I was feeling guilty about saying what I said and I just stood there and I wanted to laugh cause the truth was, I never felt guilty AT ALL and it really makes me mad that she or whoever this other person is think they know what I'm feeling!!!!! ARG!!!!! She consults these people not only about her life but mine without my knowledge and then comes over to tell me these (sometimes terrible) things and expects me to react. I do believe in these things but I just can't put as much weight in them as she does. I make my own destiny and that is what I believe, but she doesn't. None of her family or friends will confront her about this but they all feel the same way. There is so much more to this but I won't go any further. My point is, I do believe in these things but I also believe that is it ONLY a tool to help you not to decide your life for you and it bothers me she lives in this bubble of her own reality. I'm afraid her kids will be taken away because she tells her ex all the time to watch out for the bridge because so and so told her sometihng bad will happen there, and he tells her he records these conversations. Truth be known, she's a really good person but because she isn't talking to me because I wouldn't do what she wanted me to makes me feel she isn't a very good friend afterall and is somewhat selfish and immature. (SHe thinks my kids shouldn't play with my OTHER neighbors kids because she and I are friends and that wouldn't be right considering they hate eachother--did that make sense at all???) I just sometimes want to shake her and tell her to wake up. She puts her kids in the middle of everything, she tells them how terrible their father is because her psychic said so. Sigh! I just don't know what to do. I love her as a friend but I think she is going too far with the neighbor situation and because I don't agree that makes me a bad friend. I just don't know if I sould be friends with her anymore. She gets mad if she even see's me wave at the other neighbor and she thikns we're plotting against her, I just can't take it. I've been there, i've been her friend and now I just think her friendship is causing me more harm than good. THanks for listening to me vent. Sorry this was so long, I just need some advice on how to deal with this. Thanks so much and love and light to you all. Christy

Imagemaker	29 Oct 2004
Sounds like you're seeing her clearly. She's a controlling person who wants to own you, who benefits from your compassion, and who wants to distance you from other neighbors. With compassion, I'd let her go. She needs professional help of varying kinds, and there's something about an obsessed person who spreads that obsession-energy on to those who keep thinking they can fix the person. I've been there with an obsessed friend, got obsessed about his problems, and finally had to break away before I was destroyed. As one might expect, he found others to cling to, dig his hooks into. I'm so happy to be free! BTW, could you put some blank lines in your posts? Makes reading a lot easier! Good luck!

Grizabella	29 Oct 2004
It sounds like your friend may have some mental problems to me, to be perfectly honest. I think the only thing you can do is just look out for your own best interests, even if it means backing away from her. Sometimes that's what you have to do.

Apollonia	29 Oct 2004
Hi, Christy! My name's Amanda, and I'm going to be your psychic today. My feeling is that you should stay away from her. There! Now you can tell her that you consulted YOUR psychic, who told you that you need to be away from her for a while. Good luck!

Shoegal75	29 Oct 2004
Hi, Christy! My name's Amanda, and I'm going to be your psychic today. My feeling is that you should stay away from her. There! Now you can tell her that you consulted YOUR psychic, who told you that you need to be away from her for a while. Good luck! I almost just fell off of my chair laughing. Thank you so much. I needed to laugh about this situation. I do wish we could be friends but there is only so much someone can take ya know? If she's not making money at her shows it's because someone that doesn't like her put a spell on her and has bound her money. I just wish she'd take responsability for herself and her actions. The fact that this situation is stressing me out so much has opened my eyes that he's having a negative effect on me and my life. I also agree with the first poster that she is controlling and jealous and yes I believe that she also may have some mental problems too. It's really awkward considering we live next door to each other (yes I am smack dab in the middle of the 2 fighting neighbors neighbors) that we have to go thorugh this but I'd just assume to mind my own business from now on. Thanks for the replies guys! If anyone else has anything to add please feel free.

WalesWoman	29 Oct 2004
Christy, Holy Cow! I agree, this woman, at age 45 is not behaving in a stable manner. I would think that she definately is not being responsible at all in her dealings with Tarot, or any of this other divinatory, "new age" stuff. Evidently she has no self-confidence and a codependant personality, she needs someone else to tell her what to think, what to do, because she doesn't trust her own judgment. I'd kind of wonder about this "psychic" person she sees as well, preying on her gulliablilty, it seems to me. But the main concern would be, regardless if she is delusional or just very, very naive and impressionable, what effect is this having on her children? I can well imagine what their father is going through and why he is trying to get custody. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time and you must be feeling very torn about this. You can help some people, but sometimes, it isn't helping them at all. I guess this is becoming one of those times when helping becomes a real liability, almost enabling them to continue making mistakes that nothing is learned from. If she asks for advice and then gets mad when you give it, I think I would not bother anymore. Everything you've been telling her is excellent advice from what I can see. Seems like no matter what you do from now on, she isn't going to like it. She is not wanting to deal with reality at all it seems like. Your kids not being able to play with anyone else's ????? This is too nuts! I think I would start being very careful around her and maybe hope she decides never to talk to you again. Oh, yeah, I'm sort of psychic myself, so now you have two different psychics telling you to stay away from her mess.

shelikes2read	29 Oct 2004
I have something to add. Your friend's $80/hour "psychic" sounds like the kind of fraud that inspired someone to create THIS site: http://www.gypsypsychicscams.com/ I don't know whether this so-called psychic your friend is seeing is working alone or as part of a group (the way some of the scammers described on that website are doing), but she unfortunately has gotten your friend to fall for her line hook, line, and sinker. It's a disgrace what she's doing. It makes me really angry to think that while I'm working my tail off to earn an honest living (as a temp in an office situation, not as a psychic) and am barely scraping by, crooked swindlers like this are out there basically STEALING gullible people's money. It's not right. Even if the person is willingly paying them, they're getting a truckload of lies for their money and nothing justifies that. Read through the site creator's story, which I admit is rather long, and if it sounds like your friend, I hope she sees the light before she wastes any more time or money. Whatever friends and family she hasn't alienated already might want to try some kind of intervention, although even then she won't REALLY listen until she's good and ready. I hope she reaches that "good and ready" point soon, for everyone's sake. If you can't get her to stop trying to manipulate you and your life, I hope you can find a way to peaceably break off contact with her. She is sending her own life to H-E-double-hockey-sticks in a handbasket, but there is no reason she should be taking YOUR life down too. I hope everything works out.

Shoegal75	29 Oct 2004
I couldn't agree more from the last post. I once went to this male psychic she sees with her, although I didn't get a reading because I can't afford 80 an hour! Geesh, anyhow, whether he is ligit or not, I really can't say. But if I were him i'd start putting the brakes on her visits because she's becoming extremely dependant on him and he HAS to know that!!!!! I'm surpised when she goes to him every week (and she goes to others too between her visits with this particular man) he doesn't just tell her to go home because he's telling her the same things over and over. She is one of those very carefree personalities. No worries! Have fun! Who cares?? But yet she obsesses about her love life and her ex and blah blah and the she wonders why no one has "came in" yet, as she puts it. She gives herself probably 20 readings a day with about 20 diff decks and wonders why they're all different. Because she's all mixed up, that's why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THat is what I want to say but don't dare. THanks all of you or listening to me vent. Everytime she has read me and I get the 3 of swords she insists my husband is cheating and she asks me to read her and I do and she butchers my reading and interprets it in her own way. Then why ask me?? BTW I haven't read her in many months because she drove me crazy with it. Sigh. I just feel bad for her kids because she has turned them against their father and convinced them that he is going to hurt them. I asked her why she thought that ( I was trying to get her to open her OWN mind and get a different perspective ) and she answered because psychic whomever told me. She tells her kids everything they say as well, even some scary bad stuff. Her daughter is 10 and puts protection spells on her room, which is really cool but I think her mom's paranoia has rubbed off on her too. Anyohw, I'm driving myself mad thinking about this. Mad to the point I want to walk my arse next door and tell her to keep her distance from me BUT I won't becaus have class and hopefully some dignity and will quietly fade in the background. I have read all of your posts and I truly am glad I have been able to get this off my chest to listening ears.

SongDeva	29 Oct 2004
I'm getting stressed out just reading this. And tell me again, why is it a problem that she's not speaking to you?!?! Woohoo! *off to cleanse self with white light* :) Sd

DarkElectric	29 Oct 2004
Good heavens, you are a sweet, caring person. However, you can't help her, I'll tell you this right now. She's too far gone. She needs help alright, but it's the kind that only a qualified therapist, or doctor can give. She needs psychiatric medical attention, in my opinion, for depression, obsession, and to build up some self respect and self reliance. This "psychic" is using her. What he is doing is not only unethical, it's reprehensible. He's taking her money, literally stealing food from her children's mouths. And he's encouraging her dependance on him to keep the gravy train flowing. That's cruel, and sick. I'm a psychic too. My advice, which I will give for free? Detach yourself from her. Detach and love her from a distance. You can't solve the problems of this unfortunate person no matter how good a friend you are, or want to be. The woman is not basing her reality in reality. Please, don't continue to get sucked in. And yes, if she continues to tell judges about what her psychic tells her to do, she will maybe not end up in the loony bin right away, but DSS WILL probably be called in, and her children may get "repositioned" in a different home. Then she'll end up there, or in a worse position, because her children have been taken away. There's nothing you can do, Hon. Just try to keep as much peace as you can. Detach, detach, detach.

shelikes2read	29 Oct 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Shoegal75 I couldn't agree more from the last post. I once went to this male psychic she sees with her, although I didn't get a reading because I can't afford 80 an hour! Geesh, anyhow, whether he is ligit or not, I really can't say. But if I were him i'd start putting the brakes on her visits because she's becoming extremely dependant on him and he HAS to know that!!!!! I'm surpised when she goes to him every week (and she goes to others too between her visits with this particular man) he doesn't just tell her to go home because he's telling her the same things over and over. There's a surprise -- I don't think I've seen a MALE pro psychic before. Then again, I strongly suspect that we're not seeing one in HIM, either. He sounds more interested in raking in her $80/hour than anything else. If he were TRULY ethical, he would do the things you said, and stop taking her money. Instead, he's taking a fortune from her for his hourly fees, AND selling her sea salts, candles, and gosh knows what else, KNOWING that she's in a state of financial hardship. That's not a psychic -- that's a crook, IMO. Shame on him. And if he's breaking any fortune-telling laws, I hope the authorities go after him, because I'm sure it's not just your friend he's quietly bankrupting. It makes me so ANGRY that parasites like that are out there, preying on vulnerable people. AND stealing more from their clients in one visit than I make in a whole day's worth of HONEST work, to boot. It burns me up to no end. :mad:

_N_	29 Oct 2004
The others have hit upon most of the things that I would say so I will just leave you with this small thought... ...some people are just toxic, plain and simple. They will not change because they don't want to or they don't believe there is anything wrong with them. These people will drag you down into the mud with them every chance they get. They can and will ruin your life if you let them. I say be thankful she isn't speaking to you and politely but firmly continue to keep it that way. As my mom still says - don't touch doo doo and you won't STINK ;) N

Shoegal75	29 Oct 2004
Yes, you all are right. It is a toxic situation and maybe i'm just now figuring it out. The sad thing is, she was a good friend of mine, but I can't stand to see her do these things to herself any longer. I do believe she's good at heart, she's just not on this planet a lot of the time and obviously she won't listen to anyone who cares about her, unless their telling her her future. THe last time I spoke to her she was crying about her dog dying and I comforted her and asked her what I could do for her and she asked if I could go to court and testify against the neighbor. I politely toldher I didn't feel comfortable with it (for the 4th or 5th time) and I haven't heard from her since. I've called to see how she was twice but both times...no answer so that's that. Honestly, I'm not going to worry about it anymore. It takes too muc energy. Phew! It's just a frustrating situation and the best thing I can do is to stay away from that mess. If she was a real friend she wouldn't try and put me in an awkward situation right? Well thanks for all your insight guys.

rosyelf	30 Oct 2004
No, I'm not suggesting that this lady literally sucks people's blood-but she's certainly doing it metaphorically-your blood in particular, as far as I can see. You are clearly a warm and very, very caring person-exactly the kind of person that attracts, unfortunately for you, this kind of negative, clinging, co-dependent energy. She very clearly has mental problems, and it's very sad, but professional help is what's needed, whether SHE accepts that or not. Do hope you can detach from her endless impossible demands. I've been there too-not with someone dependent on tarot and psychics per se, but someone who is in a deep deep mess, constantly wants advice, won't accept it, carries on with all sorts of self-defeating behaviour. . .and then blames YOU. Aaaaagh. I think all the people answering your original post have been very wise and sensible. :) love rosyelf

Imagemaker	30 Oct 2004
Quote: You are clearly a warm and very, very caring person-exactly the kind of person that attracts, unfortunately for you, this kind of negative, clinging, co-dependent energy. Can we broaden the discussion to this very good point? As I previously stated, I too was caught in a similar energy drain. In my case, the person was at first a guide and mentor who then, over time, revealed his profoundly empty, needy core (which was securely masked to most people). This was a school/work relationship that lasted over 14 years, not a Significant Other. But it had all the elements of a soul-mate attachment that disintegrated into emotional abuse and pain. My early connection/attachment to his mask was what kept me thinking that his surface appearance/actions were real, when the truth turned out to be the draining, demanding, "fix me" core. (Vampire is a good word for it.) It was through this experience that I truly understood how emotionally abused women stay with their abusers (who could be a friend like Shoegal's)--we're always thinking that the early wonderfulness, which still randomly surfaces to strengthen the attachment, is the true person. And hoping that first energy or "face" will return. I begin to wonder, is our caring and need to help really an ego trip that keeps us from saying "I'm outa here." Being in and seeing others in, these kinds of relationships, at any level, I came to realize was one thinking they could fix another, and the Other constantly sucking at the attention, the stronger energy. Both become obsessed and the situation spirals down, not up. It was a major grief and struggle to free myself. And now I see such needy people as dangerous sinkholes--only they often don't show that quality until you know them well , until they feel "safe with you" and can tell you their inner pain, which becomes a sharing (I thought), an honor and closeness. This is where the ego of the compassionate one comes in. Oh, the joy of being the one who can turn that person's life around. It's a trap. And I can see from the length of this post that I'm still easily hooked by the obsessive memories! Sigh. Comments?

TheoMo	30 Oct 2004
Your neighbour strikes me as someone who has probably faced a lot of control problems in the past. Perhaps she has suffered through a number of abusive relationships. In any event, in her mind she has attached to tarot and perhaps psychic experience in general as a way of interpreting the world, providing comfort and sanity in a world where little else is likely offered to her. *What* the cards say is actually meaningless -- in her mind she has already made up what their purpose is, which is to justify her own way of thinking or provide comfort. I agree with everything that people have written, but I guess a part of me wonders about those kids of hers. I feel like the situation you are in is somewhat complicated by the fact that she seems to not be very caring about the fact that she has a responsibility to her children, to make sure they are getting properly fed, clothed, educated, etc. Instead, a lot of that money seems to be going elsewhere. I frankly would not want to be in their position at this point. You have been very kind and compassionate with her, but oftentimes compassion is not simply giving into the demands of other people. Much of compassion is about being supportive and helpful. To continue in your current situation would *not* be compassionate, since it does nothing to help her confront her problems. She has every incentive now to keep doing what she is doing, both in her life and with you. So many people here have highlighted the dangers of people who feel the need to suck the energy from others. Sometimes it is a result of being abused in the past and learning how to face the world. Othertimes it is more sinister -- sometimes the most privileged people in the world get their kicks from controlling others, manipulating the good intentions of their friends to use as their own. It is sad that people like that are out there, and over the years I have learned the need to narrow my circle of human contact to the people I know who would not do that to me. If we are at the doorstep of a dying Aeon, it is one that is marked by a mental cannibalism of sorts, and unfortunately those of us who would let life inspire us realize that not everyone can do that, at least not now. Now, as to what *would* be compassionate -- for that I would say you must listen to yourself. For whatever reason, life has placed this woman next to you. Now of course, if you are honest and straight-up with her, I have a feeling she will take your words and interpret them to justify her own worldview already. It is likely that she will not listen to you. Both of you are speaking different languages -- when she comes over and acts friendly, she really is talking about controlling her life and using you. My suggestion would be to study her language. See how she speaks. Learn her language, and speak to her using it. You will only be able to communicate to her when you figure out the ways in which she will listen. Good luck!

amyel	30 Oct 2004
This woman is directionless and seeking direction. Because she does not trust herself, she is lookign for someone to "tell" her what to do. She is unwilling or unable to take responsibility and it will eventually result in her kids either being taken away from her or them leaving. Maybe she needs to try meditating and look for internal guidence instead of costly, extrenal guidence. But of course, she would have to speak to again in order for you to suggest that to her. But for you, you are doing the most loving thing you can FOR YOU, and that is stay away. I work with an "energy vampire" and trust me, the day I decided I didn't need to deal with her petty demands, I felt a weight lift off my shoudlers. The fact that I am her manager (but can't fire her) makes this challenging sometimes, but just having that weight lifted has made it easier to deal with her when I absolutely must.

katie_here	30 Oct 2004
if this psychic person has got your friend on some kind of emotional/dependency blackmail thing or something. I'm studying counselling and one of the first rules we learn is when a person is getting dependent and/or attached to you then you have to start detaching from them. Now counsellors can charge a lot of money and its highly unethical to use a client as a form of income rather than them paying for a service, but it sounds like he is doing just that. It would seem this psychic is probably more in the line of using her for his income. I think he is probably more dependent on her than she on him, but he has "fixed it" in a way to make her feel as though she cannot go on without him. He is telling her of problems in her neighbourhood so she is going home and is not happy, probably brooding on it, (because he's put the idea in her head, nothing has actually happened that she has witnessed). I would have one last ditch attempt, (probably even lie) and say that you have done a reading that warns her against this man, that she must stop seeing him for at least 6 months. (thats if you can do it, and don't feel bad about it). The cycle needs breaking, and it needs breaking fast, because there is no knowing what he is telling her. I mean why is he telling her things about you..... does he want her to ditch you so he has more of a grip and therefore can be assured of more $80's an hour. He sounds very iffy to me. (Also did you friends problems start when she started seeing him?)

RedMaple	30 Oct 2004
Several people have mentioned co-dependency, and it does sound as if you've been sucked into a co-dependent relationship with her. The only way out is to detach, you will not change her. The book, "Co-dependent No More" (or something like that) has a good description of how co-dependency works, how we get sucked in, and some very good suggestions on how to free yourself. A lot of it boils down to: stop worrying about the other person, focus on your own life. You can not solve their problems, only they can solve their problems. One interesting thing is that when you won't play their game, they often shut the door on you completely because they don't know how to have normal healthy relationships. Good luck, and get yourself free of her. RedMaple

The A friend obsessed!! What to do? thread was originally posted on 29 Oct 2004 in the Talking Tarot board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Talking Tarot, or read more archived threads.