cleansing out our lives

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 22 Mar 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

jade	22 Mar 2002
i have a question for you all. it's rather timely for me personally because i just completed yet another cleansing in my life....... but i was wondering how many of you do this too? every so often, when the need is there, (seems to be about every 6 months or so for me) i find myself cleaning out my personal life. something happens between me and someone in my life that starts it and then it just keeps rolling along. i end up choosing to release the person/project(s) from my life as i see that my time with them is at a closing. do any of you do this? i am very fussy about who is in my 'circle'. my energy is a precious thing and i don't like to keep investing it into a relationship or project that just isn't going anywhere. i don't have people in my life just to fill space LOL so if a person/project isn't a productive part of my life......i let it go cause it (IMO) can then be a productive part of someone else's life. or do you tend to just keep people in your life forever? hmmmm............ let me know. jade

Malachite	22 Mar 2002
I think i do this sometimes, but I've never done it as a spiritual thing...more just a practical release from a dead emotion...I usually find I have enough pressure, without lugging the corpse of a dead personal relationship around with me as well... I do tend to feel a little ashamed when I do cut off a contact though, since it just doesn't seem right...like i should always try and make friendships work, even if they are obviously not on any kind of basis... with people, I usually try and see it from the other person's point of view...rather than making sure they are a productive part of my life, i would rather know if I am a productive part of their's....If i'm not, and they are not for me, then i let go...however, even if i do not feel really attached to a friend, if they need someone for support at the time, I always try and hang on in there until they have someone else more appropriate. I don;t mind giving my energy, as long as I have energy coming in...all of humanity is a big trading circle of energy, so as long as its flowing in as well as out, i don't really mind...

Aeon	22 Mar 2002
I'm so glad I'm not alone. I'm very picky about who I let in my life too to the point of cutting out family members. I don't use the term "friends" lightly and I'm very cautious about who I do let in my life (comes from being screwed too many times). I work to hard to make my personal world safe and happy just to have someone screw it up. Dead weight makes the boat sink....throw it overboard. I think sometimes we don't even realize how heavy and how much that dead weight costs till we get rid of it. A year ago I ended a 9 yr friendship and have come to realize that the person seriously effected my daughter indirectly. Her attitude has improved, she's on the A/B honor roll now, she's happier and more open minded. I miss that person sometimes but I like the person my daughter is now more. I now pay more attention to how people affect my overall world and not just me. Aeon

truthsayer	22 Mar 2002
i don't cleanse ppl from my life as a kind of spiritual housecleaning. probably would help me tho. i tend to hold on to relationships for a long time--even after i'm no longer in communcation with that person. if i plan to cut all ties with a person then i try to do that but there are the spirits of past relationships that continue to haunt me. i still think about these ppl and sometimes dream about them. i don't have a categorical mind that can cut the strings of a relationship that easily. some ppl haunt me b/c i don't feel a resolution in the relationship. i hope one day to meet the person again and find out what is it in me that needs to hang on.the letting go ritual described here--the one with the cocoons would probably be a big help to me.

jade	22 Mar 2002
to assist myself in releasing some people from my life, i write them a letter. (i'm famous IRL for my letters LOL) i tell them all the gifts that i have received because they were a part of my life, i mention the great memories and thank them for blessing me with the lessons, growth and gifts that they brought to our relationship.................... and then i say goodbye. i find that this is really good for me. i have heard back from some people regarding their letters and they thanked me for being so kind and loving and for being so clear with them. i don't sugar coat things.......you don't me 'watered down' i am as i am and that's that. (but at the same time, i'm not hurtful with my clarity either. i embrace compassion and love and kindness as well) but, if you don't like me the way i am, then i have no problem not being in your life, but i'm not prepared to go back to the wimpering, co-dependant, "worrying more about other people's feelings than my own" jade that used to live in my body LOL. i love who i am, i enjoy my own company and i don't need others to 'fill' my time. i realize that you may all read this and think, "wow, she's full of herself" but i don't think there's anything wrong with me liking myself. it took alot of therapy and spiritual work to get here and i'm not about to be less of who i am because my honesty and clarity may ruffle a few feathers. the people who mean the most to me, love and cherish that about me. loving myself today, jade :)

Kaz	22 Mar 2002
I don't write people letters, as i am not so good at writing anyway, I do tell them though. Not as elaborate as jade does i think, but in me own way. And some people just disappear from my life anyway, so no bothering about that. Kaz

january	22 Mar 2002
Quote: ...but i'm not prepared to go back to the wimpering, co-dependant, "worrying more about other people's feelings than my own" jade that used to live in my body LOL. i love who i am, i enjoy my own company and i don't need others to 'fill' my time.... Jade, you are my hero! You completely spoke to my heart! That is me!!! But why is it soooo difficult to truly love yourself? Why is it so easy to place our own self-worth in what others (seem to) think of us? I'm severely struggling with this right now. People comment on how upbeat and positive I am yet, behind closed doors, I beat myself up (I got the 9 of Swords today!). Its getting fewer and further between but I look forward to the day when I can honestly look myself in the mirror and say "Yes! You are are something great!" I don't think its being 'full of yourself' at all. Its wonderful that you have come to really like who you are and realized that you can't please everyone all of the time. And I became spiritually (and sometimes physically) exhausted from putting others needs and feelings above my own. Oh, Dear! What if hurt someone's feelings? They won't like me and I'm a useless loser! I'm trying not to trouble myself so much with what pleases others but rather I aim to understand them and walk in their shoes. And I can only hope they will get my vibe and do the same. So yes, I guess I am cleansing my life of old patterns, beliefs, friendships that are too much work and even geography that no longer serves a purpose. My mother suggested tonight that we get an old suitcase at GoodwillI, fill it with everything that I need to let go of and drop it off over the bridge. She said, 'When its gone, its gone... unless you want to be a fool and jump in after it!' (Of course being me, I worried what someone would think if they found it washed up on their shore. Silly me!) hugs to all of you! ~ january

kayne	22 Mar 2002
I think friends tend to phase in and out of your life, usually just when you need them and/or they need you. I don't nesseccarily keep in touch with every friend I have ever had but I would like them to know that I am always here for them, even if we have not spoken for a year or more... Relationships are different... I have never managed to remain friends with an 'ex' and rarely have anything to do with them when the relationship is over. This is not a rule in my life, it is just how it has been so far...

faunabay	23 Mar 2002
Jade, From the bottom of my heart - thank you for posting this!!!! I've done this for most of my life I think and have never really run into anyone else who did it with a purpose like I do. I don't have very many friends I've known for longer than 5 years who I'm' still in touch with - just one or two. But I know some people who've been friends since grade school!!! That's just so foreign to me. I'm never without friends as I always meet new people as I have new interests and learn new things. But also like Malachite, I've felt a bit guilty about it. Yes there are people who faze in and out of your life by mutual choice, but there are also some YOU choose to let out of your circle of space and energy. And choosing to let someone out sometimes can be hard and I always feel relief, but then that guilt kind of sneaks in sometimes (not always) too. :( I'm actually working on this right now! I've been releasing some friends and gaining others in the last month or two. It's been very exciting, but again I feel a bit guilty sometimes. I need to get over that! Because I don't do it out of any negative emotions, it just happens that we start going in different directions.

jade	23 Mar 2002
i wasn't sure how you would all react to this 'aspect' of who i am. i'm so glad that i found more people just like me :) aaahhh, just what i needed to hear. thanks all. love jade

Diana	23 Mar 2002
I have often purposefully phased out relationships with friends and acquaintances. Sometimes the other person was also ready to end it, and that was when it worked out the best. However, sometimes I know that my ending the relationship has hurt the person quite badly, and that they would have liked the friendship to go on. I still don't know how to deal with my unease at the knowledge that I have hurt people who have not necessarily done anything mean or unkind to me, but who I just had grown out of. I feel pretty sad and sometimes guilty about this.

funkpuss	23 Mar 2002
I know wahat you mean. I'm doing the same thing now...and this one is not about my ex-boyfriend! even though I'm dealing with that as well. I've not a couple now for over 8 years now and our lives are changing and we don't seem to talk as much, but I think it's because i don't really like my friends partner because I he is judgmental and has his views already set and she feels totally depentant on him i.e If Sam arranges to meet up the plans are changes because her partner has thought of something else. I didn't mind in at the start + I was always going to see them, calling them etc. I do consider her as a GOOD friend but she has not got her own mind. so I wil just place her in the background in my life. But as someone said earlier it's normaly happens when you or them helps support in some way. Over 5 years ago my mother died and I couldn't beleive the amount of support I received but it was not from the people that I called my close friends at the time. Anyway I think it's good to have a good spring clean every now and then. Funkpuss

Malachite	23 Mar 2002
I think the line is... Once you're comfortable with who you are, and happy with yourself, you don't have to spend as much time thinking about it, and once you hit that plateau, you can make much more room for other people, without it actually affecting you're own view of yourself...i mean, if you know what it means to be you, you have the strength to fight off people who encroach on that, but it doesn't mean you have to set up a strict exclusion policy on all your dealings with other people... after all, just because you don't NEED other people, it doesn't mean you have to be alone all the time...a tree that stands alone in the storm will suffer greater hardship than a tree surrounded by others...and if some buddhist guy hasn't already said something like that, they should have done... I don;t NEED TV, but it can be useful...I don't NEED chocolate, but it tastes nice...I don't NEED friends, but i WANT them more than chocolate or TV. I can live without friends. I've done it before, and I can do it again, but I don't see that as a reason to have to live without friends. If i meet someone who is in a position to offer me support through difficult periods, then i may accept that support. I may be able to get by without it, but in my eyes, my acceptance of help in no way diminishes my own strength or individuality... Still, each to their own.. ;-)

Kissa	23 Mar 2002
Quote: Originally posted by jade but i'm not prepared to go back to the wimpering, co-dependant, "worrying more about other people's feelings than my own" jade that used to live in my body LOL. i love who i am, i enjoy my own company and i don't need others to 'fill' my time. i realize that you may all read this and think, "wow, she's full of herself" but i don't think there's anything wrong with me liking myself. it took alot of therapy and spiritual work to get here and i'm not about to be less of who i am because my honesty and clarity may ruffle a few feathers. the people who mean the most to me, love and cherish that about me. loving myself today, jade :) Wow Jade ! It seems you have achieved what I want to. I still get sick about "what is he/she going to think ? Have I hurt his/her feelings so badly ? Is he/she going to be miserable because of me ?" and all that vicious circle crap. I wish I was more myself with people, not wasting so much stress and energy trying to be nice to people who don't give it back. I am working on it, though. I am trying to focus on the things that are important to myself, I am trying to understand and love myself. I think that my physical appearance for example is too big an big issue to me. (Now listen to that one, it is stupid but that's the way I see it : ) See I still have a few kilos that don't want to leave even if I was pregnant almost two years ago :) but I think that there are lots of things in my head and my heart who need to be dealt with and the obsession about the kilos is just an excuse to be unsatisfied with myself. I have come to the conclusion that I have to deal with my heart and soul properly and when I'm done, maybe the kilos will have left (in my dreams ...) or will leave easily or I will just love myself the way I am and not worry about a few extra kilos. I have received this tarot deck "Songs for the Journey Home" and it had such an impact on me (I was thinking of it all day, seeing dreams about it), now I am working with it, reading the book and meditating on the cards and I got really sick yesterday (high fever, my voice has gone etc). Somehow I think it is part of a cleansing process, after all, my voice is my words and losing it shows that I have to think about what I say (my husband would laugh to die if he read this !!). And finally, here in Finland, spring has finally decided to come and I can feel it in my body and my mind too. I am rebirthing ! and it is quite painful (I got an argument with my sister this week and I was a pain in my hubby's a** all week too). Anyway, if you have some advises to help me in my spring cleansing process, they are welcome since you have achieved what I am trying to :) Congratulations and respect to you ! HUGS ! Kissa aka Karen

Marion	23 Mar 2002
I could not go through my relationships and projects every six months and prune out every one that was not supporting me. Not everything in the world has to support me, sometimes I have to support her/him/it. Anyway, someone had to speak up for the other side of this discussion. Just my opinion, and clearly a minority report. :)

amyel	23 Mar 2002
I can see Jade's (and others) point, & I can see Marion's too. I agree with Kayne who pointed out that sometimes friends come & go in our lives....whether that is part of the cycle or deliberate one someone's part is *almost* irrelevant. I say almost because I have been "cut" from a friend's life (without really ever knowing why) and I have also deliberately cut friends from my life (without, I am ashamed to admit to Jade, ever really saying why). But I *think* what Jade is saying - and I know she will clarify/correct me if I don't understand - is that sometimes a person can be so toxic to your inner well being that waiting for the drift is not soon enough - a more deliberate action is required. I had a friendship like this - the gal was toxic to many of us - but as she was the wife of a friend, it was kinda hard to break off the communications with just her. After I moved away and she divorced my friend, the problem (for me) was solved, but until then, it was a pain to have to deal with her (and not just for me). Having said all that, if she ever called me in need, I would try to help her - but knowing how I feel without her friendship vs. how I felt with it, I would not pursue or encourage a renewal of the friendship.

jade	23 Mar 2002
oh gosh marion, it's not that i don't support others..............i do lots of that. i'm talking about when people, who i thought were on my wavelength, or who were and now aren't. for example: last fall i had a friend that loves to gossip. i didn't know this about her when we became friends because she wasn't gossiping to me at that time. then, i suppose thru the comfort of our friendship, she began to gossip. this is something that i used to do when i was younger and i hated it about myself.....so i worked really hard on NOT gossiping. i asked her repeatedly to please stop gossiping (about a mutual friend) and she just ignored me. to the point where, when she would start gossiping she would hold up her hand and say, "i know, i know you don't want to hear this but.............." i would reply, "please stop, i don't want to listen to you talk about _____ like that" she would just continue and i would be really quiet waiting for her to stop. i had to end the friendship because i didn't want to be friends with someone who couldn't respect my wishes and who speaks about others like that. (let's all face it, if she gossips about our friend to me like that we all KNOW that she's gossiping about me to others, which i found out later she was) i believe that our close circle of people in our lives are mirrors of who we are. i didn't want to mirror that. also, i don't feel that keeping people who i don't enjoy being around or who want me to be someone i'm not (like less honest for example) is healthy for me. malachite, i am very comfy with who i am. i have hit that plateau, so to speak, although spiritual growth and development isn't something i ever intend on stopping. this isn't about being "peer pressured" this is about choosing my friends wisely. i would rather have one really good friend, then 10 'sorta' friends anyday. sometimes i choose a friend (or student) and think it will be a great relationship and then later i discover that i'm not the best teacher for them, or i've taught them all i can, or that we don't mesh like i thought we did as friends. i don't have to be friends to everyone and teacher to all................i'm not perfect, just myself :) kissa, in a friendship etc. i try to focus on the positive outweighing the negative. LOL if there's more (or something major) that i don't like about someone, i gently and lovingly release them. try writing them a letter like i mentioned above.....pointing out the pluses of being their friend and letting them know that it's time for you to move on, with love. if they get hurt, then that's their decision..........but YOUR feelings and needs have to count too! all, i'm not into 'sorta' friendships. i'm either your friend or i'm not. i do have some friends who i love dearly and i hope to never give up and even though their lives aren't meshing with mine right now, i hope that someday they will......but for the most part, my friends are either in my life or not. and i hope that you all know me well enough by now to know that i'm not a cold hearted hurtful b****. i just really care about me. (and i believe that by teaching my children by example....they won't have really disfunctional friendships cluttering up their lives either - which so far is working....just ask fairyface) in light, hoping this assisted in clarity, jade :)

jade	23 Mar 2002
Quote: Originally posted by amyel I say almost because I have been "cut" from a friend's life (without really ever knowing why) and I have also deliberately cut friends from my life (without, I am ashamed to admit to Jade, ever really saying why). that's why i always write a letter to them, or tell them in person "why". i don't think it's fair to just leave and also, it takes away their opportunity (and your own) to learn from the situation. But I *think* what Jade is saying - and I know she will clarify/correct me if I don't understand - is that sometimes a person can be so toxic to your inner well being that waiting for the drift is not soon enough - a more deliberate action is required. yup! :) jade

Malachite	23 Mar 2002
Jade Please don;t think i was trying to attack your approach...I was just being exceptionally blunt. oops. I agree with the 'one really good friend' bit, and the 'friend or not' bit...I guess i just misread the original post... sorry.... Why does incense smoke always go right into your eyes?... hmm...the world is weird, and yes, you're right, I'm changing the subject....

jade	23 Mar 2002
hey malachite, just cause i have an opinion doesn't mean that it's right. LOL love jade ps maybe it's just right for me :) and maybe it's right for the incense smoke to burn my eyes cause i'm standing too close. (i know, i'm changing the subject with ya LOL)

Kissa	24 Mar 2002
I love this forum because it has such a good friendly spirit ! Nothing else ! I just wanted to say that I am glad somewhere on this planet there is room for people to express their different opinions and respect the others' as well. And it always ends with humour and lightness, I LOVE IT ! I love you guys ! Karen

Silence Dogood	24 Mar 2002
I'm tending to agree with Marion... Sometimes people fall away from you, or you from them. It happens...... The idea that every six months (mark it on my calendar, please!) that I must sit down and make a list of some type of who is supporting me and who in my life isn't so now is the time to get rid of them seems very calculated...and cold. There may be a time when someone pisses you off so far that you need to take care of the matter at hand ASAP, but to do it on a schedule like changing the battery in your smoke alarm....?

jade	25 Mar 2002
silence, i suggest you re-read the original post and then take another look at your answer. i said, it seems to happen about every 6 months. not that i set my calendar and put it on my 'to do list'. LOL jade

truthsayer	25 Mar 2002
let me expand on this subject of cleansing our lives. what if we decide a certain situation isn't for us whether it is a job or college program or whatever? but b/c of a deep sense of obligation to parts of the situation we desire we hang on to it even when it becomes toxic to us? i know i hung on to a job long after the environment became toxic to me. i tried protecting myself, etc. because the job itself i loved. i tried to find another office environment doing the same thing but couldn't transfer. i finally had to quit b/c the toxicity affected my health. i really want to let the ppl i worked w/ who hurt me know how i feel b/c i repressed it all at the time to "get along". since it's been 3 years i think they would miss my message and just consider me "crazy" as usual. i wonder if just writing that letter like you describe,jade, then burning it would help me let go. i don't want to invite more pain on myself. another dilemna is that i am feeling that the nursing program isn't for me. however, i love my classmates to the point that i keep going to school just to see them. i love the comradery that we all have. i talked to one of my friends and she said that they all were feeling what i was feeling and that she and the others weren't going to let me give up. it's become such a struggle to continue b/c of my prior medical problems. i started this project in fall 1999 in hopes of building my strength back up and this has been partially successful. i still am very fatigued, fall asleep in class and must have a nap to get thru the day. days at the hospital are pure hell for me. i'm happy that my friends support me but my body and mind seem to be telling me this isn't for me either. my friends don't understand how i am suffering. some days studying, going to class and the hospital is such pleasure!! but it's getting like the job i left. parts of school is toxic to me and part is great but it's impossible to do one w/o the other. the instructors are fair but tough and i'm having much difficulty remembering and performing skills i learned monthes ago. i'm very empathic w/ my patients and give good basic care but even doing a sterile dressing or giving medicines right is just flooring me. i feel very discouraged. my friends say they are, too, so i can't quit no matter how bad i feel. i'm really torn. right now i have some kind of upper respiratory tract infection and can't speak above a whisper. i was planning to sign the papers to drop out tomorrow but now i have to go to the doctor instead. i think my body and mind is sending me mixed messages by me losing my voice. i can go back in the fall and renew my studies after a rest. i can drop passing. i am so confused about reading the signs of whether or not this situation is too toxic for me. how do i tell depression/discouragement from a situation being toxic? can a situation be both toxic and good for you? my stamina has increased tremendously since i started this. my mental health has also improved. however, there seems to be so many unbearable hurdles ahead of me to make it to may 13--the end of the semester. it's hard to see beyond hour to hour. it's hard to sleep due to worry about passing. i have started writing a letter to email my classmates about why i am leaving. i don't want them to try to talk me out of this or to feel responsible for me leaving. the reasons i feel i can't go on are complex and some aren't any of their business but i feel a responsibility to them b/c i have learned to care deeply about them and their success in nursing. any suggestions or supprt would be appreciated. it's hard to describe what nursing school is like. i've never done anything that has created such deep and complex emotions in me in so brief a time. the thought of making decisions that could heal or kill a patient are so intimidating. you definitely have to experience it to fully understand the depth. i know the upper level students have been complaining about holding in there by their fingertips for the last year. i feel like i am in bootcamp. drill sergeants yelling at me and all for not being better than what i am.

Marion	25 Mar 2002
Dear truthsayer, I know you are looking in a panicky way for a 'sign' to tell you which way to jump. Knowing the universe, you are getting them, but swallowing fear so hard that you cannot 'see'. My throat always closes up when I feel trapped, too. The trouble is, for you to find perspective is very hard because your day to day life is so challenging, and so 'close' (I guess I mean non-stop or something like that). Is there any way in the world to get away from the school situation for a few days, in a peaceful environment, to think this through? And not in a scary "I must think this out, I must think out" way, but in a 'stare at a lake' for a few hours kind of way?? All the best to you, Marion

slinky_jo	25 Mar 2002
Every Sabbat a group of close, like-minded friends and I get together and do cleansing, protection, and healing rituals instead of the usual Sabbat ritual. I find this just about tides me over till the next one! We make sure that everybody gets to participate/lead in each ritual.

Kiama	25 Mar 2002
I find that I don't purposefuly phase people out of my life. Usually what happens is that when the relationship is 'dead' so to speak, or hurting one or th other of us, it will just phase out without me really needing to consciously do anyhing. Things just happen to dissipate it. I remember when a 4 year best-friendship I had turned stale and nasty. Suddenly, the next thing that happened was it just simply stopped... We just didn't phone or talk that much, we went about daily living normally, but didn't really bother about each other. Not purposefuly, its just that, it happened... Not quite sure how, but it did. I find I have many, many acquaintances, who I can have a conversation with, help out in class, share a bit of a joke, say hi to in the street, but they aren't the same as friends. For me, I have a few true friends, who are very scattered geographically, with only a couple of them living in the same country as me! I have one in Italy, one on Scotland, one in America, one in Germany... And quite a few more! But these are my true friends, not just acquaintances.... Anyway, I can see all points here. And I think its very brave of you Jade to be able to cleanse your life in this way every 6 months. Kiama

truthsayer	25 Mar 2002
marion, i feel so wishy washy about this situation. i had to see my doctor today b/c i was afraid i had strep throat--i don't. she went on about how proud she was about me being in nursing school and not to let them "weed" me out. it felt good hearing her talk so positively about my potential. just a crumb of encouragement and i feel ready to stay in again! LOL i know she is right about the "weeding out" game. it seems i will have a few days of quiet while i recover from this infection. i haven't studied in days but i think that will work out. just having more rest and a break from classes and incessant studying is helpful. next week will be spring break so if i can postpone making a decision until april that would be great. some ppl thrive on noise and confusion. i definitely find it extremely stressful. it's very confusing b/c it is so hard to tell the difference b/t a toxic situation and one that is designed to be tough to make me stronger in this profession. my husband was in the army and he said some of the mind games i've described to him sounds like basic training. but boot camp is 6 weeks of hell. this is another 18 months! i have a new found respect for nurses b/c i've been told this is what it's like for them all in training.

jade	25 Mar 2002
truthsayer, regarding your old job.........yes, writing down how you feel and burning it afterwards is very cleansing and healing. it can give you closure.......personally i read the 'letter' three times and then burn the ashes. dig a small hole 3" deep and bury the ashes or flush them down the toilet (flushing three times) on a dark moon. now, regarding your current schooling..........when my throat chakra shuts down it's because i need to say something to someone that i'm not saying. (like 'i quit') have you considered that perhaps you went into nursing to discover that it was physically and mentally too demanding (nothing wrong with that.....it doesn't make you a failure, just not your path) but that something in a more 'empathetic' field would be better. (you discovered your strength!) working with special needs kids in schools...... or somewhere in the therapy professions....... or an old folks home perhaps. if i were in this situation, i would (now this is me not you) leave school and investigate another field that works WITH my strengths rather than trying to 'improve' upon my weaknesses or uncomfortable shortcomings (having someone's life in my hands for example) in a field where my 'negatives' are accentuated. (does this make sense? i'm not saying that they are your weaknesses or shortcomings, but they become your weaknesses and shortcomings because it's not what 'sings' for you in your heart. ) personally i believe that what you are meant to be in this life comes easy to you. it flows. when something doesn't flow for me, i change it, move it around until it does...........or walk away with the knowledge that i tried it out and it just didn't fit. things don't have to be a difficult challenge..........they can be what makes your spirit sing.........and you can love love love what you are doing. :) either way,......it's your choice, no strings attached, just your choice. :) i would like to see you tell your friends in class that this is your life, not theirs and that you leaving is not a reflection on them, it's a choice that only you can make. period. regardless, of your decision in this. love jade ps and your doctor seeing this as a wonderful profession makes sense.........nurses work with doctors after all. pss i hope this makes sense. LOL if not, let me know and i'll start over....my brain is mush today LOL

Marion	25 Mar 2002
Truthsayer, Seeing difficult periods through can culitivate character, and the personal rewards can be great. My education and training took five very challenging years, years when sometimes I cried and despaired and held on my fingernails. I love my profession, it is constant source of interest and renewal to me. Getting here was a long road, not always easy by any means. Just because a goal is not easy for you to attain, does not mean it is not your goal. I believe that most sincerely. On the other hand, a challenge can just mean you are struggling in an area where you should not be. That was why I suggested a little mental and emotional distance from the problem to see it clearly. Marion

jade	25 Mar 2002
point taken (and a good one at that LOL) but........i don't personally live my life that way and i can only speak from what i live and believe ~ which is why this forum is soooo wonderful. we all live and speak from our own personal vantage point. :) jade

amyel	25 Mar 2002
Quote: Originally posted by jade when my throat chakra shuts down it's because i need to say something to someone that i'm not saying. (like 'i quit') This is kinda strange, but fits in well. For about 4 years solid, I got strep throat 3 -4 times a year. Followed by laryngitis. As a talker (just ask my sis!), these periods of enforced silence were probably a blessing to many - but for me, just agony (and not just because it was painful!). But towards the end, I kinda looked forward to inevitable strep-throat/laryngitis bout, because it gave me a reminder of how to enjoy the silence, so to speak (no pun intended). The condition stopped after I finished uni and working at a place that caused me constant stress (on top fo the stress caused by uni). I still occasionally have these bouts - usually when my life is very stressful and I feel helpless/hopeless/restless. The time off from speaking allows me to spend time searching for answers. I take these bouts as a message from my body that I have to slow down. BTW, the frequent bouts msyteriously stopped when my dr. threatened me to have my tonsils removed. Guess my body/mind took that as potentially more stressful then the stress I was under!

purplelady	25 Mar 2002
Truthsayer, just an impression, a thought , a hunch - could it be you are worrying yourself with worry? Or just feeling the heat turned up because of the tests coming or end of the semester in may?............Or that you've just let anxiety get the best of you ( I know because this happens to Me!) I have no doubt that nursing is extemely taxing on body and emotions. However..............I feel like you chose it for a reason and got This far. Also , once you get through it and Get your degree , you could probubly use it in so many different ways if you wanted? I guess I'm just coming from the place of having no proffession or college and Wishing I did. And I know nurses are very very very very much in demand in the job market! If you do drop out , where will you go from here? Well , I have considered nursing school myself, actually I feel pretty torn or ambivilant about it. On the one hand it would be a very in-demand proffession to get into . On the other hand , I have always felt an Aversion to medical things , hospitals and doctors! Also , I'm so incredibly opinionated it would probubly drive me nuts to not throw in my 2 cents on how it ought to be done , or on how I believe natural healing is so much better and hospitals are really sick! It seems to me like going from being a counselor to nurse is like jumping from the pan to the fire! Well , I just feel you need to really know for sure before you drop out , and consider all you will be losing (or maybe gaining to be fair). Anyhow , I kind-of admire you for going to nurses school . I've heard how hard MED school is for doctors, sort-of compared to boot camp , but hadn't really heard that about nursing school too . Anyhow , good luck , my instincts just tell me to try and get through this time , saturnian aspects and all. And all may turn out better on the other side.

truthsayer	25 Mar 2002
all of you have no idea how much better your comments have made me feel. when i worked as a counselor i specialized in working w/ ppl w/ severe physical disabilities. i worked quite a bit w/ doctors and the medical profession in general. i felt frustrated by my lack of knowledge of what was happening medically to my clients so i could guide them better. my interest in nursing is the medical knowledge i will gain. i want to use that knowledge in a nursing health educator kind of way. i am feeling like i have gained so much medical knowledge in the last year and a half that i may be able to complete my mission w/o finishing the rn degree. i am barely passing in the classroom and clinical phases. i'm a lifetime student and i've never had to work this hard to keep a "D" average. i am by nature an A/B student. it blows my mind to study 2 weeks plus get tutoring and still just hang onto a "C". i love what i am learning but it's not coming naturally to me. on the other hand, counseling and empathizing w/ my patient feels like putting on comfy clothes. i'm not against struggling to get what i want. i just against pushing myself past my limits for something that has lost meaning for me. in the days i haven't let this worry me, i find myself relaxing and taking up creative pursuits i get enormous satisfaction out of. i can sleep all night w/o nightmares about not passing tests or showing up to class late. i've decided i'm going to study tomorrow and see how the rest and refilling my pitcher helps me concentrate. if it doesn't feel right then i'll have my answer. again talking this out w/ you guys has been an enormous help. it helps to expand my view of what's going on inside of me from other perspectives. i can sense the caring oozing from between the lines. thanks so much. i'll let y'all know.

faunabay	26 Mar 2002
I think you're doing great truthsayer! You'll do what is the exact right thing for you. It is tough sometimes to make that decision. There's a very fine line between working through the tough times to strengthen yourself and holding on to something just because you feel you should "tough it out". I usually will pull out my Healing with the Angels cards to help when I get stuck. They always seem to tell me the exact thing I need to hear to figure out what I really want to do. :)

faunabay	26 Mar 2002
jade, We seem to have gotten off your original point here. And as some others have not closely read what you wrote at the beginning and took it the wrong way - I just want to say again...... I'm so glad you posted this! I have done this with my friends for a long time and was the only person I knew who did. Thank you so much for let's me know I'm not the only one who moves on when the time is right!! You're wonderful!!! :) BIG HUG TO YOU!

New River	26 Mar 2002
Hi jade! i went thru a huge cleanisng like this about 5 yrs. ago. a lot of people left my life. it was my choice usually. i found out it takes a lot of courage to tell someone the truth about this. hopefully, they learn how to do the same thing with the ppl in their lives thru our example. it sounds kind of cold hearted and sometimes i had some guilt over it. i worked it thru. but since it was such a hard thing to do, i made very sure i wouldn't have to do much of it ever again. i am very cautious about letting anyone into my inner circle. i've been known to put ppl on a sort of probation period while i'm deciding. hey, relationships are a lot of work! i would do this if i were taking on a new job. once in awhile someone will leave my life as they move on, but it is rarely me who has to move on from them anymore. love. light and hope, New River

jade	26 Mar 2002
truth, it's wonderful how sharing can assist us in working thru our stuff :) faunabay, thanks :) (((hugs))) all, i'm so glad that we all shared our feelings on this. no one was right or wrong.....everyone just shared and perhaps even learned a thing or two in the process. i love the people on this forum and i love what it brings to my life. in light, jade

truthsayer	27 Mar 2002
you know it simply amazes me how when i just relax and let the universe take over when i am too overwhelmed to do more and a decision is made for me. since i've been too sick since sunday when i felt too overwhelmed to complete the week, i haven't been able to get to the college to drop out. today i found out that the test on friday has been cancelled. i only have to take the trach skills test and practice my skills the rest of the week. i feel like i can handle this. i haven't studied at all in days and am feeling bored and more interesting in working on my nursing again. if i hadn't gotten sick i would have quit. then later i would have discovered the situation had changed to a situation i could cope with. WOW! maybe the toxicity i was experiencing from the situation was my total mental exhaustion from working so hard for the past 3 months w/o break. i feel myself coming back around to being interested in learning again. i'm glad i listened to you guys. i'm trying to write the letter to let go of my co-workers but what has come up instead is more interesting. my deceased grandfather sexually assaulted me around 20 years ago. he died in 1996 but i never was able to cry a tear. instead i find myself writing a letter to him telling how i wished that he hadn't died before i had exposed who he was to the family and confronted their denial about his perpetrator behavior. one night he told me about the women he raped in WWWII. he made me want to throw up. i realize i can't forgive him but he's dead and my anger is only hurting me. some ways i miss him and family celebrations but i wish i could make him know how much happier my christmases have been since he has been gone. maybe i need a visit to crossing over w/ john edward! LOL i don't know if what i'm saying really suits the topic you started w/ jade but it has made me pay attention to what i need to cleanse in my life. maybe i need to start w/ letters to the dead and work up to the living. it's so hard to write out the feelings. i feel so dead inside about him but the words come out. i hope i wil feel cleansed when i finish my letter to him. i really do appreciate your wording to this topic b/c it helped make me think in ways i haven't before about my stagnant feelings. thank-you doesn't seem like enough in order to gain these insights.

All Is One	27 Mar 2002
I spent too many yrs in schl: There were months of hell, I couldn't sleep, eat, or speak to fellow english lit majors, becuz a 10 week course in linguistics or early american lit (either one equally dreadful at the end) was waiting for a paper (I got my BA but did't finish my last yr for MA) So: sometimes you hang in, sometimes you get out and go on My father is a Prof. of Biochem + taught medical students at U of New Mexico. The stress and misery I saw as a 7 yr old in his lab eating jelly donuts was unreal So glad you feel better it seems that you surely feel a deep desire/need/calling towards this extremely difficult profession My guess: anyone who calls themselves "Altruist at large" is exactly who I want to be the head nurse when I need one No matter what action you take, you are still the same magnificant, perfect, and very fragile soul. IOW- one of us, and we love you

All Is One	27 Mar 2002
Dear Truthsayer: I started my reply to you, got sidetracked, finally finished it and when I went to it, THEN found yr latest post. The reason I dropped out of college was the increasing pressures of years of major depression, severe anorexia, and Obcessive Compulsive Disorder. Which boils down to literally years of the best psychotherapy available in Los Angeles in the 1980's, and my absolute and complete repression of any memories not compatible with my image of my father as GOD. Without years of tarot and automatic writing ( I call it poetry) and sychronous events all around me, and without the 2 years of flash backs and MORE therapy I went through in 1997 - 2000, I'd have thought it very strange that I replied (and re-wrote three times) to your posts re: stress over nursing school with a direct reference to my father. . . I edited out about four Paragraphs on him and his unorthodox medical school teaching theories, and other oddball stuff. But I read the latest post and now I'm drained. For me to discuss what he did to me is both obcessivesly necessary, and actually impossible. The fact that you somehow communicated your deepest issues which spoke to mine, without my awareness, is not all that surprising. I was up late the last three nites needing (and not wanting to ) to talk to the man I'm in love with about my Dad, because he has trouble getting it. Hearing myself obcess and rant and yet make no sense, I was angry at the "not getting over it" which is perhaps permanent for me in certain ways. I'm glad youare at least physically done with your grand father- my dad has married a woman younger than me (14? yrs ago) and he has two very small children by her, of which he is the retired stay at home caregiver. I began the re-experiencing of it all after hearing of his second child's birth, a daughter, in 1996/97. I have not seen him since 1989 (/), by choice. I am just so glad you didn't let it all undermine and overwhelm you . Thanks for bringing me home to the threads that unite us,

truthsayer	27 Mar 2002
all is one, isn't this forum incredible? i'm glad i was able to help you in some way. at yahoo, i run a spiritual support group for survivors of abuse whether spiritual, psychological, sexual or physical i truly believe that survivors of abuse have special spiritual needs that aren't met by anything else i can find. that's why i started "soulsurvivorssanctuary" 3 years ago. the women who post there are magnificent and you are welcome to join us there. yahoo has kind of screwed up my clubs and made them groups thru some conversions they've done. the title of the group you want to check out is soulsurvivorssanctuary3. you are more than welcome there just to read or to participate. if you can't figure out how to get there let me know and i'll figure out the addy somehow. you'll have to register w/ yahoo to join i'm sure but it is free. try http://www.yahoo.com you should see something on the home page about yahoo groups. you should be able to find it on the groups page but this groups function is so new i don't know how to work it yet. you and anyone else who finds themselves wandering spiritually is welcome. we don't always talk about spiritual issues but just the comradery, caring, and support is great.

jade	27 Mar 2002
wow, i'm so glad that you were able to work thru this stuff :) this WAS and is the point of the post. cleansing out our lives doesn't only apply to people that are here now................... i'm so glad that my situation, posted here, ended up helping yours. :) love jade

All Is One	30 Mar 2002
Thanks all! I truly hadn't allowed myself to see the need for more work/ support / opening around this very old issue. Truthsayer - I will definitely go to the group at yahoo, I'm impressed by the way you phrased the sentence about the people who have these issues having different spiritual needs than others. I love the fact that you expressed so perfectly what I try so hard not to let myself admit. I have felt "done" with therapy in offices, even truly good therapist's offices, for quite some time. I'm looking forward to seeking out your group at yahoo. Thank you. Alison

lunalafey	30 Mar 2002
A ritual and a saying that has survived through the ages. This thread has come at the perfect time. I'm doing some cleaning myself. My new house is so much more functionable that my stuff has a place to be instead of packed away in a box for years. It is a wonderful feeling. Physical and material cleaning is so important for one's emotional and spiritual tidyness. I am also dealing with that friends thing. I also don't use the word friend lightly. At first I thought I knew what my plan of action was, but then I softened up a bit. Am I being weak ? I decided to re-evaluate my friendships because of one person mostly. But then I thought, is that fair? I ended up putting the people I know into certain levels so to speak. There are those that have never done me wrong, some are close, some not so close. There are those that I am 'tied to' through thick and thin. And then there are those that cause me grief. I have not 'kissed off' any of them, but I'm limiting the amount of energy I put out. Filtering, that's cleaning in a way.

funkpuss	11 Apr 2002
It's the new moon so I'm having a fresh start! FP

zorya	11 Apr 2002
hi all in one. i too dropped out of college. after years of thinking i was fine and tough and strong, i developed ptsd big time. all the emotions from years of child abuse hit at once and i couldn't function. i too cut off my parents completely. i wrote them a letter much like jade spoke of. the reply i got from my mother , unbelievably, blamed me! anyway, i am convinced that some people can suck the light right out of you and need to be let go. it took many many years of healing to spiritually let go. i no longer feel guilty about it. and i have begun to send blessings/prayers to heal their souls and help them "evolve". i still worry though...., was that release permanent. what will i experience when one of them dies? will it all come flooding back again? uh, oh, this is sounding depressing when i meant to send you support, so i'm going to stop now. love and light, zorya

Umbrae	11 Apr 2002
(((((Jade))))) Wowza and thankeee. When I started to read the post I said to my self, “What the hell is she trying to say?” Then I stopped thinking and thought for a bit. I have done the same thing for years. I just do not write a letter, I just drift off. But yeah…Guess a regular life cleaning out is just what I do! Thanks for triggering my thought patterns. Friends? I use the word sparingly. I currently have 3. 4 is my max. A friend is someone you are willing to die with. Ain’t a lot of those, BTW: Great party, thanks for the invite…

jade	11 Apr 2002
"Then I stopped thinking and thought for a bit. " the frightening thing is ...... i totally understood this statement LOL in light, jade

truthsayer	11 Apr 2002
well, after all i said about staying in nursing school, i dropped out monday. please don't feel bad about it. i didn't just give up. the fact i allowed myself to come out of denial and accept reality is a major relief. i don't regret my decision. i do deeply miss the friends i made. my reasons for stopping were multiple but the biggie was the messages my body was giving me. i couldn't sleep due to worrying about school. i started having panic attacks when i tried to study. i have TMJD and started having major jaw muscle spasms. so i took muscle relaxers for pain when i couldn't meditate the pain away then i'd fall asleep. i felt too weak and anemic to push myself. i could barely make it through the 6 hour clinicals at the hospital. i got tired and frustrated with spending so much time in bed recovering when i wasn't in class or studying. what kind of life is that? NONE! i know if i could not make the 6 hour clinicals this spring then i definitely won't survive the 12 hour ones that start this summer and continue to the end of the program. i simply don't have that kind of physical stamina. i loved my classmates dearly but i realized i was only going because i didn't want to discourage them by quitting. i know once i start getting symptoms as stated above my body is saying "NO!" the last time i didn't listen, i lived to deeply regret it. another thing is that i got really tired of the instructors picking on me over personal issues. i will never be honest on a health form again b/c they confronted me about me health problems and from then on never missed a chance to notice a symptom that might be affecting my performance. i thought i had developed a toughness to criticism but i felt like they were hitting me below the belt. i couldn't even iron my stupid uniform to suit them!! i may try again later but i am developing a whole new attitude. i'm going to be more careful about the kind of info they know about me. i'm going to spend the next 6 months working out and taking vitamins to build my blood back up. i'm chronically anemic so i know when my iron is down. so let's rejoice that i know my limitations. i know if i can't take care of myself, i can't take care of anybody else. that's a fact, jack!

jade	12 Apr 2002
i'm soooo happy for you!!! that is soooo wonderful when you make a decision and then act on it. good for you :) *doing a happy dance for you* love jade

zorya	12 Apr 2002
((((((truthsayer)))))) change is scary, maybe this is a lot like the tower card. all the old stuff that you don't need has to crumble, for the new to have room to grow.

All Is One	12 Apr 2002
[quote]Originally posted by zorya hi all in one. i too dropped out of college. after years of thinking i was fine and tough and strong, i developed ptsd big time. all the emotions from years of child abuse hit at once and i couldn't function. i too cut off my parents completely. i wrote them a letter much like jade spoke of. the reply i got from my mother , unbelievably, blamed me! anyway, i am convinced that some people can suck the light right out of you and need to be let go. it took many many years of healing to spiritually let go. i no longer feel guilty about it. and i have begun to send blessings/prayers to heal their souls and help them "evolve". i still worry though...., was that release permanent. what will i experience when one of them dies? will it all come flooding back again? uh, oh, this is sounding depressing when i meant to send you support, so i'm going to stop now. love and light, zorya [/QUOTE Zorya,Umbrae, T-sayer: Thank you for this. I am in awe of you all, (if I understood the underlying ideas in that post-) and I (nor you) are ever alone: and thus, Truthsayer is sharing with us what we need to hear, on the level at which we (us three, and more...) need to hear it. T.S.: Even your chosen name struck that chord in me when I first saw it...the "I feel it in the rotten spot" chord where absolute physical and emotional pain and the deep pains in my past and present ( but less and less in my future) :) :) :) reside. I hurt all over to think of how hard you fought to stay in this Nazi-like atmosphere (never heard of a nursing school like this...it's scary) and of how you stayed to keep from discouraging your fellow students. Will we always value others over ourselves? For me- Don't know. It's better than living as my family does, as Z's family seems to (Zorya: my mother blames me, beat the tar out of me, and is so much more culpable in the whole tragedy than my father, but I try to be protective of "her issues"...i.e.- not to attack her with a huge and ridiculously sharp object) thus I let her denial be hers. . .as my anger is mine, and will slowly dissipate as I heal. All of this spilled out because- T.S.- I firmly heard in your original post the cry of the exhausted and the disillusioned; but you surely will know, when the dust settles, that your disillusionment is with the school and the situation...not with yourself. I hope you see, much sooner than I did after finally dropping out of grad school (and from my family) that your life and the Universe are never out of touch; there are many better places and uses for you and your gifts! Many Congratulations for your brave decision, I hope you feel better soon! Alison

Marion	12 Apr 2002
Dear truthsayer, on reading your post I can only think you made the right decision. The body can send very clear messages, and I think yours was being clear in the end. You sound relieved and fairly happy (with those usual lingering doubts, but, not that many I suspect). I am guessing, from your other posts, that your 'bliss' may be in a people-related helping path, but clearly not nursing. Like All in One, I am truly appalled at the "nazi-like" atmosphere of your nursing school. It sounds hideous. You will find your path dear truthsayer. Take care of yourself for now, and then move on.

Diana	12 Apr 2002
truth: life is too precious to suffer, especially when we have the liberty of stepping back. You were obviously not in the right place, and I'm so glad you're finally listening to yourself. I think actually you have done it just in time, a little further along the road, and you might have become more seriously ill. But I suspect that in time, you will see that you have not wasted your time, but that you have discovered things about yourself that will help you on to paths better suited to your nature. Now please pamper yourself for a while. Give yourself treats. Take long bubble-baths in candlelight, go and get a facial, drink lots of water, sleep a lot, go and buy yourself a brand new outfit for the new season, rest, go to the movies (comedies, preferably), go and watch the kids playing in the park. And don't forget to log on to Aeclectic!

truthsayer	12 Apr 2002
all of you don't know how much your words of support mean to me. even tho i feel like i made the right decision before i became even more seriously ill, i miss interacting with my classmates. i have no doubt the knowledge i've gained from this experience will give me strength on down the road. this is the first time i've ever listened to the signals my body gave me. what's even more interesting is that i now have the flu and feel awful. i went to the doctor this afternoon and i told her about the extreme fatigue i've been experiencing. she wants to run a battery of blood work on me next week after i start feeling better from the flu. she said i was probably anemic but she wanted to check my thyroid, too. i think all this would have been much worse if i hadn't been resting and spoiling myself all week. i have 4 new decks and am having the time of my life reading them!!!!!! being sick is a marvelous reason not to do any housework or cook. laying around playing tarot all day is like a dream come true!!!!!!!! so even tho i feel awful, emotionally i feel great!!!!!!!! :)

funkpuss	12 Apr 2002
{{{{{{{{{{{{LOVE & Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}} TO YOU ALL Funky

jade	12 Apr 2002
ts i am sooo glad that you are putting yourself first. if you don't, who will? love jade (((hugs)))

purplelady	12 Apr 2002
Truthsayer, well , I'm sure you made the right decision , and I hope things go well for you in the future. Either you find a different school or profession Or go back to nursing school at a better time. That's too bad they used your honesty against you , but I know exactly what you mean about that. Sometimes you have to be Really careful about what you reveal, but unfortunately there isn't really a way to know or be warned beforehand.

The cleansing out our lives thread was originally posted on 22 Mar 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.