How do you know when you have found true love?

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 17 Mar 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

funkpuss	17 Mar 2002
I thought I found true love several months ago, it's wasn't the honeymoon period that everyone has in the beginning of the realtionship but I thought this man was the one......then things went drasticly wrong. Everything felt totally right and I was following my gut feelings and not my head. + my partner at the time felt the same. What's your experiences??? funkpuss

jade	17 Mar 2002
many of my past relationships felt like 'true love' it's the "pms, debts, disagreements, childbirth, stress, 'i'm not in the mood', winning the lotto" love that i looked for. the kind that starts with friendship, respect and honesty and builds from there. that's what my hubby and i have. :) in light, jade

aciddragon	17 Mar 2002
I'm about the worst person to reply to this since I've only truely felt in love once. I don't know if there really is "true love". Somedays I would say yes but other you couldn't convince me there is. I used to believe that true love could overcome anything. I hated the day, I was proven wrong. Sorry if I sound negetive on this, but it is one of the thing I've been struggling with and I'm trying to believe in again. So, I guess I'm just clueless. :(

Diana	18 Mar 2002
Love is great, but one has to like the person as well. Because when the original passion dies down, and you see the person not as a mirror of yourself, but as they truly are, the relationship breaks or makes. Either you don't like what you see, or you like it in spite of all the flaws.

jade	18 Mar 2002
ah but diana, we are all mirrors of each other. what we see as a strength in someone is usually a strength, hidden or otherwise in ourselves. what we see as an annoyance is something that we dislike about ourselves. i had a friend that was gossipy......i disliked being around her because she mirrored the part of my past self that i try to 'not be'. whenever i find myself being gossipy...........i try to remove myself from the topic or situation. (although i am far from perfect, but i really hate gossips) so when you find that person you want to share your life with, or a true friend........often you see them as no one else does, because you see them in your own personal mirror. just my opinion, jade

Diana	18 Mar 2002
Jade, I know that's what everyone seems to say, and to a large extent I think it is true and we can learn a lot about ourselves from others. But I do not believe that this this is always true. If I dislike a fascist, racist, skinhead bastard, I do not dislike him because I see any mirror of myself. But because I quite frankly think his values stink. And if I admire and like someone like Nelson Mandela who can forgive his jailors, because as he said "I have no time for hatred, I have a country to build", I don't like him because I see this trait in me, on the contrary, I am not that forgiving. So I beg to disagree while agreeing with you to a large extent.

Kiama	18 Mar 2002
Funkpuss: I once asked my Mum the same thing a couple of years ago. She simply replied that you just 'know' when you've found true love. She added that its that feeling of comfort, honesty, truth, security, true friendship, unconditional love, and the feeling of not being able to see a future without this person.... I agree that a true type of love is built up from honesty, friendship, and security. And I agree that when you've gotten over that non-stop sex part of the relationship, you need a bit more to do, so you need friendship in there too.... My boyfriend is also my best friend. We were introduced outside a cake shop by my friend Luke, and a couple of days later, Luke (Who worked with my boyf at the time) texted me telling me that he thought I was'cute'..... So, I said give him my email addy. He emailed me. It went from there. Its our First Aniversary in 3 days time (On the Spring Equinox! Easy to remember at least!) and I do believe I have found true love. We're over the honey-moon period. We've been through our trals and tribulations (Car accidents, job loss, infidelity, over-work, stress, pregnancy-scare, illness, family worries, failure...) and our reationship has strengthened because of this. Our arguments are hardly ever about something to do with us, cuz we mostly argue a point, which we disagree on, usually something philosophical! (Okay, so we're a weird couple, but it works for us!) Whilst these arguments have been heated in the past, thy have never effected us personally, or offended us. And we always make up very quickly. For some reason, I just can't stay mad at him for long! We both truly believe we have found true love. I know I'm young, and thus, many people may be sceptical about finding true love at this age. Maybe I am wrong, but I seriously doubt it... And one thing's for sure, even if it isn't true love: This past year has been the best damn year of my life! Kiama

jade	18 Mar 2002
diana, i was referring to people that are in our lives as in our personal lives. i am assuming that you don't have any friends that are skin heads.......and you haven't gone for coffee with nelson LOL in light, jade :) ps and yes, i agree with you.......it's a hard concept to have regarding everyone in the world....hence that's why it's just people in your circle :)

Diana	18 Mar 2002
Your assumptions about my friends are correct LOL. I just got carried away a little too fast and went off in a wrong direction.

Pollux	18 Mar 2002
Well, maybe with regards to some replies I posted a while ago (jade and Kiama might remember... :) ) I am in no position to have a reply posted here as well... However I believe true love does exist, and if our first attempts are not positive altogether, it is because we must learn what we want, firstly, and, secondly, how to look for it and discover it in people around us. As for the question of the topic, I can't but echo Kiama's mother motto, as that was my experience... and worked probably EXCEEDINGLY well for me. LOL! Maybe this applies to me bacause I know myself very well... but with practice everyone can learn this too! :)

fairyhedgehog	18 Mar 2002
I suppose it depends what you mean by true love. I think my truest love is for my sons. I seem to love them come what may, and I have done since I first set eyes on each of them. No, I loved them even /before/ they were born. I have been passionately 'in love' but that can happen with the most unsuitable people. So it doesn't seem to be the most important thing. My husband and I took 2 years to decide to get together. We never had that 'I knew the moment I saw him/her' moment that other couples around us seemed to have. We were just friends. But he is a good bloke and we're still married now after 23 years. We've had lots of ups and downs and times when I felt like walking out but I didn't. Is that true love? Maybe it's 'true love' that makes him put up with me ;) Sorry for my meanderings. I suppose I put my head before my heart to some extent. But it seems to work for me. All the best,

jade	18 Mar 2002
fairyhedgehog, you and i have that in common. i've had so many relationships where love/passion was soooo important. when i met my hubby it wasn't like that.....although, he fell in love with me and said that he wanted to marry me the first time he saw me (everybody......aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh) but we were just friends. i knew he had the hots for me but i never wanted to be with him. he wasn't my 'type'. then one day i realized that he was always the one who was there, no matter what. if i needed someone, there he was........so one night i asked him "why do you want to have a relationship with me".......we spent the next 6 hours driving around convincing each other that a sexual relationship would ruin the one we had and we didn't want that. the next morning, i called him and said, "it's too late" he said, "yup, wanna go for coffee". LOL and the rest is history LOL i'm not head over heels crazy in love with him..........but i do love him deeply, i respect him greatly and i cherish his presence in my life. i don't want to live my life without him cause he's definitely my best friend. i love spending time with him and my/our children love him dearly. he's a great dad and husband. so as for true love........i don't think he's my soul-mate or true love.......but i think he's the right man for the job of husband for me LOL in light, jade ps as for soul-mate i think my eldest daughter is mine. i have a connection with her that i've never had with anyone else, ever, in my life. i love all my kids - but her and i are special. :)

amyel	18 Mar 2002
Well, funkpuss, I spent a long time "looking fer love in all the wrong places" and spent a few years all by my lonesome, too. I do believe that you know when it's right. I also believe that we go through the trials & tribulations of love that we need to in order to be able to accept "the real thing" and that it will come to us when we are ready. I think both your head & your "gut" has to be engaged in a relationship. As the other posters have pointed out, after the initial thrill of being with someone new wears off, what's left? If you really like the person you are with, then it settles into a deeper commitment, a deeper love. And if it doesn't, well, then you move on. The problem usually is, though, that we *think* we are ready and find we really aren't. Hubs & I sometimes talk about what would have happened if we had met, say 10 years ago instead of 5. I don't know about him, but I would not have been ready to accept his love 10 years ago. Not because he is not a great guy, but because the truth of the matter is, I had to walk the road I did in order to be able to see the gifts he has brought to our relationship. We met one night when he was working in a bar some colleagues & I were at (after work, might I add..LOL). I turned and saw him for the forst time and a...well, it was like I was hit by a lightening bolt. I was dating alot at the time (nothing sexual) and dropped those other men like a hot potato after our first "official" date. We've been together ever since. It is understandable after a rough ending to a relationship you were so excited about to question if you will ever find the right person. I can't answer that question for you. But I like to think it will happen. But what if it doesn't, funkpuss? Surely you have gifts to give others: your friendship, your compassion, your humor, your Tarot. My point is, spend a little time nuturing YOU for a bit. Give yourself the love you need right now. You are special and unique and deserving. And if you've forgotten that, may I humbly and honestly suggest you focus on yourself for now. It's not selfish. It's nurturing. You've been through a difficult few years. Be gentle on yourself, FP.

jade	18 Mar 2002
excellent point! i know that i spent many many years alone, working on myself. gaining spirituality, healing my past........becoming functional rather than disfunctional and then.............i was ready to appreciate my hubby. if i had met him years ago......i wouldn't have looked at him twice...........two boring and stable for me back then.

truthsayer	19 Mar 2002
i found true love when i got over the idea of kissing the frog prince or prince charming on his white horse gathering me in his arms and riding into the sunset. i also had to get over this overly romanticized idea of "living happily every after". i used to think true love was like cinderalla or snow white. what a shock when i found that wasn't true!! in the real world there isn't a perfect life. there's only imperfect ppl who are trying to find a way to meet hearts and minds. my husband was like yours, jade, and smitten the moment he saw me. i wasn't convinced as easily but i eventually relaxed my cynacism. he is a good solid friend. we've been thru hell and back w/ each other and lived to tell the tale. that's true love imho. i think the most important factor in the success of our relationship is our communication and willingness to adapt and accept each others changes. if we couldn't grow and change w/o threatening each other then i don't think we could survive as a couple. i don't believe knowing true love is something you just know in your gut. i'm just too cynical of romanticism to accept that. yes, i am a romantic pisces w/ venus in pisces but my venus tends to be more altruistic romantic rather than it working in my personal life. if you've ever been hurt in romantic relationships, i strongly believe in giving yourself a vacation from the dating scene. nothing can bust your self esteem like a relationship gone bad. spending time nurturing, healing and loving yourself is so important. it's when you stop looking for love that you are most open to find love.

Butterfly	19 Mar 2002
It's funny, I always thought that love was like in the movies- all exciting and passionate. I know now that it's not even close- it's not always exciting and passionate but it's so much more.... How do I know that it's real love (as opposed to the Hollywood true love).... I feel his pain, sometimes more than my own. I look forward to doing the really mundane routine things together. I enjoy giving love and kindness more than to receiving it (the true value of love?). He is there for me through the good and bad. Just being in each others thoughts and auras is completely healing. I feel comfortable to be compltely who I am in front of him- I have no need to hide. Sometimes I look at him and my heart chakra literally flows- I feel a physical warmth and energy just glowing from my heart- this to me is a huge sign, something I couldn't fake or mistake- it's intense. This is often just looking at him while he drives us, or watching him play with our daughter. We've been together for over six years. The honeymoon period is way over, circumstances saw to that, but what we experience together is so much more healing, satisfying, nurturing. I couldn't imagine facing life without him. I make sure to spend at least a week away from him every few months so that I can evaluate the relationship- make sure it's still meeting my needs. I think this is the healthiest thing we do. Ahhh, but look at me- like a lovelorn teenager. Howmy thoughts can meander......

funkpuss	19 Mar 2002
Thanks amyel and others for you advice But I never went out looking for love in the first place as I was quite happy on my own for a few years. Then some girl at work introduced us but she didn’t really want any thing to happen as they had a relationship before with my ex-boyfriend and I wasn’t told the full truth by my ex-boyfriend+ I found out a lot of things that he didn’t tell me from others,(but he still doesn’t think I know) But hay!! Life goes on. I just need good supportive friends around like you guys around me, but it’s sooooo difficult meeting people in London that’s why I want to travel, you meet so many people that way. My view is that you’ve got to love your self before you can love anyone else and if your looking for love you will never find it , it’s just happens when you least expect . So I’ve just got to keep pampering myself ! Kiama I give you and your partner a lot of credit! When my sister in-law saw my brother for the first time she said to her friend I’m going to marry that man. They went though very heavy ups and down but due to my brothers illness they are not married but they are still together and that’s over 17 years! FP

amyel	19 Mar 2002
Well, hey, you're halfway there! Respect yourself, love you for who you are...don't beat yourself up for not seeing who your ex really was. Many, many years ago I was raped by someone I worked with. My dr. told me, "look, losers don't go around with a big sign on their foreheads. Heal yourself, don't hurt yourself. There's nothing you could have done." And I do think the same thing can apply here, for you, FP. You loved. You trusted. HE wasn't worthy of your trust & love - not you. Keep your chin up. London is a big city - but you will find nurturing people, and there's always us. :)

tempestfire	20 Mar 2002
I definately believe in true love. I too often tried to create that with whoever I was with. Tried changing who/ what I was to be more pleasing to them. I ended up getting married for the wrong reasons. (Which I am still paying dearly for that mistake). I have found someone who I believe to be my one true love. My Soul mate. We met each other at a time when both of us were dead set against getting involved with anyone. He was moving away. It was basically pointless to really even try to develop a friendship (distance thing). But- something inside me kept pushing me to keep in contact. We became great friends- and were both afraid to get involved for fear of getting hurt. I keep waiting for the 'honeymoon' stage to pass. But it hasn't. We are one of those completely lovey- sappy couples- that make you want to gag b/c they are just too cutesy! (I never would have pictured myself to ever be that way). It doesn't seem to matter how much time we spend together- the minute we are apart- it is like having half of you (the good part of you) ripped away. We have so much in common, and actually understand each other- without a lot of lengthy explainations. It is the most amazing thing in the world. I think we have to go through all the crappy heartbreaking stuff- just so we can fully appreciate love when we do find it. Never before have I been with anyone that felt as deeply for me as I did for them- until now. I see it in his eyes everytime I look at him. (It melts my heart each time). I admit to having a lot of baggage/ trust issues to work out- but when he tells me that he will never hurt me- I actually believe it. (It would kill him - if he thought he was the cause of any pain for me). So, after that lengthy oration- all I really have to say- is that true love is there. And I still firmly believe that love can conquer all things. Just don't put blinders on and tell yourself that this is the best you can do. ( I did that for too long). Sure- it takes a lot of give and take on both sides. But- it doesn't feel like you are really giving up anything- because you both understand and want each other to be happy. To have someone in you life - that is more concerned for your happiness - is an amazing thing. There's my 2cents worth-

Rhiannon	25 Mar 2002
jade and truthsayer: I love you. And that's TRUE. You guys always say exactly what I'm thinking. I'm just never going to talk again and you guys can do it all for me... Now we all know that that's a BIG FAT LIE! I love the sound of my own voice too much for that! LOL :D Rhiannon :)

The How do you know when you have found true love? thread was originally posted on 17 Mar 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.