~ Dog's Diary / Cat's Diary

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 25 Apr 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

kayne	25 Apr 2002
I got foward this and thought it was pretty funny... :D Now, perhaps someone can write the diary of a goldfish, hermit crab, mouse or pet tarantula... etc EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE! 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE! 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE! 1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

fairyhedgehog	25 Apr 2002
These are great :) I must post them to another list and share the fun. All the best, FH

catlin	25 Apr 2002
That is the final proof that cats' IQ is superior to dogs! This evening I'll check in my flat if I can find the diaries of my cats. I'd love to know what comments they made about having them neutered (oh, I'm a naughty girl)

catlin	25 Apr 2002
We won't get a snake's journal. I don't think a snake is able to do her writing with a forked tongue.

Kissa	25 Apr 2002
feels sooo real ... DH was not so delighted when he finally found out why one of our cat is weaving around his feet EVERY SINGLE MORNING when he just gets out of bed .... I personnally always had such a suspicion ;) Kissa (which, once again, means "cat" in finnish ;) )

Mystick Dragon	25 Apr 2002
That's just great. I love it, but I think that my dog's diary would be alittle more intelligent because she's a smart dog. --Dragon

Diana	25 Apr 2002
This is very very funny. Thanks Kayne. My cat prefers bringing us live mice. The mouse inevitably runs and hides under the fridge or in places highly inaccessible. And then the cat thinks we're enjoying playing with the mouse as much as he does, and gets all excited when we start moving the fridge and rushing around like mad trying to catch it before he does. "Oh goody, they want to play with the mouse too. Aren't I a nice cat to bring such fun into their lives", he seems to say.

joya250	25 Apr 2002
ROFL. Kayne, that's great! haha. I have one "smart" cat and one "not so smart" cat... I'm chuckling imagining the difference in their diaries. :)

truthsayer	25 Apr 2002
i think the dog in this piece can't possibly be as lazy as mine is. he lives to sleep on the couch, eat cat food, and snatch a "treat" from the litter box. if he goes outside, w/in 5 minutes he is begging to come in w/ the most high pitched whine i've ever heard!!! it doesn't matter is it's a nice warm sunny day, rainy or cold. same response. he does enjoy taking us for a walk. by the time our mutilated bodies return from said walk, we always swear we'll never take him again but we always soften up. it does make him happy. i love the piece about the cat. i've got a couple funny peices about cats. most involve how to give a cat a bath or how to give a cat medicine. i can drag them up to post if anyone's interested. my fav has to be how to give a cat a pill. whoever wrote it had to of done it b/c there's no way someone who's never medicated a cat could adequately describe it. why would my cats want to escape when they've got a willing slave? they've got me so trained that i know what they want from the tone of their voice. i tell ppl i speak "catanese" as a second language. most ppl look at me like i'm strange or something. maybe i spend way too much time alone w/ the cats! LOL ;)

catlin	26 Apr 2002
Hi truth, Ok, next time I'll tell ppl that I have catanese as my 5th language (guess most will take it for some Asian idiom).

Kiama	26 Apr 2002
Y'know, The Mabs has suddenly taken on a whole new light! 'The Mabs' is my boyfriend's cat, and our relationship has always been very tenuous, mainly cuz I took her place! ;) But we have managed to work things out, and now she's okay... But boy does she want attention! Anyway, this morning she was sitting on the side of the bath watching me wash, and I suddenly remembered this thread... And was unbelievably paranoid! O! What horrors awaited me when I got out of the bath, I wondered... What nastiness had she concocted in a devilish plot to once more reside at her master's side, in her rightful place...? The soul shudders to think.... Kiama ;) :p

kayne	26 Apr 2002
Kiama: Do you think the Mabs would be able to carry a hair drier? Perhaps she should stay out of the bathroom in future! (I think mouse heads in strange places might be a hint to beware...)

Kiama	26 Apr 2002
I could swear she is trying to get me hurt! She always sits in the places where I am most likely to tread on her... And thus I jump about a metre into the air, usually land hard against the wall, and my heart races ten to the dozen... Either she wants to cause a heart attack, or she wants me to break a bone or something... Kiama

Kissa	26 Apr 2002
Quote: Originally posted by Diana then the cat thinks we're enjoying playing with the mouse as much as he does, and gets all excited when we start moving the fridge and rushing around like mad trying to catch it before he does. "Oh goody, they want to play with the mouse too. Aren't I a nice cat to bring such fun into their lives", he seems to say. Diana, I am sure your cat is deeply worried to see you spending your time on watching at these weird pieces of colourful cardboard you have with you ALL THE TIME. And she wants to give you some physical exercise because she is concerned about your health, you know, you are not getting any younger ;) (I wouldn't dare that one with anybody but I know you are cool and can take a joke. As for me (not any younger) I have our 2 years old daughter as a physical coach ....) Kissa

Diana	26 Apr 2002
Kissa: are you trying to tell me that if I get out my running shoes again, my cat will only bring in mice with their heads lopped off? I'm not sure the alternative is very appealing *LOL* But you're right! I haven't been to the gym for six months now! And when I log off from Aeclectic I'm going to phone them and renew my subscription (maybe!) (after I've looked at my new Victoria Regina deck that the postman brought yesterday!) Kiama: Mabs is probably getting in your way all the time 'cos you got in her way when you met your boyf. Have you had a good chat to her and told her that she's a cat, you're a human, and that therefore neither of you can take each other's places, 'cos you're so different. I'm serious. I think a good talk might help. Your boyf. should tell her that too. When you've finished, ask her if she understands. If she has, she'll close her eyes to say yes. If she doesn't close them, it'll mean no. If they only sort of half close, you've got your point across but she doesn't really agree.

Kiama	26 Apr 2002
Quote: Originally posted by Diana . When you've finished, ask her if she understands. If she has, she'll close her eyes to say yes. If she doesn't close them, it'll mean no. If they only sort of half close, you've got your point across but she doesn't really agree. Mabs does this all the time! You'll talk to her, and she'll close her eyes or not. More often than not, she'll half-close them! Its funny, cuz me and the boyf always used to have play-arguments over the Mabs, trying to work out who she loved the most! It was very funny to see her reactions! I think cats are so great... They seem almost human when they look at you, and at times very childlike when they are curious... Kiama

catlin	30 Apr 2002
Hi Kiama, Beware of Mabs. Just remember the cat in one of P. Highsmith's short stories. That cat was called Ming and s/he was able to kill a man. :D :D :D

Kiama	30 Apr 2002
Thankyou Catlin, that made me feel so much better... :( ;) Kiama

The ~ Dog's Diary / Cat's Diary thread was originally posted on 25 Apr 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.