Friendship

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 21 Apr 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

aciddragon	21 Apr 2002
I'm starting to think that I have a unrealistic set of standards for people in my life. Let me explain. I have this friend who tells me she'll call me back then she won't or she'll tell me she'll be online to chat and won't be. We was suppose to go down to a store a few Sundays ago and she was a no show. We was suppose to go to somewhere today, but I already know we not. (I'm I asking too much here?!? Is it too much to ask that if you tell someone you'll do something that they do it or at least call you and say they won't be able to make it beforehand?!?) (oh and the answer I get from everyone is no..but then they do the same thing too) I've been thinking about write/talking with her about it, but I don't want to just fly off the handle. She's hurt my feeling by just blowing me off...that's how I see what's she's doing. I don't think that's how she see it thou. I enjoy our friendship and we get along when we are together, but it just seem like it's only at her convenience. I said something a week or so ago about how it seem like she only calls or comes over to my apt when she needs something. She didn't think so, but it's true every single time she's call me it's been for something and not just to say hey what's up. I'm starting to feel total beside myself on this. I've been like depressed about this for the past week. I can't help but feel like that I'm living by some ungodly set of standards. It's not like I don't bend overbackwards to help others. Sigh...maybe I should change the subject just to hopeless. Sorry but I'm just totally discouraged. To top it off she tell me I'm one of her best friends...I hear the words but don't see the actions that tell me this... :(

funkpuss	21 Apr 2002
Tell me about it Vampires that's what they are!!! I was just e-mailing a friend this morning about the same thing. I had to cut off my own twin sister a couple of months ago as she just takes and takes and anytime I need her help she pretends that she is always there for me but the fact is that she is so rapped up in her own life to care about mine. I will still send her the odd birthday and Christmas card but that’s it. Also another hard decision I had to make was not to bother with my friend that I’ve known for 9 years now, she is a good friend but her partner always has the last say as to weather we meet up or not + she’s totally unreliable. I always go out of my way for her and the other day she let me down again and I just thought STOP!!!! I’ve had enough of this. I don’t even feel that I owe her any reasons not to contact her any more because she already knows. But what I think I will do just to put closer to that issue is send her a card saying that I see her as a good person but I can’t keep changing my plains because she can’t find the strength within her self to go along with them with out her boyfriend having the last word.I can’t allow myself to keep making excuses for people that make me feel unhappy and resentful. This is my time to heal and grow and I’m not going to feel guilty about it when people always knows that I’m there all the time. This time is for me, myself and I. I’ve sure learnt a few lessons along the way and you shouldn't have to wait until your friend really bleeds you dry. Friendhip is a TWO way thing. As from today I don't have time for anyone who doesn't have time for me. It's nothing to do with giving or receiving it's principle!!!!!! Friends are always there when you need them if they are not CUT them off!!! You could be spending time eating s**t!! Don’t let people take advantage of you, even if they may not think so. Funky

amyel	21 Apr 2002
I don't think you are unrealistic - not completely. I mean, sometimes, things happen and we can't make it. If you are good enough friends, you can trust that the other friend will understand. But this friend of yours sounds very rude. I had a friend like that before. *Had* being the operative word, here. She'd tell you to call, then disappear. You'd call, leave a message - and she'd call from some phone booth somewhere (she was a flight attendent, so she often picked up shifts on the fly - Dooo! no pun intended) giving you the third degree about why you didn't call! You'd try to explain that you did call and left a message and she'd basically accuse you of lying because "she had checked for messages"....finally, I just stopped even leaving messages, and when she "confronted" me about "not calling her anymore" I told her there was no point, as she didn't believe me when I did and was always taking off when we had plans. I told her if she wanted to remain friends with me, she'd have to put more effort in it. She did, kinda, for awhile. I moved away, she's called once - and I confess, I haven't tried to contact her at all. And ya know - I *don't* feel guilty about it. P.S. Funky - I just remembered she now has shoulder length blonde hair.....! Maybe she's the one you were picking up on!

suzyspellbound	21 Apr 2002
You aren't the unreasonable one, I totally agree. I call them 'Fair Weather Friends' but its more like the other way, when they are bore/ at a loose end/ need something! It gave me low self esteem for a long time as I felt people didn't want me, then I thought "No im not going to be trampled on anymore!" and I started to fight back by just using people in the same way! I ended up really hurting some people and now I just keep a few close special friends and other people are just aquaintences. Also I beat myself up for ditching friends a bit when a man comes along, and they would say "Boyfriends come and go but friends are forever" I completly disagree and its the only phylosophy I have and stick by that Friends come and go , but love is here to stay.

Kaz	21 Apr 2002
you have friends and you have people you know=aquintances (sp). there is a huge difference....... friends are those ppl that are there for you no matter what, and they are unconditional. you usually don't have many of these. all the others are acquintances (sp)..... kaz

joya250	21 Apr 2002
aw, aciddragon, don't let this girl get you down! you are not being too discriminating here -- REAL friends would not do the sort of things that you say this chick is doing. friends make you feel GOOD about yourself... and true friends are extremely rare!!! if after you talk to her about how you feel, she still continues with her selfish behavior... you might as well just end the relationship. who needs someone like that? xo, joy

aciddragon	21 Apr 2002
Thanks. It just starts to make me question myself. I try to be understanding and not jump to conclusions before I know the facts. (try..Don't always work but..I'm only human) Plus there is only so many times that, I was busy or forgot or ect..works with me. Then I start seeing the patterns to the way someone acts then it's hard not to feel hurt or slighted. It actually makes me wonder if I'm just a crappy friend myself or not worth the effort even thou everyone say I'm a nice person. I'm to the point I hate hearing that...Oh your such a nice guy. Nice...You know what nice gets you...A broken heart. Hmm Sorry kind of a sore spot. I wrote her an email today explaining how I felt, so I'll see what happens. Thanks again for your support. :confused:

funkpuss	22 Apr 2002
Hi AcidDragon, That's good that you had made contact with your friend, I can't wait to see what happens next, as to as to weather the person says sorry. The so- called friend who let me down the other day e-mailed me today, just pretending as if nothing happened but she knows that she has Pi**ed me off. I think I will leave it a couple of days then reply to her in a plolite way, telling her that, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I have to cut her off as she will never change and it's not as if I'm the only friend she does this to, so she is quite aware. She is also one of those people who can't say no, but that's no excuse. To say no is better than to keep someone waiting. Anyway I hope your issue with your friend is resloved soon. Funky

Jenny-Li	23 Apr 2002
Bad friendship is probably THE one thing I can think of that can put you down the most, make you doubt yourself the most, make you feel like the most useless, un-loved and miserable little creature on the planet. But it's not like that. Normal, decent people have this stupid idea of always blaming themselves everytime plain BAD people do nasty things to them. So your friend stood you up? Well of course it's your own fault, for being such a boring friend to start with... So my husband beat me up, yes but it wasn't his fault, I actually did burn his supper... (NOTE: fictious example!) So your boss had you working round the clock and then gave the promotion to someone else? Well, I guess you just didn't work hard enough to deserve the promotion, right? WHY do we do this to ourselves??? I'm having a friend sort of like that right now, and she's been that way ALWAYS - it's just that I haven't seen it until now, when I've just had it up to here *nose-high* with it. So NOW I realize she's taken me for granted for years. And so I guess I am partly to blame, because I've let her get away with it. But that doesn't mean I have to put up with it from now on. I have an other friend who left me standing outside a coffee shop waiting for her, she didn't call and didn't answer any of my 8 phone calls during the freezing 45 minutes I stood there. The day after I found out she had been in a taxi rushing for an emergency visit to the dentist, because of a tooth that was so painful it had to be removed immediately. As Amyel pointed out, things do happen, and we have to accept that. But being taken for granted and treated like a nobody is completely different, and noone should have to put up with it. I'm sure you can tell the difference between the two, don't let yourself be taken advantage of! You're worth better than that! Good on you for telling how how you feel, that's a step in the right direction. If it's all just a misunderstanding, now is the time to sort it out, and if not - then now is the time for you to stand up for yourself! Light and love, Jenny :)

Mystick Dragon	23 Apr 2002
I had afirend for four years, but I've finally said no more. She would always take me for a chump. She'd tell me something, and I would believe it, then find out it was a joke. She's self-centered. I can't tell her anything, cause she tells her mom, my mom, and her friends. I HATE that. I've told her some stuff that WAS SUPPOSED TO REMAIN BETWEEN US ALONE and she went and told her church, and her mom. When a good friend's cat was hit and killed by a truck, I was alone with helping her because the bad one wouldn't get off line to help her because "I had homework to do online, and my mom wouldn't let me get on after nine." I was REALLY pissed, and so was the friend who lost the cat. The day after I got my new dog, she was over, even though my mom said that she WASN"T allowed untill the dog settled. She bullied her way into friendships that I wanted, and she always had to be the center of attention... Must I go on? --Dragon

teenagegirl	23 Apr 2002
I can relate. I just lost my two closest friends. one of them, I found out is a liar and has been lying to me for along time, and the other just betrayed me because she was too scared to stand up for what she believed in or because she's not independent. I don't know, but some people say that if you dont let anyone get close to you then you dont run the risk of getting hurt, I sometimes agree with that but everyone needs someone close to them. its hard you know?

truthsayer	23 Apr 2002
i had a friend i completely trusted for about 8 or 9 years until 3 years ago. i thought we had a good give and take relationship. she was my witness at my wedding. she became seriouly ill and began cutting off acquaintances that she said was pulling her down. since she was sick i went out of my way to help her even tho i was having problems, too. i put her ahead of myself. then i had a really bad day and i needed some comforting. i asked if i could come over and spend the night. she practically bit me head off. in 9 years she had never spoken to me like this before! i was completely stunned. i didn't call her back and hoped i would hear from her. nothing. i saw her in a public place one day and she acted like nothing was wrong. she never called me back. the first year or so i was consumed w/ guilt that i had to of done something to deserve that kind of treatment. if a friend had called me on a bad day, i would have called her back to apologize unless i was waiting for an excuse to cut the relationship off anyhow. so after 3 years, i have finally healed to the point that if she were to call me now i wouldn't resume the friendship. i wouldn't be rude but i would be suspicious. there was a time i would have forgiven her anything but now i care more about protecting myself from ppl who don't really care about me. i deserve being in a circle of ppl who really care about me. right now i don't have a person in my life i can tell anything to. it's not for lack of trying either. i am much more cautious in developing friendships than i once was. the pain of losing of friend who has been that close is as bad if not worse than losing someone to death. i still don't know why she did what she did but it doesn't matter anymore. i can look back and see some signs now but at the time i was too close to the situation to see. i have learned from this experience and can tell more accurately whether someone is really interested in being a friend or using me. i think now that she was using me. i thought we would be friends for the rest of our lives. oh, well. i guess my mother is the only person i come close to totally being myself with. my husband is next. i do have lots of acquaintances now which i didn't 3 years ago. i feel like i have more of a support system but nothing beats that sense of emotional intimacy when you feel safe to talk about how you really think about things. what goes on inside the minds of others is truly a mystery. you never can tell what the truth really is.

aciddragon	23 Apr 2002
Hey. Thanks all for the support. Jenny your right about always blaming yourself... I do it all the time. This last week everyday I got home I was totally drained of energy. Yesterday, I finally got to talk with my friend. We talked for about 4 hrs. It was like a weight was lifted off me. I feel soooo much better today. I think we got things squared away. She made me some promises and in my heart I believe her so we'll see. I'm really got a positive feeling towards the friendship. X my fingers. I try not to hope too much but it's already too late for that. :) Thanks everyone for helping me keep my chin up and let me know that I'm really not an unreasonable person. Now it's time to see how the cards fall...

The Friendship thread was originally posted on 21 Apr 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.