~ About "Ex's"

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 30 May 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

kayne	30 May 2002
Hey Aeclecticans... I have a general, self imposed policy that when I break up with someone that I am in a relationship with, I never have anything to do with them again... Since I have not really had any serious, long term relationships, this has always been a good thing... However, an "Ex" that I had a short but emotional (for me anyway...) relationship with, recently contacted me via email. I have not spoken to hime in over a year and I am kinda' interested to find out how he is... Hmmm... Ok... now to the questions... Are you the sort of person that can easily stay friends with your "Ex" and/or occassionally go back to them... or do you prefer to have nothing more to do with them? What do you think I should do?

lunalafey	30 May 2002
I'm the kind that stays friends afterwards right from the start, unless I was disrespected. Depending upon what caused the brake-up, determined if I gave it another chance or not. That was in my younger days, prob. about your age actually. There is alot to learn from new experiences. Check it out.

aeonx	30 May 2002
Hi kayne. :) I'm very good friends with almost all my x's. My other friends have never understood how I'm able to 1) Keep in touch with them 2) Be so close, and have such a wonderful relationship with them. I'm not sure either. :D The funny thing is, when they are feeling down or are having girl-trouble, they always come to me for comfort. However, I'm not in a relationship with the same person twice. This has never happened, and I don't think it will either. I sort of believe that if you can't stick together the first time, why is it going to be so much better the next one? Hm. It's rather that we end up in bed together after it's over.... ;) kayne, if you are interested in finding out how he is now, I say go for it! What do you have to lose? If it's nothing there, just move on. Then you know at least. If you choose not to contact him back, you'll maybe go think of what if a long time afterwards. Hm. What about a spread on this one? :D ~aeonx~

wavebreaker	30 May 2002
Up until now I've never been able to stay friends with my ex's for the simple reason that they were very disrespectful towards me. Going back to them is definitely out of the question!! ;) As for what you should do kayne: I always find it very difficult to tell others what to do... I'd say: follow your feelings, your intuition. If it feels right for you, why not? You could start by replying to his email and see how that goes, and how it feels for you.

Faerie Lin	30 May 2002
I never stayed friends with any of my ex's. Was too busy moving on lol. Lin

Jenny-Li	30 May 2002
I'd say it depends on the relationship, what you shared, what kind of feelings that relation gives you afterwards. I mean if you're pissed off when you part, then it might be a good idea to stay away from each other, but if you part because you just fall out of love, and end up feeling for each other like friends, then why would that have to end just because you end the romance-part? Personally I've done pretty much what you have, turned around, walked away, never looking back. But that is not a rule for me, I've just only had that kind of relations that have ended badly. If something should happen to end the relation I'm in now (Heaven forbid...!), I don't think either one of us could face living without eachother completely, we'd keep contact, I'm sure.) If you feel OK with taking up this contact again, if you're interested in how the guy is etc, then why not? If it feels right to do it you should, whether that's how you've usually done or not...! Good luck! Light and love, Jenny :)

Rhiannon	30 May 2002
There is only one ex that I really don't want to ever speak to again. And believe me, there are very good reasons! All my other ex's I would still rush up and hug if I saw them again. Some of us parted on bad terms, but we were friends again after time for the wounds to heal and apologies were accepted. Like aeonx, they would often call me for advice or just to chat. But there were only 2 I ended up in bed with after the break up... that may lead you to ask "Well, how may WERE there?" To which I will only reply... "Nunya!" LOL :D Rhiannon :)

Diana	30 May 2002
One can't make rules about this kind of thing. Live and let live - take things as they come. Go by your heart. Listen to your intuition. Take is easy, mate!!

Sam	30 May 2002
i dunno, i think he's interested in you again....;)

Kiama	30 May 2002
I think that as long as you are 'over him' in the romantic way (If you do wanna be over him, that is! :P), and as long as the break-up wasn't nasty and messy, it might be good for you to get in touch ith him again... Its always nice to ave friends, esp ones you have been throgh everything with, up to the point of rmantic relationship! If you've been there ith a friend, and that friend/ex has bothered to get back in touch with you, then that's something good and seriously worth conidering... That could be a friendhip that survives any challenge. Kiama

destinyawaitsme	30 May 2002
My philosophy: S**T or get off the pot! (pardon the language) I figure that if it wasn't meant to be...or if it isn't working out. Just let it go. Who needs him? Who wants him? (Tried to be friends with an ex for two years...I learned my lesson) The problem is: a lot of people want to keep around their ex's because the feelings are still there. They want another chance. Granted not everyone is like this, but it's damn hard to explain to the new boyfriend that the old boyfriend is just a friend. Phew! I'm done...had to get that off my chest. :)

kayne	31 May 2002
Hmmm... I replied to the email... But just from a "Hey, how are you, long time - no see" type perspective... We'll see what happens... Thanks all of you for your wonderful insight! So many of my friends have had such messy and confusing ends to their relationships after 'staying friends' it puts me off...

phirefly	31 May 2002
this is a tough question for me right now... one ex in particular has been on my mind a -[lot]- lately. i don't know why. i just wish i could get in touch with him. and of all my past relationships, i think that one hurt me worst, and i didn't think i'd ever want anything to do with him ever again. as a general answer, i think it depends on the person and the extent of the relationship. there will always be breaking and bending of self-imposed rules; don't worry about that. if you don't feel comfortable talking with him again, though... well, don't. [ack! for a moment there my stereo clock and cursor were blinking in synch.] i only ever really had one relationship where i was able to maintain a good friendship afterwards. we've lost touch now, but i still wonder about him, as he never had the easiest life and last i heard he was practically anorexic. but i've never been a good friend in general. i'm pretty lazy about keeping in touch with people, and i think i tend to be attracted to people who are much the same. we're loner-types. that makes me sound all dark and brooding. *giggle* but now i'm just rambling. i don't remember quite what i wanted to say when i hit reply because my brother interrupted me to tell me that if no one hears from him by midnight, we should worry. (he's going on a very long bike ride all by himself.) *finds her train of thought again* so, yeh, i'm also very non-romantic about love and don't believe there is that magical "one" out there for everyone. sometimes relationships will work in one capacity and not another. the problem with that, though, is that it is a lot easier to go from friend to lover than from lover to friend. but i admire those who can manage it. personally, i find it a lot easier to just move on. but then, most of my relationships have ended out of boredom (on both parts usually) more than anything else. my husband keeps in touch regularly with a former long-term girlfriend of his. i think that's cool. she kind of irks me a bit with the cold aura she seems to radiate, but i think it's good that they can still be friends. i think i need some food.

Zhritza	01 Jun 2002
For me it depends on how serious the relationship was. The more serious it was, the less able we seem to be to stay friends. That seems paradoxical, because I know those few people more thoroughly than the ones I dated more casually, so I should have a greater familiarity and comfort with the ones I dated seriously, right? Currently I'm trying to have an amiable email connection with my most recent ex, with whom I had by far the most serious and intense relationship of my life so far. And it's just not working. Talking with him is like pulling teeth. Of course, that might have to do with the fact that his life is very intertwined with that of his current girlfriend, who he fell madly in love with just a few months after he was in love with me, and who is much more feminine and sweet and unargumentative than I was (shes no doormat, she just shows power in stereotypically "female" ways). Part of why the relationship ended is that, contrary to what I initially perceived about him, he turned out to be a profoundly traditional person, and I'm not, at all. But the "friendship" also doesn't work because I can't seem to reframe him in my mind as a "friend." As soon as I met him, I was very interested in him romantically, and when we started dating, it all moved very fast. So that's the way I got to know him, but that situation is over, and now I feel like I don't know him at all. He's a truly wonderful person in many ways and in that sense I don't want him to be gone from my life. On the other hand, talking with him is not enjoyable. So I'm torn...

The ~ About "Ex's" thread was originally posted on 30 May 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.