Too close for comfort

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 28 May 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

raeanne	28 May 2002
Hi all, I will have a part time helper at work this summer. I know the person and I like her with one exception. She get way too close! Everyone has an invisible barrier that defines their comfort zone. For most people, that barrier will be the farthest away for strangers, closer in for acquaintances, even closer in for friends, while family and loved ones can get the closest. Not this woman! She would be right up touching and hugging everyone if she could! I am not comfortable with people getting too close. I have worked with this woman before and I have tried to talk about this subject and she just doesn’t get it. I know she will come in tomorrow and try to give me a hug or pat my arm or adjust my hair or whatever. Everyone is a sweety pie, honey bunch, or some other rosy name. She stands right up next to people and even leans on people sometimes. Have any of you had any experience with someone like this? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but sheesh. I wish she would get the message to back up!

lunar_rabbit	28 May 2002
I hate when people do that! One of my friends does it all the time. I finally spoke up one night and said "Sorry, I'm feeling a little clausterphobic here" and backed up. She said "Oh! Sorry!" And hasn't done it since. Whew.... But since you said you already talked to your friend about it, I don't know what to tell ya. Other than you have my sympathy... and NO hugs. LOL.

Malachite	28 May 2002
well...Can't say I understand that...If you say it annoys you, I believe you, but being a very untouchable person, I'd swap ya anytime... Umm....eat more garlic?... I really don;t know...If you've tried talking to her, then I'm stumped. Can't offer anything but moral support, so thats yours...

Yarnie	28 May 2002
Not sure if this would help or not...might just upset her, though. You know that commercial for Saturn automobiles that has been airing lately? The one where the guy is standing WAY too close to the salesperson? (It ends something like this: Customer: Is there anything else I should know? Salesperson (who has looked very uncomfortable the whole time): (looks thoughtful...then) You're standing like an inch away from my face and its really freaking me out. Customer: (looks a bit surprised and then takes a small step back) Oh, is this better? Salesperson: (nodding) Much better. ) You could try making a video tape of that commercial and show it to her until she gets the message. Unfortunately, from what you've said, I don't think the message would sink in.... Good luck!

raeanne	28 May 2002
Yarnie, The first time I saw that commercial, I thought of this person! I was so relieved to see that commercial because maybe the people who come way too close will get the message and back up a bit! I doubt it though because if they understood that there are limits, they probably wouldn't be too close to begin with. I thought about wrapping myself in barbed wire but I don't think I could sit down very easily. He, he, he. Maybe a few stiff arms to the midsection?

Faerie Lin	28 May 2002
LOL Yarnie and Raeanne, I've seen that commercial too, its crazy huh? Wasn't there also a Seinfield episode about a man talking too close? Anyhow, sometimes you just have to be blunt. Because sometimes people just don't get it. Its better to just come straight out with it than come to work in a bad mood one day then all of a sudden just snap at her from it all being held in so long. I would say something like "Don't get too close to me! I just farted!" lol j/k, but you really should tell her you are not comfortable with her being so close. Lin

All Is One	28 May 2002
It actually makes me squirm just to read the description you gave of her and her invasion of personal space! I don't think this is a sensitive and caring individual- she would have noticed your intense discomfort long ago. It is clearly about her needs and her lack of boundaries. Good Luck~ I am in sympathy because I am basically backing away from people half the time, and it is an extra invasion when they pretend their touchy feely thing is affection. Often there is a real passive-aggressive streak to these people, and a hostile undertone to their "love pats" and etc. If telling her didn't do it~ Take three giant steps backward and don't be polite(?) best wishes in an icky situation~

Sam	28 May 2002
sorry, i posted twice. see second post.

Sam	28 May 2002
maybe you should do all of the things she does to you to her. call her rosy names, hug, adjust hair, etc. some ppl only learn from experience, and i think she is one of them. hope this helps!

Moonklad	28 May 2002
Well..don't know if this helps...but some people from different cultures have a closer "personal" space. I know this is a generalization...but I have heard that is true. Anyway..as far as fixing the problem. I think the video tape of the commercial is a good idea. I thought of that commercial immediately when reading your post. If it were me I would probably talk to her again..really bluntly and remind her each time she "invaded" my space.It is really something that you shouldn't have to just endure. You have a right to feel comfortable and secure and she shouldn't be allowed to invade your space. Personally..I am very touchy and huggy with my friends. I always kiss, hug and say I love you to each one when we part or meet. Now I am talking close friends here. I think I have a very small personal space. I don't mind if someone touches me..even a casual acquaintance.. Hope you work it out ..good luck Moonklad

raeanne	28 May 2002
Hi all, Thanks for the moral support! It will be an interesting summer I am sure! I guess there are some people that just don't get the message even when you are blunt. I will just have to keep telling her to back up every five seconds. Maybe I can find that Saturn ad on adcritic.com and set it up to be my screen saver! Oooo, this might work! Thanks all for letting my brainstorm. PS. I just tried adcritic and it is not available. Well, I am sure the ad is on the net somewhere.

catlin	29 May 2002
Hi raeanne, Just intrude into her personal space. Most ppl when they feel that someone is getting too near, they back away and leave even more space to the other. In fact, you should approach them to get them out of your way (it works, that is the same thing how a lion tamer works with his lions).

Kiama	29 May 2002
Call me mean, but you could do something to scare her off... Like, suddenly pretend you really fancy her, or... Start contemplating out loud about axes and chainsaws.. I dunno! Just do something she'd be scared by! }) I wish you luck! Kiama

zorya	29 May 2002
i just can't believe that hurting her feelings, is the answer. you said that you like her. she may be a very loving touchy person. maybe you could take her aside for a LONG chat, or better yet, go to lunch. (you can always put the table between you). explain the problem, as YOUR problem, with space. how it makes you feel very uncomfortable. if you have reasons that you would like to share with her, it probably wouldn't hurt to include them. she may turn out to be sympathetic. you win, and she's left with some dignity.

Diana	30 May 2002
I agree with zorya. I don't think this should even be a big issue. I would just casually remark to her that you have a problem when people come up to close to you, because you find it a little invasive. It's one of those cases when you needn't use the "you" word, but the "I" word. Talk about your feelings, and then she can't really be hurt 'cos you're not criticising her.

aeonx	30 May 2002
I agree with zorya and Diana on this one. I've been in the same situation, and I told the person that I didn't like people coming too close all the time, and that I needed my personal zone. He understood and didn't get (too) hurt. He is one of those needing people around 24 hours a day. One has to let them know where the boundries are. ~aeonx~

The Too close for comfort thread was originally posted on 28 May 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.