What's your thought on relationship break-up?

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 29 Jul 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

vision	29 Jul 2002
Just occurred to me that a lot of relationships seem to break-up when people go through changes. For example, the very thing which attracted them each other is no longer there. This could be, common interest, religious belief, job / status, house (??). What is your view on this everyone? Vision

wavebreaker	29 Jul 2002
Talk about synchronicity: I was discussing this with a friend this morning... ;) The reason why we were discussing it was because of two friends of mine who just broke up. They had been together for 8 years, bought a house together years ago, and were supposed to get married in September, with the wedding all planned. Then I got a phone call last Friday that the wedding was off because they had decided to end their relationship... So what we were discussing this morning is that sometimes major decisions can cause a relationship to end: buying a house together, getting married, etc. Before this major decision, maybe unconsciously one or both partners didn't consider their relationship to be a "steady" one, but this major decision make them realize this is "for real", and then one of them or both decide that they don't want this with this particular partner. In other words: this major decision makes them reconsider their relationship.

the hermit	29 Jul 2002
nothing stays the same... or lasts forever. people come and go throughout our life. but you're right vision, change within our life can also drive people away, even though that change may have been what was right and best for us. people don't always see it that way. the other side of that coin is that people who really belong in your life will accept you for what you are... and if you change for the better they will be happy for you. if the change is for the worse, then they'll be there to kick you in the butt when you need it, without judging you.

Marion	29 Jul 2002
I do not think that it is the change itself that causes the breakup, but that the major change is a catalyst for it. A old friend of mine was in a shaky marriage, but when hubby moved the whole family 5 hours away to another city, she split the sheets then and not before. Carl Jung cites examples like this as the power of archetypal symbols in the mind. The house could have been the archetypal symbol 'trigger' to the couple you speak about tarotlady. A symbol of home and family and maybe most important, old ideas about paternalism and so on.

wavebreaker	29 Jul 2002
Oops, sorry, I realise now that I've interpreted your question in a completely different way... :( I agree with hermit: change can drive people away. But then these people were probably not meant to stay in your life forever. We all learn and grow, and sometimes that means people are no longer "compatible" after a while.

vision	29 Jul 2002
Quote: So what we were discussing this morning is that sometimes major decisions can cause a relationship to end: buying a house together, getting married, etc. Before this major decision, maybe unconsciously one or both partners didn't consider their relationship to be a "steady" one, but this major decision make them realize this is "for real", and then one of them or both decide that they don't want this with this particular partner. In other words: this major decision makes them reconsider their relationship. It makes sense... My friend too is having a difficult time right now after 12 years of marriage. They both are my dear friends. Yes, nothing stays the same but you'd hope that one relationship may last over many difficulties they come across, don't you. Quote: the other side of that coin is that people who really belong in your life will accept you for what you are... and if you change for the better they will be happy for you. You know what? I will be happy whatever the outcome will be so long as they'll work out what's best for them. Vision

Kaz	29 Jul 2002
lol, i am right in the middle of breaking up, selling the house etc... why do people break up? numerous reasons i think, you name it and it can be a reason. for me the shortest description of why i breakup is "outgrown", does that word make sense? kaz

Laurel	29 Jul 2002
Quote: Originally posted by the hermit people who really belong in your life will accept you for what you are... and if you change for the better they will be happy for you. if the change is for the worse, then they'll be there to kick you in the butt when you need it, without judging you. I had to write this in my journal today! It struck me as so profound and helpful to think about and remember. Laurel

Maan	29 Jul 2002
Quote: Originally posted by Kaz for me the shortest description of why i breakup is "outgrown", does that word make sense? kaz It makes alot of sense to me! Wish you light in this time Love Maan

DarkElectric	29 Jul 2002
I just went through a devastating breakup with someone who had spent a lot of effort assuring me that he was definitely my life partner. It happened so suddenly I didn't know what hit me. Literally overnight. In retrospect, it seems that maybe he was trying to convince himself all along that he was really ready for things he wasn't ready for. However, he knew me well enough to realise that he could have honestly discussed this impending ending. He didn't have to behave the way he did. He was really scary and mean about the breakup. I guess he couldn't just say "Goodbye" quietly, because he needed the drama of a catyclismic departure in order to make sure he would never be able to come back. Or something. I still don't know. Through therapy, I learned that he was a controller, and I was refusing to be controlled.He didn't like this, and broke up with me to "Punish" me. He thought he'd "Won". Nobody won. Both of us lost. I think power struggles do play parts in some, but not all, breakups. Sometimes people just realise they want different things from life, one person changes at a faster rate, or they change in dfferent directions. And sometimes, people can be bullheaded and stubborn about things such as "Being Right" and lose someone who was a loyal and faithful partner forever, just because they wanted everything all their way.

zorya	29 Jul 2002
i read somewhere, that couples spend their first ten years, wanting to be and think like each other. then in the second ten years, they start seeing themselves as two individuals. i suspect that kind of change breaks up many couples. sometimes interests, philosophies or ones spirituality changes. problems arise if the either partner is unable to respect these differences. ( kaz, you make perfect sense.)

amyel	29 Jul 2002
Zorya, I agree with your example. I married later in life (well, compared to my friends anyway - I was 35) and my mom made a wedding album. Onthe front page, she had a friend calligraphy this saying: "Most like an arch is a marriage - two wholes leaning into one". My biggest problem with marriage is adjusting that balance of in-dependence with inter-dependence - and trying very hard to make sure it doesn become "dependence". But I can see how major changes - and this includes the big stressers, like house buying, job loss, financial problems and yes, even children - can bring about changes in outlooks, perceptions and attitudes. It only takes one in the partnership to be impacted so negatively it changes the relationship permanently.

Kaz	29 Jul 2002
Quote: Originally posted by Maan It makes alot of sense to me! Wish you light in this time thanks maan :-) i am doing ok here, in process of moving my stuff. work is interfering with the time i actually need for other things, but it's impossible to get more vacation now......so, i just take it one day at a time, coz every day something unexpected comes around. kaz

The What's your thought on relationship break-up? thread was originally posted on 29 Jul 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.