Obligations

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 24 Aug 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Rhiannon	24 Aug 2002
Since we are all apparently going through some changes (kayne's thread), I thought maybe we could also talk about how we cope with our various obligations. I find I actually chafe at my obligations more than at changes that occur. Sometimes I become depressed and resentful because I feel like I have no choice but to do what is expected of me. Do you ever feel like you are living your life for other people instead of yourself? For your children (of course), your wife/husband, your family, friends or co-workers. Heck! Sometimes even complete strangers? Do you always do what is expected of you? How do all of your obligations affect YOU? R :)

debins	24 Aug 2002
I try to set time aside for myself, even snippets of time. Or do some little, self-indulgent thing, like have a fragrant bath, or take off to coffeehouse-bookstore for a cappuccino on my own. My philosophy is that if I take care of myself I am better equipped to take care of others. When the kind of resentment that you describe rears its ugly head I reflect on whether or not I've been neglecting myself. And usually I have. I've also found that people take the caregivers for granted. They are not malicious in their forgetfulness, it is just that when good caregivers do things for others so very well others tend to forget that caregivers are not superhuman. They even do not recognize when caregivers are overworked or for how long they've been overworked. They don't even notice when caregivers haven't had any vacation at all as others ask for favours from them in order that the requester might get some time off. Might this be the case with you? Here at aeclectic we need to take good care of each other. And I feel blessed that my fellow aeclectic members do, indeed, help me. Bless all of you. Really! Namaste, Debins.

jade	24 Aug 2002
i find that because i'm here so much, i often don't get other things done as quickly as BLO (before life online). i don't feel resentful, but i get overwhelmed sometimes. off to do stuff in real life. *jade runs from the room* heehee jade

amyel	25 Aug 2002
I've always tended to be responsible. Maybe because I'm the oldest, I don't know. But the last few years, I just want to run away from all of it! I know why, but I don't want to go into it too deep here. Suffice it to say that I am the one with a steady job and while I enjoy it (mostly) and am well paid, it is the reality that if I was to lose my job we'd be sunk that scares me. And it irrates me that it just doesn't seem to register with hubs. This has caused all sorts of emotional strife in our marriage. Add to the fact that his ex-wife thinks we (I) are the bank...and likes to threaten to take hubs (me) to court for more child support because *I* earn so much...! (She can't, BTW, but it pisses me off anyway, because I do a heckuvalot for her children). So how do I handle it? In the past, not very well, I'm afraid. Withdrew. Held it all in. So this fall, I decided to start to do things for myself that I *want* to do, not that I *have* to do; and stop doing things that hubs should be doing for himself (like paying *his* bills - let *him* do it!). I've signed up for two exercise classes starting September (pilates & yoga), and I am considering doing an on-line certificate course. I am reconnecting with me and what makes me the independent, wonderful woman I was when I met hubs.

Liliana	25 Aug 2002
Yep I TRY to always do whats expected of me and feel suicidal when I know I let someone down (usually hubby) My life is pretty much dedicated to my children and husband, to the point where i pretty much have no other life outside the net. Yes, Im very resentful, hence very moody, about it at times. I have to stay home and do all this hard stuff while my husband goes to school and participates in numerous extracurricular fun things, or at least in my mind they are. Human contact, wow hehe. He starts back tomorrow. How Im handling it? not very well for a long while, but im starting to realize making him happy is making me happy, because he wants me to be happy. And Ive been having my day out every week, going to my moms house alone, that helped a lot. but im likely goin to have to give it up or at least change it to somewhere else to fit my husbands overactive extracurricular schedule :THP

purplelady	25 Aug 2002
This is so familiar, I could write a book! However, it's mostly for my kids. And they are older now so I really shouldn't have Too many obligations. But when they were growing up I took my motherhood obligations very very seriously. Dating and partying pretty much came to an end. Even now, I would rather stay home with my son and do his laundry then go to some event or something that I really don't care about, or even go to friend's house and leave him alone. ( um , except I DO hear alot of moaning voices saying "she's STILL online!!!" ) LOL However.....................for anyone else I really don't feel obligated, and decided a long time ago I would do what pleases ME. Rhiannon, it sounds like you may be approaching doormat-dom. If you chafe at your obligations it may be time to rethink them, or find a way to get out of them. You also have to assure yourself that you'd rather live life for You, and to heck with them (strangers? wife/husband, "friend") even IF You think/know you will be accused or silently be thought of as the B---- ! I figured out that the people who would think that are going to think it anyhow , so I might as well not care about pleasing Them! And I decided to please me. Also, they might be SO used to you being the way you are that if you change they might Really flip out initially! But eventually they should accept it! amyel, you so remind me of me! Not the details but just the tone!And I am a capricorn too , and the oldest.

Sullanciri2002	26 Aug 2002
it does seem that we are bound by the consequences of our decisions ... and the ongoing effect they have on our life. In my case, my job has become an "obligation" ... because I did take on the responsability to provide for my wife and kids, and haven't got a prayer of ever earning the same sort of money if I were to switch career-orientation after 15 years. Is that a bad thing ? Not really - I knew that getting married and starting a family would bring certain things in its wake, and knew that it would impose certain obligations ... but the only way out of that, is to take no responsability at all and live your life with only your own concerns in mind. My interest with the tarot may not be "mainstream" in my environment, but I don't have to follow everyone's rules once I get off work and have a right to my own time - in between the time that goes into work, family, kids, etc .... Does this make sense to anyone ?

jade	26 Aug 2002
Quote: Originally posted by amyel I am reconnecting with me and what makes me the independent, wonderful woman I was when I met hubs. that is soooo great. you know.........."you are the only person that you have to spend your entire life with" (one of my little sayings in life) *jade jumps for joy over amy's words* love and light, jade

jade	26 Aug 2002
i believe that life can be full of limitations, self imposed or otherwise, or we can choose to not allow limitations into our reality. sounds simple.....not at all. it involves alot of trust in a power higher than ourselves to assist us on our path. it involves alot of 'letting go' of fear and programming etc. it's certainly not the easy or safe path.........but it is another choice. jade

Kazz	26 Aug 2002
I think as a women I felt that I was obligated to be the one to give up work and sacrifice some of my personal interests, to stay at home and look after my daughters and hubby. Which is fine with me most of the time as i think it is important for at least one parent to be with the children whilst the are young. But in saying that my husband goes to work and he also has his Baseball coaching commitments outside of work, (which he LOVES) and isn't home alot because of these things, so I sometimes feel some resentment towards him as I had to sacrifice alot IMO to make sure that my home and family are well looked after, whilst he still gets to do pretty much what he loves to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any regrets, and i love being a mum and wife, but sometimes I feel that I have been left behind in the background of life (so to speak) due to my many obligations, so as far as that goes I feel that I am obligated to please myself every once in a while. And so should we all.:) Cheers Kazz :TQC

kayne	27 Aug 2002
I find that I hate having too many obligations. I like my weekends and holidays to be as free as possible so I can decide what to do in the moment, according to how I feel. Of course I am obliged to pay rent and bills and so I guess I am searching for a way of doing this in a way that doesn't *feel* like just an obligation but something I choose to do because I love it.

VGimlet	27 Aug 2002
I have changed the way I look at them. In years past, I didn't handle obligations very well. I felt resentment, anger and frustration. "Obligations" included cleaning the house, going to work, visiting when I wanted to stay home, going to yet another Tupperware party (I hate tupperware), family gatherings, grocery shopping, paying the bills...blah blah blah. Plus everything had to be perfect, and the only one who could do it perfectly was me..... Now, I look at most things as choices I make, instead of obligations. I choose to do some of them so I am comfortable, like cleaning the house. I turned some of them over to Ken, either completely, or partly; they don't have to be my definition of perfect, they just need to be done. I choose to work, not just to pay my bills, but because I like my job. I pick and choose what I spend my free time on. I never go to Tupperware parties anymore, but I might go to a candle party. I pass on the family pizza party, but might go to the birthday. Yes, there are still obligations (like helping my mom pack for her move...oh the horror!) but I can deal with them when my whole life doesn't feel like it's being lived to take care of obligations.

mara	27 Aug 2002
I personally don't believe in obligations but I do believe in choices!! An obligation to me is something that HAS to be done, whether you want to or not. Now we all have things that we would rather not do........ but if you don't want to do them.....CHANGE THE SITUATION. The way I see things is that we ALL have the power to change our lives at any given moment. If you don't like the way things are going for you then change them. If you can't then you have to accept them ( seeing that we live in the society that we do ). If you can't accept them, even though you tried, then it's time to change your lifestyle, or the way that you life. If you say you can't, then your just too comfortable in your way of life at this moment (if your truly honest with yourself, you'll find this to be true. But too little people are THIS honest with themselves). Think about it........we all make the choices that suit us the best in this moment in time....we may not understand some of the choices we make and 'nag' about them, but for us they are there to see something that we (our 'soul') need to experience. Now, I can hear alot of people saying "yeah but some things can't be changed". If it's about the way society or the economy is, yes I agree. But anything on a personal level can be changed. We set our own limitations and barriers and it is up to us to break them. If we are not happy with the way things are going for us then we need to change them and if we can't then we just have to accept them. Though CAN'T is a very strong term, because the moment that a person says "I can't", he is just verifying for himself that this is what he choose!!! (his soul experience, that is :)) Obligations are also (especially in family life) the things that are "expected" of us.......SAYS WHO?????? If we are truly living our own life, and do the things we do out of a sence of love and not out of a sence of responsibility, then we are making things sooooooo much easier on ourselves. If my neighbour (for example) were to say to me that he doen't want to pay rent anymore or spend his money buying groceries....I would say to him that that is a choice, but to survive in the world he would have to build a shelter in the "bush" somewhere and hunt for his food to stay alive........it is still a choice. Like many that we have. But seeing that we all live in society we choose to follow the rules and regulations that come with it. Just like we choose to be in the relationship that we are in at this moment and just the way we choose to stay in the same job we are in at this moment, and just the way we CHOOSE to live our live the way we do at this moment in time.......see they are all choices that we make ourselves. THE ONLY THING THAT WE WERE BORNE WITH IS....FREE WILL. It just depends on whether you really WANT to change the things that bother you or not, that is the hard part. Because when it comes to a matter of survival, it is human nature to take the easy way out (whether on a personal emotional level or on a survival in society level). I myself speak only out of personal experience. I've been in situations in my personal life that I thought I could never change and then I just started looking at things from a different angle and being totally honest with myself (which always hurts) and I made the changes that I didn't like and redirected my life. A lot of people (especially family and relatives) didn't understand why I didn't respond to certain "conditionings" anymore, but later realised that I'm just finding my own way in the world that we live, and that the path I'm following is right for me at this moment, as is the path that everyone else is following is right for them at this moment :) I think that the hardest thing for a human being to do is to be totally and truly honest with themselves.....truly honest......on a very deep deep level.......think about it.....truly honest. Mara

mara	27 Aug 2002
did I make it too long????? Mara

Laurel	27 Aug 2002
A wonderful acquaintance named Bea taught me something about obligations a couple of years ago. That obligations are things that grown-ups do, because they are grown-ups. So now, whenever I have to face an obligation that I used to run away from, I summon my Inner Grown-Up (I don't need an Inner Child lol) and usually find the maturity to act accordingly and fufill the situation honorably. Laurel

Sorceress_Jade	27 Aug 2002
I've always been told I'm mature and responsible for my age. I think a big part of why people believe that is that I choose my obligations wisely. I don't, or do my best not to, allow anything I am going to want to deal with influence what I have to do in my life. And in that, I end up not doing the 'immature' things other people do to get out of their predicaments. The thing about it is... that's selfish. I know it is, and I don't have a problem with it. I openly admit it, I'm selfish. That's where the balance comes in. Your obligations are a part of yourself that selfless. I think mostly you just need to find the balance between that is right for you. There's nothing wrong with being selfless or with being selfish, so long as you work it so that your heart isn't burdened by the choice. Perhaps it's time to prioritize and crack down on some energy zapping obligations that don't need to be laid on you? :)

lunalafey	27 Aug 2002
I get overwhelmed when I stop and think about my schedual ahead. I'm one of those that burns the candle at both ends at times. It's all my own doing and I do it because I'm on a mission. The only people I have to 'answer to' are my 3 kids. That is something I just do and have NO problems in that department, not saying my children are problem free, just taking on the responsibility of having them, it is just done, with a smile. I have learned life can be easier when there are NO expectations of(not from) others. One cannot tell what another may do, even if they say they will do this or that. Something my happen inbetween, people change their minds. And WE ALL know this, so WHY? expect, one can only hope. The only expectations one can make is for themselves. But then there are those expectations put upon us.(ah, Rhiannon *:) That is a tough one. but that comes down to choice. I choose to deal with the drunks in the bar, it is expected, part of the job. But the job does take care of the bills and then some. I don't do alot of what other may expect from me, but what is it that they expect exactly? how important? how petty? Any one can have an expectation from me, but there are no guarantees. One just never knows. I try to fulfill the meaningful expectations, but sometimes there is only so much time and energy. mara, interesting outlook, which I feel goes along the same lines as my lack of expectations. It's ALL about choice. We choose: to do, to don't, to say, to feel, to accept, to reject.

The Obligations thread was originally posted on 24 Aug 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.