What did you do to get over a relationship?

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 13 Aug 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Mlle Lenormand	13 Aug 2002
When most females end a relationship they get a new hairdo or buy a new outfit or both....not me...nope...went and spent on a new pc. I may be broke, but I'm sure having fun playing with my new toy. So what did you do to get over a relationship that may be unusual?

floracove	13 Aug 2002
When I'm over it I'm through! And most of the time they've done something horrid to bring about the break~up. Usually there are many things to catch up with... And usually theres someone new to start talking to and getting to know... but i don't think that's unusual...

Poetlove	13 Aug 2002
Well, I sent my ex back to Chicago, and remaind friends? Some say that is unusal to stay friends. Usually I make a clean break, and I don't talk to them any more. In fact I am going to see my ex for a weekend in Sept.

Laurel	13 Aug 2002
My old destructive pattern was to immediately get into another relationship! Within 24-48 hours. Just yesterday, I finally figured out why. I was telling my beloved roomie that when I was a child and a pet died or had to be taken to the vet to be put to sleep, my parents would immediately go from the vet's to a puppy kennel or go look at free kittens. We never really had time to grieve afterwards, there would always be someone new to love, immediately. I had never made the connection. Laurel

jade	13 Aug 2002
wow, what an excellent bit of information for all us parents. i never ever made that connection before. thank you :D love jade

floracove	13 Aug 2002
That is insightful... I never go looking for someone... In my heart yeah, but to GO HUNT. No. Besides it isn't really love if you HAVE to hunt for it, I believe it comes to you. You have to learn to love yourself truly to learn to love others truly...

WolfSpirit	13 Aug 2002
floracove, I just love your post ! :) Love has to come to you at free will...I would not know how to hunt after love anyway, it would just get me depressed I think.

Diana	13 Aug 2002
Quote: Originally posted by Laurel We never really had time to grieve afterwards, there would always be someone new to love, immediately. I had never made the connection. You have this amazing way of sharing things with us all, that make little stars fall from the sky into our eyes, and suddenly things become clear. Thank you for this post. And for all the others.

Kaz	13 Aug 2002
hmm, just broke up my relation, did i do anything unusual? don't think so..... i moved and i am trying to get everything unpacked , still some unexpected hassles over the house we own, i thought this was finished, but not yet........... i wish i had the money to buy a new pc, this one is "old" and slow, compared to what's on the market now. i will go study again, that's what i am gonna do, maybe not unusual but finally gonna study what i have wanted deep to do for years, but didn't because of jobposibilities. now i don't care about that anymore............. kaz

truthsayer	13 Aug 2002
my old stand-by has been to go shopping and get new clothes. get rid of any clothes that remind me of this person. maybe change my hairstyle. i get rid of any gifts that could serve as a reminder to the past. i might even cut his head out of pictures of us together. but most of all, i think it's important to allow time to grieve. if you don't recognize your grief and let it pass w/o being repressed then it will come out in another way that may be more destructive. when my cat died in february, my husband and i grieved deeply. we have 2 cats left and we swore we'd never get a replacement b/c she was so special to us. then in june a 7 week old stray melted my heart and pepper came into our life. he doesn't replace megan nor does he end the grief. he does a wonderful job of delighting us and charming us w/ who he is and discovering the world again thru his kitten eyes. so surely it has to be a total coincidence that he's also black and white and the spitting image of megan... >^..^<

jade	14 Aug 2002
aaah truth :) kaz, i send you big hugs and support during your time of EXTREME change :D i'm always here for you! love jade

VGimlet	14 Aug 2002
I am terrible at getting over relationships. My worst/most conflicted/semi-unrequited/most difficult for me to end relationship took two years before I was completely over it. Even though it was, ultimately, my decision. I made a list of all the good and bad things about the person, and his name. All the things I learned from him, and learned about myself during our time together and took them outside, and burned them. I was almost over it by then, but that seemed to be a final release for me.

Rhiannon	14 Aug 2002
Go sleep with all his friends (if they're cute). JUST KIDDING! :D ;) R :)

DarkElectric	14 Aug 2002
Wow. I wish I knew how to get over a relationship. It seems like I used to know. When someone and I broke up, it just faded away over time, sort of of it's own accord. But the one that just went down in flames in April...I just can't seem to get over it. I know he was bad for me. (Controlling, abusive) I know he was a liar. I know he was cheating on me, thus disrespecting me and putting my health at risk. I think it's the anger thing. This creep broke up with ME! I wish to the Gods, that I had been the one to do the dumping. My self worth has taken a beating, and I am actually hoping that that rule of 3 is the rule of 33 in his case. The end went like this. He started a fight, blew up, got nasty, packed his stuff and ran out the door. That's it. No closure for me. It all happened so fast, I didn't have a chance to even get mad, I was so stunned. And then he was gone. Maybe that's why I can't get rid of it. Everybody says he did me a favour by leaving. This I know. But, he wasn't always abusive, it just sort of turned ugly that way over time. And I really thought he loved me. Guess I was wrong. So, I'm trying to get by, keeping busy. It's faded a bit, and if he ever tried to come back, he'd get a surprise. (not like he ever would anyway) But in spite of all I know, I still feel really ...betrayed. And angry. I still can't believe that someone who alleged to love me so much would do such horrible things. Especially to me, who loved him, was there for him, and treated him really, really well. It seems like the girls who are mean to men get all of them and have them eating off their shoes. Nice girls get treated like TP. Why is that? I don't want to be mean to men. I don't want to be mean to anybody. My friends say I should be, and that I don't know how to 'play the game'. I'm sorry, but it isn't a game to me. If I want games, I'll just play DiabloII L.O.D.

floracove	14 Aug 2002
Thanks Wolf Spirit... I read some where aloo~oong time ago that if you took a sheet of paper and wrote down all of your good and bad qualities, then all the good and bad qualities of the one you were attracted to and then qualities of your perfect someone, and then the quailties of some one you admired. And sat down with it and compared them all that you would be able to figure out that none of us are perfect and it would help you to find the one for you.... Can't claim this helped me find the one, cause sometimes you just have to get on with living and it just comes to you, but it does help to realize that NO ONE is perfect!

floracove	14 Aug 2002
Dark Electric, I understand how you feel, someone told me one time I needed to be a Bitch to men, well I did give that a try, mostly because of the anger... And I'm going to tell you from my experience, it doesn't work or make you happy to be contrary to your own nature. All it does is make you and everyone around you very unhappy. And even causes you to question your sanity! Do not follow this path that maybe natural for some. And do not let anger and hurt close your heart and feelings... Be true to yourself and your own nature and let everyone else be to theirs... In my opinion (because I was basically in the same boat, maybe the port side) This man did not truly love you and has some sort of problem within himself, I mean, who is going to up and run out of a relationship without at least trying to let the other person have just one small moment to express them self? He has the problem, even if its not being able to face himself...he knows he done you wrong and is more than likely ashamed of himself or afraid to face situations that call for some form of maturity... And you do deserve someone who loves you and respects you enough to be honest and truthful to you, don't you? Take the time to let yourself get over this, by realizing that there is nothing different that you could have done to make this man be anything other than himself... Most everyone makes a bad choice in love... It will be ok in the long run, at least now you have the experience under your belt to recognize another "jerk" when he comes dancing up the trail...right? Enjoy your you time! Some one wonderful will come serching for the same things you seek one day and you'll be all the better for it for having to suffer now... ***HUGS***

truthsayer	14 Aug 2002
i think there is something to who gets to be the dumper. the dumper has already resolved feelings and regrets before making the decision. but the dumpee generally hasn't put the same time and effort into letting go of the relationship. the dumper has taken the time to fill the dumpee's place w/ other things. the dumpee is left w/ nothing but a void where that other person was. it's like the person died but it's even worse. they're still alive but S/HE has chosen to reject you, to give up the relationship. that means you have to work out all the things about yourself that made you rejectable and make it okay and acceptable to you that everyone in the world doesn't like or love you. if somebody leaves you via death, it generally isn't a choice. when choice is involved that where pain begins. does this make sense? i'll never forget this guy i was head over heels in love w/ but he didn't feel the same about me. i knew he was dating others and he told me to date others. but i couldn't seem to let him go anymore than i could a bad habit. i did force myself to date others and met my future husband. i went to see this guy to tell him it was over but he had something to tell me first. so i let him. i realized shortly that he was trying to break up w/ me. for some reason i felt more empowered to tell him then. i said something like,"but that's what i'm trying to tell you! i HAVE found someone else!!!!!!!!" his stunned face was priceless. then he managed to say,"well, that didn't take long!" it was like he thought it would take me a long time to find someone to take his place. i guess he was expecting crying and hysterics. i took the power out of his punch! we talked some more and he admitted now that he knew i had someone else he was jealous!!! man! but was that ever crazy! he didn't want me unless i didn't want him anymore and someone else had me.

Kaz	14 Aug 2002
Quote: Originally posted by jade kaz, i send you big hugs and support during your time of EXTREME change :D i'm always here for you! love jade thanks jade :-) i'll send you an update email kaz

amyel	14 Aug 2002
Well, I'm married now and have been with C. for over 6 years, so it's been a while since I've had to deal with this. But I do recall that I would spend alot of time by myself, and cry and all that. That lasted a various amount of time, depending on how long the relationship lasted to begin with. Then I would heal by hanging out with friends, maybe trying a new hairstyle (you know, the old "reinvent yourself" routine) or some clothes. But you know, I think it came as a surprise maybe twice in my life. I spent most of my relationships expecting they would end (I don't feel like going into the all the psychological whys), so of course they did. My reaction to a break up was also determined on who did the breaking up.

amyel	14 Aug 2002
Quote: Originally posted by truthsayer he was jealous!!! man! but was that ever crazy! he didn't want me unless i didn't want him anymore and someone else had me. Been there! the guy I dated last before I met my husband was like that. It was draining, all that "I want you...no, wait, changed my mind, go away....oh! you're dating? Hmmm, maybe I want you again. ooooops, bored now, see ya..." This went on for over a year. I eventually saw the light and met hubs - I don't recall how much later. After hubs I married, I went back to visit my friends in Calgary, and he was invited to the party (despite it all, he was really a nice fellow, just f'd up; we had remained friendly and he even met my future hubs). Anyway, he got all drunk & sloppy at this party and started telling me and my friends how much he loved me, and how he regretted "letting me go" (although the final end was me letting him go!) and all this nonesense. I took no pleasure in telling him it was way past too late and had been the day I ended it with him. He persisted by sending me emails. The problem was back then, hubs & I shared the same account, and when the emails were light & friendly, this was fine....but one day, hubs opened our emails and here was J. once again telling me how much he loved me blahblahblah. Hubs responded to that one, and we've never heard from him since. I'm still not sure if I feel sorry for him, but I know I don't miss him.

jade	15 Aug 2002
dark electric, i suggest that you create your own closure. get a friend to be him. (yes, roleplaying) write down everything that you wished you could have said to him and then play it out. tell him why you don't want to be with him and then break up with him. (have your friend leave and then come back as themselves) it will do amazing stuff to your sub-conscious and conscious mind! love jade

kelli	15 Aug 2002
Carolyn i vote you dont sleep with his friends! (laughing madly) as IM MARRIED TO ONE OF THEM!!! too funny.. Kelly

Mlle Lenormand	16 Aug 2002
Many giggles over that post Kelli :) and no I won't!! Well I did the dumping, didn't want to, but had to for self preservation and dumping someone is not easy either. Although I don't want hubby back, I still get upset that I have hurt another human being. Dumping someone means that you have to deal with guilt and responsibility. This is not necessarily harder than being dumped, but just different. Me...I'm gonna get to know me, because I'm worth it!!!

Kismet	16 Aug 2002
laurel, I thought your post was good. It's nice when we come to realise why we do some of the things we do. DarkElectric, I have a lot I could say to you as I understand to a degree what you must be going through. I agree with Jade, make your own closure. I've had several male/female relationships in my life. My exhusband, I cannot find closure with as we have kids. There is a LOT I'd like to say, but he is verbally abusive, bipolar and on no meds and takes it out on the kids, me, so I just bite off on things. A relationship I had once ended with a guy lying to me as to why he wished it to end, then he wished to get back in touch. That was a very hard relationship for me, very emotional. What did I do? I ended up going on vacation for a month to another state, just couldn't handle being at home, it was calming. I also started talking it out with the person who would become my boyfriend. DarkElectric, I understand your anger at "How could he do this to me?". The boyfriend I spoke of and I were together a little over 4 years and he commited suicide. There is no peace, no closure, only questions. I've been trying to go on with life, I spend a lot of time here searching for answers or in touch with his loved ones. I try to get outdoors with Mother Nature, enjoy the tranquility. For you I would say make your own closure. I wouldn't do it as Jade would, I would track down where he lived and mail him, we all deserve a chance to say what we feel and go on as best we can. I wish each of you suffering a loss a quick healing. God Bless, In love and light, Kismet

jade	16 Aug 2002
kismet, why not write a letter to your ex. and then do a little ceremony and burn it. releasing all the yuck and negativity. that way, you get closure (somewhat) and he can't hurt you over it. love jade

floracove	16 Aug 2002
Jade, Your just full of wonderful ideas! ;)

the hermit	16 Aug 2002
I did a fairly typical guy thing at the end of both my marriages. I got drunk. Woke up with a very nasty headache and a very deep sense of loss. Then moved on... eventually. Both times I was the "dumpie" rather than the "dumper". The worst part was that in neither case did I see it coming. My friends tell me that for a well educated fellow I can be a bit thick. Oh well, that's life.

jade	17 Aug 2002
hermit, i send huggles to your cave :) (the chocolate covered ones!) love jade

La La	18 Aug 2002
I believe in the catharcic healing of fire. After a long term long distance relationship many years ago I had to dump my guy because I finally figured out his procrastination about settling down was actually his inability to committ (there was always some reason why it had to be postponed - 4 times!!) so I told him not to come back, cried for days, talked with friends and poured over memories of the good and bad, listened to my firends talk about my passions (outside of the relationship) and found a focus - something to throw myself into (which turned out to be my work in theatre and my present job) and then after I'd set my new course and refilled my sails (when I felt really ready to let go) I took all the photos and love letters and memorabilia I didn't want to keep and had a private bonfire. With each item as I threw it in the fire I asked the spirits to blessed the passing of this love and release me from the attachment . I then rejoined my friends inside and drank a toast to my future. ( I also threw in a prayer for him to find committment but unfortunately it hasn't worked cos 10 years on he's still on his own) Love (and committment) did come my way shortly afterwards (it too is a long and drawn out story) but this time it was for keeps and this one grows with me as I grow with it. For those of you who are at the raw edge of a blunt end (?) have faith in yourself and divine providence and by all means let yourself grieve but make yourself live too - find your passions and reignite yourself - you'll be amazed at the energy you'll find, immerse yourself in your passion and love with interrupt you when you least expect it.

The What did you do to get over a relationship? thread was originally posted on 13 Aug 2002 in the Chat board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Chat, or read more archived threads.