Coming out of the closet...a little

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 06 Oct 2002, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Bella	06 Oct 2002
Or maybe just testing the waters with my parents and brothers. They don't know I practice Wicca, and they don't know anything about paganism at all. My brother today wanted to know why I don't go to church. I said because i don't feel the presence of deity there...and I feel it condemns women (e.g., can't take communion when menstruating) and is (in general) hypocritical. Also, why should I kiss a priest's hand when he is no better than anyone else? I said those things always bothered me, so why should I go. I speak to deity my own way, and pray my own way, and am more spiritual now than ever. And, by the way..."God" is a woman *bombshell* LOL Hey, I knew I couldn't come out an say I'm a witch, pagan, etc., but i'm tired of hiding all this. Any suggestions about how to make this more understandable for the family. Or is it a lost cause? -Bella

Marion	06 Oct 2002
The answer to that likely varies from family to family. I finally decided to force the issue with my interest in Tarot, and just kept talking about it. None of them are exactly asking for readings, and I have had the odd comment, but at least I am not hiding it. Sigh. a bit different with religion though. Tends to be emotionally freighted. Are there any of them at all whom you might start with? Any even mildly sympathetic to alternative viewpoints? Might be good to get at least one of them on your side, who might actually stick up for you both publically and privately. If the whole bunch of them are hard-core religionists, the best you can hope for (at first) is to get them to acknowledge that you have your own path. And that will likely be hard. I say keep mentioning it, in a non-confrontational manner. Sort of let your water drip on their stone and see if you get any response. Good luck. Being ridiculed for beliefs can harm family relations, and you should keep that in mind and remember that the goddess shines in them as well as you.

Natalya	06 Oct 2002
Since they attend church (in todays society that would look like very religious people, lol) it is most likely that they are not going to take it very well...but they will eventually have to accept it.

Dark Inquisitor	07 Oct 2002
Well, brave Bella, you have given them reasons for not attending church. This opens you up to argument & speculation. When I am asked why I don't go, I just say, "I don't want to." Or- "I am not of that religion." I don't think my family would really enjoy hearing the upsetting details, even if they pressed me about it. It is better for them all around if we quietly remain on different planets, our religious paths never to cross.... Tarotphelia

ladycj	07 Oct 2002
I am lucky that I have some relatives that are open minded, but I hesitate to say come right out with my parents. I've been doing the slow drip approach by just mentioning my questions about religion. I have stated that I have serious issues with the church. I should mention that I don't however feel that my parents need to change their views as long as they accept mine. I still believe that thier path is valid to them, it is just not right for me.

wavebreaker	07 Oct 2002
Like Marion said, it very much depends on the family. When I told my parents I didn't want to go to church anymore when I was about 16, first they simply told me that I had to. But when I still refused, they left it at that. They never asked me why, they just thought it was another one of my "whims". But then I must add that my parents aren't very religious at all (they only go to church for Christmas and special occasions), the main problem they had with me not joining them in church was "what the neighbours would say" when they would see I wasn't with them... They don't know anything about my beliefs now or that I use tarot. I tried to explain to them about the reiki I do (to test the waters), but they weren't even listening. They are simply not open to other ideas then their own, so I've given up trying to talk to them about it.

Violet Gargoyle	07 Oct 2002
One way that you could go is simply stating that you prefer to have a one-on-one relationship with "God", without the use of middle men (churches, preists, etc), at least not right now. I mean, it's God(dess) is who you are working toward being more comfortable with anyway, not the members of church. I think the general idea would be to make it known that you arent currently getting what you need from your church and that you want to find something more meaningful to you. You are not turning your back nor making light of their religion, you just want to look to understand your own beliefs better. You could leave it at that for one session, and start to ease your family into the idea. Tell them about books you are reading (if they don't freak about the subject) and how it compares/contradicts other passages or what you believe. Let them know that you still believe in a higher power, you just want to believe more strongly about it by coming across your own ideas about right and wrong and finding your way. And from there, be prepared to debate intelligently about it. If you have the kind that may start quoting some biblical attages against "witches", you could gently tell them that the first commandment seems to mean God should decide judgement and no one else, because no one is supposed to come before him(her). This is just an example. Im just saying that if you have that type of family member, for every idea of "punishment" in the Bible (which is what many people start quoting), there is another one for tolerance and unconditional love, and you may want to keep those passages in mind in case any verbal sparring takes place. Hopefully, you won't need to have a too intense debate about it. Many times I think certain families are more worried that you are going blindly onto a path (afraid you will join a cult or something) and feel better that where you are going is not associated with the Urban Legends that they may be believing about a sheep leaving the flock and all that. They usually feel better once they actually know that you aren't too different than you always have been.

AmounrA	07 Oct 2002
You could just lie and say your a Buddist.:-) Seems mad, but buddism makes perfect cover . Its a religon you can respect, and it's a religon which disolves itself , the deeper it gets. I am sure your parents would find it easier to accept ,than witchcraft. Saying that, the truth would be the ideal. It sounds like a balancing act....tell the truth and risk getting your head nipped for the rest of your parents life.....or.....lie. Also are you sure about the path you are now on? There would be no point telling your parents if 2 years down the line you become a muslim. If you feel with every atom in your body, that the path you are on is the right one...........then do not feel the need to compensate for others small minds. If people don't challenge the box, the box will persist. :-)

anjocoxo	08 Oct 2002
I come from a country where those who aren't catholic are considered "strange" and sometimes it is very difficult for others to see that people are different, no matter the religion. I am very fortunate because my parents are not catholic and my mother doesn't mind my views (she keeps asking me to read her the cards), same thing to my family. But unfortunately, not all think like that, and as a kid, sometimes people though I was really weird because I~wasn't even baptised - how would I get married in church? (that was the first question everybody asked). My friends tend to think that I'm not 100% "normal" (whatever normal means) but they keep asking me to read the tarot. Now that I'm almost adult, I'm proud of my beliefs, and I stand up to them. Yet, I can understand that coming out of the closet may sometimes be difficult.

Bella	08 Oct 2002
thanks for the good advice from everyone! I appreciate hearing how others have dealt with this issue. As the days have passed, I still feel my mother's upset (?) anger (?) when I'm around her. I made it really clear that I don't think that there is anything wrong with her beliefs, or anyone else's, only that they never suited me, so I've found my own way. But she's really "old school"--I should be the same as the rest of the family. Any other path (even a different Christian path) would be wrong. I avoided words like Witch, Wiccan, or Pagan, chosing instead to explain a bit about the Goddess (/God) concept. Since I presented it as gently as I could, and got such a negative response, I think I'll just give up for now. Hopefully, she'll let the issue of my not attending church drop. The other day my six-year-old daughter said "I am Goddess!" Luckily, grandma wasn't around to hear that! ;)

Kismet	10 Oct 2002
Bella, I aplaud your speaking out and up for yourself. Since May I've been on a quest myself and shared with my Mother I'd had a tarot reading. I received silence and a look of "Who are you and where is my daughter??" then the speech on it being a sin with verses included to look up to remind me only God knows the future. I explained to her that I don't feel it is foreseeing the future, but rather confirming at times what I subconsciously know, more a guide than a rule to follow. I tried sharing the reading with her to no avail, and have heard nothing more of it. I do wish you love and light.

zorya	10 Oct 2002
sometimes families can see a rejection of their religion, as a rejection of the family as well. especially families who have had the same religion for generations. perhaps finding a way to assure them that you still want to be a big part of the family may help a tad. in the case of fundamentalists, imho, there is absolutely nothing that can be done. today my mother-in-law was crying on the phone, telling me how much it would help my family if we just became christians. she told me she was praying that jesus would save my soul. *groan*. all she knows of my spirituality, is that we do not celebrate the christian holidays, but celebrate the seasons; the solstices and equinoxes. all the talking and explaining in the world, can not help this kind of situation.

Dark Inquisitor	13 Oct 2002
RUN , ZORYA.... RUN!!!!

Sinta	14 Oct 2002
I know what you're going through. Even though I was able to talk to my mom (dad doesn't really care) about my so called belief in the "sea" emboding all beliefs that is true to me, she took it very uneasy... i had to assure her it did have its basis on the christian beliefs. She wasn't one to talk about it more. Now that i've started experimenting with tarot (even if i just believe it's something psychological and a bit more) i just know she'll go through the roof.. It's the sort of thing she's associated it with devil worshippers... she's actually able to tolerate lots of things, but with this being drilled into her a hundred times in church (i dont go to church anymore), i doubt she'll see it other way.... so while she's away in asia right now i plan to get a big lock for my box, where i keep my tarot. I plan to test the waters slowly.... maybe when i've already moved in with my bf.... maybe she'll then understand that i'm growing up and i have my own way of looking at things. Go slowly about it... i've heard a lot of bad reactions on such things. A pagan friend of mine was kicked out of his home and was disowned by his family who were serious catholics. So my advice would be to go slowly... test the waters... talk about your opinions on it but don't say anything about practicing it first.. let them slowly warm up to your opinion.. it might help.

The Coming out of the closet...a little thread was originally posted on 06 Oct 2002 in the Spirituality board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Spirituality, or read more archived threads.