common intrest, are they necessary in a relationship?

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 22 Jun 2003, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Maan	22 Jun 2003
I'm wondering..is a common intrest necessary? I don't have had that many serieus relationships to know the anwer to this question. I have been thinking lately about the reason my last relationship failed and the demands i have the potential new lovers in my life. Do i close the door to early because these man don't live up to the set of demands that i put up? And further more i strated thinking if i would like a man be for instance as much in to tarot as i am....thats my thing and i might have trouble sharing it ;) the tarot thing is just an example ofcourse. I don't have demands that high ;) So what do you all think? Is it necessary or not? Do you have any experiences that you would like to share? Love Maan

Mimers	22 Jun 2003
In some things yes, in all things no. Some common interests make it fun to do things together. My ex boyfriend and I both love to go cycling. We would spend a whole day on our bikes riding around for miles. Great fun. But he also liked to go mountain biking. That was when I would say, ok see ya! and have some time for myself. Nice balance. You do need to have some common interests, but it is also ok to have your own unique ones. That is what I find works best. Mimers

LittleWing	22 Jun 2003
well i think it is important to share some kind of common interest. but it is also important to have stuff - just for you. sharing interests can be as simple as *enjoying getting up early to walk, or share a nice breakfast. *liking the same style of music or books *having the same taste in films *sharing some of the same friends, children - doing things together obviously - many people find they have alot more in common - and this can work very well. but for me - - i never get men with new age interests that i have. i seem to go for men that are too 'macho' for tarot and yoga!!! but as long they respect this - this is just a part of my life. the interests i like my men to share are - - my sense for adventure, love of music and travel, socialising, ability to relax and enjoy life. everyone is individual, and i love them all for it!!

Tor	22 Jun 2003
I don't think I could have a girlfriend with the same interests as I have. It would invade my privacy. But common interests in daily life and "normal" stuff would be great.....the love of good food, nature, creativity in general. But I need to feel that something is mine and only mine...

lunalafey	22 Jun 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Maan Do i close the door to early because these man don't live up to the set of demands that i put up? well, first, stick to your 'demands' when it comes to the important things of of course......but I don't think common interests are a requirement. Having different hobbies could be quite fun for it is something new?.....then there is the challege of getting them to pick up an interest of yours that is new to them..... partners & tarot....my recient experience; He, not against it, but unsure because of 'religious brainwashing'{his words} He fought the rationalization that tarot was akin to some false idol & to seek guidence outside of 'god' is wrong.....but with his battle to develope his own sense of spirituality {which happens to be much like mine} he still wanted a deck of his own. Now we 'share' tarot, but I'm still the Queen of the cards in this castle.... bottom line, no matter what the level of commonality, it's the qualities of the person that make it worthwhile.....

zorya	22 Jun 2003
it's fine to have other interests however, i think it's important that each partner not disrespect the other's interests. two people with different interests can balance each other as long as there is respect. on the other hand.... how wonderful it would be to both have the same spiritual interests! how wonderful to grow together spiritually. i think that kahlil gibran said it perfectly when he wrote; And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "

Mimers	22 Jun 2003
Very beautiful Zorya. and very right on. I am still waiting for my 'spiritual man' :) Quote: i think that kahlil gibran said it perfectly when he wrote; And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "

RedWood	22 Jun 2003
I agree with everyone else.. Common interests help but not on everything. As long as you can listen to your partners interests even tho you are not interested is what counts. I do enjoy that my husband and I have the same spiritual interests.. Growing together is a lot of fun. Most of the time I do move faster then him because he works A LOT. But knowing that he is there when I need him and understand what I am growing through is very supportive. That way if I do need to share I know he is there willing and able to work with me through the tough times if need be.

amyel	22 Jun 2003
Maan, I think we are all pretty much in agreement here: relationships are a balance - and require constant balancing. I think common interests on some level are what draw people together. I've heard "opposites attract", but I've rarely seen them work out if there isn't some element of common interest, usually with the really important stuff that we hold as personal truths, i..e religious convictions, or goals for the future. The opposites can be good to help us balance our selves. For example, my husband is much more outgoing then I am (and I have rarely been described as a wallflower :) ) - he takes a much less serious look at life, perferring to keep things light & sunny & funny as much as possible. As a Capricorn, I possess a rather dry wit, and I love to laugh - *but* I am also very aware that I tend to get too serious. So, in this case, our opposite views on life approaches help us balance each other out. Having said all that, I do think interests you don't share with your partner are important, too. I've seen too many people, women especially, who seem to think that allowing their spouses out for a night with the boys is somehow "bad" or asking for trouble. I think it's basic respect and trust. If I don't trust hubs, why stay with him? If I can't respect his need for outside interests and activities, how I can I expect him to show me that same respect? I had this conversation with a male colleague when we were down in New Orleans, too. How marriages survive that kind of control & negativity is beyond me. Why anyone would want to is way beyond me! When my husband divorced his first wife, he went through a period of defining what it was he really wanted in a relationship. A crass as it may sound, he made a list of what he wanted in a partner: No smoking, hard working, someone who could laugh. I've never gone through that period of defining my partner; well, not consciously, but I can see the benefits. What is you are looking for Maan?

wavebreaker	22 Jun 2003
I think a few common interests would be nice, so you can spend time with those together. But apart from that I think it's also important for both partners to have their own interests. Personally, I would hate a relationship where you would do everything together, I think it would suffocate me... Then again, if you would have no common interests at all, you might end up spending no time together. ;) I agree with what others have said: there needs to be a balance between the time you spend together and time for yourself (for both partners of course).

Maan	22 Jun 2003
Quote: Originally posted by amyel When my husband divorced his first wife, he went through a period of defining what it was he really wanted in a relationship. A crass as it may sound, he made a list of what he wanted in a partner: No smoking, hard working, someone who could laugh. I've never gone through that period of defining my partner; well, not consciously, but I can see the benefits. What is you are looking for Maan? Thats a good question Amyel. I don't think i know. I know were i use to look for in a man. Both subconsioulsy and unconsiously but that was not what worked for me. What i think i need and what i really need are so often not the same. But if i start making a list like your hubby i think its would come down to a couple of things I need a man that i can trust and who accepts me, my compleet me. In the past i have had a relationship with a man who did both but who let himself be me...i mean he was to giving and to helpfull. he never though of arguing with me. It got so bad that i started doing things i knew he did not like just to get a reaction. So this makes me think that i need a man dares to think for himself and keeps me on my toes. So that we bot can grow. The second thing i would like to see is the willingness to work on oneself....to grow so to speak. Does not have to be on my terms...like tarot or other spiritual tools. I just would like that he does some selfdiscovery..and that wen he discovers something about himself he does not like, he tries to change it. Hmmm rambeling now. But your question makes me think! What DO i want! How can i find something in someone if i don't know what i'm looking for. Love Maan

Marion	22 Jun 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Maan How can i find something in someone if i don't know what i'm looking for. Now there is a question that I have also asked myself. :) First, whoever said that any areas where you do not share interest, there has to be at least respect, hit a very important point, to me. My brother is divorced, and he says that he knew the marriage was over when she started treating him and his ideas with contempt. He says that contempt will kill a relationship faster and more completely than anything. I also experienced that. My ex-husband treated everything to do with spiritual development, psychology and anything I could actually allow him to see with the deepest and most vocal contempt. So help me, I hid everything. I would even put down a book I was reading cover down, no matter what it was about, because my habit of hiding things became so ingrained. I remember just once I tried to talk to him about my interests, really bad idea. I think there should be some things in common, I mean you have to have some things that you both enjoy talking about, or doing. I would think the blank spaces between you would get pretty big, whether the 'winds of heavan' were blowing there or not, with no conversation starters. Something you can both laugh about, shared memories. Make that list, if only in jest. Then next step, decide which things on that list are so essential that you know that the relationship would fail without them. Keep the list relatively short I would guess.

LittleWing	22 Jun 2003
i think it helpful to get things in your mind straight - then you will not be unsure of what you want - when you get it!! try this - sit quietly and make a list - - - **my soul mate/ companion has these qualities..... **i have these qualities to offer him/her...... **these are my bad points i am aware of / can work on .... **these are his/ her bad points i can live with .... do not put a name or a face to this exercise (after you finish .... one may jump out though!!)

Diana	22 Jun 2003
I do not believe common interests are necessary. Because these things change as time goes along, and then what happens if one's interests do not change together in the same direction? Because this is what normally happens when people grow older. And then does one split up, just because the other person is no longer interested in the same things? However, taking an interest in the other person's interests is helpful to make a relationship healthy. Because otherwise one doesn't have the chance to share. My husband couldn't care two hoots about Tarot. But he is always willing to discuss it with me and give me his point of view (and to fill up the huge gaps in my ignorance of history). I can't give two hoots about all the games he loves playing with his friends, but I like to sit and hear about them and to discuss why he enjoys playing them so much. He's not crazy like I am about international events and news, but he is always willing to tell me what he thinks about my interpretations (he studied Political Science many years ago, so he is very useful. :D ). He hardly ever comes to the movies with me, but likes to hear about what I thought about the movie. Showing respect for the other person's interests is, in my view, far more important than having the same ones.

LittleWing	22 Jun 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Diana I do not believe common interests are necessary. Because these things change as time goes along, and then what happens if one's interests do not change together in the same direction? Because this is what normally happens when people grow older. And then does one split up, just because the other person is no longer interested in the same things? this is a good point. sometimes people can confuse 'getting on really well' and 'having everything in common' as something more ...... and when this changes .... what is left. this has happened to me many times as i used to follow my head more than my heart.

Logiatrix	22 Jun 2003
Maan, I used to believe that I had to find someone who was the "male version of me," so to speak. I even thought I had succeeded once or twice, but those relationships failed as miserably as any other. I am now dating a man who is my complete opposite. If I had made a list, I never would have even looked at him (and what a loss that would have been!). That is not to say that a list is a bad idea, on the contrary, I agree with that technique--if you know what you want. After I had thought I knew what I wanted in a partner, but failed at making it work, I didn't have a clue. Then I had a little epiphany: sometimes you're not supposed to "make it work"! This time around, I've gone about it all differently. Yep, I decided to just let it happen--IT being the finding of that certain SOMEONE. In fact, for the first time in my life, I let HIM choose ME, when I used to be the one to choose the guy. My boyfriend and I are very different, even physically. He is a big guy, I am little. He is dark with black hair, I am a pale redhead. He is from a completely urban environment, while my world has been largely academic. His knowledge comes from the streets, my knowlege comes from books. He has been married and has children; I have never been married and I have one grown, "adopted" kid. The list goes on... Most importantly, tarot cards frighten him, but that is my major interest...how can it possibly last? :D Despite all those differences, we HAVE found common ground. We both just like to talk. I think that would be awfully boring if we knew the same things. Instead, we bring to our discussions different information and experiences. Our interest in each other's lives is very mutual. All is not rosy, of course. For example, we started out with some conflict over spiritual differences. Oh, and the tarot thing...! Ultimately, we've found that we actually ENJOY the debate, and the meeting somewhere in the middle. We have both learned to compromise. That is the gist of my rambling--compromise. No, common interests are not necessary, but compromise is, IMO. I am learning that to make ANY relationship work, you have to be flexible. It has taken a person completely different from who I thought I should be with to demonstrate to me the value of compromise. :)

Alex	22 Jun 2003
My ex- and I were very interested in the same things. We met in college, frequented the same classes, our Ms and Ph.D.'s are in the same area. Guess what. We fought and fought over these common interests. My current boyfriend has apparent very little interests in common with me, so we don't fight over our hobbies, professions etc. He can talk to me about jazz, I can talk to him about science. Works great. Alex.

Minderwiz	23 Jun 2003
Common interests are necessary at least at the start of a relationship - there must be something that attracts and maintains attraction. In short term relationships this can of course simply be physical, but there comes a point where the relationship either packs up or develops on the basis of shared interest. You will not stay long with anyone with whom you have no shared point of contact. Yes there is a need to maintain individuality - and if you don't then you cease to be the person you were and the basis of any shared interest is undermined. Yes, over time we change and whatever the shared interest at the beginning we might grow out of it, or develop new ones. If we are talking about long term relationships then we need to work at them and ensure that the mutual element maintains a major role in the relationship, even if the subject of the mutuality changes. So some relationships that start with a shared interest may well lose it over time - relationships are dynamic, they either grow, evolve, re-define themselves, or they wither and die. The challenge is not only to continually renew the relationship but also to continually renew yourself. Don't expect to share everything but ensure that enough is shared to maintain the joy of each other's company.

buzzbee	23 Jun 2003
Being able to share in eachothers interests, whether they're the same or different, requires true & honest mutual respect for eachother's differences. ... & our right to be individuals, not cast from the same mold.

VGimlet	28 Jun 2003
I don't think you have to have common interests. One of the best things about my relationship is that we didn't (and still don't) have the same interests. HOWEVER I think one of the other things that was important is that we both are willing to learn about the other person's interests. And while I may never be the racing fan Ken is, and he may never share my love of books, (as an example) I have been to, and enjoyed many racing events since we met, and he has always listened to me talk about my latest favorite book, and has even started to listen to books on tape. And we respect the other person's interests even if we will never share them.

Kazz	28 Jun 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Diana Showing respect for the other person's interests is, in my view, far more important than having the same ones. Diana, I agree totally with this. You couldn't get two more opposite people like my husband and myself. They say 'opposites attract' well that's us to a tee!!;) He's the introvert and I'm the extrovert, I say black he says white, etc. Alot of people have said that we shouldnt' be together and that it would never last, but what I have found is that I bring him out of his 'coma' (so to speak:D) out of his little shell when he needs to and he brings me back down to the real world when I need to. We seem to balance each other out and it works really well most tof the time. He does NOT beleive in tarot or anything related, but he supports me and respects my beliefs, just as I support his greatest love "Baseball" He is a coach and travels all around Australia doing it which has him away from us alot. But I respect and support this as his goal to be a fulltime baseball coach, either here or in the States will be the greatest reward for SO MUCH hard work, sacrifice and dedication. In that I hold a very high respect for him. All our interests, beliefs and the nature of our souls, is what makes us individual. When we "click" with someone it's the quality of that person and what makes them up, not so much the quantity of common passions....IMHO:D Cheers Kazz :TQC

truthsayer	29 Jun 2003
my husband and i are total opposites but we've learned how to take our differences and use them to help each other or compromise. he's the extrovert and i'm the introvert. we are respectful, honest, dependable and loyal to each other. you never realize how important loyalty, honesty, and dependability is until you've had a disrespectful, disloyal, dishonest, and undependible mate. i am fascinated by medicine and biology. he could care less and more interested in baseball and his other hobbies. however, he was very appreciative of my knowledge when i recognized he had life threatening condition and got him medical attention before he wanted it. i was right and i saved his life. this happened 3 years ago. i seldom notice details. i tend to see life holistically. he see all the details. we always disagree about the housework--what looks clean to me isn't to him. but his attention to detail is very valuable when i ask him to edit my poetry and fiction. he notices grammatical errors and misspellings that spell check doesn't get. it's hard for us to even find a movie to watch together! LOL so sometimes i'll watch one he likes and vice versa. when we went to las vegas, he took a day off gambling to take me to the grand canyon. even though he did it for me, he admitted later he enjoyed the canyon more than gambling. by being willing to do something to make me happy, he had a great time himself. we are opposites on spirituality but we have some common ground to stand on and we respect our differences. when we married we agreed not to have children. that was okay for a few years then i went thru a phase i felt a "physical craving" to have a child. he didn't back down on his stand. i had to make a decision what was more important to me-our relationship or having a child. i decided i didn't want to risk a strong relationship to have a child. there is no way to know if the father of my child and i would have as strong a relationship. my first husband wanted a child--boy am i ever glad i didn't get pregnant! even if you have compatible personalities and interests doesn't mean a relationship will work. i was in love with a man once with all the right interests and all the above except that he just couldn't remain faithful to me. we both were smart enough to end the relationship before we lost the good memories we had of each other. just remember to be flexible and expect loyality, honesty, dependability and respect from anyone you date. everything else will fall into place if it feels right.

DarkElectric	29 Jun 2003
I think people need enough in common so they can be close, understand each other, and have fun sharing mutual activities. Building unity is essential, because when unity deteriorates, the opportunity for interlopers to threaten the stability of the relationship becomes apparent. When people feel they have nothing in common to relate to, it leads to estrangement and the subsequent disolution of the relationship, one way or another. However, people also need to be different enough to sustain each other's interests, and really need to retain their individual identities within relationship. Otherwise, the risk is run that one partner is subsumed by the other, leading to discontent, and power struggles, which are guaranteed to undermine the relationship. Ideally, I think there should be 3 entities within any successful relationship~ the "Me", the "You", and the "Us", wherein both both aspects intersect. Balance is essential. I think the Temperance card definitely applies here.

Logiatrix	30 Jun 2003
Quote: Originally posted by DarkElectric Ideally, I think there should be 3 entities within any successful relationship~ the "Me", the "You", and the "Us", wherein both both aspects intersect. Balance is essential. I think the Temperance card definitely applies here. Beautiful, DarkElectric, me likes... :D

jema	30 Jun 2003
i think common values are more important then common interests. i used to date a guy whos opinion on culture was that james bond movies were too high-brow. and who only listen to music where the female singers had big boobs. it was a disaster. he constantly cleaned and i cluttered. i think that was what broke it all apart. not that i liked books and he movies, or me walking in the woods and him running in the woods (although it made it kind of hard to keep up) but we basically had different values about what in life was important. for him it was a fit body and money on the bank - for me more internal things, like peace of mind, reflection and imagination.

Teranar	30 Jun 2003
Wow I, um, just want to find someone who's open minded to new ideas, and accepts me for who I am, and she could be catholic or muslem or wiccan or viagraist and I wouldn't really care.

mags@Treadwells	01 Jul 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Tauni Beautiful, DarkElectric, me likes... :D ..that you 2 know each other already. Agg, sorry, ok, yea I never really know w guys. When we have a lot in common, we argue more about our diffs of opinion on the things - can get v bitchy (will this be asterisked?) - but when we don t really share common ground, you can put money on the reason we got together having been almost purely physical. Familiarity breeding contempt. Hmm, more often than not, mate. But back to point - the fact you 2 will know who I'mn referring to in pms saves me SO much extra pm work :-p

Logiatrix	01 Jul 2003
[quote]Originally posted by mags@Treadwells "But back to point - the fact you 2 will know who I'mn referring to in pms saves me SO much extra pm work..." :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Mags, you crack me up!!! Glad you are here (and thanks for the PMs)... :)

truthsayer	01 Jul 2003
[quote]Originally posted by jema [b]i think common values are more important then common interests.] jema i agree with you to a point, jema. i think coming from similar socio-economic backgrounds help. both our mothers stayed home with us. both our fathers were blue collar workers. we both believe in the work ethic. my husband and i are relaxed about the appearance of our house because we both value and enjoy our pets more than we do high dollar furniture. however, he values money and organization. i love to spend and clutter. i'm artistic/idealistic and he's practical/realisitic. i nearly drive him crazy sometimes(and vice versa) and it's caused more than one argument. however, the longer we stay together(15 years) the more we tolerate each other's differences. we've learned that we depend and respect how each other's talents uniquely contribute to the relationship. i think loyalty is also very important. my mother in law doesn't like me. for years she sniped at him about me but he always stood by me and didn't let her get away with it. if he had chosen her over me, i would have been very hurt and it would have caused severe tension between us. you gotta love a guy who chooses his wife over his mother. that's the way it's supposed to be. despite our differences we've learned to be friends.

DarkElectric	01 Jul 2003
Quote: Originally posted by Teranar She could be catholic or muslem or wiccan or viagraist and I wouldn't really care. Viagraist? That's a new one to me...

Teranar	01 Jul 2003
Its an injoke centered around a guy who would chain takes viagra, so we called anyone he sleeps with a viagraist. Like I said, its an injoke.

Kistarr	07 Jul 2003
I find that common interests are helpful in the beginning of the relationship. If you share some interests it will give you something to talk about on those first few dates while you are 'feeling each other out'. Afterwards having different interests helps. Variety is the spice of life. You may grow to enjoy some of your partners other interests. In my relationship, we are as different as night and day in many ways but somehow seem to mesh well. I'm shy, he's very social. I'm the worrier and he's the rock. I'm more set in my way and he's more adventurous. I've been introducing him to many different types of films and music that he may not have chosen to see/hear on his own. And he's been introducing me to different foods from various cultures and helping me to open up more to people. Together we are broadening each others horizons and it has been a welcome event. However if you find some of his/her interest don't appeal...consider this free time. Nobody says you have to be joined at the hip. LOL. My fiance is really into miniature fantasy games like Mordheim, I really don't care either way so when he's spending his Saturday afternoon's playing, I go visiting my friends and family. Afterwards I listen politely as he rehashes the 'thrills' of his day. I don't understand it but I listen 'cause he's talking about something that means a lot to him. I'm happy to see him happy. Likewise he will listen to me as I talk about my interests in the Tarot, numerology, the Chinese Zodiac and Feng Shui. He's even gone so far as to let me pick our new apartment by checking which direction it 'sits' to. Usually cracks begin in the relationships not because of differences in interests so much as differences in fundamental world views. As long as you share similarities in work ethic or views on family and morals, you should be okay. For example I could never live happily with a man who drinks heavily or has a lax view of right and wrong. Also, I could never stay with someone who sees a relationship as easy or a game. Relationships take lots of hard work if they're going to work out. That's my two cents. *^_^*

The common intrest, are they necessary in a relationship? thread was originally posted on 22 Jun 2003 in the Spirituality board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Spirituality, or read more archived threads.