NEW tarot rituals..

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 03 Mar 2005, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Dark Inquisitor	03 Mar 2005
People start threads asking about tarot rituals quite a bit here. Wanting to know how everyone starts their readings, etc . Do you have your crystals nearby, your spreadcloth oriented to the moon or a picture of the president or Pazuzu, etc. I think the time has come for some of us to write NEW TAROT RITUALS. Maybe homey, maybe scary. Maybe sinister. Maybe even erotic. Or neurotic.Maybe even serious and thoughtful . Whatever you think best.

ncefafn	03 Mar 2005
I put my cards in a waterproof plastic bag and let them sit at the bottom of the toilet tank for a week before I use them. (HINT: Only use bowl cleaners when your deck is in the tank, as those little tank drop-in tablets will fizz the plastic bag open.)

Fulgour	03 Mar 2005
Abraham Lincoln used to keep a deck of Tarot cards in his stove pipe top hat, and just read them as they so happened to drop out. This "ritual" started after what author Carl Sandburg recorded as, The Hardscrabble Rune Reading Years (Parts I II III & IV 1935).

Dark Inquisitor	04 Mar 2005
ncefafn wrote: I put my cards in a waterproof plastic bag and let them sit at the bottom of the toilet tank for a week before I use them. (HINT: Only use bowl cleaners when your deck is in the tank, as those little tank drop-in tablets will fizz the plastic bag open.) I only do that one on decks I don't like, to teach them a lesson. I will have to watch for the ghost of that runester Sandburg trying to deliver milk or a newspaper around here.. I had no idea ! Perhaps a ritual for the humility of all querents might be appropriate to start with . I think the priestess of the tarot should sit on a very high elaborate chair and the sniveling seeker should sit on a hard low stool, or on a dusty spot on the floor. The priestess should have access to a wand with a long reach in case the seeker tries to either disagree or escape without paying. The reading should open with a prayer to the goddess : Goddess in the earth My word is law Let no entities speak That will not obey None can enter Who are not willing and prosperous blahblahblah. The seeker is then given chores to do while the priestess shuffles and chants and watches daytime tv. The seeker returns to sit on the formerly dusty spot (now clean) , and the reading is given . No questions are allowed , and then the seeker prepares lunch and gives payment. At parting , if the seeker has been compliant, the priestess of the tarot will bestow a token of good faith such as a small crystal or business card.

Fulgour	04 Mar 2005
Carl Sandburg's nephew had a son whose granddaughter is a Podiatrist in Rambling Boodle, Illinois (population 379). She does spot readings for sufferers with ingrown toenails by subtracting the size of shoe they come in wearing from what their actual shoe size should be. Adding this number to their bill she's able to give out very practical readings.

Rhiannon	04 Mar 2005
Tarot Ritual for the Neurotic First, pick a deck from your massive collection. (Your collection will be massive because you can't believe that any of the decks you have is "the one") Agonize over this decision for at least an hour before making your selection. Second, choose a spread. Again, debate on what information you really want to glean from the cards relating to your question, this should probably take at least another hour. Third, prepare the space where you are going to read. Flip-flop for a while about whether or not it is disrespectful to read on the nice, big, empty expanse of rug in your living room... or if you should clean all the mail off of your kitchen table, lay out a nice spread cloth, light candles, burn incense, dance nekkid, etc. Ask your question while shuffling a gazzillion times because you're not sure if the cards are thouroughly mixed until at least a gazzillion. Worry that you may not have worded your question correctly. Lay out your cards. Fall asleep before you can interpret them because you're just plain exhausted by all the worrying! ;)

ncefafn	05 Mar 2005
When I'm ready to do a reading, I prepare by standing in tree pose for 12 hours, left leg only. [edited due to poor taste!] Kim

Raven Reed	08 Mar 2005
New tarot rituals for the obsessive-compulsive. Count the cards to make certain they are all there. Do it again. One more time just to make sure, after all, one might have fallen out while you were counting them last time... Oh, never mind, I do that anyway. Hey- wait a minute!

Rosanne	08 Mar 2005
Take one Twister mat and with felt tip pen write the 22 Majors in the circles provided. Draw four cards. Make Querent place each hand and foot in position of cards drawn on Twister mat. The nearest circle to Querents head is the card answer to the question. There will possibly be reversals if the querents head ends up between the legs. If the querent falls over it is a negative outcome; if they remain in Twister pose for 15 minutes - No charge. Light candles around Mat to enhance danger, and so they can read the answering card. The reader dresses up, the Querent undresses to increase vunerability. Can also be used for group readings, but more candles are required.

full deck	08 Mar 2005
You guys should get an award; this is some funny stuff.

Dark Inquisitor	08 Mar 2005
Touch the deck to your nose 3 times before the reading, then inhale the cards deeply for maximum understanding. Breathe out all your accumulated ignorance. Before reading with a new deck, it must be hidden under the eldest family member's bed for 3 days when the moon is full. If it is discovered, it must be returned to the store and exchanged for a completely different deck. That deck was not THE ONE. Any new querent must agree to be blindfolded before the reading. If they peek and catch you making faces at them, it is a sign they are not worthy and may not visit again. If you suspect your deck has become contaminated with evil , get in your car and find a bridge over a river. Drive back and forth over it as fast as you can, leaving the evil spirits confused on the shore. Leaving an obstinate deck on a newly dug grave at midnight will teach it not to trifle with you again. When the sun comes up, it can be retrieved as long as you are wearing dark clothing and carrying a bible. If your nosy relatives discover your collection, tell them you are doing a research paper on superstition in modern life. After they leave, burn all their pictures on your backyard altar, commonly known as a barbecue grill . Save the ashes in a bag and whenever you visit their homes, leave some behind in unexpected places. Their subconscious minds will pick up on the possible implications and not broach the subject again.

ncefafn	08 Mar 2005
Every night before going to bed, cradle your deck in your arms and sing it "Too-ra-loo-ra-loora." If it spits up, bounce it up and down on your shoulder until its stomach is calm and it stops crying.

ros	08 Mar 2005
How about running buck naked under the moonlight until you have said all the names of the cards. For the Minors you run frontwards and then reverse for the Majors, then your done. The reading will be a wonderful experience for the client but only if you do this first & of course they will know if you don't!

Rhiannon	08 Mar 2005
Before reading tarot for the first time (this one is mostly for newbies) you must undergo a Sacred Quest. What is this quest, you ask? Well, if you'll shut up for a minute, I was about to tell you. Now, sit there like a good acolyte and listen. Firstly, thou must drive across country and seek out the Temple of Oolatek (aka Baaphymotept) the Seditious One. Thou must approach the Temple on hands and knees whilst balancing your tarot deck on your head. Once you have reached the Temple, you must seek out the mouthpiece of Oolatek the Seditious One, Umbrae. After the mouthpiece has finished instructing you in the Sacred Art of Tarot, you may consider yourself worthy of further study and you may begin reading tarot. If this Sacred Quest is not undertaken, you are surely doomed for all eternity in the realm of tarot. Your cards will never speak clearly to you. Abandon all hope, ye who do not seek out Oolatek!

Dark Inquisitor	08 Mar 2005
No advertising !!

bassetized	08 Mar 2005
To clear your deck of negative energy: Light smudge stick of choice. Fan out cards and waft them gently through the smoke until the edges catch on fire. Wave smoldering deck vigorously in air while walking to tabletop fountain. (You DO have a tabletop fountain for soothing vibes, right?) Immerse deck in fountain until steam rises. (If you don't have a fountain, use the kitchen sink. Don't use the toilet, though--it will anger the spirits.) Remove deck, lay out on table and strike a chime or bell over deck until steam stops rising (or 7 times, whatever). Wrap deck in black or purple silk only. At midnight (or some other time the neighbors won't see), bury deck in fresh-turned earth. Leave until the next new moon or until your dog digs up the deck, whichever comes first. Deck is now cleansed.

Umbrae	08 Mar 2005
As the supplicant enters the Temple of Ooolatek the Seditious One Who Tells Only Lies, they will notice a sign that outlines the rules of our disorder. Rule One: Practice thy kegel exercises. Rule Two: Like Bokonism, we believe that ‘All religions are founded upon lies – including this one.’ Rule Three: You must take a LWB, and sacrifice it on the altar of flames. Rule Four: If you don’t sleep with your Tarot, you should sleep with someone you love. Rule Five: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Rule Six: We have no rules. All who follow the rules will then follow signs stating, “This way to the Egress”. All those who do not follow the rules will then follow the signs stating, “This way to the Egress”. As you pass through the Temple of Ooolatek the Seditious One Who Tells Only Lies, you may notice exhibits and displays. Please feel free to enjoy them. They are there for your discomfort and discontent (off to your right is my favorite) – you will hear the chanting as you pass, “There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south There is no north without south…” Off to your left you will hear: “You've got to accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between You've got to spread joy up to the maximum Bring gloom down to the minimum Have faith or pandemonium Liable to walk upon the scene (To illustrate his last remark Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark What did they do Just when everything looked so dark) Man, they said we better Accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between No, do not mess with Mister In-Between Do you hear me, hmm? (Oh, listen to me children and-a you will hear About the elininatin' of the negative And the accent on the positive) And gather 'round me children if you're willin' And sit tight while I start reviewin' The attitude of doin' right (You've gotta accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between) You've got to spread joy (up to the maximum) Bring gloom (down) down to the minimum Otherwise (otherwise) pandemonium Liable to walk upon the scene To illustrate (well illustrate) my last remark (you got the floor) Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark What did they say (what did they say) Say when everything looked so dark Man, they said we better Accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between No! Don't mess with Mister In-Between (Thank you Johny Mercer) :smoker: As you find the Egress, please leave a donation, you’re ready to begin…

Fulgour	09 Mar 2005
Dark Inquisitor wrote: People start threads asking about tarot rituals quite a bit here. Wanting to know how everyone starts their readings, etc . Do you have your crystals nearby, your spreadcloth oriented to the moon or a picture of the president or Pazuzu, etc. I think the time has come for some of us to write NEW TAROT RITUALS. Maybe homey, maybe scary. Maybe sinister. Maybe even erotic. Or neurotic. Maybe even serious and thoughtful . Whatever you think best. Seems your cleverly 'disguised' Tarot Games & Fun threads have attracted the attention of some others than planned. Renaming reversals? NEW Rituals? All the Signs were there! Well as I dust off my awfully dusty offerings such it is with all such attempts. Of course there are Tarot Parties! Aack!

WalesWoman	10 Mar 2005
I think first you have to consult the horoscoop to make sure everything will be favorable, you can't read if you are having a bad hair day or if a calico cat looks at you sideways or if the Moon is in Uranus. Push everything cluttering up your table onto the chairs or floor so you have plenty of room to do a 10 deck spread so you can ask if you should even bother trying to read your 1 card daily. Then make sure you have every rainbow colored crystal balancing on each of your chakras while doing some deep breathing and relaxation, centering techniques while standing on your head. Don't forget the rainbow assortment of candles, to cover all the bases, spread around you in a big protective circle, just watch where you sit down. Keep your cards close to you at all times, some may need a wheel barrow or large truck to do this. If you don't have pockets you can keep them in your socks, or down the front of your shirt. You can tell the non-tarot people in your life, it's a pacemaker. I don't know how some folks get any sleep at night with all those decks under their pillow, but it does come in handy when reading or watching TV in bed, it you stack them on an incline. If someone finally gives you a deck, then you need to burn all those bad luck ones that you bought...other wise the gifted deck will give you nothing but bad readings. Don't sneeze on your cards or they will get stuffed up and the messages will sound fubby and thrande and make doe thenthe at aw. I never read for myself, so I never read unless it's here because that is also bad luck and if I don't like the cards I get I can just keep adding more cards to clarify what I don't know until I run out and have to start using other decks. When doing a spread for someone else, chant to yourself, this isn't for me, this isn't for me, this isn't for me and for sure the cards will apply to your life rather than the querants. Wash your hands afterwards and flush the toilet 10 times to rid yourself of any negative energy. I'm sure I forgot something...maybe it's the happy outcome chant while jumping up and down and rubbing the troll's tummy.

Simone	10 Mar 2005
Umbrae wrote: Rule One: Practice thy kegel exercises. LOL :D I this to strengthen the PC's muscles for online readings ;)?

Ulfdis	11 Mar 2005
Well, first, y'all gotta find yer granpappy's spit-cup, the one Aunt Etheline kept on top 'a her ironin' board. Then ya gotta cut a hick'ry switch, keep 'em young'uns outta yer way. Then you gotta bring an offering to the covenstead that trained ya. Go down past the Baptist church and past the swamp, then ya turn off the paved road to get to Lady Possumpixie's place. You can't miss it, she's got that big ol' altar set up on the tailgate of their '79 Ford. Now yer offering's gotta be a fresh pouch of Red Man and either a jar of corn-squeezins or some beer. (I recommend the corn-squeezins.) Honk yer horn a coupla times and Lady Possumpixie will come out and accept yer offerings. Let her spit some of that Red Man into yer granpappy's spit cup. Now, ol' Possumpixie's got a whole passel of young'uns, so that's why you got that hickory switch, they ain't allowed to touch the offerings 'til they's old enough. Lady Possumpixie will commune with the spirits of the dead, 'specially Elvis and Patsy Cline, by gazing into the bugzapper she keeps on the porch for scrying and them skeeters. She'll teach you everything y'all need to know.

ncefafn	11 Mar 2005
Ulfdis wrote: Well, first, y'all gotta find yer granpappy's spit-cup, the one Aunt Etheline kept on top 'a her ironin' board. Shew! That just shows what you know. I didn't have no Aunt Etheline, I had a Aunt Betty Jane, and she didn't have no ironin' board, she had a arnin' board. Hmmph. Flatlanders.

Rhiannon	11 Mar 2005
Possumpixie, roflmao, I just can't stand it! :D

Ulfdis	12 Mar 2005
ncefafn wrote: Shew! That just shows what you know. I didn't have no Aunt Etheline, I had a Aunt Betty Jane, and she didn't have no ironin' board, she had a arnin' board. Hmmph. Flatlanders. GASP!!! You guessed my dirty little secret... I live in S. Carolina, but I was born and raised in... Montana. And my wife's a d**n Yankee.

psychic sue	12 Mar 2005
Whenever I think of Montana I think of Frank Zappa - do any of you "older" people remember his song about raising a crop of dental floss in Montana? So funny. As a new ritual, I am thinking about having a wee before I read, as I always seem to want one half way through. :)

Simone	12 Mar 2005
psychic sue wrote: As a new ritual, I am thinking about having a wee before I read, as I always seem to want one half way through. :) *giggle* Yes! That makes sense :D And drink the tea at the end, not at the beginning to avoid having to pilgrimate to the restroom "during" ;)

WalesWoman	15 Mar 2005
How about only having a table, then after laying out the cards, say...you may want to sit down for this. Would you like a shot of whiskey now or later?

bassetized	15 Mar 2005
psychic sue wrote: Whenever I think of Montana I think of Frank Zappa - do any of you "older" people remember his song about raising a crop of dental floss in Montana? So funny. Oh yes! This crone-let (still holding back full crone-dom by a few hairs that aren't gray) remembers Dental floss and Catholic girls and eating yellow snow and Ms. P-I-N-K-Y and Joe's Garage. Maybe we should have a shot of whiskey and a wee before the reading, have a shot and a wee after the reading, and listen to Zappa during the reading. I don't have a Rock 'n' Roll Tarot but I have a Tarot of the Trance and a Cosmic Tribe. :D (grinning broadly because I'm so old I don't remember how to make a stoned smiley face) --bassetized

psychic sue	16 Mar 2005
bassetized wrote: Oh yes! This crone-let (still holding back full crone-dom by a few hairs that aren't gray) remembers Dental floss and Catholic girls and eating yellow snow and Ms. P-I-N-K-Y and Joe's Garage. Maybe we should have a shot of whiskey and a wee before the reading, have a shot and a wee after the reading, and listen to Zappa during the reading. I don't have a Rock 'n' Roll Tarot but I have a Tarot of the Trance and a Cosmic Tribe. :D (grinning broadly because I'm so old I don't remember how to make a stoned smiley face) --bassetized I think we are of the same generation. My personal favourite is Bobby Brown! Oh Frank was SOO ahead of his time. He makes Eminem look tame! I like the idea of the whisky - but not so keen on the Wee !

Eco74	16 Mar 2005
To reach the enlightened state needed to be able to perform the reading, ask the querent to sit perfectly still and breathe quietly so that you can focus. Then wait... When the querent moves, sigh and say "stop doing that please" and then take a shot of scotch and continue waiting. - Repeat til you feel tipsy enough, til you would not be able to contain you laughter at the next sigh or until clients legs are sound asleep, whichever comes first. - Then, toss the cards up in the air and read only the ones that land on the table no matter if its the front or back that's showing. Have the querent collect the cards that fell on the floor and count them to make sure all the cards are there before s/he leaves. During the cleanup say things like "as you clean this floor, so you clean your mind of concern" and "as you count these cards, you do count your blessings" in a monotonous tone of voice but att odd intervals.

bassetized	16 Mar 2005
psychic sue wrote: I like the idea of the whisky - but not so keen on the Wee ! Let me re-phrase. Maybe we should go and take a wee and have a shot of whiskey before and after the reading. :| But I'm more keen on the whiskey part of it myself, so let's drink one to Frank, who was indeed way ahead of his time. --bassetized

psychic sue	17 Mar 2005
A toast to Frank Zapper - who made me laugh so much I nearly wet myself (wee again?) Cheers! :)

Cagedflame	17 Mar 2005
Whiskey? Gross! I vote for rituals involving vodka. Vodka is much nicer. A notion from a former friend of a current friend : in order to get accurate readings, you must call a 'wraith' into your deck to guide you, which appears to be some sort of ghost or shadow spirit.

psychic sue	17 Mar 2005
There is a whole thread on this question, but I think it's in subscribers now. Many of us call our spirit guides to help us. Try it. You will be pleasantly surprised. Sue x

Cagedflame	17 Mar 2005
I call on... entities... to help me sometimes, too, but according to her, you MUST do this. In her view, the deck wouldn't work w/o permanently (well, at least 'there until banished') embedding a spirit of the wraith type into the deck itself, because those spirits were what made tarot work, knowing things and selecting the cards for you.

psychic sue	18 Mar 2005
Very interesting. I will google Wraith and see what I can find out.

Cagedflame	18 Mar 2005
I'd find it an interesting idea if it weren't for two things - that when anyone says YOU MUST DO IT THIS WAY AND ONLY THIS WAY my Automatic Skeptic Circuits kick in, and the fact that she insisted that you also must never buy your own deck. Not one that sounds like a reliable source in my book.

psychic sue	18 Mar 2005
Agreed, but it is worth finding out a little bit about it anyway, just for interest.

Lutenist	20 Mar 2005
Here is a little spell you can use in your rituals. especially those in possession of newly acquired decks will find it of great benefit. Toss the little book in white, cast it into flames. Make it burn, burn it bright, call it names, ignite.

Cerulean	20 Mar 2005
After ear-rie assault from too many rapped basslines from driving on a weekend evening...I must channel and clear the unmusical entities from too many rapper delights with the fire and brimstone of bad, terribly-no-good, horrible words. Now mind you, I don't do this full ritual myself, but after one or two mumblings of this, I can clear everyone else's horrible rhymes out of my head--I just have to clear my own, which is another story. Please be warned that the full ritual will lead to many with sensitive issues to run howling to the nearest exit--keep all doors and windows open, for fear of breakage. Follow this ditty first with your eyes, mumble it for once or twice, that should do the trick. But if you really need to do heavy-duty cleansing, then proceed to open the doors/windows of your immediate surroundings, draw the blinds and make certain screens are in place (for modesty shading) and then as directed: Ho-key-poo-key, don-cha-think-twice Shim-mey-out-ta-those-pants, pass-the-ice Toss-the-shirt-ee-off, put-your-left-foot-out Take-your-rite-foot-in, pull-out-the-dice Spin-the-bot-tle, rat-tle-dem-bones-and-shout Can-na-do-a-read-ing, got-no-ad-vice Sor-rey-dears-dis-took-a-long-time Hard-to-find-an-end-to-bad-rime. I almost forgot, a bucket of ice and a nearby robe would be a handy thing. Jumping into the shower is advised as the next move. If you don't have shades--towels, sheets and blankets draped over outside openings will allow non-physical entities to pass through outside and assist one's neighbors to only catch a snatch or two of your ritualized verse. As for your local household entities, they are likely used to you by now, so they should be back, any day now. Regards, Cerulean

ncefafn	29 Mar 2005
First, I want to make clear that I did not write this. It showed up on CompTarot maybe a year or so ago, and was written by someone named Kestra. Who Kestra is, I have no idea, but I loved this so much, I saved it to my computer. I re-read it today and felt that it should be shared with this community. So here it is, Kestra's Tarot Invocation: Kestra wrote: My Personal Invocation Well, since you asked... I generally do a full circle before any tarot reading. And the circle goes like this: In Circle, I shall be referred to as Little Rabbit Foo Foo, Priest of the Triple God of Elvis, Jean Luc Picard, and L. Ron Hubbard. The three that are one. Make It So. Now, I know I said it was a circle, but it isn't really a circle. It's more a three dimensional 24 sided big blue neon vortex with fringe on top. But I am not supposed to tell you that since you haven't been initiated into the Top Secret Security Clearance Circle of Elvis Luc Hubbard. So just pretend it's a circle. Anyway, first, I turn in the direction of Graceland. I light a crack pipe and invoke "oh Elvis...come and get it you fat bastard." When I hear the strains of "Hound Dog" I know that he is with me. Next, I turn in the direction of Star Fleet Academy, fire a phaser and invoke "Oh holy bald one, my lord mighty Picard. Bring thy holy tight buns into my presence. Make it so." When I hear William Shatner cry "But *I* am the Captain of the Enterprise," I know he is with me. Lastly, I turn towards the nearest Borders book shop and invoke, "Oh L Ron who started a religion on a bet with Frederick Pohl. Please show me your divine dianetics." When I hear "That will be 19.95 if you call before midnight tomorrow." I know he is with me. Then I begin my reading. "Now that you're all here, I ask that you shuffle my cards and smite my enemies for they be smelly and not very nice, and I take regular showers. Grant me the Smite Key of Doom thus that I can delete them without care." When I hear a great snickering, I know they have heard me. Then I may close the circle. I raise my arms to the skies and say,"I'm done with you. Get out, you bastards." They seem to like that. by Kestra

bassetized	29 Mar 2005
ncefafn: I'm laughing too hard to even put my favorite parts of Kestra's invocation into quotes. :D Thanks for sharing--made my day. --bassetized

The NEW tarot rituals.. thread was originally posted on 03 Mar 2005 in the Tarot Games & Fun board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Tarot Games & Fun, or read more archived threads.