asking the deck questions relating to others

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 25 Aug 2004, and now archived in the Forum Library.

tinkerbell	25 Aug 2004
i'd really like to know if others ask questions of their cards with regard to other people (eg, friends or family),without that person actually having anything to do with the cards. i find that i have a lot of friends that are very sceptical about tarot and other forms of divination and so consequently, i would never dream of offering to read their cards, (i only read when i'm asked). i'm still very much a newbie but i have noticed that when i shuffle the cards and ask for advice about which direction they should take, loads of interesting and appropriate stuff comes out! sadly i feel i can't really relay this advice back to them a lot of the time but it does feel relevant to their situations.i'm also finding it's great practice!i'd love to know if this is a common use of tarot, or if it's frowned upon because the deck dosen't actually pick up any of the (absent) querents energy! love and light, wendy

Kahlie	25 Aug 2004
I'm divided in this issue. I think you can't read cards for somebody who is not there, and has not given permission. I see it as snooping. I know some people who use Tarot, who know me personally, and I asked them specifically NOT to ask questions pertaining me to the cards. Unless they themselves are involved too. On the other hand, I think that if you are not meant to know, then the cards wouldn't tell you. So as a general rule, I don't ask the cards about others, unless it pertains me too. (A relationship spread, a friendship spread or something like that). If I become excessively worried and thinking I might to give somebody a call, I can draw some cards on the question if I should call or not.

Thirteen	25 Aug 2004
It's more a question of ethics than prediction. Because you certainly CAN ask the cards about anyone or anything. Certainly people will ask you "Is my boyfriend cheating on me?" or "Does this girl like me?" and "What's up with my son, he's acting strangely." And you can find plenty of readings done in "My Readings" down below where people say, "I did a reading about my roommate. I'm worried about her...." or even, in a few alarming cases, "My sister ran away, and I did a reading to find her...." etc. In short, we all do a lot of readings on people who aren't there. It's very common. It is not, however, always ethical or, more importantly, healthy for you, the reader. Spending your day doing readings for people who aren't there...? But here's your real problem--you're not offering to do a reading for them. What's this, "I only do readings when asked," stuff? Why? Just because they're skeptical doesn't mean they don't want a reading "for the fun of it." And just because you take the readings seriously, doesn't mean you can't do them "for the fun of it," either. Remember also that the most important job of the cards isn't divination. It isn't them saying, "You'll meet a tall, dark handsome stranger!"--it's saying, "You're having trouble in your marriage and here's why...." or "You're ambivilant about this job--and the reason is because it's not for you...here's why...." It's all about CLARIFICATION. Showing people where they are in their life, who they are, and what they want or what mistake they're making all over again. If the cards can show the person this, make them say, "Wow. I never thought about that, but it's so true." Then it makes no difference if they believe or don't believe they'll meet that tall, dark handsome stranger predicted in the near future card. So it's time to stop being shy or afraid of ridicule or rejection. You're a tarot reader and you need the practice. Own up to it. It's time to ask. Lightly, easily. "Hey, can I give you a reading? I need the practice." Or "Hey, I brought my deck. Anyone want a quick reading?" And if they don't, they don't. If they do, then you can finally give them that good advice you're chewing at the bit to offer. And by the by--once the cards give you any information, it's yours to dispense as you please. You don't have to tell anyone you got it from the cards.

Ace	26 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Kahlie I'm divided in this issue. I think you can't read cards for somebody who is not there, and has not given permission. I see it as snooping. I know some people who use Tarot, who know me personally, and I asked them specifically NOT to ask questions pertaining me to the cards. Unless they themselves are involved too. I have decided that I agree on that-that it is unethical and I refuse to read for someone who has not said it was OK. (this came up this summer, and the man querent called his wife over and got her permission to read her!) SO if someone wants me to read about their relationship with their boyfriend, I ask: what can she do to improve her relationship (or whatever is the question-from the Querents viewpoint) but NOT "does he love her?"

Original Destiny	27 Aug 2004
It certainly is a question of ethics. If someone asks for a specific reading pertaining to another person i always point out that i can only do a reading for themselves. if the other person crops up in that reading all well and good. However i have on occasions done a reading for a close friend or relative if i "feel" i have to contact them and cannot reach them by normal routes. I dont do an indepth reading just a general enquiry to satisfy the feeling of needing to get in touch. I always tell them that i looked at their cards just to satisfy my concern and tell them what i saw. As yet no one has objected and they are usually grateful for my concern

raeanne	27 Aug 2004
Hi all, I don’t have a problem with asking the tarot a question about someone else. We ask questions about other people all the time. I don’t think you need to get permission from anyone. Look at this situation without tarot involved. Let’s say you have a friend, Mary, who has been very quite and withdrawn lately. You are worried about her. You have another friend, Susie, who knows both you and Mary. If you didn’t have tarot, what would you do. Did Mary give you permission to talk to Susie about her? Would you talk to Susie anyway? Is this “snooping”? Is it unethical? We gather information about other people all the time. To me, it’s what you do with that information that is either ethical or unethical.

Kahlie	27 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by raeanne Hi all, I don’t have a problem with asking the tarot a question about someone else. We ask questions about other people all the time. I don’t think you need to get permission from anyone. Look at this situation without tarot involved. Let’s say you have a friend, Mary, who has been very quite and withdrawn lately. You are worried about her. You have another friend, Susie, who knows both you and Mary. If you didn’t have tarot, what would you do. Did Mary give you permission to talk to Susie about her? Would you talk to Susie anyway? Is this “snooping”? Is it unethical? We gather information about other people all the time. To me, it’s what you do with that information that is either ethical or unethical. If Susie was a good friend, she'd tell you, go and ask Mary yourself.... If somebody would come to me in that situation, I'd tell them, take it up with the person you are worried about. Show you care, etc. etc. Now, asking the Tarot, since it gives accurate answers, is almost like going over to Mary's house, checking her trash, eyeing everything, BUT talk to her...

juju	27 Aug 2004
I personally don't agree with asking about other people. It's definitely snooping and none of your business. If they want advice and you want to use the tarot to GIVE them advice- that is quite a different story. But if you are doing readings behind their backs it's unfair. If you are meant to know something - you will. Believe me. I will often learn of something about my friends without asking about them - then I can be assured I was meant to know it.

raeanne	28 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Kahlie If Susie was a good friend, she'd tell you, go and ask Mary yourself.... If somebody would come to me in that situation, I'd tell them, take it up with the person you are worried about. Show you care, etc. etc. Now, asking the Tarot, since it gives accurate answers, is almost like going over to Mary's house, checking her trash, eyeing everything, BUT talk to her... You and I see things from very different points of view. Your responses seem very harsh. If Mary isn't talking to me because of a misunderstanding, I certainly hope Susie doesn't just say 'go ask Mary'. Not offering to help is, to me, just too cold-hearted. IMO asking the Tarot for assistance is VERY DIFFERENT from going through someone's trash. I respect your position but I just don't agree. ***Edited to add*** I want to add that I don't use Tarot for non-essential things. I would not ask the Tarot is Mary was going to buy a new outfit or if she had tacos for lunch. To me those are unimportant questions and I would have no need to know the answer. For important issues, like saving a life, I will use ALL tools available to me.

Kahlie	28 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by raeanne You and I see things from very different points of view. Your responses seem very harsh. If Mary isn't talking to me because of a misunderstanding, I certainly hope Susie doesn't just say 'go ask Mary'. Not offering to help is, to me, just too cold-hearted. IMO asking the Tarot for assistance is VERY DIFFERENT from going through someone's trash. I respect your position but I just don't agree. ***Edited to add*** I want to add that I don't use Tarot for non-essential things. I would not ask the Tarot is Mary was going to buy a new outfit or if she had tacos for lunch. To me those are unimportant questions and I would have no need to know the answer. For important issues, like saving a life, I will use ALL tools available to me. There is a post above that. That clearly says for me, and *I*. I don't judge people who do that, it's your own choice. But for me, it feels like that. If you felt offended by my opinion, sorry. If you have a misunderstanding with Susie, and you use the Tarot to see how she's doing... You are not doing what you are supposed to do. Namely talk with her to solve the issue. Obviously you want to know, so you still care, so you should try to talk with her. Now, as stated before, if you ask questions pertaining you and her. Like: "How can I solve his issue between me and Mary", or "what can I do to end the conflict" I could understand. But asking "How is Mary doing" feels wrong to me, as a person. If I'm worried, I might ask the Tarot :"Should I try to contact Mary asap". As for saving lives... I assume you mean missing person cases? I think then I would ask "How can I best assist Mary". You still use the tools, but you focus them on you, not the other person. For me that makes a significant difference.

Thirteen	28 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Kahlie If you have a misunderstanding with Susie, and you use the Tarot to see how she's doing... You are not doing what you are supposed to do. Namely talk with her to solve the issue. I understand what you're saying...but I have to agree that it's a little...strict to expect people to interact this way. Perhaps they SHOULD interact this way. Perhaps the world would be a better place if they did, more honest and such. But people don't. Let me give you an example: a friend of mine married a man her father did not approve of--her father being a bigot and the man his daughter married of a different race. The father refused to talk to his daughter. Just flat out refused. This didn't mean that the daughter stopped caring about the father. So how was she to find out how her father was doing? He would *not* talk to her, would *not* resolve the issue with her. Her only option was to ask another how her father was doing. Eventually the issue was resolved, and they're back on speaking terms. But it took a few years. Should she have just stopped caring or accepted that she was not to know? Again, perhaps that moral absolute is the way to go, but people don't work that way. Relationships are complicated, shaded with nuiances and, most importantly, misunderstandings. People have falling outs over the oddest things. And not only temperment, but the way they were raised personally and culturally, set the range of response they're capable of. In certain cultures, avoiding embrassment is the most important thing. In others, respecting certain caste systems of, say, age is most important. And this doesn't even begin to get into how a person was personally raised, the way the family communicated, the experiences they've had that have made them sensitive to certain issues. An innocent remark can push someone's button and suddenly, they're not speaking to you. Suddenly, the only way to resolve an issue is through an intermediary. And what are you to do while a friend or a priest or a lawyer interceeds and tries to restore the relationship? Do you stop caring? Do you accept that you're not meant to know? We all have our ethics. We all put our own moral limits on what we feel should and should not be done with these cards. I'm just saying that given the complexities of human interactions, which not only involve miscommunication, but cultural and personal differences in how we interact, there are few ethical absolutes. And while it is a regretable and often reprehensible human weakeness to want to snoop, gossip, spy and circulate rumors, I think, in this case, it's better to look at the intent behind the action rather than just the action itself. Why a person is reading cards for someone who isn't there is, I think, a more accurate yardstick of whether ethics have been breeched or not.

cartarum	28 Aug 2004
actually, the energy you share because you know eachother, is enough for the cards. you can read on people you dont even know. i wouldnt feel bad particularly about reading for others who are absent. besides, its not easy to get real information from the cards about a person unless you have studied hard. basically, if you can, then do. but at the first sign of problems, you should not continue. ~A~

Aun	28 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by raeanne To me, it’s what you do with that information that is either ethical or unethical. I am with you Reanne. That's exactly how I feel when it comes to read about others. :smoker:

raeanne	29 Aug 2004
Quote: Originally posted by Kahlie If you have a misunderstanding with Susie, and you use the Tarot to see how she's doing... You are not doing what you are supposed to do. Namely talk with her to solve the issue. I'm not doing what I'm SUPPOSED to do????? I guess my Book of Life is missing that page. Could you please copy and post it for me?

tinkerbell	03 Sep 2004
thanks for all your interesting points of view! thirteen, you were absolutely right to advise me to offer those readings out to friends!! i guess because i'm still such a newbie i was afraid of "stalling" in front of the cards and having a panic attack, etc but i realise that's all part of the learning process. i'm really surprised at the strength of feelings people have regarding this matter but in all honesty, i really never thought of it as snooping, just practicing reading the cards for absent friends. i think this has made me reassess asking about friends and family without their presence- i'm not saying i wouldn't do it again but i appreciate the ethics issue.thanks for all the good advice, love and light, wendy xx

Anna	03 Sep 2004
Wendy, I did a reading a while ago to get some insight into what was going on for my mother. I normally don't read the cards to find out about other people, but this situation was one were I felt it would help. And there are a few important things that came out of doing that I think; Firstly, my mother is my most willing victim when it comes to reading practice! I read for her at least once every few months, and I felt fairly certain that she would not have any problem with me using the cards to find out some more about the situation she was in. Especially as we had talked over the situation many times that week already. Secondly, I read because I was worried about her and as confussed as she was about the situation. And my spread reflected that. I wanted to get some clarity about what was going on and also some advice as to the best way for me to help her. Thirdly, I told her all about it. I did my reading just before going to visit, and I told her about which cards had come up and what I thought, and the people here who helped me out with the interpritation thought they meant. And it was really helpful! My mother was able find some clarity for herself about the situation, and she was very pleased that I had done the reading (as I was almost certain she would be). But, I don't know, I'm left feeling that doing this sort of spread is a last resort really. And I think that it is about intention too. My intention was to help my mother, and I felt that I had exhausted all other options and the situation was spiraling rapidly out of control. There are very few people I would read for without permission, and very few circumstances where I would also. I guess every rule has exceptions.

Nevada	03 Sep 2004
I think there are circumstances where it's appropriate to ask about other people. They're not common, and in most cases I would say to try another approach, such as talking to the person, as was suggested earlier. There are times when people cannot or will not ask for help, because they're afraid, unable or just don't know that it might do any good. I'm thinking of someone who's suicidal or being abused in some way, is mentally incapacitated, or in denial about a serious problem, such as addiction or symptoms of a serious illness. But if possible the question should be rephrased, to something like how can I best help, or relate to, so-and-so. And it should be followed up or supplemented with [someone] actually talking to the person. As for ethics, I'm not convinced you can do any harm by reading for others. We look at celebrities' astrological charts all the time, we read about politicians. Are they somehow harmed by this? I doubt it. I have a firm belief (which I don't expect others to adopt, it's simply my belief) that no one gives out information, psychically or otherwise, that they don't want to on some level, that we naturally shield and protect ourselves, that if someone really doesn't want you to gain access, you won't. People are sometimes unconscious of their own body language, or their aura contracting when they tell a lie. Is it wrong for us to see and take note of this? How can it be when it's right there in front of us? But being unconscious of what they're doing doesn't preclude deliberation on some level, possibly spiritual. So who is giving whom away? It's just not that cut and dried that you can say in all cases it's wrong to read another. Still, as Thirteen says, it's best to just come out and ask, in most cases, or to rephrase the question. I certainly agree that many people who don't take Tarot seriously, may still be willing to approach it in a spirit of fun. Nevada

The asking the deck questions relating to others thread was originally posted on 25 Aug 2004 in the Using Tarot Cards board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Using Tarot Cards, or read more archived threads.