When a beloved deck was given to you by someone who hurt you...

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 22 Oct 2004, and now archived in the Forum Library.

Niomi	22 Oct 2004
A friend of mine gave me a tarot deck, a deck which I love dearly. However, this friend has hurt me very deeply, and only recently am I beginning to realize it and try to get over the pain, instead of denying it exists. I still love the deck but using it reminds me of my friend and the pain they caused me. I have tried other decks, but I none feels quite as good as this deck used to feel. I've been avoiding tarot lately, something I once loved, for this reason. I want to clear my deck of my association with my friend. What can I do?

Mesara	22 Oct 2004
Hmmm... That sucks Niomi! I have faced this problem before, not with tarot cards exactly, but with other things that I loved so much but could not shake the taint of the giver's *essence* so to speak. However, since they were just objects, I was able to get over it and still keep them. Tarot cards present a whole other problem though........ Maybe try a magick cleansing ritual with your cards. Even if you don't believe in that sort of thing, just the act itself might bring a sense of closure to that person's connections with the cards. Use herbs that are special to you, candles that you like, write your own spell or incantation, and it might infuse the cards with your power, not your friends, even if only in your mind. It will mark a new beginning for you and your deck, and hopefully will make the deck seem more posessed with your own essence as opposed to the dark memories of your friend. Or, maybe just buy the same deck brand new yourself, and dispense of the old one. Although it's a pricey alternative, it might be enough to break that connection.

Sillanza	22 Oct 2004
I agree with Mesara's suggestions. If you're not going to use your "tainted" deck to read with, perhaps you could use the cards in another way since you feel so connected to this deck. You could paste them in a tarot journal, or make bookmarks or other crafty things. Maybe taking them singularly won't be as hard as trying to read with them.

Niomi	22 Oct 2004
I'm afraid buying another copy isn't an option, as it's only available in a deck/book set, and it's not available at my local new age store. I'm only 15, and even if I had the money (I don't) I have no way to get a hold of a credit card to order it off the internet (the way my friend bought it). Plus, in addition to the bad 'vibes' left by my friend, there are good ones too. Hours of use have gone into this deck, it feels well worn and well loved, like an old comfortable pair of shoes. I'm not sure if a new deck, even if I had the means to get it, would feel the same... unfortunately I don't even have the opportunity to find out. :( But sometimes I'm afraid that my sentimental attachment to the deck really doesn't have to do with the 'old worn out pair of shoes' feeling, but my attachment to my friend... even though I question if it's in my best interest to keep my relationship with them. I've been thinking about using sage, even though I'm not an active practicer of magic, simply because it's the common choice of people who know a lot more about these things than I do. Since my father thinks the "new age fad" is full of it, I'd have to get a ride with my mother and that would take awhile. Any suggestions about things I could do with items around the house would be appreciated. I have heard people put things in the smoke of burning sage to purify negative vibes on cards. If I did this with a candle, would it achieve the same effect? Is candle smoke different from sage smoke -- will candles damage the cards, while sage wouldn't?

magpie9	22 Oct 2004
Kitchen witch Speaks: You can use salt and sunshine to cleanse the cards. Put them in a baggie with a pinch of salt, and shake them up good. Then put them where the sun will shine on them (even overcast is OK) for a day. then shuffle and shake and wipe the salt off them, and see how they feel. The good will have stayed, and the bad will be gone. If you want to, you can bind the cards closely to you and your energy by taking a little cornmeal and one tiny drop of your blood. Mix them together, put that into a new baggie with the cards, and leave it like that for a day or 3. Shuffle shake wipe, and they will be fully yours, forever.

Niomi	22 Oct 2004
Thanks for the suggestions, Magpie9! Quote: Originally posted by magpie9 Then put them where the sun will shine on them (even overcast is OK) for a day. How long? I'm afraid of the sunlight making the color on the cards fade. Is this a reasonable worry? If it's not too much trouble, can you explain to me the symbolism and meaning behind this method? I'm curious. Quote: Originally posted by magpie9 If you want to, you can bind the cards closely to you and your energy by taking a little cornmeal and one tiny drop of your blood. Can you recommend a safe, hygienic, and relatively painless way to draw blood without the wound getting out of control? Also, again if it's not too much trouble, can you explain the meaning of cornmeal in this ritual? Could the salt and blood/cornmeal methods be combined? Thanks for your help, and I'm sorry if I asked too many questions. ^_^()

ambermoon	22 Oct 2004
Other ways to cleanse a deck are to spread the cards out where the sunlight or moonlight can touch them. An inside window sill for one day will be fine. Light has cleansing energies. Salt also purifies. So does the scent, the essential oil, of sage. If you have sage in the spice rack in the kitchen, rub a small amount briskly between your palms to release the scent, and then rub your hands over each card. The truth about all cleasing rituals is that the real power comes from you--the trappings are just to help you focus.

Niomi	22 Oct 2004
Thanks for the advice, Ambermoon! I'll look for sage in my kitchen after typing this... I know that the rituals of these methods are only for focus, so forgive me if I seem to eager to 'get it right'. It just helps to know the traditions behind these actions... what is it about sage or salt and which makes it thought to be cleansing, why would you choose cornmeal to mix with blood? The answers are interesting and enlightening.

magpie9	22 Oct 2004
salt= earth, and has always been used this way....It cleanses and purifies. I can't say that I conciously know why that is so, but I know it to be true, from long-time experience. You would have to leave the cards out for a very long time for the sun to fade them. Weeks. they probably won't need more than a day of sun. I do this with my decks now and again when they start feeling "stale", and I live in a mile high desert valley, where the sun is very very fierce. I've never had a problem with decks fading. Sunlight re-charges the energy, since all life depends on it. Cornmeal is used for the connection to earth, and it is grain, cereal, nourishment. It's not as messy or clumpy as flour. Or cheerios ! Again, it's what I learned when I was young, and have always used. Your Moon blood will work fine, with no harm. Or you can prick your finger with a pin. Unless you have a blood disorder, only a few drops will come out that way. Just make sure the pin and finger are very very clean. If you do it this way, pric on the side of your finger, not right on the tip--it's less painful, and won't be annoyed by using your finger afterwards. Your intention and focused attention figures largely in whatever you do by way of cleansing. If those are in good working order, it will be very hard to do it wrong, no matter what you do!

WalesWoman	22 Oct 2004
Are you sure it's the deck? I think you need to let go of what ever it is that is causing YOU this pain, the cleansing needs to begin within yourself. Tarot is a tool, you have put your energy into it to be sure, so maybe that needs to be taken care of, but first, heal yourself. Sorry if I sound all bossy, but really, it's not the cards fault you associate this person when you look at them. The person hurt you after the fact, by then your energy was in the cards, not that persons, so if something is not right...

skytwig	23 Oct 2004
I agree with Wales Woman.... the cards are only pointing out a deeper need.... Forgiveness will cleanse your heart. Yes, friends do harmful things at times, but we are hurt further if we allow anger and pain to stay in our soul. Can you meditate and find some way to release the anger? Can you still cherish what was good about the friendship? Can you pray for this person... when people hurt people, they are usually struggling with something... they, themselves, may be hurt..... The cards hold the preciousness of the goodness you two had together.... remember his/her goodness when you use the cards.... pray for his/her healing each time you pick up the cards.... Find the wisdom in this occurrence.... the cards help you. :)

RedMaple	23 Oct 2004
Quote: Originally posted by skytwig Forgiveness will cleanse your heart. Yes, friends do harmful things at times, but we are hurt further if we allow anger and pain to stay in our soul. I agree that forgiveness will help you heal, but it's important to know what that means. It does not mean that you have to try to be friends again. It does not mean that you need to accept abuse or hurt from anyone. It simply means letting go of your anger so that it doesn't twist you all up inside. Rituals can help with releasing this anger. Write on pieces of paper what the hurts were, what your feelings are. Then burn them, and flush the ashes down the drain. Say "I release you" three times. It is not as if a ritual will make all the pain go away immediately. It's more like a way of telling your subconscious what you want it to do. I think the sun and salt ritual is a good one. Another is to wipe each card with a damp cloth - water is also a purifier, salt water even more so. As you clean each card, think of wiping it clean of memories of this person, and seeing a new meaning in each card for this new time in your life? You can also make your own ritual. As I live in New England, and it is Fall, I might put my cards in an mesh bag and hang them outside on a windy night -- and let the wind blow all the bad feelings away. :) I usually rely on the elements - earth, wind, fire (sun), water -- they are strong and usually do the trick. Good luck. RedMaple

Kath	24 Oct 2004
I guess I'm just echoing others' responses here, but oh well :) If a cleansing/release ritual doesn’t work for the cards, how about doing one for the friend? Perhaps you can write on a piece of paper how you feel about your friend, and what they did to you. As you burn the paper focus on releasing the pain and anger you feel. If you’re like me, you may have trouble forgiving the person for what they did. So if you can’t forgive, then try and release the negative emotions, accept that they did this to you, and be grateful that they are now out of your life and can’t hurt you anymore. I hope it works, I know what it’s like to have beloved decks given to you by those who hurt you. Two of my favourite decks were gifts from my ex-husband. It was hard at first to use my decks, I found that eventually I was able to let the association between him and my decks go. I have made those decks ‘mine’, if that makes sense. Although they came from someone else, because he no longer plays a part in my life, I don’t let him play a part with my decks. :) Good luck :)

tmgrl2	24 Oct 2004
I ditto much of what has been said already, Niomi. Do the cleansings if you think that will help. Also, perhaps you could hold in intention as you use the deck to read, that this is a deck that can heal and be healed through use. The more you read with it and give guidance to others using it, you can see that something good is coming of the deck and that you are growing and moving past the history. terri

closrapexa	25 Oct 2004
Well, your friend hurt you, thats a fact. I believe that the deck is now ever more special than the other decks, since it now has a depth and feeling that the others just don't have. Treasure it; the "bad vibes" you may be feeling may be the experience of yet another lesson. Not that I'm saying that I would love for somebody to give me a deck and then hurt me, but if it already happened, well, there is no sense in denying it.

April	25 Oct 2004
I had a similar thing happen to me when I was in high school. I received the PoMo Tarot from my boyfriend when I was 15. About six months later we had an angry, yelling at each other in the halls in front of everyone kind of breakup. We then both proceeded to hold grudges on and off for the next two years (ahhh, love). I admit it was hard to look at that deck for a while, but it passed. The less I thought about him the easier it was to use it. Why did I keep the PoMo Tarot around that whole time? Maybe I knew it would go out of print and I would kick myself later :). But seriously, I was also young and had no money and I really, really, really wanted this deck. I wasn't going to let him poison it for me. Almost ten years later there are actually only good feelings and I still really like this deck. My advice: clean it, smudge it, set it in the moon/sun/starlight, put it in a drawer for awhile, whatever. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel better about the deck, but please don't get rid of it. When the pain subsides, and it will, you will start to feel better about the deck. I shudder to think of the things I would be giving up if I got rid of every present from someone I stopped speaking to. Peace, April

magpie9	25 Oct 2004
What April said !! :D The idea of the blood and cornmeal bit* is to make YOU fully realize that this is YOUR deck, no matter who gave it to you, and how that relationship worked out. And remember, that WHEN he gave it to you, it was a loving gift from someone who held you in his heart and wished you well. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! Chances are that time will mellow the whole situation in your mind and heart, and a day will come sometime in the future when you will be laying out your 'daily' with this deck and suddenly recall who gave it to you and feel a flash of nostalgic warmth. And then you will smile a little secret smile and be glad you kept the deck. ;) *By the way, thanks to all for the lovely tip-toe around what might have seemed to be an at least semi-barbaric practice. You have lovely manners, the lot of you. :)

Niomi	26 Oct 2004
Thanks for the advice everyone :) I know in my mind that my relationship with this person will never be the same, but I don't really believe it... I am trying to get my entire body, mind, and spirit to share a feeling of ending. I know the pain they caused me will not go away easily... and I know the only way to truly have peace is through forgiveness, but that takes awhile. Right now, I just want to get to the point where I can use my deck again without it bringing up painful memories, and missed moments... My deck has been in my open window for a few days. I've tried to meditate and visualize away my friend's association with the cards... however meditation isn't my strong point -- I tend to get distracted and frustrated, trying to focus so long. (short attention span) I waterproofed the deck with plastic and let it get rained on the other night. I also did use sage, crushed cheerios (there's no cornmeal in the house), and a bit of blood for various small rituals over the past few days. Now I'm just going to focus working with my deck just a little bit each day. The more I use it and the more time I spend with it, the more it'll be associated with my daily life, instead of my friend. I know my tarot deck and I have a lot of happy days ahead. :)

sungoddess	27 Oct 2004
Quote: Originally posted by magpie9 Kitchen witch Speaks: You can use salt and sunshine to cleanse the cards. Put them in a baggie with a pinch of salt, and shake them up good. Then put them where the sun will shine on them (even overcast is OK) for a day. then shuffle and shake and wipe the salt off them, and see how they feel. The good will have stayed, and the bad will be gone. This is an excellent idea... I'm going to keep this idea for further use...

krazymayj	27 Oct 2004
small chance deck will make you think of them, and taint the reading. just dont care and it wont matter. or throw it away.

Kit	28 Oct 2004
You probably have the whole problem sorted by now, but I have to echo krazymayj- If you still hang on to the negative thoughts and feelings you have associated with the deck in the past, it could taint your readings. "I am trying to get my entire body, mind, and spirit to share a feeling of ending" Good for you! Don't just cleanse the deck of hurt feelings and negative associations~ cleanse your mind of them too before you use the deck for reading. There have been some great cleansing rituals posted in this thread. I have to write them all down! All the best, Raeven

The When a beloved deck was given to you by someone who hurt you... thread was originally posted on 22 Oct 2004 in the Using Tarot Cards board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Using Tarot Cards, or read more archived threads.