how to give bad news

Thread originally posted on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum on 28 Apr 2005, and now archived in the Forum Library.

manuel ruiz	28 Apr 2005
hiya see i have this doubt, how do you give bad news to a consustant? last night a dear friend of mine, that her name is vero ask me if i she could consult somthing on my tarot and i told her yes!! she is married and has a little daugther, veronica is suspicious that her husband is cheating on her! so i did the 15 card general spread and in her present appeared the 2 of swords, the 3 of swords and the queen of cups. well the 2 of swords neans that you are in a difficult position, not wanting cofront the problems or to make a difficult choice! the 3 of swords is separation and then queen of cups is developing a romance! well for me her husband is cheating on her, and he is going to lleave her! but i couldnt tell her that, i just told her that her relationship was in the danger of a break up. so my question is, can anyone advaice me about giving bad news to a consultant!

Ahria	28 Apr 2005
The way I do it is I will give a very subdued message to see if they are willing to go down that path if they are they will ask more question else they will ignore it.

Reed	28 Apr 2005
Great advice. If the querent isn't ready to hear painful information, she will not push the point further.

Vadella	28 Apr 2005
I would either ask the person before the reading if they want the straight truth or if they want me to candy coat it. Personally, I want the straight truth. I don't need any candy coating on my already chaotic mind. :P The Lady I go to sometimes is vague. I have to ask her to tell me more about certain aspects she has brought up but I still feel as if she doesn't give me the full picture.

Thirteen	28 Apr 2005
If your friend asked this question than she's not just suspicious, she likely knows the truth. She came to you probably because she wants a lie. People come to "fortune tellers" to get good news--they'll win the lottery, that guy they're dating will leave his wife, etc, etc, etc. And no, they don't want to hear the harsh truth. Who wants to hear bad news? None of us! But not hearing it doesn't make it go away. That suspicious lump needs to be removed and you need treatment if you're going to live a long life--going to someone who lies to you and swears it's "nothing" is only going to end with the truth being, "It's too late now, we can't save you." Your job is to tell people what you see so they can make decisions. If you tell them lies--or even try to soften the blow--you take away from them information they need to make those decisions. Information the cards gave to you to give to them. The cards aren't going to lie to you. And you have to make it clear to those you read for that you won't lie to them. You'll tell them what you see, what the cards advise--because that's your job--to give them the message of the cards, however painful. This is how a reader earns their querent's trust. Remember this also: YOU aren't hurting this woman. The cheating husband is. The hurt is there, and it's not going away no matter what you tell her--or what she tells herself. But if you hedge the truth, and she learns it all later, then you removed from her a chance to act with foreknowledge--to remove the lump and get treatment. You haven't a right to do that. The cards gave her this message for a reason. What she does with it, even to disbelieving it, is up to her, but it's still hers to know. If she comes to you as a friend, you can support her, sooth her, give her a shoulder to cry on, tell her "everything's going to be okay," even if you don't think it will be. That's what friends are for. If she comes to you as reader, however, then you have to be honest. That's what readers are for.

manuel ruiz	28 Apr 2005
i am very thankfull to all of you for your advaice!! i will consoder it thanks manuel

rainwolf	29 Apr 2005
I dont want to re-read the cards, but do you think that maybe you have predicted a little too much? The cards have many possibilities and while I see that these combinations can lead to this conclusion, there may be just a warning, or the cards just reflect what she is thinking and wanting.

Baby Owl	29 Apr 2005
I tend to agree, rainwolf. My reaction to seeing those cards in the position of "Present" would have been: "Well, here's the issue, plain as it can be. Here are her concerns, what she's worried about." I would hesitate to interpret them as "Yes, he is cheating and is going to leave her." If that makes me a "vague" reader, then I guess that's what I am. In general, I use readings to help the Seeker decide or clarify what she or he wants, rather than to reveal what someone else is doing, thinking, or feeling. (Sorry, but that just seems so "Miss Cleo" to me, like saying: "Honey, he's cheating on you! Yes, he is, girfriend!") But that's just me, and I realize others do things differently. I'm not presenting my approach as the one everyone should take, by any means. :)

Alissa	29 Apr 2005
I think the hardest thing about being a reader is facing someone who looks at you with such hope, and then looking at your spread and realizing you have no good news to give them. The compassionate person in me wishes I could tell them everything was gonna be fine, that it would turn up roses in the end. But, regardless of the reading, there are often times when what we see in the cards isn't all that happy, and doesn't point to a happy ending either. It's a little bit like being a writer and giving your story a downer ending... you *know* that's not what your audience really wants to hear. With the cards, there's the responsiblity (to me) of reading. Is lying to your sitter in order to make them feel better really helpful? Of course not :) we all agree. However, look at this person you're reading for. *Feel* them, if you know how. What if you take away the last hope this person is clinging to...? That's a terrible spot to find yourself in also. It's a razor thin line. Umbrae will tell stories of what about the woman with the pocketbook full of pills and a loaded .45 whose also at the end of her rope. Do you tell this woman that yes, it looks like things are indeed as bad as she suspects? Now... to be a Libra... I'll switch viewpoints. Cuz both are valid.... There are also times when it can be very comforting, in a strange way, to hear the reader tell you, "This is the !@$# you're going through, and no... it ain't pretty. You've been hurting." The validation of that pain (which I've both given and received, both as a reader, and as a sitter) can be powerfully *good* also. Sometimes having an "objective" outside source tell you "the worst" can make you feel better. It externalizes the pain to discuss it (over a reading) and also validates the person who feels it, to use the psychological buzzwords. Kinda like giving a disease a name, once you know what to call it, it's easier to manage. I sometimes find a similar dynamic when I reluctantly am giving or receiving bad news from my cards. It is VERY astute to remind yourself as a reader of Thirteen's wise advice: YOU are not the cause of the hurting. But, you *are* discussing their hurt with them... and that takes a lot of delicacy.

tarotbear	30 Apr 2005
Someone on this forum once stated very well: "Tarot is not a mis-fortune telling device." Whoever they were, it is one of the best statements I ever heard. It is very possible that you are over-reading this layout, or that the 15-card spread was too large or vague for the question at hand. Did she actually ask you 'Tell me if my husband is cheating on me?' or was it implied that she was 'suspicious' that he might be cheating on her. Personally, this is why I like to do completely cold readimgs where I don't even ask what the question is. Getting back to the original question: how do you give someone bad news? First of all, is it really bad news, or are you adjusting your answer knowing what the question was? Secondly, based on what you has told us about only a section of the reading, my advice to her would have been that there is uncertainty in her future but she must stay in balance until she knows more details (2 swords), there may be a period of some intense problems that may or may not work out as planned. (three swords) About the Queen Cups ~ she could actually represent your friend and not a mistress. The Queen of Cups is intense and loyal in caring about her family, not necessarily the 'blonde bimbo' her husband is sneaking around with.

Thirteen	30 Apr 2005
tarotbear wrote: The Queen of Cups is intense and loyal in caring about her family, not necessarily the 'blonde bimbo' her husband is sneaking around with. Excellent point. And given that the Queen is always gazing emotionally into her cup, she might be too focused on finding clues and hints that he's cheating--instead of trying to figure out why the relationship might be in trouble and how to fix it, if it can be fixed.

manuel ruiz	30 Apr 2005
thanks bear! the thing is that with the rest of the spread i notice that she is going to get divorced!! and she never ask me if her husband, was cheating on her!! but there was another cards that were indicating me that their realtionship is in a bad shape!! let me tell you that her last 3 cards were the 2 of cups reverse, the lovers reverse, and the judment!!! i then told her that she was going to break up with him, she was the one, that told me at the end that she had the feeling that her husband was cheating on her!! at the end

tarotbear	30 Apr 2005
manuel ruiz wrote: thanks bear! but there was another cards that were indicating me that their realtionship is in a bad shape!! let me tell you that her last 3 cards were the 2 of cups reverse, the lovers reverse, and the judment!!! Not sure how your particular 15-card spread works; In a 10-card Celtic cross the last three cards are (generally) the external, the hopes/fears/ the final outcome. The external is a 'projection' = what the people around her see. It can be entirely false, an illusion created to throw people off the track, the others can also be misinterpreting what they see. The hopes/fears are exactly that - what you really wish will or will not happen. They also are illusory. She may have certain suspicions and is expecting the worst - for whatever reasons she may personally have. Judgement - yes - she is judging the situation even though the Two Swords elsewhere says that all the facts are not in. This couple has some very deep relationship problems. She may actually wish for her marraige to be over, suspects hubby is playing around, and now wants his possible infidelity to end the relationship, rather than just telling him she wants to get out of the marriage. They need to seek couselling - which is also implied in the judgement card.

The how to give bad news thread was originally posted on 28 Apr 2005 in the Using Tarot Cards board, and is now archived in the Forum Library. Read the active threads in Using Tarot Cards, or read more archived threads.