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Join Date: 13 Feb 2005
Location: Jupiter, ketu
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Step 9:

RWS 5 of Swords

Keywords: communication, crisis, "I feel somewhat invisible" (from my step2 exercise)

Q: How did you feel wronged and wrong?

Snapshot: Toddler (me) in round walker with wheels, guess was learning to walk. Was pushed aside like some sort of “thing” by an older boy. Can’t believe I remembered this. Felt downright indignant, lunged at him, totally ineffective attempt.


Current Emotions at this memory: Have to take a few deep breaths. Surprised by memory…like where did that come from?


A: Wronged in that I felt slighted when treated as invisible. Never realized until I read through step 2 exercise again, and what I wrote. Wrong in not being more effective in defending myself or even seeing fit TO defend myself properly. This can be said of the snapshot, I guess, but more so of my past behavior in regards to self-esteem, communication issues, and self-respect.


What do I need to look at in my life right now as suggested by my responses, metaphors, and memories?
That I was wrong for allowing too much time to pass in addressing needs to those around me, or becoming too easily accustomed to being ignored. I’m a bit shocked at this revelation. Like I always knew it, but didn’t know it…I’m glad I know this now.


RWS Swords

Keywords: to "air" is human element, sorrow, hidden blessings (my step8)

Q: What is it that you wish to communicate?

Snapshot: My friend at age 8. She was still the new kid, couldn’t have been more than a month into the new school year. The teacher had her stand in front of the class, humiliated her for not having gone to church on Sunday. We weren’t friends yet, I remember now…but when I saw the tears streaming down her face, something in me died. Not a single expression on her face, just a vacant stare with tears. Other than the teacher yelling, the room was silent.

Current Emotions at this memory: Held my breath, feel my ears getting warm, nervous. Have to take a time-out.

A: How sorry I am for how things went, and how grateful I am for all she has meant to me.

What do I need to look at in my life right now as suggested by my responses, metaphors, and memories?
I just need to concentrate on nurturing myself, and doing those things, however big or small, that I enjoy doing.


RWS The number 5 in mix with swords

Keywords: wounded, masculine/yang(step6), aggressive.

Q: How do you think it could have gone knowing what you know?

Snapshot: Step-father in a light, tan suede coat with a navy blue sweater vest. No expression on his face, seldom saw him laugh or smile. I was 15, we were going on a trip to Peru for the (as it would turn out to be) the last time. Reason for trip was to meet my grandmother (father’s mother) for first and (what would be) last time.

Current Emotions at this memory: I feel like I have a frog in my throat, tad nervous.

A: Communicating more effectively could have saved much misunderstanding and sorrow. Would be more confident in opening my mouth, voicing concerns. I realize now that if someone wants to leave me, they will, regardless of what I say or do. It was not meant to be.

What do I need to look at in my life now as suggested by my responses, metaphors, and memories?
I think I just need some quiet time to build myself up. I’m understanding that I did feel ignored when growing up, but those days are over.
So I am afforded this time to restructure and fortify who I am, today.

I went through all the steps and wrote down each keyword for my card… certain things caught me right away, but when I looked at step 2, suddenly things began to come into focus of what was an issue.
Once taken out of context, the words took on a different life.
From step 2 exercise, I opened with “I find myself somewhat invisible”. I wrote a lot, but those words sort of hit home.
This has been a very cathartic exercise.
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