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le fey  le fey is offline
Join Date: 05 Apr 2006
Location: WV, USA
Posts: 1,747
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Query & Snapshots

9:1:1 - Go back over the descriptions chosen for the Queen of Swords. Based on your descriptions and any other details or reactions you notice, ask at least 3 open ended questions. Answer your questions in writing. Pay attention to any scenes or memories that flash through your mind and write about the snapshot and relate it back to the question and your response. Note any emotions felt during the original event and any emotions that come up as you write about it.

Description - one who can see through other's BS
Question - What BS do I need to see through?
Response - First the bs I tell myself, that if I can't do all that I need to do, I should just not to try at all and avoid thinking about it. Secondly, the bs that my ex hands me when he makes promises I know he doesn't even intend to keep - I need to stop hoping against my better judgment and stop letting myself get emotionally hurt at the reminder that I can't count on him for some things.
Snapshot - the day he told me he was leaving, came less than two weeks after a long, seemingly heartfelt talk about long range plans together and fresh starts.
Emotional Response: shame at fooling myself, procrastinating and letting myself be fooled. Upsurge of hurt, then more shame. I should be over that by now. I felt robbed - had left behind so much out of trust in his plans - if he'd been honest, he'd still be gone but my life would have remained intact. Fear that learning from that - looking *for* the bs in the future would leave me closed. I need to find a way to see insincerity without looking for it everywhere.

Description - one who wins arguments with sharp words and wit
Question - How do I approach arguments?
Response - I am definitely a verbal sparrer. More than that, though, I enjoy a good argument that doesn't contain a lot of emotional sludge... a nice objective debate where ideas are argued rather than trading insults. I have to watch out though - what seems to be a good turn of phrase to me sometimes come across as personal insult or get so focused on the 'win' that I forget about feelings.
Snapshot - 12 yrs old, Dad and I have a dispute over the meaning of a word while trying to stump each other (frequent game between us). I couldn't immediately find a way to prove my case and then he left for Vietnam. Shortly after, I found evidence of the word being used according to my meaning and carefully copied the necessary passage, added in large letters "You were wrong! Hah!" and mailed it to him. For a long time that was the only letter he had from me. Found out in my late teens that he'd carried the letter with him when, in a father/daughter quarrel I'd complained that I couldn't ever seem to hurt him (made sense to the 17 year old me) and he pulled it out and said, yes I could.
Emotions - triumph at besting him - didn't happen often. Surprise and shamed at finding out my focus on that triumph hurt him -he was always uncomfortable with emotional display so it didn't occur to me to be sentimental in the letter - I thought continuing the game was continuing our connection. Enlightenment that my father - who never displayed emotionality - could be hurt by me at all. Emotions now...guilt and residual confusion. I never did figure out how to 'win' at getting him to just be proud of me and we grew apart by the time he got home and I'd become a teen. That was the last word game we ever played together and the later quarrel was the last personal exchange we ever had where were were open and honest with one another emotionally. Final emotion, lingering sadness but I put most of this behind me years ago.

Description - one who nurtures their beliefs and attitudes, protecting them from anything that might make them falter
Question - What beliefs do am I holding onto that I need to release?
Response - That quitting is always a failure. I stick things out long after they've stopped doing me any good. My wiser self knows that not everything is intended to last forever, but I have a terrible time walking away from something without feeling like the act of stepping away is a defeat.
Snapshot - First admin job - the job was horrible, soul-sucking and the boss was involved with illegal activities on the job (cocaine use). But it was my first office job and I didn't want to be perceived (or perceive myself) as someone who couldn't cut it, so I hung in there rather than planning a reasonable exit. Then came a day when I walked in on the boss using coke and shortly after was fired for trumped up reasons. Failure to leave on my terms meant getting stuck with his terms and having to find a job in a crisis situation.
Emotional response - chagrin. This mirrors the end of my marriage. This is a habitual issue. Still, a sense of pride comes from being able to tough things out, but I want to train myself to have pride in knowing when to time my exits better... no one is giving me brownie points for being a patsy.

9:1:2 - What do you need to look at in your life right now as suggested by your responses, metaphors and memories? Where was the strongest emotion?

Odd... the last is probably my most serious issue of these three, but stirs the least emotion. Yet, inability to let things go plays a part in the other two examples.

I need to work on:
- not making decisions based on shame and guilt.
- accept that empowerment comes in knowing when to end a situation that isn't helpful to me.
- pay more attention to other people's emotional concerns.
- learn how to stand up for myself without hardening my heart to the needs of others. It doesn't have to be either/or.

man.. this was the hardest exercise yet. I had to stop frequently to process the emotions stirred up. Physically, the response to those emotions showed up in the form of stomach ache and shaking. I had no idea shame played such a large part in my life... it's not something I'm often consciously aware of.
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