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Verdi  Verdi is offline
Join Date: 02 Dec 2007
Location: Oslo, Norway
Posts: 174
21 ways step nine

21 ways step 9

DruidCraft: The High Priestess.

How do you feel about yourself?
Snapshot: My sister thanking me for help when she got divorced, telling me what good insight I had and saying things that gave her the courage and abilities to get on with her life. I get this kind of feed back from a lot of people, but I never seem to remember things I said to get such repsonse like this. I get surprised when I get that kind of feedback. I cannot think that I could have said something like that Ė Iím stupid. I seem to have low self esteem, though Iím not afraid to talk in groups etc. (I get ask to be toastmaster at weddings). But I forget, so easily. So this gets to be a question of memories for me. Why do I forget, why do I hide my memories? I think more and more it has to be doing with an alcoholic mother, who I realised I couldnít trust at age 10. I remember thinking I must not say anything to her. This in essence meant I had no mother from that time. So perhaps I hide memories because usually they were not too good at home. I keep saying to myself that Iím no good, Iím an idiot. But I know this isnít true. I dare not say it, and when I do, its so strange, kind of out of body thing. I can never say: ďWell done Verdi, you were good thereĒ.

What reflections do you have of your way of living?
Snapshot: wanting this and that, getting the last electrical thingy, always gathering things
This makes me feel so materialistic. Lately however Iíve been thinking: what do I really need this for? What kind of environmental impact will it have? I think this is one of the reasons I took up tarot. Using my time on personal transformation and little bit less of buy, buy buy.

How do you listen to others?
Snapshot: interrupting others while they are talking.
One of my big flaws this. I am so analytical. I seem to think I see the answer, get to the problem before others. This has its advantages of couse, but makes me look and be impatient and arrogant. I got to just relax and just listen. This is where Tarot comes in. In my grounding, when shuffling the cards I breath Ė properly. So Iím trying to do this when I listen.

I seem to have given my self the answers to this in the above questions. I have to start looking into my relationship to my mother. The abandonment and its consequences. This is no small issue I realise, I havenít talked to her for a year now. This will not be easy and may never be resolved. I have at least a goal to make myself better, more in tune and happy. So question 1 is the absolutely the most important. Question 3, is the next challenge: I have to listen and be patient.
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