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Deanne  Deanne is offline
Join Date: 29 Dec 2014
Location: MB, Canada
Posts: 443
21 Ways - Steampunk

Step NINE - Steampunk (Moore) - 5 of Wands

I'm really starting to wish I'd chosen a more positive card. This has been a difficult process as it's brought up some issues I'd rather not deal with. But I know it's good for me to look at this stuff, so onward I go!

Three questions that come to mind when I read through my previous exercises:
1. What makes me feel defensive?
2. Where is there adversity in my life?
3. How do I react to conflict?

1. I feel defensive when I feel like I'm not being heard. When I have something to say and either I am not given a chance to express it, or I'm cut off/interrupted before I can get my whole story across. I can be shy and have trouble starting to speak - sometimes I think people assume I don't have anything to say and move on.

A snapshot I saw while answering this was of a co-worker who cut me off last week when we were discussing an incident (very minor one) at work. I never was able to finish telling her what had happened, and her understanding would likely have changed significantly if she's heard me out.

2. The adversity in my life is mostly internal. I fight my own fears, habits, thoughts, and emotions regularly. I rationalize my bad habits in particular, and then I feel guilty about how I behave. I then fight the guilt, telling myself I deserve to be happy. But it would be so much easier to be happy if I dealt with those darn habits, so the circle goes on.

A snapshot that came to mind here was related to my cleaning habits. I am terrible at motivating myself to clean. I have attempted to tackle this numerous times, and end up feeling really good about myself when I'm successful, but then I fall right back into my old ways (and the guilt gets worse each time).

3. I tend to avoid conflict when possible. This leads to me bottling up my angers and frustrations instead of dealing with them. Eventually I lash out (or verbally 'strike', reminding me of the image on my card), generally over some tiny little thing. I could easily prevent this if I just dealt with conflicts as they arose, but I rarely do.

My snapshot for this was a fight I'd had with an ex. It was over the tiniest thing (we disagreed on the best route to take home from a store). But it ended up being a huge fight, one of our biggest, because I released so much anger from things that had bothered me earlier in our relationship. Sure, bottling things made those earlier conflicts a bit easier at the time (though not as much as I would have liked!), but had a bigger impact overall once the feelings were unleashed.

Overall, my answers and snapshots show me that I really have to look at how I treat myself. I really am my own worst enemy and should deal with my internal conflicts. I need to look inwards to the source of my frustrations in order to grow and move forward in a healthier way.
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