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billv  billv is offline
Join Date: 21 Jun 2005
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 66
Thoth, Crowley, life, and my H.G.A. - *long*

I don't want to ramble here, and I'm not sure I even know what type of response I'm looking for, but I thought I'd post. I've been studying Thoth and the idea of using Tarot for connecting with my unconscious self for some time, and the general idea of enlightenment or "cosmic consciousness" or finding my "higher self" for several years now.

I started looking into the concept of my Holy Guardian Angel, or HGA... and it sounded very much like the type of higher consciousness that is spoken of in the mysteries... the one it is our birthright to achieve, supposedly. But, along with that, I'm learning that there is all of this stuff - goetias, demons, Tetragrammaton, daemons, trees of life in every possible configuration, not to mention differing and sometimes conflicting definitions for almost every card in the deck from different sources and different authors. Jewish mysticism, talk of the Judeo-Christian God, YHWH, all of this stuff I really don't feel helps me at all.

Also, magick starts to come into play, and I'm not sure I even wanted to go there, although the Thoth does sort of take you there (learning about Crowley's cards DOES tend to lead you toward magickal books and such). Fears of conjuring up wild, uncontrolled energies start making me concerned, this from someone who until just recently had decided that the spirit world was pretty much non-existant, that this study was of my own self consciousness and nothing more. Even through my concerns, I still doubt both the existance of the spirits, and also fear the possibility of their actually being real and my running into something I can't handle.

In some ways I know this sounds strange - I guess in some ways all of it does to me. Maybe I'm doubting everything. Maybe I'm looking at all of the "new age" materials (including Tarot, though I know that will probably get some people's defenses up) and wondering if it's all just a big shell game - over the next corner is enlightenment - wait, there's more... but wait... you didn't do this, therefore it didn't happen/can't happen/you can't get there from here! Well Bill, obviously your negative thoughts are preventing your ability to reach higher levels of enlightenment! It's no wonder you don't have the power! It's all your fault!! But... buy this book, take this course, use these charms, think these thoughts, etc... it just seems to never end. I know this all sounds negative - I guess for several reasons I feel like I'm completely, totally saturated in negative energy right now, and it's wearing me out. I guess it's all getting a bit maddening. It just seems like a whole lot to have to figure out, piece through, throwing all of the bullshit out as you go, trying to find just a little spiritual peace!! Even if there came a moment of blinding light that I could point to as that "cosmic consciousness" or communication with my HGA, so what? It doesn't much solve anything... at least not from a pragmatic, materialistic point of view, and even tho that may sound really nasty, the fact is that we ARE living in this world of materialism and wages and bills and layoffs and hucksters and cheats and liars and wars and lying political leaders who say they are enlightened yet tell people to "**** off" or flip them the finger, etc...

I guess the bottom line is where is the truth of our spirituality, and our life here? Where is it? Does it really exist? It seems like a huge shell game to me, and I've been earnestly looking for it now for most of my life. People who say they have the answers seem really ****ed up to me. "Spiritually powerful" people who say they control the workings of the magickal universe, yet still can't keep a home from going into foreclosure or can't keep their car on the road without running out of gas, etc... I'm sure you've run across these types if you've spent any time with various spiritual groups, from Christians through Pagans and more. Where is the tangible evidence of the fruit of the "spirit" or magick, or whatever???

Anyway, thanks for at least making it this far into my rant. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. I haven't thrown away my decks yet.
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