closerwalking
Last night I received a call from my brother, and it stirred up old memories, awareness of being judged, condemned, feeling defective my whole life. I'm no longer willing to tolerate this way of being seen or seeing myself or anyone else this way any longer. My brother is entitled to his beliefs, but I do not have to tolerate being seen through those filters. My grandfather was so full of self hatred, self rejection. and he latched onto Christianity as his salvation. He felt it was his duty, his responsibility to enforce the values of his church onto us. And women's lot was to suffer continuously for her error of judgement in the garden of eden. condemned for eternity. blamed for eternity, despised for eternity. I loved and hated my grandpa, and he loved/hated me. His love came with huge cost. I would have to take on his church belief, and become a sinner, and as a woman, I had no chance of escaping my lot in life. men could escape, rectify themselves but women could not. they were forever placed in servitude, beneath, inferior. And this is the way my brother views me, has seen me most of our life together. He does not know what to do with me, because I am not a conventional woman, I never had children, and oh my gosh I have lived with men in sin. Anyway, this morning I woke up with this awareness, and suddenly, I felt the presence of the Page of Pentacles. She is crouched down close to the earth in an insect like posture. She invited me to come down close to the earth with her. And as I did, I began to separate from this old belief that I grew up with, mentioned above. I began to see it like a dry cracked insect skin, that I was shedding. Then I felt the presence of a huge female buffalo. She came right up to me, and told me to merge with her, enter her. Suddenly I felt her heart beating inside of me, her blood coursing through me, healing me, nourishing me, restoring me. her fur protecting me, keeping me warm, protecting me. This is continuing as I write. what a beautiful start to my journey into the hidden realm, with Page of Pentacles. I expressed my gratitude and ask them both what gift I could give them. Page of Pentacles replied, "befriend me, let me be a part of your life, your journey. "