Shadow Work: Star of Discovery

Master_Margarita

Expanded Star of Discovery with Whole Deck

Just because I wasn't exposed enough before, I expanded my Star to include the minors, as Jette's update to the book suggests.

-------------------------4. ANGER-----------------------------------
--------------------------Death Rx-----------------------------------
----------------9 of Pentacles, Queen of Wands-----------------------
5. SECRECY---------------------------------------------3. INFERIORITY
The Hermit-------------------------------------------The Hierophant Rx
9 of Swords, King of Wands-------------------8 of Cups, Page of Swords
---------------------------1. DENIAL-------------------------
---------------------------Strength Rx------------------------------
-----------------4 of Cups, Queen of Pentacles-----------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
6. SELF-LOATHING-----------------------------------2. ANXIETY-----------
The Chariot Rx--------------------------------------The High Priestess Rx--
9 of Wands, Page of Wands---------------4 of Wands, Queen of Pentacles-


Overall note: all major arcana from the first half of the deck—nothing past Death. The critical combination for interpreting this spread is the appearance of the High Priestess, the Hierophant and the Hermit in one spread.
Suits for minors and courts: 5 Wands, 3 Pentacles, 2 Cups, 2 Swords, so Wands predominate—the most important shadow area is that of spiritual creativity in everyday life
Numbers for minors: two 4s, two 8s, three 9s. Nines signify extremes, of horror, happiness, duty, achievement, depending on the suit. Slight lack of balance, could be exhilarating or disturbing.
Courts: 2 Pages, 3 Queens (one repeated), one King—no knights


1. DENIAL/Strength Rx: “Rage versus Compassion”
Minor arcana: 4 of Cups
Court card: Queen of Pentacles

What condition do I want to avoid? I am in denial about my actual lack of self-mastery. I pretend I have it all together, even to myself. I pretend I am strong, but I know I am weak and I despise this at heart. This card relates to my Chariot of Self-Loathing in position 6. I am in denial about how much self-loathing I experience. I really want the strength that I pretend to have in order to feel good about myself.

What am I hesitant to develop? I am hesitant to connect with my “lower” self. I repress my animal nature, by living in my head and deny my emotions and body. I deny my own rage and destructive aggression (refer to Death in position 4, “Anger”).

What am I afraid of discovering? What is the blind spot that blocks my growth? I am afraid of my anger and pride. I am afraid of making peace with the dark side of my nature and extending that compassion to others.

WHERE is the shadow of Strength operating? In the realm of the emotional. The shadow meaning of the 4 of Cups is: being stuck in some endless horrible cycle; condemned to live in a way that you feel sucks the life out of you; being unable to shake off obsessions and compulsions, though you feel trapped by them; losing your love of life; feeling unreal and not properly alive at all.

HOW does the shadow of Strength present itself in my personality? I think this is a shadow gift symbolized here: I do not recognize that I am a practical, domestic woman; that I can feel happy and secure about my home and family; that I am a natural carer; and that I am a good manager, in both financial and practical ways

2. ANXIETY/High Priestess Rx: “Superficiality versus Intuition”
Minor arcana: 4 of Wands
Court: Queen of Pentacles

When do I get nervous, anxious, touchy or sensitive with others? I am most anxious when I must stand up for myself in opposition to others and then project on them that they dislike me.

I am anxious when I think I am being judged by others as inferior.

Fear of my unconscious causes me to feel anxious. Having others look beneath my surface makes me self-conscious, because I feel anxious that others would reject me if they saw my true self beneath the mask. I fear that I am empty beneath the superficial surface.

The shadow gift of the High Priestess to me is an understanding and acceptance of the difficult and painful aspects of spiritual enlightenment.

WHERE is the shadow of the High Priestess operating? In the realm of spiritual creativity in everyday life. Shadow meanings of 4 of Wands: being held back, feeling like a prisoner; “the grass is always greener”—but is it really?; a celebration or party goes rather wrong; finally getting away from a situation that’s constrained you; finding the courage to escape from a controlling home life

HOW does the shadow of the High Priestess present itself in my personality? Paying too high a price for security; wondering if you have somehow ended up in a gilded cage; suspecting that, in a domestic situation, all is not as calm and respectable as it seems

3. INFERIORITY/Hierophant Rx: “Fanaticism versus Inner Conscience”
Minor arcana: 8 of Cups
Court: Page of Swords

My immediate reaction, and one from which I have not swerved, is that this card would represent my extremely critical parents. And the Catholic Church. A dutiful daughter, I listened too carefully and learned their lessons too well, and now have made them my own. Those judgmental voices in my own head make me feel inferior. It is, however, my responsibility to remove them now.

When do I most lack confidence? When I am trying to break free from hierarchical structures (the Church, the law) and develop my individuality and creativity. By extension I am most lacking in confidence when I stand up to any authority. I am very status-conscious; rely on external authorities to validate me because I don’t have enough faith in my own judgment about my own value—the Anxiety I feel embodied by the High Priestess underscores that I don’t trust my own intuition and inner knowings about myself.

What event or situation from the past may have caused this shadow to grow? Having extremely critical parents. Having three older sisters who seemed so much more accomplished than I, and with whom I was constantly trying to play catch-up. Selecting a highly-critical (or so he seems to me) husband so I can play out the drama all over again.

WHERE is the shadow of the Hierophant operating? In the realm of the emotional (don’t I know it!). Shadow meanings of the 8 of Cups: deciding to go through a difficult period in order to reach long-term security; moving away from an oppressive, depressing situation; trying to escape from negative cycles and habits, all of which I am doing right now.

HOW does the shadow of the Hierophant present itself in my personality? Not being guarded enough—there’s danger about; bravely facing up to a threat that has to be defeated; acting alone, when it might be wiser to ask for help; paranoia, seeing enemies all around

4. ANGER/Death Rx: “Stagnation versus Transformation”
Minor arcana: 9 of Pentacles
Court: Queen of Wands

What qualities in a person do I most dislike or have the most difficulty dealing with? Well, I absolutely hate being ignored.

I hold grudges to a depth I am rarely able to come to conscious awareness of. It is killing me to cling to the grudges of my past, for example, against my parents and the Catholic Church. Indeed the shadow meanings of this card include living in the past, not being able to let go of what is no longer useful, an unwillingness of experience emotional pain, blocking out sad feelings, and staying stuck. Yup, that about sums it up.

WHERE is the shadow of Death operating? In the realm of physical reality and the body. Shadow meanings of the 9 of Pentacles: wealth that came by dubious means, being proud and arrogant about the material comfort you’ve received, using your money and position selfishly, without regard to others.

HOW does the shadow of Death present itself in my personality? Someone whose sensuality is disturbing, overwhelming energy, a woman who tends to draw you into her world, a vain, self-absorbed woman, a neurotic attention-seeker

5. SECRECY/Hermit: “Fear of the Dark versus Patient Solitude”
Minor arcana: 9 of Swords
Court: King of Wands

What do I rarely talk about with others? Probably refers to my fear of death that I never discuss with anyone, especially since one of the shadow meanings listed is being unable to accept aging or death. Oh, also the fact that I feel so emotionally immature and stunted—like clinging to some emotions about Joel for so very, very long. It is fair to say that I run away from my problems as a way of keeping them secret, even from myself.

What do I fear that people will find out about me? That I am childish and self-centered at my core. What do I think would happen if someone discovered my secret? That they wouldn’t like me anymore. This is one reason that I cut myself off from the world--because I am afraid of being known for myself.

What secret does my shadow reveal? That there is nothing behind the mask--or at least that I fear that people will see nothing behind the mask, and I must rely on other people to tell me who and what I am.

WHERE is the shadow of the Hermit operating? In the realm of the mind and my psychological well-being. Shadow meanings of the 9 of Swords: invoking dark dreams and visions, deliberately courting danger, experiencing fear after talking/seeing/thinking about horrors, feeling unable to ask for help with feelings of panic, being afraid of going mad—though deep down you know this is irrational

HOW does the shadow of the Hermit present itself in my personality? A fantasist who imagines herself to be much more important than she is, an attention-seeker, someone pompous who expects all around her to follow her lead

6. SELF-LOATHING/Chariot Rx: “Conflict versus Balanced Control”
Minor arcana: 9 of Wands
Court: Page of Wands

When am I most dissatisfied with myself? When I fail to exercise self-discipline. When I am not perfect.

What do I need to discover? That I want to rebuild myself completely because I feel that I am totally unsatisfactory as I am. I am willing to accept myself only if I can create an improved version. I am unwilling to accept myself as I am. I relate this to the High Priestess of Anxiety in position 2. I want to rebuild myself in a fashion so that I can receive accolades from others (see Hierophant, position 3), because that is the only way I can receive reassurance—from external sources. I hate that.

WHERE is the shadow of the Chariot operating? In the realm of spiritual creativity in everyday life. Shadow meanings of the 9 of Wands: a manic determination to keep on with an old struggle, exhaustion and depression from a fight that’s gone on too long, bravely doing your duty—without realizing that you might be on the wrong side, pretending to be obedient and dutiful, but there’s a hidden agenda

HOW does the shadow of the Chariot present itself in my personality? Hidden passions, energies put into negative activities, nature in a form that is uncontrolled and threatening, over-enthusiasm or an obsession with something.

And there you have it. Me and my shadow.

:heart: M_M~
 

Onyx

Tarot Shadow Work

May 20, 2009


As I look to begin to work on this process, I want to take a quick look and make sure I have a sense of the spreads. I am planning to put them all here and then work through them with the book.

Star of Discovery (majors only)

Position One: Denial
Position Two: Anxiety
Position Three: Inferiority
Position Four: Anger
Position Five: Secrecy
Position Six: Self-Loathing

Investigating my Shadow and doing the Shadow work requires a desire to be honest with yourself the question is not "How will I get rid of this?" but "Where is my Shadow now and why might this be happening?" It is about fully accepting all aspects of my humanity and changing what is no longer useful with forgiveness and compassion. By deliberately contacting your shadow and taking hold of your opposites, you become aware. Awareness leads to the power of personal choice and knowledge with the power of personal choice leads to freedom.

I wonder if working with my Shadow is at all similar to looking at the fleshly nature and my sin nature? As a Christian, I believe that I am bound by my humanity to a persuasion that is prone to fall short of ethical and moral behavior. There is a feeling that that while we may not be able to triumph completely over our fleshly-human nature I may be able to be more aware of it and how I can be proactive to work against its influence. If I are not aware of it I will fall victim to it.

My Star of Discovery Spread
May 20, 2009, Liber T Tarot

Position One: Denial -- Aeon
Position Two: Anxiety -- Sun
Position Three: Inferiority -- Fortune
Position Four: Anger -- Lust
Position Five: Secrecy -- Magus
Position Six: Self-Loathing -- Hermit

Position One: Denial -- Aeon

What am I denying that can be seen in the Aeon?

I am curious to see if I should look and discover a shadow side to the card or if should just look at how the card works in the position? As I would normally look at the Aeon as a change, rebirth, I wonder if my denial is of a change that is profound and revolutionary. My initial thoughts may linger on the issue of how both my spiritual life and my vocational life are in moments of change. These changes may or may not be irrevocable. I sometimes think that I can live in both worlds when the moment of choice has come and gone.

While I would like to find a way to meld both my interest and my obvious devotion to the Tarot into a working and healthy Christian life I seem to be in denial to the fact that my spiritual life is in a curious state of disrepair. If I am to build it up again I much consider that Tarot will pay a price.

I have to say that using the Liber T has given me a different card from a RWS Judgement and it has given me a different idea. There is an idea of Judgement and the Shadow side of that being "Judgemental" or dispensing false judgments. Yet I don't know if that idea works here. There may be an idea that I do not give myself enough credit but I believe the better understanding of the card is denying the change.

One of my big questions about this spread is that it seems to be a spread that uncovers hidden understanding of self and weakness. If Tarot does bring self-enlightenment as it promises then it seems that the active Tarotist will not find that many shocking revelations. Depth and scope may be the greater understanding. Much of what I see in this spread is not that alarming and haunting but I think that it is because I am somewhat aware of myself and my flaws.

Position Two: Anxiety -- Sun

When does the Sun care show anxiety? Looking at the meaning for the shadow side of the Sun -- which seems to be a bit of an impossible physic concept. But the idea that my creativity and my connection to the universe is significant. Much of my worry does seem to center on the thoughts and my understanding. Finding that what I have believed is false, loss of my mental acumen and loss of my imagination would be tragic for me.

Looking at a broader scope of the meaning for the Sun card I see who Ego is a bit of a concern. So much of my regret is how my own ego has been nigh uncontrollable. This is my attitude, my hindrance, my sense of humility. I want to share my joy and ease but when others do not feel the same way then I will turn my "Sun" on them and then all are burned. My ego is a fire that I have learned comes at a stiff cost both to myself and to those who are close to me.

My tongue is a great fire. Ego as an anxiety. I will be looking forward to how the next spread speaks to this. I am also curious if there might be a clarification of what this means as an aspect of my shadow self. There is also be a sense of Anxiety associated with strong driving male energy as well.


Position Three: Inferiority -- Fortune


This is a tricky spot to link with this card. Where am I suffering from a feeling of weakness and inferiority? Likewise how does the Wheel of Fortune comment, communicate to that idea?

My idea of Fortune is how it expresses the cycles of life and how there is a give and take to the bounty of the Universe. For me is it that my inferiority is the understanding that greater more uncontrollable forces are at work. While do not believe that the running of the Universe is at all random, fickle or subject to temporal influences. I am also aware that for some this is the way that it seems.

Am I actually inferior to the cosmic forces that run and rule the Universe? YES! Now how do I work with what that may produce in me?

Still reflecting on this card, I do feel that part of my life is a bit off in how I don't get a full sense of the cycles of life. Being single, I know that I miss things like marriage, family and aspects of the cyclical continuity that comes with all of that. I live a bit vicariously but it would be foolish not to understand that my life is a bit emptier than if I did have those things.

My reflection on this spread using the Fantastical Tarot has been insightful. The deck has a bit more of a dark side and it does allow me to project more clearly my understanding of the shadow side. Here the Wheel of Fortune is a representation of seasons, elements and colors. I like how it shows that each season has its own time and influence.

Position Four: Anger -- Lust

It is a fact that every man must face is that he has issues with Anger and Lust.

These words of wisdom have helped shape my understanding of my weaknesses and personality. When I see this card in this position, I cannot help but reflect on that statement that I have held to be true for years. Do I have anger issues with Lust? Again the difference between the Liber T and the Rider-Waite-Smith system become clear. Lust in this card is far more primal, fiery, and base than what is shown in Coleman-Smith's image. Strength as a shadow side is about control, courage, and influence from weakness.

The Shadow side of Lust is about unsavory appetites, desires, and an avarice to have in way of consumption rather than to collect or control. There is a hunger and thirst associated with this. I have a very vampire feeling with this card. "Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Pride” The Seven, the deadly sins, when I think of them I see clearly, immediately that three are about unrestrained want. The want for food/luxury, the want for money/stuff, and the want for sex/physical pleasure. I would even say that Envy, Wrath and Pride can be related to these ideas of wants in response. Envy is the want of what others have. Pride is the overly satisfaction in the want that we have obtained. Wrath is the want that is unfulfilled to the point of frustration. Finally I can begin to see who Sloth is also a desire issue but talk about projection. (Not going there, not right now.)

So going back to the issue of my anger and how it can relate to the idea of Lust. I am reminded of my working definition of anger as unfulfilled expectations. What I don't want and I don't get doesn't make me angry. When I don't get what I want (not necessarily in an aspect of stuff or belongings) I can burst into fiery anger.

*How I have come to see how my foolish desire for what I want drives me to anger. There is a driving lion that roars when I can't find the fulfillment of a desire. The Beast in me is very apparent when I don't get what I want and it takes no prisoners.

Position Five: Secrecy -- Magus

Shhhhh!

Considering how much of my Tarot life is a secret this card is a natural association for my ability and my efforts to be a good Tarot reader and teacher. The juggling of my different roles is a big concern for me. Almost daily I am keeping something from someone.

My goal is never to keep my Christian faith a secret and all my Tarot friends know that I am a believer. Yet the fact is that nearly no one outside of that small circle knows about my Tarot study, ability and teaching.

One thing that I am confronted with is how as a whole I tend to keep many of my gifts and abilities a secret. My writing, my mind, and my good thoughts. I can be a good caring friend but it seems as if I have to keep my many good thoughts, emotions and worries for them hidden.

*Interesting thought -- The Bohemian Gothic Tarot lwb: Being seduced by magic -- creative, mastery over the elements. Playing with the riskier side of the occult.


Position Six: Self-Loathing -- Hermit

Often I think my chosen single solitude as the byproduct of my own sick self-loathing. Spurned by my disappointment and sense of failure as a person. I do not let anyone in to care for me. Sure there is some role my struggle with my sexual identity plays but again even that might feed my self-loathing.

So many of these cards touch on important darker areas of my life and this has proven to be a good way to unlock many new ideas that I have not considered. The Hermit may indicate that I may turn away from the light when it is turned on me rather than be the one who chooses to be expose the light to others.

The choice to languish is a self-loathing choice.

*Bohemian Gothic Tarot lwb: Occult practice undertaken alone, Being too isolated from others, this could affect your psychological well-being.
 

alesia

My Star of Discovery: Majors, supported by Court and Pips.

I'm not sure resurrecting an old thread is a good idea, but it seems a bit silly to start a new one so I hope this is okay! (If it's not, please let me know?) Last night I was working through some anxiety and finally just sat down and did the Star of Discovery, Majors only; this morning I elaborated on the initial draw with court and pip cards as per Christine Jette's notes on using the whole deck. So. Here's the spread.

(One more note: I was not expecting these cards. I've drawn the Wheel of Fortune and the Magician each once with this deck, the rest are new. However, I do think they're accurate. I was expecting the Hanged Man since I have been drawing it every other day since I started using this deck. Hmm.)

Denial: The Wheel of Fortune, Knight of Cups, and Ace of Wands.

What problems would I rather avoid? How about all of them? "Feeling stuck in a rut", "lacking the persistence necessary", "unable to roll with the punches", "not recognizing opportunities", "unable to finish what you start", "getting caught up in the trivial" ... hoo boy, all of this is the sort of stuff I recognize exists in me but would rather throw in the closet than deal with. One that particularly got me was "believing yourself to be a victim"; my partner has occasionally pointed this out to me when things went particularly pear-shaped and I have always blown it off. Denial indeed.

For the minors, the Knight of Cups is how my wheels are spinning: Air in Briah, the emotions and subconscious, where I flit about ineffectually and never really commit to projects or to myself when it comes down to it; I would rather fantasize off in la-la land and live a happy life inside my head than deal with the here-and-now, Assiah, which is often harsh and disturbing. There is a particular shallowness in this card in the Shadowscapes deck I am using: he is caught up in the rainbows and the shiny cup up above him, while ignoring the depths beneath his mount's feet. (The unicorn he rides looks a bit like a Siamese kitty; not sure how that relates to the point, but it caught my eye.)

The Ace of Wands is where in my life my wheels are spinning; Kether in Atziluth, the source of creativity, the source of all things. It comes from the top. I'm in real trouble with this one.

Anxiety: The Sun, King of Wands, and Six of Pentacles.

When do I get nervous, anxious, touchy? "Burnout", "feeling overcome with responsibilities", "feeling as though you are just surviving instead of thriving" (I have pills that help with that one), "not wanting to try different experiences", "being attached to the little hurts", "seeing the world as an obstacle". I do feel burnt out, all the time. For years I have been struggling just to get by. Trying something new or adding a new responsibility is just too much, it's as though someone is adding one more burden on my back and I just want to lay down and cry. Thriving? What's that?

The King of Wands is how I am burned out: Fire in Atziluth. Again with creativity and vitality and my issues being all the way at the top of the ladder: I avoid my creative urges due to anxiousness and guilt at not dealing with the more mundane details, and I have a severe lack of vitality and energy. There is just nothing left. The constant struggles with my health is too much in itself, and I am supposed to somehow get it together and succeed in life too? With what?

The Six of Pentacles is where in my life I am burned out: Tiphareth in Assiah, the 'real world'. The Shadowscapes deck depicts this card as a cycle of dependencies. Each job creates three more jobs. It is easier to pull a blanket over my head and wait for the world to go away (but it never does).

Inferiority: The High Priestess, Queen of Cups, and Four of Swords.

When do I most lack confidence? "Being too literal or intellectual" (off the deep end), "being vague or so caught up in intuition that you experience difficulty living in the real, day-to-day world". Still thinking on this one, but the supporting minors have their own points to make about this card.

Once again I am hanging out in Briah with the Queen of Cups, water squared, which shows me how this shadow is a part of me; it's nice that she has turtles popping up everywhere she steps so she can walk across the deep sea without issue, depending fully on her intuition, but expecting turtles to be there while you walk across the ocean is not a very practical way to live. Hello clue-by-four.

Where in my life is this shadow operating? The Four of Swords is respite, rest; I hide away and rest and have a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Still working on this one.

Anger: The Moon, Knight of Pentacles, and Eight of Swords.

What qualities do I most dislike in a person, or have the most difficulty dealing with? Well, the Moon suggests deception to me (and I tend to drop people from my life for lying or stealing from me) but the book's description had some more ideas that really ping as far as qualities that I have trouble dealing with in myself. "Indecision and passivity", "mood swings and depression" (again I have pills that help with this now but it used to be REALLY bad), "feeling as though everything is clouded or vague", "avoidance of intense feelings". Yes, deck, I do have a distinct tendency to turn into an inertial lump, pull the covers over my head, and not deal with my problems; instead I wait for them to turn into giant slobbering beasties and eat me.

How is this a part of me? The Knight of Pentacles, Air in Assiah, slogging away slowly. This card screams goal-oriented to me. I focus on my goals, they scare me, I hide. More thought needed here, but I tend to associate this card with my partner, a very solid Taurean INTJ.

Where in my life is this card operating, and how? The Eight of Swords, Hod in Yetzirah, is not a happy card. Tied down and with the means to free myself within reach, yet I persist in empowering my own imprisonment. Lump, meet clue-by-four.

Secrecy: The Magician, Page of Wands, and Eight of Pentacles.

What do I rarely talk about with others, or fear they will find out about me? Well, to be sure I don't discuss my practice with others, but once again the book had some very pertinent keyphrases. "Not applying your energy and efforts in the right direction", "being scattered", "lacking focus and not focusing on the real issues", "pessimisim", "indirectness", "starting many projects and not being able to complete them due to lack of motivation". The Magician corresponds to Aleph, the 'mother' letter which represents the element Air, and these negatives are the negatives of the element Air itself ... which I tend to represent in my nature, actions, and birth chart alike.

How is this a part of me? The Page of Wands represents Earth in Atziluth, and is one of the most straight-fowardly gorgeous cards in the deck; to me it is reminiscent of one of my dearest friends, who is creative and geeky and a strong-minded activist in many causes. The card urges action, to do rather than to think; how does this support Lack of Focus versus Focus?

Where in my life does the Magician's shadow operate? The Eight of Pentacles is Hod in Assiah, craftsmanship and practical application of skills. Is it a challenge to overcome or a seed to nurture?

Self-Loathing: Justice, Page of Swords, and Ten of Wands.

When am I most dissatisfied with myself? Imbalance versus Balance; "a lack of balance in your life", "being out of touch with your Higher Self", "unclear thinking processes", "going to one extreme or another". I am having a terrible time keeping things in balance; for one task to get done, another suffers.

How is this a part of me? The Page of Swords is the court card in this deck that I identify with myself; the Queen is too ethereal, too in control. The Page is Earth in Yetzirah, floating freely in midair, at the mercy of the winds.

Where in my life does this imbalance manifest itself? The Ten of Wands is Malkuth in Atziluth; in this deck it shows a tree supporting a city, a wearying task without end. She stands like Atlas supporting the world, yet she seems content with the burden, freely assumed. I don't seem to know how to carry all my tasks; but I want to.

I still have a lot more to journal and ponder on this spread, but I think that's about all I've got for the day.
 

Marie-Bernard

Star of Discovery

So I threw this spread three nights ago and I think I'm about finished here. I may do some extra draws to see if there's any other message I should be getting, but it seems, once again, my cards are almost disappointingly literal.

1. Denial - Tower (A big issue I have is treating what should be a routine bad patch in life as though it's the end of the world and my life is over; many relationships strained and ruined, many lost opportunities.)

2. Anxiety - Strength (See position one - I'm in constant fear I won't have the fortitude to face up to a challenge, secretly I don't want the fortitude, I don't want the change that would make in who I am.)

3. Inferiority - Star (See position one and two - Even trying to hope for the best makes me feel ridiculous. I like to look at the worst aspects of a situation and always expect the worst from people around me. Eeyore is definitely my totem animal here. "Of course it happened to me...")

4. Anger - World (Angry at the World, see positions one, two, and three. Nothing more to be said here.)

5. Secrecy - Hanged Man (A thing I don't talk about because it's awful and embarrassing is that my parents were member of a wack-a-doo fundamentalist church when I was a kid. It was very scary to be told by all the grownup, leader-type people around me that things were true that didn't seem true to me, or things were false that were obviously true. I was punished a lot because I couldn't wrap my mind to their crazy worldview. I feel like they sacrificed what was good for me as a child so they could fit in with their little group.)

6. Self-Loathing - Death (This one's kind of obvious, too. I'm not going to go into it, no one reading this later needs to be caught off guard with that much negativity.)

Now I'm going to take a few days to rest up and recharge my mental and emotional batteries then I'll move on to the Star of Recovery spread.
 

Onyx

As I renew my look at my Shadow I am still certain that five years later this spread is still true and on the money. I am thinking about still taking this spread as a basis of my consistent Shadow issues but then move forward and do the subsequent spreads to see if there has been any change or dare I say growth in any of these issues.
 

coyoteblack

I completed this spread tonight; I plan on leaving this until Sunday and commenting on it as I try different things.


1. Denial moon - subconscious desires
2. Anxiety, wheel of fortune, I am scared of change and being out of control
3. Inferiority the sun, being the center of attention having the spot light on me
4. Anger Magician, being out of control, not having a say so in my future
5. Secrecy the devil, I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and there are many thins this can mean
6 self-loathing, the fool i wasted many opportunities in my useing days and still have some issues dealing with that.



I see big issues with trust, control, relationships and some sub conscience things I think will pop up over the weekend as I go over the cards more.
 

Tarot Orat

Just the cards and my initial, stream-of-consciousness thoughts right now:

Star of Discovery, 3/1/14:

1. Denial
The Star

That I'm good, that I'm pure, that I'm worthy. That people look up to me. That I can overcome addiction and disaster (this being right after the Devil and Tower). That I can be myself and be unashamed by emotional and mental nudity...baring myself to the world without doubt and fear and shame.

2. Anxiety
The Hanged One

When things are up in the air, when I'm not sure what's happening, when there aren't solid plans. When I'm on display and need to be seen to do something, if you think of it as publicly displaying the traitor in the original sense of the card. (Traitor to who? Myself? Others that I'm letting down?)

3. Inferiority
Justice

I'm not equal, I'm not good enough. Things aren't fair (well duh, they aren't). There's no justice. There's no rest or peace or finality for me. It's all still up in the air. (See Card 2. Anxiety leading to feelings of inferiority?)

4. Anger
The Chariot

This is about anger towards others, what brings out my anger. Domineering, egotistical, trying to rule over/be better than others. The juggernaut crushing all in its path, including the people pulling it. Ingratitude. Self-centeredness. Sociopathy. Running roughshod over others. Misrule. Celebrating the problems of others. (That what the original military triumph parade, and a triumphal chariot, were all about - celebrating the ignominious defeat of the enemy.)

5. Secrecy
The Lovers

Sexual history, ding ding ding! Here's where we come to the root of a lot of my issues, which I feel threatens me the most now. Also, this is a choice card, and I chose to make all those bad decisions. I don't want people to know what I did not only because I feel like it was bad, but because I'm afraid I'll look even worse for having chosen to do it.

6. Self-loathing
The Emperor

(3/2/14: I think I did this backwards, I looked at myself as not having the attributes of the card - self-loathing due to what I feel like I don't have. But that's how it came to me, so I'm sticking with it.)

I can't take charge. I can't take control. Certainly not over others, and probably not even over myself. I wish I could do it, I wish I had the nerve or the guts or the confidence. I just don't. I can be walked all over (by those people who anger me from Card 4). I don't defend myself. I sometimes feel like I can't defend myself. Helplessness, and feeling pathetic because of it.
 

coyoteblack

I dont think there is a wrong way of doing this only suggestions. If your way works for you then I would think you should use it .