Domestic abuse cards

celticnoodle

I think for some of these cards it'd be reversed (reversed emperor and empress, for example).

yes, sometimes. but it really depends on the surrounding cards with them. these cards can still be read in a negative light in the upright position. at least, in my opinion.
 

nisaba

I am wondering what cards or pairs you might see that would lead to to an insight that domestic abuse was occurring in a relationship. Not necessarily physical, but also verbal, emotional....

I'd be looking at body-language. Stooped shoulders, darting eyes, nervousness. Only then would I look for cards, and even then I can't think of a single one that would definitively indicate abuse. Even dearly-loved cards like the Hermit or the Empress mght indicate it - an aloof, emotionally withdrawn person who does put-downs, or a restrictive, controlling woman.
 

triple_entendre

yes, sometimes. but it really depends on the surrounding cards with them. these cards can still be read in a negative light in the upright position. at least, in my opinion.

I agree! A friend of mine had a stalker with a crush, they used to be friends but she left after the constant criticism, jealousy, and controlling behavior made even friendship impossible. This other person's motivations? Represented in my spreads as the 10 of Cups, upright. Rainbows and children playing while their parents(?) hug each other and watch are the last things we would commonly associate with abuse, but to me... the tens are excessive, and water is a clingy and emotive element.

The abuser came up in my spreads as the Knight of Wands, in close proximity with the Five of Swords.
 

SunChariot

I am wondering what cards or pairs you might see that would lead to to an insight that domestic abuse was occurring in a relationship. Not necessarily physical, but also verbal, emotional....

I've been looking at this post for a while, thinking if I should answer. LOL I was not sure my answer would be helpful. But finially I decided to write it and you decide.

So my answer is that I would not ge that meaning from any card or combination of cards per se. I am not saying I could not see that in the cards, I defintely could. And of course the cards can talk about anything at all.

But, for me personally, I would have to get that from the card image. 80-90% of what I see in the cards comes from the image anyway, because of my style of reading which is mainly intuitive. But there is no card or combination of cards that would say that to me across the board with any deck. I would have to see something in the image that made me see that there.

Babs
 

rainbowgryphon

From a survivor

I'm an emotional abuse survivor, so I'm glad to see this topic being brought up. All too often, emotional/mental/psychological abuse is seen as milder than physical or sexual abuse and something the victim should just "get over."

I agree with a lot of people here about The Devil because all abuse is cruel and I see that cruelty in The Devil. I also agree that the 8 of Swords shows the feeling of being trapped, which so many of us have.

I seem to remember reading somewhere that the King of Swords, reversed, can represent a control-freak (not necessarily a guy, of course). The person who mentioned The Empress as a smotherer (also not necessarily a woman) was right on--smothering is a very destructive form of emotional abuse (first-hand experience with that!). I also see the Queen of Cups, reversed, as a smotherer.

Strength, reversed, can express the helplessness of the abuse victim. The 3 of Swords can also express the sorrow and heartache and the 9 of Swords the despair.

I wouldn't be surprised if querents involved in emotionally abusive relationships who seek guidance from Tarot are mostly looking for validation. As caridwen pointed out, it's all about mind games, and often victims are given "logical" reasons why they're being treated badly. The "Am I crazy" syndrome is common with this type of abuse because there are no bruises or inappropriate sexual violations as "proof" that we're being hurt. Even just acknowledging that the cards show a hurtful situation that's disempowering the querent can empower some of them to seek help.
 

tarotcognito

I'm an emotional abuse survivor, so I'm glad to see this topic being brought up. All too often, emotional/mental/psychological abuse is seen as milder than physical or sexual abuse and something the victim should just "get over."
I am so sorry to hear this, rg. :( It's such a tragedy and a real shame that abuse of any kind is so rampant...
I agree with a lot of people here about The Devil because all abuse is cruel and I see that cruelty in The Devil. I also agree that the 8 of Swords shows the feeling of being trapped, which so many of us have. I seem to remember reading somewhere that the King of Swords, reversed, can represent a control-freak (not necessarily a guy, of course).
Yes, definitely the King of Swords ill-aspected (that popped into my mind last night after I went to bed). I totally agree with this, especially for (but not limited to) situations of verbal abuse. All abusers are control freaks; it's how that control is expressed that varies. I can see an ill-aspected King of Wands as a spouse-beater and an ill-aspected King of Cups as an emotional abuser. King of Coins, control of finances and assets, stealing or breaking things belonging to the victim, that sort of thing.
The person who mentioned The Empress as a smotherer (also not necessarily a woman) was right on--smothering is a very destructive form of emotional abuse (first-hand experience with that!). I also see the Queen of Cups, reversed, as a smotherer.
Indubitably.
Strength, reversed, can express the helplessness of the abuse victim. The 3 of Swords can also express the sorrow and heartache and the 9 of Swords the despair.

I wouldn't be surprised if querents involved in emotionally abusive relationships who seek guidance from Tarot are mostly looking for validation. As caridwen pointed out, it's all about mind games, and often victims are given "logical" reasons why they're being treated badly. The "Am I crazy" syndrome is common with this type of abuse because there are no bruises or inappropriate sexual violations as "proof" that we're being hurt. Even just acknowledging that the cards show a hurtful situation that's disempowering the querent can empower some of them to seek help.
Yes, absolutely. Compassion and empathy can help. There's not nearly enough of either in the world, in my opinion.
 

rainbowgryphon

I am so sorry to hear this, rg. :( It's such a tragedy and a real shame that abuse of any kind is so rampant...

Thank you, Lokasenna, for your kind words. I really do appreciate them! :)

Yes, definitely the King of Swords ill-aspected (that popped into my mind last night after I went to bed). I totally agree with this, especially for (but not limited to) situations of verbal abuse. All abusers are control freaks; it's how that control is expressed that varies. I can see an ill-aspected King of Wands as a spouse-beater and an ill-aspected King of Cups as an emotional abuser. King of Coins, control of finances and assets, stealing or breaking things belonging to the victim, that sort of thing.

Great insight on the Kings. I do want to comment, though, on the King of Cups. I personally believe that ALL abuse is, at heart, emotional abuse. I've read some research studies that confirm this as well. So to say that the King of Cups is an emotional abuser may not be specific enough. Possibly we're looking at a clingy person (possessive, jealous, smothering, doesn't like his/her partner to do things without them, etc.).

I think someone commented that the cards don't necessarily have to be reversed to represent these characteristics, though, and thinking about it more, I agree with this. Possibly reversed Courts show more blatant abuse while upright show more subtle abuse. That can make a difference with the "Am I crazy" factor. Some abuse victims have said they almost wished their abuser had been physically/sexually abusive so that they wouldn't have these doubts gnawing at them!

If I were reading for someone who I thought was being abused and I got a Court that was upright that I believed represented the abuser, my first goal would be to get the querent to validate their feelings and experiences. The first step to taking action with this is to admit that it shouldn't be happening to them, which is much more difficult with non-physical abuse.
 

Simone95

I've been looking at this post for a while, thinking if I should answer. LOL I was not sure my answer would be helpful. But finially I decided to write it and you decide.

So my answer is that I would not ge that meaning from any card or combination of cards per se. I am not saying I could not see that in the cards, I defintely could. And of course the cards can talk about anything at all.

But, for me personally, I would have to get that from the card image. 80-90% of what I see in the cards comes from the image anyway, because of my style of reading which is mainly intuitive. But there is no card or combination of cards that would say that to me across the board with any deck. I would have to see something in the image that made me see that there.

Babs
Ahh- yes. This makes a lot of sense to me as I often have a hard time reading the cards or offer an interpretation when I dont see images in the cards. I think this is why I often like to read with a single card!
Thank you for pointing this out! I am glad you decided to chime in!
Thanks Babs
 

Simone95

I'd be looking at body-language. Stooped shoulders, darting eyes, nervousness. Only then would I look for cards, and even then I can't think of a single one that would definitively indicate abuse. Even dearly-loved cards like the Hermit or the Empress mght indicate it - an aloof, emotionally withdrawn person who does put-downs, or a restrictive, controlling woman.

I think this is a very valid point. I see what your saying and I appreciate your observance of a clients behavior in that way! It really shows that a reader can take clues from beyond just looking at the cards.... I feel like saying Duh right now. Lol
Thank you!
 

Pet Jeffery

In the UK a woman will have been attacked on average 35 times before she reaches out for help. So you are right about it being ongoing - that does not include how long it has taken for her abuser to groom her which may have been years.

There is a bottom point however and that is death. On average 2 women a week are murdered by their violent partners.

That's the UK. Some countries are considerably higher for example in Russia there is a gender genocide going on and the figures run into their thousands.

As a former Victim Support worker, I'm all too well aware of these appalling facts. In fact, I did some work with domestic violence victims. The first was rather a baptism of fire. Victim Support in Newham sent me on a home visit to a female victim of assault. It was only after starting to speak with her that I learnt that it was domestic violence, and that the perpetrator might return at any time.

And you are, of course, right in saying that the death of the victim marks a bottom point. That fact passed through my head when I posted that the 9 of Swords may be more appropriate than the 10. But that bottom point places the victim beyond any guidance from the tarot, and hence (I suppose) beyond the remit of this thread.