Pathwalker's questions lesson nine + task
Lesson Nine Questions
1. Which deeply-seated fears need the fearless action of the Sword Knight?
- I think I fear being told off by people, being made to feel like a naughty child again. Like I'm not good enough, like I don't make the grade; even thoguh I don't think I ever understood the how or why of the situation.
Loooking back now, I don't think I could ever have "done it right". Just by being, I was in the wrong (not by being the child I was, but by being in their situation). The adult in me tries to rationalise this - but the child in me fears the anger, the blame, the helpless confusion of not being able to keep to rules you don't know.
So I keep people away - what doesn't get near you can't hurt you. But I fear you miss something that way - for there is a void.
So I need to be able to face emotional hurt, and know I will find a way through it? That's a tough lesson.
2. In which areas of your life do you need to be more adaptable?
-"Adaptable" seems like a strange word , a strange concept to use here. I read it as being 'changable to a different situation, a differnt use'. And I don't really see how it applies. As a wife and mother I think I am prety adaptable. Am I missing something?
LATER - Maybe! I am quite fond of rules, and then sticking to them. Presumably to be in control, and not the confused child always in the wrong from the previous question.
So maybe I could do with being more relaxed. flexible, spontaneous.
3. What lies imprisoned within you?
- Anger and pain. The unfairness of it all. The lack of the parent I needed. The unresolved angst (which only I can change, I can see that). The child who had needs, and much to learn, pushed out, critisied, compared and always found lacking
??? Does this mean there's a woman (goddess) of poise and compassion, with calm gentleness and uncritical everlasting love, held behind the bars of pain and rage? I believe so, and I want to free her.
4. Which part of yourself is undernourished?
- My heart. No-one truly feeds my heart, and my sense of worth and wonderfulness.
***Here is what's missing - she died without ever really giving me her approval, or an acknowledgement of wrong, or an apology for sadness caused. So I feel wrong and wronged, and in search of satisfaction all the time (from outside myself). It will never be outside myself will it, only within is it found.
5. How are you sabotaging your own life right now? Look at the areas of untidy of sloppy thinking/planning/organisation. How can you sharpen up your act?
- I'm not always very good at sticking to a task I've started. I get up and wander away, do several things at once, don't start things I should do. I lack aim somehow, determination, focus.
I guess a really strong plan/timetable/to-do list might help, written oin the morning, to help me focus on doing tasks I need to get done.
6. Who or what do you blame when things go wrong? Objectively assess why you blame and what lies at the root of troubles you may be currently facing.
- The child in me blames others. I want to see myself as blameless, because I KNEW (then) that no-one else would take my side - not siblings, not a parent or grandparent, no one.
Now it's an ingrained habit (needs scrubbing, like dirt from gardening) and I try to be 'right' always.There is such pomposity of my own view point there too - the "always right" attitude (of father) and the "better than everyone else" attitude, also father.
My current "trouble" is a deep sadness (a certain time of year/event). I need to see that "I" am what I need - not someone who is gone.
--- This has been a really searching set of questions, and I see myself still laying blame at other's doors! But now I simply understand those things as causes for behaviour patterns that have taken root in me - and that the solution to all the unhelpful patterns is within me - whether the folks concerned are alive or dead. It was never within their power to change my adult behaviours and thought patterns, that was childish thinking on my part.
TASK
The taks for this week was a period of rest! And you know it's hard to know what to do with rest, if you don't fall asleep. I'm so used to being active, reading or knitting or whathaveyou even if I'm sitting still, that just being awake and non-active wa odd.
I think it was partly to let some of the insights which may have come from the questions sink in more thoroughly, or to give you time to consider what you might need. It was pleasant, and I used a crystal during some of the time too.
