[LGBT] Concerns about asking the cards for guidance on coming out

Hey everybody,

What kind of question would you ask the cards regarding coming out to your parents? Would you trust your deck for such a decision in your life? How would you phrase concerns about safety in regard to parents' reaction and new life paradigm? Would you include a boyfriend/girlfriend in the question, or maybe a follow-up, or just leave 'em out of it for the time being?

I've been meaning to ask my cards something about that, but I'm afraid I'll get very confused if I phrase it wrong, or if I ask something they're just not made to answer. I read it in another thread that there's no point in asking, “Is my friend gay?” But it's okay to ask, “How will that person react if I hit on him/her?”

And that got me wondering about finding out what my father would think or how he'd feel about, you know, me. It's not like we share a lot of what's going on in our lives, but that dusty old burden of being forced to stay in defcon 1 all the time — regardless of being around them just in case they show up unannounced — is making me really tired. (To straight people, just to make a point: can you imagine what it's like to be afraid of your parents hearing you say the name of a person of the same gender as yourself in your sleep?)

Suppose the reading goes well and shows pretty cards like the 9 of Cups, Lovers, Empress, maybe a few Queens, and possibly something that says the bad scenario is only in my fears and illusions, like the 9 of Swords and the Moon. Would you trust that? Would that make you ready for the talk?

I realize it's too broad an issue to just ask a single question beginning in a capital letter and ending in a question mark. That's why I'm focusing on reliability and good phrasing. Maybe a few (say 3 or 4?) Celtic Cross readings with carefully planned words could cover it? In fact, would you use another spread? That's yet another question right there...

Sorry if I'm rambling on and on, it's 5:30 AM where I live right now and I think I just need to get some sleep.

Anyways, thanks in advance!

EDIT: Oh, by the way. As it's happened before, in case this thread is in the wrong place, I apologize! No mess intended.

Personally, I don't trust Tarot to make any decisions for me. Tarot is a good adviser, but you're still the king/queen of your own realm, so it's up to you to make the final decision and then take a full responsibility for it.

The question I would ask would probably go along the lines of 'How do I go about coming out to my parents?/What's the best way to present that information to them?'. I currently use a 7-card spread that works almost universally for me, and for this question the cards would include my and my parents' current attitudes/relationship, a key factor to consider, and the actual answer to the question outlined above (advice on how to go about it). Perhaps, I would also do it twice, first for my father, then for my mother, because they're very different and might need a different approach.

Good luck with your coming out!

When you say you're afraid of your parents then the answer should be surely "no". Don't trust your deck with this decision. But in my opinion this had nothing to do with trusting the cards; like Hajo Banzhaf said, the cards are good advisors but bad masters.

Of course I asked similar questions.... but the answers didn't help me with this decision. I would rather ask questions like "how can I react of they deny me" or something like that. Questions that give you something to think about so you can keep a cool head during the outing. Especially since we all have a strong bond to our parents - be it a positive or a negative one. And I think that such strong feelings will bias the reader heavily. I wouldn't trust my own predictions concerning the reactions of my parents.

Therefore, find a question that helps you to cope with the situation. In deciding the timing of your outing (or if you even should come out to them), I think it's best to trust your own reason. And get some support from friends or a local LGBT-organization.

Hi Earthly Bird,

Well first of all you are really amazing for thinking this all through! As regard to the Tarot cards, use them for guidance but you must base it on how you feel in yourself. If you feel you want to come out at this time do it, make sure you have back up with friends and loved ones and people who will definitely support you and also consider if your situation is safe. If it could put you in danger or you might feel unsafe, leave it for a while. Take your time with it, do it when you feel strong enough and ready! It has to be your own personal decision considering all the factors. Tarot can really help and guide you, but it's your own choice when to do it I would come out first and then tell them if you have a boyfriend. One step at a time. It's probably not a good idea to introduce a boyf when then coming out

I am not out to everyone in my life because of complicated and boring reasons, the loved ones who do know, don't really care and it's not changed our relationship. Also all of AT knows But I have saved the most difficult to last in my case and came out to different people at different times. I told my best friend in high school and my brother a few years after. So for me it's a gradual thing when I feel safe and comfort enough to do it and the moment comes up. My friends who are out to everyone say it's a really freeing experience, it's much better than hiding it! less stress, more free. Some of my gay and lesbian friends had difficult relatives and it was difficult at the start but they did come around in the end! There is a lot of resources in your country about coming out, search the internet! there a lot of guides and you are not alone on this

I think with tarot with this very difficult choice, you really want to know what will happen? how will people react? Will it affect your life negativity if you do it? I found you a wonderful spread on the forums for it, try this one
You can change it around to fit you personally. If you are unsure of the cards you could post your spread in "your readings". I don't mind looking at it! make sure you follow the posting rules if you do that and give your own take on each card first

If you do the spread, you don't need to really think of a question. If you want to ask questions, avoid answers with yes or no, like "should I come out now?" the tarot will give a more basic answer to yes or no, try for "how will people react to me coming out?" or "how will my life be affected if I come out now?". Try to word it so that the tarot can give a full range of answers, yes or no endings only give it two choices for outcome

I guess what I am saying is don't base your decision entirely on tarot, I think it can really help though! ultimately you must decide when you want to do it! you don't have to do it to everyone at once and there is no hurry! Good luck with it all
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=56748

(Disclaimer. I am not gay But the principle holds. I'd be the same about "shall I tell my husband about my affair..." )

The cards would not be a good way to decide WHETHER to go through with it. (But if you are THAT tired of worrying about whose name you might utter while dreaming, you seem to have answered that question for yourself; the issue is what happens next.)

What you need to know is how you will cope with any fall-out. I'd ask the cards that kind of thing. You COULD try "how will my father take this" - but the answer is likely to be equivocal anyway.

The question is about you, when it comes down to it. You have to BE you. What you actually need to know is how you will cope if they react badly, or decide to disown you - that's what it comes down to. If you want to read on this - ask the cards something like that.

Has it occurred to you that they may already know ? Parents can surprise you that way. Or - you know them - is that a non-starter ? You could drop the odd hint, or try talking about gay issues in general and see if your father starts to spit; that would suggest - maybe not...

Good luck.

You should not allow the cards to 'make the decision for you' - that is not what Tarot is for.

Quite truthfully (yes - I AM gay), this is such an important question and such a devastating decision to make - that quite truthfully and honestly I would not be doing this reading for myself. I would try to find someone else to do the reading for me. When you have a lot of time and emotion invested in the outcome of a question - and are very ambivalent about what the way to proceed is - the cards could very easily be reflecting the angst and confusion you are feeling and reflect it all back at you - not answering your question at all but merely showing you a reflection of your mindset at the time.

Also, in interpreting the response to a question so personal to you, you may tend to look for only the negative - or be delving for the positive - no matter what the cards say.

I think you need to find an objective other person to read these cards for you.

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The question you should be asking should be along the lines of 'How does/will my coming out affect those I love the most?', not 'Will my parents throw me out of the house when I tell them I am gay?' 'What kinds of support can I expect when I come out?' not 'How are people going to react when I come out?'

I think your questions should reflect that you ARE going to come out, and make your decision based on the responses you receive. Asking 'Should I come out or should I stay in the closet?' is not a decision I would leave to a pack of cards.

I have seen some great pieces of advice here for you, Earthly Bird

I'm going to share little bits of my experience, as I regard it as one of the first sort-of-intelligent uses of tarot I made. I'm not saying that you have to go about this issue in the same way: I'm only sharing because maybe you can pick up something useful.

First off, I took A LOT of time, and by a lot of time I mean several days, and I decided to do no more than one spread per day. Secondly, I completely ruled out the idea of making my decision based on the cards: I was going to come out anyway, simply because I couldn't bear the situation any longer. So I agree with gregory that it is not a great idea to decide whether to come out or not based on a spread. Third, I decided to use the tarot primarily to analyze myself, and only after to clarify the situation or the possible outcome. Finally I recorded most of my thoughts on a small notebook as I proceeded.

So the first few days I did some readings on my psychological situation, particularly on why I had come to that decision and how my social/familiar environment had contributed to my fears of rejection. I can't stress enough how useful this first step was for me, as it allowed me to recover and finally understand episodes of my life up to that point that I had left in a limbo in my brain. After that I also used a couple of spreads to weigh the pros and cons of coming out, just to understand the full consequences of what I was going to do. The last part I remember was mostly about the people I was going to come out to, and I asked more or less how to best introduce the subject and how to prepare for their possible resistences.

All in all it was a very helpful experience for me, although it kind of reflects my detail freak attitude One question I later thought I should have asked was "What am I going to have to account for?". You see, we spend so much time, years in some cases, thinking about that moment that some things that become absolutely obvious to us are not so obvious for the people around us, and not necessarily because they want to be mean or insensitive, so I completely forgot to take into account dumb questions like "But if you've never been with a woman, how do you know you are gay?". In other words, tarot can be of great help, but the actual moment when you come out will have a feeling of reality to it that no spread will ever be able to convey, so it is good to remain open and flexible, even if you decide to use the cards.

My only advice for you is to quit your experiments with the tarot as soon as you find out that overthinking it is causing more confusion than clarification or healthy doubt. I'm telling you this because I have a tendency to overthink and overanalyze, although on that occasion I was pretty proud of the results I got from my deck.

However you'll decide to proceed, good luck

As others have said, allowing tarot to make the decision for you is a bad idea. Asking the tarot for guidance on the other hand is a good idea.

As often happens with coming out stories, one parent may react positively and one may react negatively. So I would do separate readings for each person you're concerned about. (And use the same spread for each reading so you can compare apples to apples and not apples to Mercedes.)

I don't think that assuming a negative reaction (especially on your father's part based on what you've written) is a bad thing. So I don't think you necessarily need to read on the reactions. A better topic might be something like "What long term effect will my coming out have on my relationship with X?" Or you could ask something like "What can I do to minimize any negative long term effect on my relationship with X when I come out to them?"

You can also ask a series of "What is the best way to come out to X to minimize unpleasantness between the two of us?" questions.

And tarotbear is right that you may be too close to the situation to be able to objectively do the reading(s) yourself. Of course you can always post the reading(s) in Your Readings, but you may not want to put your dirty laundry out in public like that. Or you can ask someone you trust to do the reading(s) for you.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you live with your parents. So tarot aside, you should make contingency plans in case you get thrown out of the house. Who can you stay with (and for how long) who won't care that you're LGBT? Will you be able to support yourself if your parents cut off financial support? Sometimes biting one's tongue is the lesser of two evils. And depending on what the readings show (and your own general sense of things), you might consider coming out to one parent and not the other just yet.

As for what spread to use, you might take a look at the Crossroads and Decision-Making section of the TAROT SPREADS INDEX for some ideas.

Good luck to you!
Rodney

I'm just wondering why, if gay people "have to come out", straight people don't have to.

Years ago, I used to read Tarot at a place which has since closed down, the Pentacles Cafe at The Entrance (the former owner is now working as an employee in a pie shop).

It was owned by a woman called D: middle-aged and comfortable, and with a nasty, nasty husband who used to hang around the cafe pretending to work and just being sleazy. I had a female partner and a younger-teenage daughter at the time. I made no effort to conceal my family situation, but I made no effort to shout it from the rooftops, either.

One day, D came and sat down beside me, and put an arm over my shoulders. Oh hello here we go, I thought, she is going to ask me to leave, or she's going to ask if she can stay in our spare room.

Neither of the above. The first words out of her mouth were: "Why didn't you tell me you were a lesbian? Didn't you feel you could tell me?"

I did the only thing a red-blooded lesbian *could* do in that situation. I did a huge doubletake, and said: "You mean you're NOT? Why didn't you tell me you were straight - didn't you feel you could tell me?"

She looked at me oddly, removed her arm, stood up, and went back to working. It was never mentioned between us again. <cackle>

Why don't you just try something simple to focus on the family dynamic a little more? Because gay acceptance or not, it seems like you're concerned about the family dynamics changing...

I would just lay three cards out in a line like this:

Dad's primary response to the issue of homosexuality:
Mom's primary response to the issue of homosexuality:
My primary response to the issue of homosexuality:

Now, it may seem odd to include yourself there, but it may help to see how your card interacts with your dad and your mom's cards. It may show how you are currently approaching the issue with them, or give you some idea of how to approach (or not).

I chose the word response because that implies a more carefully thought out or deeper sense of feeling toward the issue... because their reaction could still be one of shock, but the fact that you're their child and they love you may override that reaction, for example.

Obviously this spread isn't designed to decide for you, but it could help you think and bring some clarity to the issue for you.