[LGBT] Concerns about asking the cards for guidance on coming out

nisaba said:

<grin> Yes, but I was also making a serious point to her - and by retelling it, to the people in this thread.

It is not incumbent on a person to come out about their sexuality. After all, I don't remember my parents EVER calling a big family gathering, clearing their throats looking embarrassed, and telling us all that they were ... er ... straight, and that to be straight was actually okay and didn't mean they loved us less. Nope, that never happened. My parents never came out as straight. I'm willing to bet most of YOUR parents didn't have the courage to come out, either.

If your parents haven't come out to you, why should you come out to them? Just take the people-of-your-choice to Family Christmases and Family Birthdays. After about twenty years of taking along people of my own gender and insisting I was NEVER getting married, they finally got it.

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A subliminal coming-out then?

You're completely right about this point. A coming-out should not be necessary. But in most parts of the world homosexuality is at least regarded as "not normal".

That's why a lot of us thought to be straight for some time of their lives. Some even decades of their lives.

But coming-out should not be a duty... it should be a ordinal choice, depending on the circumstances. I too haven't come out to some people and I wouldn't let the cards decide if or when I should. They only can help me in getting my thoughts straight (haha).

Farzon said:

A subliminal coming-out then?

You're completely right about this point. A coming-out should not be necessary. But in most parts of the world homosexuality is at least regarded as "not normal".

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And that's *exactly* the mindset I'm fighting.

And although I applaud that approach, I also think there is also a certain amount of projecting going on. Coming with a same-sex spouse to a gathering is coming out, and things might have turned out very differently for you, in an alternate universe. You might have been ostracized or worse, depending on your situation, environment and upbringing. Your own experiences do not sweep aside the bigger picture.

Relationships with parents are complicated in the best of circumstances, and LGBTQ children compound that. Coming out is not only to assert "gayness" as a fact, but also sharing and including one's parents in your life. You specifically may not have felt the need to include your parents in your day to day life (I'm assuming), call your mother after a bad date, etc., but some people do need or want that, and it is important for them.

I absolutely agree with closrapexa. I am aware of a family where the son's parents were invited to a wedding. A same sex wedding. Out of the blue.

What happened next would not, I think, have been as awful for everyone if there had been SOME forewarning. And if I were gay, I would hate to be "outed" by my parents walking into a restaurant and seeing me obviously on a date with another woman. Sure, it should in an ideal world be the same if I were on a date with a guy (Actually with my parents it probably would have been - sheer rage that I was out with ANYONE they didn't know...) - but... And that's not to mention the fallout for the poor person I was out with. They shouldn't be subjected to that. It effectively says to them that you were ashamed to be with them.

And there is the issue of parents - who - however accepting they are - look forward to Their Line being carried on. There is less (LESS - I didn't say none !) chance of that if their child is gay or lesbian. The sooner they get past any sense of disappointment, the easier it is for everyone.

I think we really DO need a 'Coming Out Stories Thread' - but since it would be in Chat the non-paying members would not be able to read it?

Yes. Any kind of "deviant" sexuality - well people are still murdered for this in many parts of the world. It's a hugely complicated subject. Caution is important.

tarotbear said:

I think we really DO need a 'Coming Out Stories Thread' - but since it would be in Chat the non-paying members would not be able to read it?

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Yes. We wouldn't.