"How so? When? In what respect?"
Here is the general principle of life. Your sense are the means by which you experience it. It is why the Grades of the Outer Order of the Golden Dawn are wedded to the senses, as are the elements and the sacraments of the mystic Repast. I included these below for reference.
When you are called to do something and you do not do it, or turn your back on it, you suffer. You were given a place in Humanity, and chose, sadly, not to take it. I honestly know a little more of this story of the role of Pixie Smith in the Golden Dawn than is published. I think she was mstaken to have left with Waite, and I think he so impressed her, and she was so optimistic of her future that he was easily able to sway her.
I think the schism that rocked the Golden Dawn was one of which few people recovered. They took an oath TO EACH OTHER in front of the awesome terrible lord of the universe, deprived of their senses and asking should they violate them, they be harshly dealt with by all manner of bad stuff. The thing was, these oaths were actually fairly Masonic Rhetoric, verbally. Cross my heart, hope to die stuff. The problem was Masons are not Magicians. They were surrounded by all kinds of self-created and channeled projections of the highest sort, in the presence of all of the forces of fate, and asking for, in most cases, exactly what they got.
The whole system works much better if your Oaths are understood as penalties with benefits. "May my tongue be ripped out of its skull" becomes "May my speech be far from hollow and intellectual."
But their susperstitions got the better of them, and so they ran. Many *got* it. A lot did not. The tragedy is, this DOES work, but it works in the mind of the Candidate who is not superstitious for benefit. To the person afraid, it has the opposite effect. Guilt and Shame take hold. They are deprived BY THEMSELVES of their joy and sustenance in life. They, in short, psychically and subconsciously sabotague themselves.
I feel, and have as much confirmation as I need that she had regret over Waite's actions and her part in them in dividing the Order. She left his group shortly thereafter, and despite all her work, was almost never heard of. This doesn't mean I think this is what she gets for leaving the G.D., it means tragically, this the lesson you learn for betraying what you hoped to be true and are called to do. I think that is what she did, and her symbolic gesture, subconscious or otherwise, of that was joining the one religion contrary to Oaths she took, but may have not understood. It was her "Telestai" though long before she was on the Rose Cross.
The Elements of the Mystic Repast
Hear Sound (Active Spirit - Hierophant Invocation)
Hear Silence (Passive Spirit - All take part of the following in Silence)
Smell Rose (Air)
Feel and See Fire (Fire as light it is spirit visible, grows rose, grape, grain)
Taste Wine (Water - from Earth )
Feel Bread (Soft) and Salt (Hard)
Spirit Active - TELESTAI (The Kerux destroys the Slience)
The "feel" is difficult to understand, until one considered there are more nerve endings in the tongue than in any of the other appendages that men and women commonly share. This was a co-ed mystery, and especially the
Mathers who were married in abstinence were certainly not going further down a road toward other nerve endings that Crowley barreled down head to the wind, so to speak.
Some complain each element is inclusive of the others.
That is exactly the point.
Sound is Spirit, invoked by the Silence of the entire Sacrament, and destroyed by the Telestai of the Kerux. The tragedy of the Death which confounds beauty of the Rose Cross.
All of this is key to understanding.