SWWF ~ Shadow Work Group ~ Ta'Om ~ AJ & Kahlie

All the very best of everything life can offer, on this, your special day Kahlie!

Are you a liar? See, this is why the idea of what we don't like in other people is what we hide from ourselves kind of goes over my head. Thieves, vandals, drug pushers, porn addicits... can't stand them, but there is absolutely nothing about me like those people so where does the old chestnut of being like them come in?

AJ said:

All the very best of everything life can offer, on this, your special day Kahlie!

Are you a liar? See, this is why the idea of what we don't like in other people is what we hide from ourselves kind of goes over my head. Thieves, vandals, drug pushers, porn addicits... can't stand them, but there is absolutely nothing about me like those people so where does the old chestnut of being like them come in?

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Thanks for the wishes

It's not always that you are like that... sometimes it's about values you hold dear and that makes it hard to be accepting/tolerant to others who do the opposite.

I'm very honest, I don't lie, I hate people who lie, because I feel it's done by personal gain, often causes a lot of hurt feelings and these are things that are very high in my value list. I have to learn to be more tolerant.

Hate thieves? How materialistic are you? How important are your possessions to you? Why is it hard to be tolerant to thieves? What are the stereotypes you put into thieves? What 'type' of thievery could you condone?

Hate Vandals? Do you feel they do useless violence? Do you hate people who can't control their anger and destructive urges? Are you afraid you can't control yours? etc. etc.

It's much more complicated then that you are like that somewhere in your life. The odd thing is that I don't like the porn industry as I feel they degrade people, but I don't hate porn stars, pimps, strippers or whatever... but I hate liars

Kahlie

I don't hate anyone, it eats the hater alive and while the hated one goes unconcernedly along. That is the voice of experience, not ever going that route again.

AJ said:

I don't hate anyone, it eats the hater alive and while the hated one goes unconcernedly along. That is the voice of experience, not ever going that route again.

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Well, you are ahead of me then! Sometimes I still have these little twinges and I know I gotta work on them. It just gets me so upset to see people abusing each other. And when I see a pattern of being an abuser for years (past 8 or 9 I think), I know I might not hate her, but... lots of negativity is there!

I haven't been around much as my birthday and subsequent partying ate most of my time. As some of my friends invited me to come over and be with them for a day... Ah, the dear age of 25...

On top of that, I've been sleeping rather like shit, mostly by my own fault. I have this tendency to run from shit that I don't know how to handle quite well, sometimes even without knowing it. So I then have no clue why I stay awake till 5.00 AM. Only that something is up... because I suppressed what it is. Hasn't happened in quite a long time...

I think I've worked through it now, I hope so at least... After my friend Rita took months of teasing me with it, I finally got the message that indeed one of my friends is feeling a bit too much for me and the feeling isn't mutual. He's being flirtatious , coming on to me and trying to come by as much as possible... Apparently, another of my friends is also catching on and acting rather jealous... Oh dear!

In any case, he's very fragile, so I didn't know what to do. I know I have to let him know I'm not interested but he's been hurt quite a lot by females and he hasn't admitted any feelings or asked me out on a date...
Saying: "Hey, I know you have feelings for me" is kinda off-putting.

Struggling with my age old problems of: "I don't want to hurt anybody" and "I know if I'm not honest he's going to be even more hurt". At least I'm thinking now I know a better tack to go for... aka "Your behavior is making me uncomfortable" which is very very true and that way he doesn't have to admit there is something.

I also told him that I don't see anybody worth dating in my life - but I fear he didn't take the point

There is also lots more going on which I will do in another post... Ta'Om is keeping me busy!

Kahlie

So right now I'm sitting down, pondering on how uncomfortable the past week has been, I recognize that truly I have been doing Shadow Work again I usually do not do it for such a long time at once, just now and then. I must say that at least it has really allowed me to work on things and not shove them under the rug.

So, as an exercise I first spend around 5 minutes with some lovely Crystals and reminding myself that I love and accept myself as I am. I don't think I made the 5 minutes, but alright... I'm impatient sometimes

Then I sat and talked to Ta'Om.

Ta'Om told me that no, it hasn't been easy for me to walk around this past week, mostly because the week around the birthdays of me, my mom and my brother is always hard on me and this time I chosen to work on the darker parts of myself.

This past week I have seen pettiness in myself. It wasn't pretty, but I was very happy that my parents were in front of a closed door as they had refused to come to my birthday and then planned a 'surprise' visit. I knew they were coming, I also planned to be out... Petty, very petty.

Ta'Om wanted to tell me the story of how the good thinking parents did the bad thing but I told him I already knew that one... I'm still looking for forgiveness in my heart sometimes... I asked which Fae could help me and I got: Flaff the Flooter, who is with me a lot to tell me to ground, earth, center and just be myself

This past week I've seen a very big amount of wallowing in myself, as I grasped other people's sorrow and ran with it. I need to stop doing that. I need to let other people have their sorrow and just be honest. I didn't make this guy fall in love with me, I can't help what he has chosen, but he's making me uncomfortable with his behavior and it needs to stop. I've been overlooking how much this is pissing me off, because all I've been doing is feeling his sorrow, dreaming his sorrow and being upset.

Ta'Om wanted to tell me the story of the girl who felt everybodies sorrow but her own, but I told him I already knew that one too and it didn't have a happy ending before! I need to look more for myself sometimes then others, as I had planned this evening full with help for others, but none for myself, although I've been ill and tired for a while now. I switched it around though, recognizing that *I* need to resolve issues.
I asked which Fae could help me with this situation together with Ta'Om and I got: The Guardian at the Gate. Time to step into this change and let this old behavior go.

This week I've seen old destructive paths come back, including not sleeping, that I thought I had conquered. Man.... that sucked big time!

Ta'Om wanted to talk to me about the story of the woman who thought she needed no sleep, but I told him I already knew that one and I was too tired to listen. He told me no Fae had to help me with this as I seemed to have it in hand and would I please go and watch a nice TV episode before going to bed and just pamper myself a bit instead of doing deep soul searching and shit...

Ta'Om has a way of making me smile, the slimey bugger So I told him to go ahead and watch an episode of the Closer with me.

Kahlie

>>>... I'm still looking for forgiveness in my heart sometimes... <<

What does forgiveness mean to your Kahlie?
What thought/feeling/action takes place for you to have forgiven?

I only learned what it means to me about 4-5 years ago and you are very young. I hope you don't have to wait until you are in your 50's to 'get it' and get on with life.

What I've puzzled and puzzled over this week is the 'negative reaction = my own negative traits'. Haven't gotten far with it, but dwelling on it has opened some thought pockets in the unused areas of my mind, so that must be a good thing.

Got Ta'Om a much better seating arrangement than he has had up till now, If he is still there tomorrow I'll know he approves. If he is back leaned up against the monitor I'll know he thinks sharing that space with my card-of-the-day stinks.

AJ said:

>>>... I'm still looking for forgiveness in my heart sometimes... <<

What does forgiveness mean to your Kahlie?
What thought/feeling/action takes place for you to have forgiven?

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In myself, I have to be able to look at them without being angry, remember bad things without being angry, hear shit without being angry or upset. I must be able to laugh at their antics (some I do now) and to be at peace with whom they are.

Forgiveness is in me, not in them, but it's hard sometimes when I see parents who support their children, love them, know them and nurture them, and mine aren't like that. However, they have the tendency to tell everybody how great parents they are.

Recently, in a phone conversation with my aunt, I told her the truth, she was rather shocked. She thought they would come by to help me since I was so ill, they have not. Not once. Not even right after the hospitalization. My friends came by to cook me dinner.
She thought they supported me financially. They do not. Then she had no more plus points to say about them...

Normally I don't give answers and I just pretend that they are good parents, at least now I'm able to say what's going on, that's nicer at least.

Kahlie

Well AJ,

I got ill and stuff got into the way - but I want to thank you for hanging in there with me for 2 weeks. I've got a lot out of it - but most of it is rather private and I'm still working through it.

I did read something interesting on Negative Reactions == your own negative Trait that at least got me thinking more like: "ok, THIS feels right".

Basically they said:
If you are angry with thieves - it's because deep down you want something for nothing too.
If you are angry with people who say blunt things - it's because deep down you have some blunts things that you can't say but make you miserable nonetheless.

This makes much much more sense to me then all the "You are what you Hate" crap... Maybe because it's a view that's more of a nuance and so fits much more to what's going on.

In any case, THANKS, and I hope to see you around the forum!

Kahlie

Interesting thoughts Kahlie. Thanks for the thread and one more small step up the humanity ladder for me.