Cattle Call – Upcoming Extravaganza!

[firemaiden]

The Pigmy pony looked up from the cafe table where he was busy laying out cards. "Morty? Morty? Morty, my boy?" He gazed around the café, until his beady-little eraser eyes fixated on the far corner table, where ... the rubber chicken was a-snooze in booze.

"No, no, Morty, my pal, not again, we have a reading to do!!"

A cocks-comb raised and waggled, then beak-dived back into a glass of gin, or vodka... or whatever it was... A gurgling heard through the glass - sounded something like "Beeeeeetty, Beeeeeeee Beeeeeeeeeeeeety"

"Yeah, sure pal, whatever" said the talking hippomorphic conglomeration of #2 pencil erasers, and returned to the spread of 36 cards, meticulously laid on his café table, and began erasing.

[Umbrae]

BISTRO MAZARIN, rue Mazarine

The pygmy pony is made of glued together pencil erasers, some are cut off, and some are chewed, and one big rhomboid artist type for the body; there are eraser stringies for the mane; are there eyes? a nose? ears? not sure about the ears....Are there reins? The reins are made of dental floss.

Any how, the Pygmy Pony gallops onto the Parisian café table where Morty is finishing a fine French cognac, and skids to a halt.

MORTY

Whoah, easy there Boy. You’ve just erased my drink!

Morty blows eraser shavings off the table

PYGMYPONY

You got the cards, pal?

Morty begins shuffleing.

PYGMYPONY

Listen, Morty, Huredriel’s asking about her friend – says he seriously isn't *normal* - has a choice looming in front of him, to move far and wide but isn’t sure of the destination. She says this friend is looking for a spiritual home or something.

MORTY

Listen, first it says here the the ell dubya bee that we cut the deck in three piles and note the card on the bottom of each.

Morty’s actions match his words, he turns over the three piles and we see:

Pile one – bottom card: #3 Ship
Pile two – bottom card: #19 Tower
Pile three – bottom card: #26 Book

Morty hands the Pygmy Pony a Pencil.

MORTY

Take this down

PYGMYPONY

Take this down? Take this down? Are you an idiot? Look at me! Do you think I can use the right end of a pencil? My whole job is to remove and leave what’s left!

MORTY

Woah…that’s heavy…so Ship Tower and Book are three ‘statements’ or themes. Gimme that dad blasted pencil and I’ll write it down.

Morty takes notes, then deals out the cards in four rows of eight and the remaining four centered as a fifth row
The cards are: Row One
3 (ship) 24 (rings) blank 11 (whip) 29 (lady) blank blank blank

Row Two:
36 (cross) 35 (anchor) 10 (scythe) 16 (stars) blank blank blank blank

Row Three:
17 (storks) 28 (man) 20 (Park) 6 (clouds) 27 (letter) 21 (mountain) 2 (clover) blank

Row Four
33 (key) 4 (house) 30 (lilies) 7 (snake) blank blank blank blank

Fifth Row
24 (heart) 32 (moon) blank 5 (tree)

MORTY

What are you doing? Look at those blank spots! I put cards down there! What happened? What did you do?

PYGMYPONY

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this…I’m not a real pony. I’m a bunch of erasers, glued together to look like a pony. Cuz you’re a rubber chicken, the producers thought a rubber chicken would look stupid on a real horse. So the art department came up with me. I’m made of erasers. The ones you get off pencils. The little red ones…a couple are green, and then there’s the big pink one that makes up my body. So three guesses buster, what it is I do…? Comprende?

MORTY

Okay okay, looky here. The first card is Ship. Combined with the other three that I wrote down, we have a theme – weighted by Ship. The Ship signifies travels and approaching opportunity. And look here – to the left of the significator, we have the Stork, which means moving – or change of abode. With House directly under the significator! The House is the card of home and prosperity – it’s a good and secure card. And the significator has the Anchor above it! This relates to business and training and is an omen of security and safe harbor. Wow this is cool stuff!

PYGMYPONY

Yada yada yada look at the Key! Just down and left. Look at the cute dragon asleep in front of the egg. And look, he still has his egg tooth! He’s resting now that he’s broken…………………………………………………………………………………….

MORTY

Erase that please, that has nothing to do with the Mystical Lenormand – its’ not common on other Lenormand type decks. This ain’t tarot. It’s a different gig, n’est pas? Although the analogy works. It’s like he’s just broken out into this whole big scary thing.

PYGMYPONY

You mean as scary as the time with the Haunted Garbage Can in Episode Three?

MORTY

Not that kind of scary. Now look at this…to the right, the main horizontal line of cards, the next card is Park. This is a card of social action, society, being in and amongst other people…but you see how there’s the ship, the anchor…this is dominated by business of some sort. I think this represents a very interactive workplace. Moving diagonally up, we find the Scythe, which points away. This also sits above the park, and spells a danger signal. Now in line with the Scythe we find Whips/Birchrod…arguments and conflict. I’m pretty confident there’s going to be trouble, that’s caused by saying something that rubs some the wrong way. And look…Whips/Birchrod is above Clouds which is on the main horizontal, with Stars between them! He’s right to open his mouth – or at least he thinks he is.

Remember the other two Theme cards? Tower and Book. Corporation or Company and Secrets.

Now the next card on the Horizontal is that Cloud card. Troubles…okay we got that…followed by Letter. He gets the information to back up his accusations. Now because Mountain is far away and augmented by Clover. I read once that if the Mountain is far away it’s actually a good thing – something about an ally if danger is present.

PYGMYPONY

Or did you just make that up?

Morty

Really I think I read it…I’ll hunt down the source…here it is, a dog eared ell dubya bee. Now look, under the Clouds is the Snake. That’s how we know there’s betrayal from someone else that the person in question and look at the lilies under the park. It’s really a good situation that our man has to protect.

Why did you erase……………………………………………………………………………

PYGMYPONY

[firemaiden]

PIGMYPONY

La de dah de dah..okay where was I before the rubber chicken so rudely jumped on me.... as I was saying... the key to this spread is the DRAGON card. The whole spread is a story about a dragon awakening, rising, spreading his wings, taking to the air, and assuming his power

MORTY

Dragon card? There is no dragon card! you pile of rubber, it's the............ [erased]

PIGMYPONY

No, no wait, See the dragon sleeping in front that big cave? And whoever broke into that cave poisoned the dragon guarding the egg to make him sleep, then they stole the princess and the treasure inside and left the key.

MORTY

Careful pal, don't scratch your head, you're erasing your mind, I don’t see any princess in this card, First of all, it’s an egg, not a cave, and there is no princess, no cave, and no treasure. And there is no dragon card, it's called the ........... [erased]

PIGMYPONY

They got her in just the nick of time I’d say, it was only a matter of time before the dragon slurped her down.

MORTY

Whoah whoah whoah whoah there, SLOW DOWN. Just like an eraser to think in terms of what’s NOT in the card. No, no, no, listen, Pigmy… This card isn’t about the dragon it’s about the key. It’ the KEY card. There is no cave, it’s an egg. BLUCK BLUCK BLUCK I knows an egg when I sees one… If someone broke in and stole the treasure why would they leave their key?

PIGMYPONY

Ah, see, that’s the part that doesn’t fit, Morty. It’s solid gold too.

MORTY

Nobody has been there, BLUCK BLUCK the dragon himself hatched out of that. I knows about hatching eggs, Pigmy, see, he has still the egg-tooth on his beak to help him hatch. It was big struggle, and he’s exhausted…hard on everything around him too, all the little trees are burnt to a crisp.

PIGMYPONY

Okay wait, I have it!! I have a new story, Morty. It’s called “hatching out of the land of the living dead. See the Land of the Living Dead card?

MORTY

Wait, don't tell me. You're talking about the CROSS card? Alright, there is a cemetery in the card, and a couple of crows...

PIGMYPONY

Right it’s the set for the "Land of the Living Dead". In just a few minutes hands are going to come bursting through the soil. The dragon card shows what’s going on underneath the soil of that cemetery. The souls are stirring, ready to break out, and ascend to the surface, just like the dragon, who just hatched, and is now resting. An awakening Morty, and awakening, like you say -- COCKADOODLE DOODLE DOOOOOOOOO!!!

BATELEUR
(appearing from behind rubber chicken suit)

Oh man, if I’m playing the rubber chicken, who’s going to be the voice of reason here?

PIGMYPONY

Yes! Can’t you hear the earth trembling? The worms are dancing, the crows are having a field day… that’s the little dragon breathing in, and when he breathes out, all hell is going to break loose, he rises up, breaks through the layer of top soil, fries the crows, and heads for the air.

MORTY

Director? Director? This is not in the script…bluck bluck bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu............. [erased]

PIGMYPONY

But don't get excited, pal, it's just a metaphor. No fried chicken is on the menu tonight. I’m saying I see a theme here. The theme of hatching, shedding one’s old skin, bursting out of the old mold.

MORTY

Okay, okay, he hatches out of the egg, yada yada yada and then, what happens to him…?

PIGMYPONY

Ah! Well now you’re catching on! Take a look at the CHINESE FOO-DOG LIONS card – we have an image of two stone lions guarding the entrance to a garden pathway, leading to a fountain, see?

MORTY

That card is called PARK, Pigmy, park…

PIGMYPONY

Now listen carefully, Morty, these weren’t never any lions, or dogs neither, these are Chinese Foo-Dog Lions, which means they are dragons! Dragons again! Don’t you see? It’s the continuation of the story!

MORTY

Okay, it’s true they are Fu-dog lions. But, Pigmy, as I said above, the PARK card is about being in the public arena, performance, a fair, a social situation, it doesn’t matter if there are stone lions or dragons, or other metamorphosing masonry, the card is a symbol, the symbol is specific. (aside) (Listen, Pigmy: Lenormand cards are a specific system, it’s a secret subversive society, to which you and I have not yet been properly initiated, and you are about to blow it for both of us, so shut the bleep up, or I’ll..........… )[erased]

PIGMYPONY

I’m telling you, it means our sleeping dragon has awoken, is now sitting upright, but is feeling he’s made of stone. He’s inert, Morty, my friend. Inert, but alert. However, things are about to get better. Take a look at the OX CART card.

MORTY

No, no, this is not happening… Pigmy, there is no “ox-cart” card.

PIGMYPONY

I'm sorry boss…On the ox-cart card, we have a huge horned beast of burden, attached to a ton of hay that he’s pulling. But the scythe is about to fall, come crashing down and break the yoke, release the burdens. There are two butterflies, two yellow butterflies – fluttering and chasing eachother. Freedom, baby, give me freedom. And see- the ox is a dragon in disguise. The horns give him away. The ox is the dragon who has risen, incarnated, taken his power, and so now he carries his burdens, but he's getting ready to give those burdens the old heave-ho.

MORTY

You’re talking about the SCYTHE card, pal. The direction the scythe points to indicates where the trouble will come from, as I wrote above.

PIGMYPONY

The whole spread is talking about release, freedom, flight, breaking away, breaking out… can’t you see? Even if you look at the PELICAN card – you get the same thing. Here is an anchor where the chain has been broken, an anchor without a ship … the ship has sailed without its anchor… broken free of the chain, get it?

MORTY

BLUCK BLUCK BLUCK No, Pigmy no, no, no. You’re talking about the ANCHOR card. It’s not called the “pelican” it’s the anchor… The anchor is not supposed to be about work. It doesn’t matter if the chain is broken. It’s a symbol, Pigmy… you can’t just.......… [erased]

PIGMYPONY

So we went from hatching and slumbering, to upright, inert, and now… look at the next card…

Morty

CLOUDS!

PIGMYPONY

Yes, in the clouds – a dragon is blowing dark smoke. You see, he’s risen, Morty, he’s risen, he’s taken his power, he’s starting to toot his own horn so to speak. Isn’t that cute? He’s spreading his dark smoke, the way a man spreads his seed… he’s having his say, he’s letting it all out!! Yes, that’s it, he’s venting his steam! Hahahahah. What speaks more loudly of the growth of a soul, than being willing to take the sky and blow some smoke.

MORTY
(sobbing)

Garçon! Bring me another cognac please! (drinking) Ahhhh. That’s better. Okay, Pigmy, is that enough about the dragon now?

PIGMYPONY

Well, there is one more dragon in this spread. Just one more, I promise.

MORTY

Wait don’t tell me… no, no, they didn’t prepare me for this, when they poured me into my mould from the moulten inner tube and shredded cowboy hat, but I’ll burn me feathers, if there isn’t a dragon-fly in the LILIES card.

PIGMYPONY

(I was going to call it the Geisha card, but whatever…) Yes, Morty ma boyd, it's a DRAGON-FLY! So Huredriel's friend will have a spiritual journey alright! Just like the dragon, who slumbered, arose, shed his burdens, took the sky, voiced his anguish, and then, returned to happily buzzing, tending to his lovely life, with the Geisha, and the purple lilies, and the stone Buddha. All will be right, and peaceful in the end.

MORTY

Just like I done tole ya, Pigmy, just like I done tole ya.

[huredriel]

Huredriel sits ...... her jaw dropped to the floor ...... and then gives herself a shake ....... grabs pen and paper and hurriedly writes it all down ....... rubbing out bits as she goes ......... giving a silent chuckle at the thought of fried chicken ....... hmmmmmm tummy rumbles and looks up to make sure that wasn't noticed ..... must get breakfast, must get breakfast ........

Thank you dear Morty and PygmPony ...... I shall ensure my friend gets your message ......... but how will I let you know what they think...... or even plan to do ...... should I get them to write you a letter or should I send it to in here

And as she saunters out through the door can be heard muttering ....... dragons, flying .... hmmm wonder if they'll be paying me a visit!

[firemaiden]

PAPA TOAD’S GARDEN
The scenery shifts abruptly. Paris is removed and a large curtain walls are placed in the background. We can tell that this is an old castle…700 years old. Large hands place the vineyards into position. Fog begins to roll onto the set from both sides. Soon the walls of Framlinham Castle are obscured. The rain begins. Morty and PygmyPony sit under the umbrella’d table from the French Restaurant.

Camera pans down a long letter on a strip of torn paper:

“...He wants to know why when he finally decided he had found "the one", she left the country....He wants to know what we all want to know -- why he can't make a relationship work... But he may have a point in thinking this isn't typical -- as she really did take flight... Literally. In planes. Away. To different countries...”

MORTY

Got it. Cards cannot answer questions like that.

Morty shuffles and his buddy, the little pony, okay – it’s not really a real pony, it’s just a bunch of pencil erasers glued together to look like a horse, Morty’s too big for a real horse, anyways, the little Pygmy Pony cut the deck into three piles.

MORTY

Look at the bottom card in each three piles. See?!? MOUNTAIN – HEART – DOG. Plain as day. Mountains, obstacles, blockage, danger…Heart…three guesses what that’s about, and lastly – a Dog.

PIGMYPONY:

I wanna dog, I wanna dog, I’ll take care of it, pet it, feed it. I promise!

MORTY

When this contract is over you can go pair up with a dog, I hear Lassie may be looking for work, Frasier’s old dog died, but his son is working. A dead look-alike so to speak, well doggone…

PIGMYPONY:

Not funny I wanna doggie…Mountain, heart, dog…obstacles to love and friendship. Wow Morty…that’s heavy

MORTY:

Yeah well…uh…very astute of you, very… obstacles to love and friendship, exactly what was on the tip of my tongue…that was my line, and you’re stepping all over my cues, I’ve just polished them.

PIGMYPONY:

I hate getting new shoes.



Heart-------Book------Stork------Cross--------Dog---------Mountain-----Fox--------Bear
Mice--------Paths------MAN-------Fish---------Park---------Sun-----------Ship--------Owls
Child--------Ring-------Tree-------Anchor------Lily----------Tower---------Rider------Whips
Flowers----Moon------Coffin------Scythe------Snake-------Clouds--------Key--------Stars
--------------------------Clover------House-------LADY-------Letter

PIGMYPONY:

Loook…crowned by the Stork.

MORTY:

Means moving.

PIGMYPONY:

She already did

MORTY:

Paths - He made choices – there were secrets (look at that whole square Heart, Book Paths and Mice. There’s a whole reading there…… ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

PIGMYPONY:

But what about this tree? It’s close that means he’s unhealthy, and see the coffin? That means he’s ……………

MORTY:

No, you can’t say that.

PIGMYPONY:

Okay he’s gonna channnnnnnggggge!!!

MORTY:

No you can’t say that. That’s not what the reading is about. It’s about Mountain Heart Dog.

PIGMYPONY:

You don’t mean the “Harz Mountain Dog?” No? okay… So perhaps he has some kind of…what we might term as uh…hygiene issues. Like keeping a bag of all his fingernail clippings, for his entire life, under the bed; or like when was the last time he had his teeth cleaned? Maybe she found some files on his hard drive? You know – lifestyle hygiene issues.

MORTY:

Wow Pony, that’s heavy, how’d you come up with that?

PIGMYPONY:

I read ahead in the script.

MORTY:

So you’re not psychic?

PIGMYPONY:

No, that’s sidekick.

MORTY:

I had one of those in my contract.

PIGMYPONY:

I’m it.

MORTY:

You’re she?

PIGMYPONY:

……………………………..erase

PIGMYPONY:

…fish tells us about opportunity that needs to be grabbed, it is in the profit position.

MORTY:

Prophet position?

PIGMYPONY:

No Eraserhead, profit position, this relates to work or business.

MORTY:

Holy Poopski Morty, look at what’s in store for that guy!

PIGMYPONY:

Hold it pencil-breath, something is terribly
wrong. We’re outta sync.

MORTY:

Outta the sink? Don’t stick me in the kitchen –
that’s not in my contract.

PIGMYPONY:

No no dear Pony, knowing of course that you’re not a real pony, but a bunch of erasers glued together to make a pony. The little red ones that come off of pencils. They’ve all been neatly cut off, not chewed or anything…well three of ‘em are chewed…there’s a couple of green ones too…anyways, it looks like you’ve erased out too much stage direction and now our voices aren’t synchronized. My voice is coming out your mouth – and visa versa.

MORTY:

Whoa, unless it’s a strike.

PIGMYPONY:

a strike? What’s that?

MORTY:

Refuse to work in order to negotiate a contract with an employer.

PIGMYPONY:

You can do that? What a wonderful concept! Do you think it’s the graphics artists? The Sound guys?

………………..

~this part written mostly by Umbrae

[firemaiden]

FIREMAIDEN

Alright that does it. You two knock it off. Pigmy Pony, take that chicken comb off your head and stop crowing, Oh my god, Morty, stop with the clippety-clop and the sidekick puns already, and get on with the reading, or I’ll call your mother, and tell her what becomes of an inner tube and a cowboy after they’ve come to the end of their useful life.

”PIGMY”

mm mm strmkm!

”MORTY”

Mistress the pony seems to be on strike… or was it myself? Okay, Pigmy where were we?

THE REAL MORTY

We were in Papa Toad’s Garden.

THE REAL PIGMY PONY

Actually, we are in a garden. Take a look at that Heart card, which is the first card and is the theme for the whole reading. I’d like to know who lines up the cards, because the last reading was about a journey in search of spiritual home and the first card was ‘SHIP’ and this is a reading about love and we got the HEART for card number one. Okay, I’m new to these cards but it is not just any old love in this card, it’s the Garden of Eden.

THE REAL MORTY

Before the Fall or After the Fall?

THE REAL PIGMY PONY

Before the fall, Eve still has her apple…or was it a cherry?

THE REAL MORTY

With the Lenormand deck we study card combinations and linguistic constructs’, Piggie, it’s not about falling into the pictures.

THE REAL PIG -ME PONY

You start calling me “Piggie Pony” and I’ll erase you. Anyhow, it’s a garden with a lamb, a lion, a couple of green pears, a squirrel a flamingo, a turtle, an ape, a parrot, and there’s even a rubber rooster – this one’s blue…

MORTY:

Well I’ll be danged…

PIGMY PONY

Of course it could be a peacock…

MORTY

No no, it’s a rooster alright, a true blue rubber rooster. Apparently in paradise, chickens are blue. But I’m sorry, pig--uh …pigmy, there’s a deer, but there’s no pony.

PIGMY

There was before, but he got erased. It’s Paradise Garden, Mortsky, Adam and Eve are there with their strategically placed foliage, I can even see the apple, if I squint. I would say the joint looks like a barrel-o-monkeys, except large rodent is coming up behind the lion to sniff his bum.

MORTY

Uh oh… the Happy Squirrel…

PIGMY

The lamb has this startled look on his face, like “ oh my, we don’t do that sort of thing here”, probably bracing for a showdown, because the lion just raised his head. Yikes. We don’t know whether the rodent will actually bite the lion’s bum or just sniff it, but all eyes seem to be focused on the felon squirrel -- see the turtle, the blue chicken, and the ape are all looking at the event about to unfold in front of their eyes. Will there be a truce? It sort of reminds me of the middle East. Everyone watching everyone to see who’s going to bite whom first. Hmmm. Here’s what stumps me though, Mortsky - What do you make of the giant heart roasting in the sky?

MORTY

You know I think that’s a metaphor for radiant love, and a comparison between love and the sun, or the sun God.

PIGMY

Too bad. I was thinking more in terms of barbecue. Something roasting in the garden.

MORTY

It’s the HEART card, Pigmy. It stands for love, it’s a symbol, bluck bluck bluuuu………………

PIGMY

Sizzling hearts. You know Morty, I get the feeling this affair was real real hot, maybe too hot to tango.

MORTY

Which affair?

PIGMY

Well one .. or the other, of the gals that got on an airplane and flew away to a foreign country. You didn’t by any chance notice the rubber boa in the apple tree. At least… I hope he’s only rubber, because he looks like he’s heading for the chicken.

MORTY

BLUCK BLUCK BLUCK okay what’s this got to do with anything

PIGMY

Well, I’m just saying all is not well in the land of Paradise. There’s this felon squirrel. We have an overly chaste little lamb who’s making moral pronouncements, a great ape mocking them all, a chicken turning blue from exposure, a snake slithering down the tree, and a heart getting fried or barbecued probably in chicken fat.

MORTY
(falls over beak-first in a theatrical swoon)

PIGMY

And of course there is the theme of the apple to take into consideration. You know what the apple represents in the modern view of things, Mortimer?

MORTY
(in a flat nasal voice)

What?

PIGMY

It’s female sexuality, Mort. See we ladies like it, we like it a lot, but we have this thing where we have to trick the guy into thinking they are the ones who like it the most. So we hold out the apple, like that, like “here boy, come and get the apple, you know you want it, you do, don’t you” … and the next thing happens is, guess what?

MORTY
(recovering)
Please don’t tell me….

PIGMY

That’s right, and then what? The girl says “how dare you, you filthy sonofawhatever” (am I being sexist?)

MORTY

I hope not.

PIGMY

Good, because I was thinking, you know even though it’s the 21st century, women still have a hard time owning that … um.. apple, and what do you bet that squirrel is going to light on out for the nearest tree as soon as the lion makes a sudden jerk of the head, or something.

MORTY

So that’s your hypothesis about why the girl left? One or the other… or both?

PIGMY

I don’t know, Mortsky, I’m just saying something was not right in paradise to begin with. Maybe the girl wanted him to take total responsibility for what was actually her own desire. She desired, and even used him, without realizing it, because she wasn’t willing to own the apple. Now see the MICE card underneath the HEART?

MORTY

Feasting on cheese… yuck.

PIGMY

It suggests the underpinnings of this Eden are a stolen romance. Getting into the larder when you’re not supposed to. – - and the mice have to eat fast, keep an ear out for the cat, they know they’re stealing, they feel guilty, so they can’t relax, in case they need to someone walks into them and they need to make like greased lightening. OH.. and count the mice – count em.

MORTY

Three.

PIGMY

Three mice, three jam jars, three barrels, three white flowers… there’s a big three thing happening here in this card - a triangle, in fact there are lots of triangles in the square of cards surrounding the heart, my friend.

MORTY

So you don’t think she found fingernails under his bead, or pornography on his hard drive? When did he have his teeth cleaned last?

PIGMY

Perhaps none of that’s important…something tells me the third party of the triangle was coming from her end.

MORTY

Ah, yes, the BOOK, the secret.

PIGMY

And remember I said the little lamb was bracing his front paws in the grass, looking at the squirrel with a sort of moral indignation? Well, now if we take a look at the BOOK card, who do we see sitting on top of the book?

MORTY

Aha… a ram. Interesting point.

PIGMY

The BOOK card shows a ram sitting on top of a book, and there are two candles. The picture forms another triangle, it makes me thing – perhaps it is the very person who is expressing moral indignation who is the keeper of a secret.

MORTY

But why do you think the lady herself was the one with the secret.

PIGMY

Well, easy, Mortsky, have a look at what card dominates the LADY card in this spread.

MORTY

Like duhhhhhhhh, it’s the SNAKE

PIGMY

Yes indeed, friend Morty, sir, it’s our friend from the Garden…preciously guarding a golden egg. (You don’t think she was preggers?)

MORTY

Whatever… they’re just cards, okay, aren’t you going a little off the …..… ……… ……… ..

PIGMY

But look, neither the child card nor the ring card fall on the lady’s lines – probably marriage and children were not on her path – But look at the fourth card in the square – next to MICE and under BOOK, the PATHS card you were talking about – the lady in this card is reading a book. She heads down a path, pursuing a beautiful blue bird, - he is leading her to a fork in the road, the direction of the roads lead where? But to the STORK who flies away. (Say, Morty, is this the famous blue chicken ! Someone else she met in paradise?)

MORTY

A blue bird is a symbol for the soul, a metaphor…

PIGMY

Ah.. well she had to follow her soul’s destiny, and her ******* I guess didn’t lay on the same **** as his, however their paths did briefly ********* and they may intersect again.

In our spread, the man’s *** woman’s paths intersect at seven points in the spread. They do intersect in one place in the spread that represents the lady’s future – on the Clover.

MORTY

I wouldn’t take it literally, ****. Perhaps it doesn’t mean that he will find this particular fly-away girlfriend again, but that he will find happiness, in the form of a dancing clover lady who knows how to jitterbug.

PIGMY

Jitterbug? Where’d you *** that from?

MORTY

Oh.. never mind.

(sings… sort of)

“Ladybug ladybug fly away home…Look at this row to the right of the man”

~ written mostly by firemaiden

[firemaiden]

Camera pans in and does flyover of:

Fish------Park-----Sun---------Ship-----Owls

MORTY

It’s like this wealth and fortune card again, followed by the Park and the Sun! Socializing, other people, fame, recognition, news travels…this guy is, or will be, muy populator.

PIGMY

Populator is not a word.

MORTY

So erase it. Yeah…there’s something shifty going on here

MAJOR TOM enters (actually he walks onto a greenscreen stage and talks to two tennis balls on sticks – after final edit, he’ll be in the vineyard – or we could do Morty and and Pygmy Pony on green screen and use Major Tom en situ @ Papa Toads in Framlingham. It’s rainy and foggy there anyway. There’s really only one day a year when you can see the Castle from the Vineyards due to the rain and fog).

MAJOR TOM

What are you doing? I can’t let horses into the vineyard! We produce items for human consumption!

PIGMY

I’m not a real horse, I’m…

MAJOR TOM

I know, just a bunch of twenty-two little red pencil erasers glued together around a larger eraser. You’re a metaphor. And as an equine – sidekick metaphor, you cannot be in the vineyard. Morty could stay being an avian metaphor.

MORTY

Speaking of metaphors, I’m hungry.

PIGMY

Me too.

They scoop the up the cards and exit. The camera pans and follows them off stage, as they hop down onto the floor. Morty scoots over and climbs up on to the Pygmy Pony and they ride off. The camera follows them at ankle level out of the studio, down around the corner, into the Lot Cafeteria.
Cut to Major Tom in front of the GreenScreen.
Hands pull the tennis balls on sticks off camera.

MAJOR TOM

But what about my scene? What about my soliloquy? Are we going to do my close-up now? The calla lilies are in bloom again…

Cut to CAFETERIA. The cards are laid out as before. Morty has a large plate of latex worms, Pygmy has a plate of pencil shavings.

MORTY

I dunno…something here makes me uncomfortable. The Tree & Coffin under the man. I’ll tell you what…if he does not have unhealthy lifestyle issues…he’s a mortician. And he creeps her out. Or maybe he’s a smoker, or maybe he leaves his dirty socks out.

PIGMY

Oh I got it I got it… I have a friend whose boyfriend worked for the eye bank…His job was to collect eyeballs from dead people…

MORTY

You mean from cadavers. It says cadavers in the script. Why’d you ………………

PIGMY

Wait a minute Morty! I got it, I got it! The Tree, the Snake… he has a pet snake! And it got of his cage… she freaked and ran away as far as she could.

MORTY

No no no, the snake isn’t near, the TREE is what I’m thinking about, the tree plus the coffin-- - trees when they’re nearbye are unhealthy -- roots can push up from the ground and break the house foundations and in the dark of the night; the branches can reach around the house, and open the window, and reach in and snatch the little girl from the warmth and safety of her bed.

PIGMY

Holy Poopski! Mort! you’re creeping me out seriously. Still, if he has a Tree, isn’t the snake sleeping in the tree?? Remember my spiel on the Garden?, Yes, I think he must have a pet boa constrictor. Plus, the way you describe the roots, you make em sound like boa constrictors. Plus get this, Morty, the SNAKE is one of the rare cards that lies on both their paths. It lies above the lady, and it’s on the Man’s diagonal.

MORTY

It’s a symbol Pigmy, It’s not a real snake. The LWB says It stands for “betrayal, falseness, lies and detours. “

PIGMY

And…?

MORTY

And?… you want me to read on? …and “it can also stand for a girlfriend, sister, ladyfriend, etc.”

PIGMY

Wait wait wait, a minute! I have it… maybe there is a jealous girlfriend who scares off the new girlfriends by telling them some creepy lie about him! See the LETTER card next to the lady? The LETTER is another card that intersects both their paths, Morty.. And see, the Lady has on her diagonals SCYTHE and CLOUDS with SNAKE in the middle. That’s a bunch of creeped out cards. The SCYTHE points to Danger coming from the SNAKE, and there’s that letter.. under the CLOUDS I don’t think it was good news.

SCYTHE-SNAKE-CLOUDS
HOUSE –LADY-LETTER

If he doesn’t have renegade tree roots from a grade B horror movie outside his window, or a boa constrictor, or cadaverous eye-balls under the bed, there’s somebody or something undermining him. If it’s not a jealous girl friend (or mother) it could be some kind of self-sabotage he’s not even aware of. Hmmmm. Does he sleepwalk?

MORTY

Or it was something on his hard-drive.

PIGMY

Say how are we going to tie all of this together, shall we tell him to clean house?

MORTY:

Well you know it looks like whatever path he’s on is a good one. FISH-PARK-SUN-SHIP…. – profit, thriving business… Everything is going along swimmingly… So he can just keep on doing what he’s doing.

Say, these latex worms are good, but I would have preferered gummi worms. Waiter, waiter, we’ll have one more order of pencil shavings to go, hold the ketchup, and bowl of gummi worms to split - Hold the sour cream.

………………………..
…
……………… (rest of script erased)

this part by Umbrae and Firemaiden

[Julien]

Julien, having listened to all of this while continuing to sip her whiskey, takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly...

Julien: "Yes, it was hot, or so he told me. So hot it was breath-taking. Odd you mention the Middle East. He is half Egyptian, and she is from that region of the world... A health condition on his side... one that is genetic and could be fatal, but is under control... that's your hygiene problem, I suspect... But it is genetic, and so children in the future may be a problem. And he has his own great dark secret from his own past, but he tends to discuss it pretty quickly with people he wants to be close to. Gets it out in the open, but still hates himself for his past mistakes. He's also famous in his own part of the intellectual world... His fame will only grow, and it will involve travel, etc."

She takes another sip of that whiskey, and almost muttering to herself, "Yes, I've seen the secret on her side, too, in the cards. And, a third in the relationship -- also on her side. However, whatever this is, my friend is either consciously unaware of it or has not shared it with me. He is, himself, incredibly perceptive, however, and very difficult to hide secrets from, so I have wondered if one reason he can't quite seem make this work is that he has his own gut-instinct telling him he doesn't know all. So... I think she is much as you describe. There does seem to be some moral indignation coming from her, and it is something that plays to his own guilt. I have reminded him of something H.G. Wells said, 'Moral indignation is simply jealousy with a halo.' He does not seem to hear it, though."

She leans back and sighs again. "Well then, I'll tell him to stay on his path. I think this has been his plan. In fact, if anything, her tantrums seem to be making him more resolute. I'll also tell him to clean his house... If there's more there than I am aware of, he needs to do what he can to, um, check his hard drive." She smiles and then starts to chuckle. That will be a fun thing to convey!

Thank you both -- very much!
Julien

[Julien]

Julien returns to the stage -- all is dark and you can hear the sound of her boots as the heels hit the hardwood of the stage. A spotlight is on her. She still holds the notes from the reading and tucks them into the pocket of her long coat. She adjusts here hat. She peers into the darkness:

"Major Tom? Major Tom? Are you there somewhere? Well, if you can hear me, your vineyard is quite lovely! I nearly forgot to say... I shall be in Europe during next summer's travels, and if I am able, I would very much like to stop in and give you some of my business, and perhaps talk a bit of Tarot with you. I love vineyards... I visit the local ones whenever possible... Anyway, I just wanted to say -- lovely place! At any rate, I hope you can hear this..."

Julien exits, stage right.

[firemaiden]

firemaiden reads Julien's feedback astounded and amazed, and wonders what on earth the loquacious rubber critters have wrought...