Detecting Untrustworthy People

G6

Milfoil said:
Very well put suk.

It really depends on what you mean by 'trustworthy' G6? A psychopath will be genuinely interested in you, for their own ends. Very charming, helpful, hard working, focused and all round not ringing alarm bells until either their plans no longer involve you, you are in their way or you need to serve their purpose. Only then do the gut instincts come into play. Guides may well not warn us about certain people because we have something to learn from them.

My advice is to learn how to read people, trust your gut instincts, avoid welcoming everyone into your life/head/space until they have proved themselves to be reasonable and genuine. That doesn't mean you become a hermit, only that psychologically, you keep a healthy distance mentally, spiritually and physically.

Be aware of what you are putting out which may be attractive to those who do not have your best interests at heart. Weakness, fear and cowardice attracts users, abusers and thieves. When you no longer 'need' others to complete your life, when you have looked into those scary places of fear and despair, coming out the other side, knowing yourself with courage and strength, then you become less attractive to those seeking to take or abuse.

When a rapist is seeking out a new victim, they tend to have a set of rules which help them to single out an easy target. Long hair (so they can grab and control), small stature, fits their personal visual preference (age, hair colour etc), walking alone, body language suggests a meek individual who won't fight back. So it is with those who have no genuine concern for our wellbeing - we may simply fit their criteria for whatever purpose they have in mind (think - snake oil seller!). So what we present to the world is just as important as what information we seek from others.

Challenging people always teach us something about our weaknesses if we are honest enough to look into that painful place. What did the last one do? How did you invite them in? This is where I would start and by doing so, grow strong in yourself.

Great stuff here! What I mean by trustworthy: reliable, dependable, honest, honorable, upright, principled, true, truthful, as good as one's word, ethical. Someone that is worthy of your trust. This thread is about detecting those that are not worthy of your trust.

You make some excellent points in your post about how these experiences with untrustworthy people show us our weaknesses aka ouchies (spots that need healing). Some of it may have to do with people pleasing, a need to get along/go along, fear of going alone, not being able to stand up for yourself, call people out, walk away. Fight back.

There's an idea that no one will ever say or do anything to you that you do not invite them to say or do. I agree that it's just as important to look at yourself and your 50% in everything. If someone treats you poorly they most likely did it because they thought you would allow it.

Betrayal can bring needed strength and wisdom. I agree if you need this type of healing/self-work you may not be able to detect these folks if it's a necessary lesson for your personal growth.

G6

decan said:
I think I have a foolproof method!!
Maybe this has been said I don't know: instinct + observation + time!
The perfect cocktail!

Sometimes instinct is there but not observation, or vice versa. And when there are instinct + observation patience can lack.
We aren't patient enough generally and we want to know too quickly. Very often I think that time has the last word because with time generally we are disappointed by people (my experience!)

Well put, Decan! What's the saying...in time all will be revealed. Also, if I only knew then what I know now.

G6

suk said:
I don't think there is any foolproof method, unless you have had a lot of direct experience with unpleasant people.

Personally, I've had some very unfortunate experiences like this, in close succession to each other, to the point that I thought everyone I made friends with would turn out to be deceptive in some way. A lot of good things came out of them, of course, and the fact that I can tell what someone is like within minutes of meeting them is a valuable side effect.

Paying attention to your instincts is well and good, but sometimes your instincts lie to you. This happens because of your shadow side, and deep unconscious desires that you have. They can be anything, but most often they are a desire to be seen a certain way. You tend to be attracted to people who represent something you think you lack in yourself. That's why sociopaths can charm people so effectively, because most people just simply want to be charmed.

I honestly believe that unless you're willing to get your hands dirty, you'll never find out enough about how dark humans can get; and you'll always be at least slightly vulnerable to being deceived.

Another thing I should add is that often people don't mean to deceive you. They aren't even bad people, just human. You can find yourself trying to be a friend to them, and helping them, or think you are, and they can respond in ways that you didn't expect. In a case like that, you can't really blame the other person. You also can't have expectations tied into helping a friend. In fact, if you have that kind of train of thought, you have no business trying to help anyone, and it's better for you to sort your own stuff out first!

Direct experience with untrustworthy/deceptive people does help you "see" them and/or you've healed yourself of the weaknesses that attract them.

I think what you're talking about here are unmet expectations, which is different from deception. Perhaps some folks confuse them?

Milfoil

G6 said:
Great stuff here! What I mean by trustworthy: reliable, dependable, honest, honorable, upright, principled, true, truthful, as good as one's word, ethical. Someone that is worthy of your trust. This thread is about detecting those that are not worthy of your trust.

You make some excellent points in your post about how these experiences with untrustworthy people show us our weaknesses aka ouchies (spots that need healing). Some of it may have to do with people pleasing, a need to get along/go along, fear of going alone, not being able to stand up for yourself, call people out, walk away. Fight back.

There's an idea that no one will ever say or do anything to you that you do not invite them to say or do. I agree that it's just as important to look at yourself and your 50% in everything. If someone treats you poorly they most likely did it because they thought you would allow it.

Betrayal can bring needed strength and wisdom. I agree if you need this type of healing/self-work you may not be able to detect these folks if it's a necessary lesson for your personal growth.

You got it!

suk

G6 said:
Direct experience with untrustworthy/deceptive people does help you "see" them and/or you've healed yourself of the weaknesses that attract them.

I think what you're talking about here are unmet expectations, which is different from deception. Perhaps some folks confuse them?

What I mean by expectations is an ethic that you think is important, but they don't. It could be truthfulness, loyalty, kindness... Stuff that's obvious and natural to you, but isn't to them because they don't have the same values. Thinking that they would or should is an expectation.

I totally agree with the idea that you tend to attract certain types because of some insecurity in yourself. It was very true in my case, it was like I was just giving out those kind of shark bait vibes.

But you have to be careful with blaming yourself for it too, because that road is no fun to go down either.

Maybe the real answer to the question is, you can't avoid certain types of people, nor should you try. Why would you? Aren't you here for the full human experience? I know I wouldn't give up my worst experiences for anything, because they helped me much more than a sheltered, uneventful life would have.

Rumi said, 'the wound is the place where the Light enters you...'

G6

suk said:
What I mean by expectations is an ethic that you think is important, but they don't. It could be truthfulness, loyalty, kindness... Stuff that's obvious and natural to you, but isn't to them because they don't have the same values. Thinking that they would or should is an expectation.

I totally agree with the idea that you tend to attract certain types because of some insecurity in yourself. It was very true in my case, it was like I was just giving out those kind of shark bait vibes.

But you have to be careful with blaming yourself for it too, because that road is no fun to go down either.

Maybe the real answer to the question is, you can't avoid certain types of people, nor should you try. Why would you? Aren't you here for the full human experience? I know I wouldn't give up my worst experiences for anything, because they helped me much more than a sheltered, uneventful life would have.

Rumi said, 'the wound is the place where the Light enters you...'

Unmet expectations might again indicate a weakness. Naivete is a big one. Especially thinking everyone is like you or will act in the same way you do. I just heard someone the other night spouting off certain attitudes thinking everyone in the room felt the same way. That type of naïveté gets people in trouble or hurt.

This could also fall into the idea that you need to get to know people slowly over time to discover potential deal breakers, so that these differences in values are observations and not bad experiences that are harmful to you in some way.

I can safely say there are plenty of people I don't want in my life and plenty of situations I'd rather not experience. The more I learn the more discriminating I become in my choice of who I give my time and energy.

G6

suk said:
Rumi said, 'the wound is the place where the Light enters you...'

Great quote, I've had the Rumi tarot deck on my wish list for awhile. Some day...

suk

G6 said:
I can safely say there are plenty of people I don't want in my life and plenty of situations I'd rather not experience. The more I learn the more discriminating I become in my choice of who I give my time and energy.

Of course. But what I'm saying is maybe you can't really have full control over knowing who is worthy of your time and energy. I'm not saying don't be discriminating, quite the contrary. I just think that no matter how careful you are or how much you think you understand, a lot of events are out of our control.

And everyone is naive in some way or the other. If they weren't, there would be nothing to learn.

G6

suk said:
Of course. But what I'm saying is maybe you can't really have full control over knowing who is worthy of your time and energy. I'm not saying don't be discriminating, quite the contrary. I just think that no matter how careful you are or how much you think you understand, a lot of events are out of our control.

And everyone is naive in some way or the other. If they weren't, there would be nothing to learn.

True. I guess the point of the thread is to learn more by what other people have learned. There's been lots of good stuff in here and I hope it continues.

I get what you're saying. Some people at the beginning of this thread said the only way to be certain is to be alone. It's a balance. I'm more on the side of caution than carefree at this point. Maybe I will miss some gems, but hopefully I'll avoid the jerks.

You are right everyone will have blind spots one way or another throughout life.