Dominoo
I'm trying to make sense of a long term relationship that ended horrifically with abuse, neglect, and just outright violence. Our relationship went from something magical, filled with hopes, dreams, and true happiness to a bitterness that has left me empty, regardless that I am in a better place since leaving.
I want to give a detailed background of our relationship. I apologize in advance as this post is long. I greatly appreciate those who decide to read through this and give their input.
A connection between C (I will be referring to her as "C" to mask her identity) and I started before I even knew of her existence. One night, when I was 14 or 15, I dreamt of a girl that was in my room. She was in a fetal position, in tears, sitting on the floor in front of the French doors that lead to the deck from my room (at the time). Outside was gloomy; you sense a plague, thunderstorms, bitterness, depression, and loneliness. It was dark. We were both naked. And when I finally decided to reach out to this girl, I immediately woke up with a sense that whoever this woman was, she was my “girlfriend”.
I told my friends but they just laughed it off.
A few years later I begin to enter a very dark period. The abuse from my parents deteriorated my mental state and my OCD progressed from being a simple mysophobia to being outright full-blown. I turned my life around, upgraded in high-school, pursued a different woman, and decided to take my self development further and get a grip on my OCD. I was prescribed SSRIs and an antipsychotic to help with the side effects from the SSRIs. This would lead to serotonin intoxication and EPS (extrapyramidal symptoms), withdrawing from my first year engineering, and a severe deterioration of every relationship I had.
During this period, I met C. I met her online with a common interest in astrology. The connection between us was instant and we returned e-mails regularly. To me, she was the most attractive woman I had ever seen. Our lives were also very similar. As I got to know her, every major event in our lives were in sync. Our interests overlapped; our escapes from our own turmoil were similar; and although we were similar in person, we also greatly differed. We were like ying-yang, but “one”. It was very strange to meet someone like this. As my life deteriorated, she was there, and she remained my friend when everyone pushed me away (although it appeared I pushed them away).
When we saw each other, we would spend time just staring at each other. The attraction was there, but I never knew she “shared” the same feelings I did. Unfortunately, she was on the other side of the world and nothing would work; so when I asked her if we could take this relationship further she declined, claiming it would not work. The rejection was also taken differently. Other women that rejected me felt “different”. With C, well, I don’t know how to describe it but it was different. We remained very good friends regardless.
Time goes on and, again, we see similarities in events. Problems with friends occurred around the same time, relationship problems occurred, moves, life changes, everything was within a week of each other. (Half of our natal charts are the same). Years go on and we reconnect over Skype. I shaved my head, toned up, escaped the abuse from my parents, and was progressing amazingly with my OCD. Although she was engaged, we sparked. We shared deep secrets. We confided in each other. We flirted and longed to see each other. Eventually it would be daily for hours.
Eventually my morals kicked in and I told her this “thing” between us couldn’t continue. I was closer to her than her own fiancé and it was not right what was going on behind his back. Although he was sexually manipulative, she felt like she “owed him” regardless that she had been distant from him for a year. Nonetheless, within a couple days, C messaged me and told me she left him. She told me she didn’t want to lose me.
A couple weeks later we became a couple but she was ashamed. She kept us hidden outside of her family. Her family would approach me and tell me how I “brought their daughter back.” And how “they’ve never seen her happier before.” C and I would sense each other, despite the distance. She would randomly call me up and inform me that she felt I was having anxieties. She would have dreams regarding my OCD and how and what it detailed. C knew nothing of this, but she “felt” it and informed me of the things that troubled me with great accuracy. As we shared our background I eventually notice that woman in my dream was actually her. The physical features, and C’s state of mind at the time was a direct reflection of this girl in the dream.
None of this made sense to me outside of the pseudosciences. I had background in neurology, linking NMDA glutamate to a possible neurochemical involved in my own disorder; I’ve taken academic level psychology courses; philosophy; and later sociology and organizational behavior. I knew my stuff, and I knew of studies of the paranormal, but this connection we shared was not something tangible. (I don't think of myself as anything special, but I'm not stupid). Nonetheless, I believed it. I felt natural with her. I felt whole. I felt a love I never did know before. I learned of great things about myself and so forth. We grew each other’s character, confidence, and fought each other’s demons.
I eventually came down to visit her for the first time in person. Those 3 weeks were the best time of my life. C also claimed the same. The connection was unreal; so much greater than it was before. I couldn’t believe how this was progressing. We looked the same. We had the same tastes. We looked amazing together. Although we barely had a lot of physical time together, we already had that “old-couple’s syndrome”. I would have dreams before her period, detailing me that "it" was about to come. I would begin to experience the same paranormal sensations she did. It was insane the connection we had. It was surreal to me.
We planned a future together and worked towards getting her in school. Half the time I spent helping her learn and write English. She got her TOFEL on the second try (the first time around it was only 1 point off from the standards requested by the university in my city). Although she was accepted, everything seemed to be against us. Her visa was eventually rejected more than 5 times. And later, she would give up and take an easy road. She stopped trying. But this was not when things went bad. Things started to go south very quickly when I returned back to Canada after those 3 weeks.
At this point, we knew each other for at least 5 years.
C had rather severe jealousy and abandonment issues. It started to show with her watching me on the CCTV city cameras, gaining access to all of my social media accounts and e-mail, which all of this was merely a claim that she “wanted to feel closer to me”. She would question every friend that was female. She began to develop very deep relationships with my friends. C would begin to convince me these women around me wanted to destroy our relationship and how they all wanted me. Somehow, if someone told me that they liked my hair, or found me attractive, this was a sign that I was cheating on C. My OCD progressed worse and worse. I gained weight. I couldn’t keep up with my school work. I couldn’t keep up with her. I eventually started to get angry with everyone. I started to be codependent.
Although our connection was still strong, this emotional control went on for years. I would sometimes travel to her as she couldn’t travel to me. I would max my credit card and taken out student loans just to try and make things work. She would blame me for not speeding up the process by marrying her, regardless of how not only did I pursue marriage, I would try and express my concerns regarding it to her. Our communication went from platonic to nothing but walls and miscommunications. I had no idea who this woman was anymore. Eventually, over a misunderstanding regarding whether she loved me or not, it ended in her raping me. A month later, she would beat me while I had a panic attack. This relationship was ending bad. I lost all respect for her.
When I left and returned home to continue my studies, she left me financially stranded, where I would be homeless, jumping from hotel to hotel as my only friend in the city was married to some narcissistic psycho that I could no longer stand after the few days I stayed with them. I was constantly questioned by her family if I still loved her. I was belittled, gas-lighted, the works. Something that was so beautiful was now toxic and abusive. Arguments were regular. And eventually, when I broke up with her out of anger, I was told how abusive, horrible, and narcissistic I was. For the past 7 months I had people follow me online to state how horrible I was. After the break up, C went after my friends, taking personal journals of myself venting my frustrations and convincing them of how I was abusive towards her. She gained access to my accounts and spread these journals to mutual friends. I lost a lot of people close to me. I ended up going back to my parents just to receive a great deal of abuse. It got worse and worse. I would message C constantly out of desperation to take me back. Nothing worked and she just further used this to state how cruel, inhumane, and horrible of a person I am.
None of this made any sense. I helped her through so many issues with her life that her family didn’t know. She is now in school, for the first time after fighting with her for 3 years to build up her confidence and skill set to be able to. (When we were together, she would find every excuse not to go to school as she wasn't able to). I helped her turn her life around. When her own family didn’t want to help her, I did. I wasn’t this “monster” as many people portrayed me as. And the 7 months of stalking, my God.
I changed everything. I changed my accounts, my e-mail, my phone number. I ran to my friends for help and they took me in. I have no more connection with my family. I passed. I’m in such a better place, but I made this topic because I still feel her.
I…still…feel her. I think of her daily. I get sensations of her, or her presence. One day I actually saw a cloud formation that looked like her. I got a great deal of emotions when she left her job and got accepted at school; I got a great deal of emotions when she left her family and traveled to the country to start her studies. Non of this I knew was correlated with her until I find out weeks later after asking a mutual friend after I had no contact with C for months.
And although I’m in therapy and this is all just “the sense of loss; and grief”, I can’t help but think this is that of a twin flame connection. I have no idea what to do; and I have no idea on how to stop these random emotional states that would come about when she is about to go to sleep, or she finishes classes, or whatever. I don’t know why at certain periods of the time I get a sudden burst of emotion and begin having deep thoughts of C.
Can anyone make sense of this? A tarot card reading I had many years ago told me about C. She told me how the relationship wouldn’t last long. A more recent tarot reader pinpointed many things and also claimed I was suppose to hear from her in July/August. What I did hear was of her turning her life around but it wasn’t from her (and this happened in late August). This reader also said that in about 2 years we'll be together (this would correlate with her studies). Horary charts claim the relationship played its course; how we want to reconnect but can’t; or there is no sign of a romantic reconnection. Everything I'm told, from this to the real world conflicts. I'm conflicted and don't know what to do.
Thoughts on this? Thoughts on how to end this connection? Thoughts on how to deal with this connection? I’m lost.
I want to give a detailed background of our relationship. I apologize in advance as this post is long. I greatly appreciate those who decide to read through this and give their input.
A connection between C (I will be referring to her as "C" to mask her identity) and I started before I even knew of her existence. One night, when I was 14 or 15, I dreamt of a girl that was in my room. She was in a fetal position, in tears, sitting on the floor in front of the French doors that lead to the deck from my room (at the time). Outside was gloomy; you sense a plague, thunderstorms, bitterness, depression, and loneliness. It was dark. We were both naked. And when I finally decided to reach out to this girl, I immediately woke up with a sense that whoever this woman was, she was my “girlfriend”.
I told my friends but they just laughed it off.
A few years later I begin to enter a very dark period. The abuse from my parents deteriorated my mental state and my OCD progressed from being a simple mysophobia to being outright full-blown. I turned my life around, upgraded in high-school, pursued a different woman, and decided to take my self development further and get a grip on my OCD. I was prescribed SSRIs and an antipsychotic to help with the side effects from the SSRIs. This would lead to serotonin intoxication and EPS (extrapyramidal symptoms), withdrawing from my first year engineering, and a severe deterioration of every relationship I had.
During this period, I met C. I met her online with a common interest in astrology. The connection between us was instant and we returned e-mails regularly. To me, she was the most attractive woman I had ever seen. Our lives were also very similar. As I got to know her, every major event in our lives were in sync. Our interests overlapped; our escapes from our own turmoil were similar; and although we were similar in person, we also greatly differed. We were like ying-yang, but “one”. It was very strange to meet someone like this. As my life deteriorated, she was there, and she remained my friend when everyone pushed me away (although it appeared I pushed them away).
When we saw each other, we would spend time just staring at each other. The attraction was there, but I never knew she “shared” the same feelings I did. Unfortunately, she was on the other side of the world and nothing would work; so when I asked her if we could take this relationship further she declined, claiming it would not work. The rejection was also taken differently. Other women that rejected me felt “different”. With C, well, I don’t know how to describe it but it was different. We remained very good friends regardless.
Time goes on and, again, we see similarities in events. Problems with friends occurred around the same time, relationship problems occurred, moves, life changes, everything was within a week of each other. (Half of our natal charts are the same). Years go on and we reconnect over Skype. I shaved my head, toned up, escaped the abuse from my parents, and was progressing amazingly with my OCD. Although she was engaged, we sparked. We shared deep secrets. We confided in each other. We flirted and longed to see each other. Eventually it would be daily for hours.
Eventually my morals kicked in and I told her this “thing” between us couldn’t continue. I was closer to her than her own fiancé and it was not right what was going on behind his back. Although he was sexually manipulative, she felt like she “owed him” regardless that she had been distant from him for a year. Nonetheless, within a couple days, C messaged me and told me she left him. She told me she didn’t want to lose me.
A couple weeks later we became a couple but she was ashamed. She kept us hidden outside of her family. Her family would approach me and tell me how I “brought their daughter back.” And how “they’ve never seen her happier before.” C and I would sense each other, despite the distance. She would randomly call me up and inform me that she felt I was having anxieties. She would have dreams regarding my OCD and how and what it detailed. C knew nothing of this, but she “felt” it and informed me of the things that troubled me with great accuracy. As we shared our background I eventually notice that woman in my dream was actually her. The physical features, and C’s state of mind at the time was a direct reflection of this girl in the dream.
None of this made sense to me outside of the pseudosciences. I had background in neurology, linking NMDA glutamate to a possible neurochemical involved in my own disorder; I’ve taken academic level psychology courses; philosophy; and later sociology and organizational behavior. I knew my stuff, and I knew of studies of the paranormal, but this connection we shared was not something tangible. (I don't think of myself as anything special, but I'm not stupid). Nonetheless, I believed it. I felt natural with her. I felt whole. I felt a love I never did know before. I learned of great things about myself and so forth. We grew each other’s character, confidence, and fought each other’s demons.
I eventually came down to visit her for the first time in person. Those 3 weeks were the best time of my life. C also claimed the same. The connection was unreal; so much greater than it was before. I couldn’t believe how this was progressing. We looked the same. We had the same tastes. We looked amazing together. Although we barely had a lot of physical time together, we already had that “old-couple’s syndrome”. I would have dreams before her period, detailing me that "it" was about to come. I would begin to experience the same paranormal sensations she did. It was insane the connection we had. It was surreal to me.
We planned a future together and worked towards getting her in school. Half the time I spent helping her learn and write English. She got her TOFEL on the second try (the first time around it was only 1 point off from the standards requested by the university in my city). Although she was accepted, everything seemed to be against us. Her visa was eventually rejected more than 5 times. And later, she would give up and take an easy road. She stopped trying. But this was not when things went bad. Things started to go south very quickly when I returned back to Canada after those 3 weeks.
At this point, we knew each other for at least 5 years.
C had rather severe jealousy and abandonment issues. It started to show with her watching me on the CCTV city cameras, gaining access to all of my social media accounts and e-mail, which all of this was merely a claim that she “wanted to feel closer to me”. She would question every friend that was female. She began to develop very deep relationships with my friends. C would begin to convince me these women around me wanted to destroy our relationship and how they all wanted me. Somehow, if someone told me that they liked my hair, or found me attractive, this was a sign that I was cheating on C. My OCD progressed worse and worse. I gained weight. I couldn’t keep up with my school work. I couldn’t keep up with her. I eventually started to get angry with everyone. I started to be codependent.
Although our connection was still strong, this emotional control went on for years. I would sometimes travel to her as she couldn’t travel to me. I would max my credit card and taken out student loans just to try and make things work. She would blame me for not speeding up the process by marrying her, regardless of how not only did I pursue marriage, I would try and express my concerns regarding it to her. Our communication went from platonic to nothing but walls and miscommunications. I had no idea who this woman was anymore. Eventually, over a misunderstanding regarding whether she loved me or not, it ended in her raping me. A month later, she would beat me while I had a panic attack. This relationship was ending bad. I lost all respect for her.
When I left and returned home to continue my studies, she left me financially stranded, where I would be homeless, jumping from hotel to hotel as my only friend in the city was married to some narcissistic psycho that I could no longer stand after the few days I stayed with them. I was constantly questioned by her family if I still loved her. I was belittled, gas-lighted, the works. Something that was so beautiful was now toxic and abusive. Arguments were regular. And eventually, when I broke up with her out of anger, I was told how abusive, horrible, and narcissistic I was. For the past 7 months I had people follow me online to state how horrible I was. After the break up, C went after my friends, taking personal journals of myself venting my frustrations and convincing them of how I was abusive towards her. She gained access to my accounts and spread these journals to mutual friends. I lost a lot of people close to me. I ended up going back to my parents just to receive a great deal of abuse. It got worse and worse. I would message C constantly out of desperation to take me back. Nothing worked and she just further used this to state how cruel, inhumane, and horrible of a person I am.
None of this made any sense. I helped her through so many issues with her life that her family didn’t know. She is now in school, for the first time after fighting with her for 3 years to build up her confidence and skill set to be able to. (When we were together, she would find every excuse not to go to school as she wasn't able to). I helped her turn her life around. When her own family didn’t want to help her, I did. I wasn’t this “monster” as many people portrayed me as. And the 7 months of stalking, my God.
I changed everything. I changed my accounts, my e-mail, my phone number. I ran to my friends for help and they took me in. I have no more connection with my family. I passed. I’m in such a better place, but I made this topic because I still feel her.
I…still…feel her. I think of her daily. I get sensations of her, or her presence. One day I actually saw a cloud formation that looked like her. I got a great deal of emotions when she left her job and got accepted at school; I got a great deal of emotions when she left her family and traveled to the country to start her studies. Non of this I knew was correlated with her until I find out weeks later after asking a mutual friend after I had no contact with C for months.
And although I’m in therapy and this is all just “the sense of loss; and grief”, I can’t help but think this is that of a twin flame connection. I have no idea what to do; and I have no idea on how to stop these random emotional states that would come about when she is about to go to sleep, or she finishes classes, or whatever. I don’t know why at certain periods of the time I get a sudden burst of emotion and begin having deep thoughts of C.
Can anyone make sense of this? A tarot card reading I had many years ago told me about C. She told me how the relationship wouldn’t last long. A more recent tarot reader pinpointed many things and also claimed I was suppose to hear from her in July/August. What I did hear was of her turning her life around but it wasn’t from her (and this happened in late August). This reader also said that in about 2 years we'll be together (this would correlate with her studies). Horary charts claim the relationship played its course; how we want to reconnect but can’t; or there is no sign of a romantic reconnection. Everything I'm told, from this to the real world conflicts. I'm conflicted and don't know what to do.
Thoughts on this? Thoughts on how to end this connection? Thoughts on how to deal with this connection? I’m lost.
