Laying with the Wild Woman
Elsewhere in the Spirituality forum I posted a thread asking
How to Nurture the Deep Feminine, and in the concluding post, "Nourishing the Wild Woman", found that the Clarissa Pinkola Estés book
Women Who Run With the Wolves was perfectly suited to the task. Well this morning, I found, at some length, that when the Wild Woman is fed the right sort of food she can work wonders indeed!
In a dream this morning I was running a school of some sort. I was teaching some young people in one area and a Chinese woman was teaching some others in another. My wife Lynn had some concerns about the woman's teaching style - she didn't trust her. So I called the woman twice to come and see me. But each time she came I had been called away somewhere and she didn't find me. The dream closed with an image of her resuming her teaching, with a group of fascinated young people gathered around as she told her story. In earlier scenes her face had seemed idealized and dreamlike. But in this last scene her face was softened and she looked extremely human - and somehow familiar.
Then when I woke I saw her perfectly clearly. She was exactly the image, in every detail, of my first love as she was when we were both in our late teens, about thirty years ago. I don't think I have ever recalled any person or thing more accurately as I did in these moments. The vision was so real that it was unnerving to be in her presence. This relationship ended without closure, and as I finally realized within the last year or so, we had both loved each other deeply - and the separation probably affected her as much as it did me. She had stopped seeing me only under severe threat and possibly abuse from her father.
Extreme longing, while being very painful, also has the potential of being greatly transforming, and I have this episode to thank for being a powerful vehicle towards spiritual growth. There were many times during this period that I would see her image dancing before my eyes when I least expected it. Finally I was able to cut off this part of me so that I could carry on with life. Whether I wanted to or not, I have never been able to recall her image since, except perhaps in the vaguest of forms.
Then I passed the next hour and a half, in and out of wakefulness, trance and dreams, mingled together so that I knew not which was which. But in all states I remained with her, and knew that this first love had been completely internalized as Eirian the Creative or Romantic Beloved. As if the seven veils of Salomé were at last removed, I saw Eirian in all her glory and wonder, and too in her nakedness - and I survived. The ego self went to great pains to try to forget or trivialize the whole episode - a sure sign in itself of a greatly significant episode - but I am living too instinctually now to be easily deceived by his fears. Nonetheless I was surprised at the strength of the ego's reaction, I haven't seen such an outburst for quite some time.
I realize now that this first love is the
wildest woman I have ever known, the one most connected to the deep feminine. This is not a woman you could know in marriage, but only as a lover - for her psyche is unbalanced into what Estés calls the
wildish nature, making her closely and even dangerously archetypal. Archetypal possession is typically extremely self-destructive. A whole man or woman is one who successfully balances the archetypes.
No wonder then, that Eirian should choose this memory for me to experience a deeper level of purity within this archetype - and yes, there are always risks in questing towards the Great Work. Only in balance with the opposing principle of femininity embodied in Sophie could there be a marriage with Eirian. Nonetheless there is much to be learned through laying with the Wild Woman - in experiencing the essence of the deep feminine.
She asked me to surrender to her, to die in her arms. This the ego self could not do, there was an impenetrable wall. But before this time was over, I learned of her by another name, Death, which happens to be my card of the week. And she left me her number too, 72, so that I might easily contact her.
In the Two I see another reflection of the High Priestess, traditionally connected to Sophie - but this is in a deeper duality yet.
In the Seven I see the Chariot bringing a great release of the libido, for in returning that image of my first love to consciousness, a part of me which had died has returned to life. Not only is its psychic energy made readily available, but the energy used in suppressing this memory is released also.
In the 7 and 2 together, the number Nine brings the promise of healing transformation through further inner work and contemplation. Nine also evokes the "Nine Hours to Rama" and the end of the reincarnational cycle in the Ninth Form - all further images of the withdrawal of the old soul into transformational Death.
So today I furthered the relationship by driving to the University of British Columbia that was the centre of my early longings, and in particular walked through the classical Japanese Nitobe gardens, a place sacred to the memory of my first love. Then I drove up Seymour Mountain to 1000 metres of altitude and the snow line, and then coming down somewhat, hiked on the steep mountain trails for two or three hours until I again reached the snow line. Here again in the west coast rainforest there was the sacred enclosed garden of the Lovers, but it was a
wildish garden among the roots and rocks and streams of old growth forest. And so I dwelled in centering meditation on the wooden bridges over cascading streams, remembering the Japanese theory that the waterfall represents the masculine, and the quiet pools the feminine. And like Chief Dan George, I heard "the owl call my name".