happiness

[BrightEye]

Here's a question for my fellow ATers: would you put the happiness of those around you (loved ones, family etc.) before your own? I know many people say that you should look after your own happiness first, and it seems the most natural thing for most people I've talked to, but to me that seems terribly selfish, especially when your own happiness conflicts with that of others.

The reason I put this under Spirituality rather than Chat is that I think my attitude has something to do with my upbringing. When I was a young girl, I was very Catholic. I'm not anymore, but I think this attitude (putting others before yourself) is a hangover from those years, and I find it hard to think differently about the matter. It's been on my mind for a number of reasons, partly because someone close to me is now suffering the consequences of putting others before herself.

Any thoughts on this?

 

[BodhiSeed]

For me personally (with the help of nearly 50 years of living and a 12 Step group), I've come to believe that happiness is a state of being, not something that I can "have." It involves a choice - regardless of what is going on around me, whether my expectations are met, or if I have what I want. Only I can make the choice to be happy, and therefore, only others can make that same choice as well. I can do things that please other people, but this won't necessarily make them happy. That feeling of joy and contentment is an inside job. This doesn't mean that I don't care about others; on the contrary, I do try to be kind and compassionate. The difference is I don't try to make them happy, because that is beyond my control. Hope this makes sense!
It sounds like your friend might be confusing her self-worth with her sacrifice for others. The problem with this thinking is that you will NEVER be able to find lasting happiness this way. That "feel good" feeling is fleeting; the only way to find the true happiness (imo) is to find it from within. When our cups are full, we naturally spill our blessings over to others. It is not my job to make others happy; it is just my responsibility to be compassionate. Unfortunately, tough love may be compassionate some times...

 

[re-pete-a]

It's a bit tricky as BODHRAN has suggested. It's a fine line.
Some points to notice are,
Is it done knowingly, or habitually.
Is there a feeling of guilt attached.
Is it done to gain favor.

Personally , if the feelings of guilt or fear are associated I take time out to evaluate. If unsure , do nothing which will allow space for 'whatever' to show up.

A lot of parents fall into the trap of emotional extortion.

 

[214red]

I beleive to help being be happy you need to live as you say, and be happy. A happy person is the best advert for the way they live.

I think other peoples happiness is important, but not as much as your happiness, it might sound selfish and i dont think it puts you in conflict with others.
Putting others before you i dont think is always a good thing, i think it is often detrimental to your health, and sometimes this can make you a doormat.

Parents often do this, but in reality it rarely makes them happy, and a kid knows when the parent is unhappy and tries to compensate and make them happy, this is not a good cycle.

You shouldnt think your responsible for anyones happiness apart from your own, its their job to be happy.Why take on someone elses burden, start with yourself, bit like charity, start at home

 

[ncharge]

Here's a question for my fellow ATers: would you put the happiness of those around you (loved ones, family etc.) before your own? I know many people say that you should look after your own happiness first, and it seems the most natural thing for most people I've talked to, but to me that seems terribly selfish, especially when your own happiness conflicts with that of others.

The reason I put this under Spirituality rather than Chat is that I think my attitude has something to do with my upbringing. When I was a young girl, I was very Catholic. I'm not anymore, but I think this attitude (putting others before yourself) is a hangover from those years, and I find it hard to think differently about the matter. It's been on my mind for a number of reasons, partly because someone close to me is now suffering the consequences of putting others before herself.

Any thoughts on this?

I have done this for years - making decisions that serve other people's needs rather than my own. And now I, too, am suffering for it. I've learned that there is a big difference between doing something to make someone you love happy and actually sacrificing your own needs/goals/happiness for somebody else. The first thing is OK. The second is not.

 

[Milfoil]

I guess it depends on the cirumstances really but I have to confess to finding a great deal of personal happiness in putting others first or, at least, serving others. I didn't used to feel this way but I guess I have learned that, for me, doing something for someone else (volunteering for charities, helping a homeless person by buying them a hot meal or befrending an elderly neighbour for example) makes me happy, so perhaps I do it for the wrong reasons.

My happiness seems to be integral to other people and I confess to helping others because it makes me happy but not primarily so. The first concern is that there is a need which I can help fill, second is that I feel it is every person's right to be part of a community which can give back as well as receive and thirdly, because it feels great to be of use.

Should we always put others before ourselves, no matter what? I doubt it, but then we have to make decisions based on the circumstance. We won't always get it right but we will have lived trying.

 

[Briar Rose]

Here's a question for my fellow ATers: would you put the happiness of those around you (loved ones, family etc.) before your own? I know many people say that you should look after your own happiness first, and it seems the most natural thing for most people I've talked to, but to me that seems terribly selfish, especially when your own happiness conflicts with that of others.

The reason I put this under Spirituality rather than Chat is that I think my attitude has something to do with my upbringing. When I was a young girl, I was very Catholic. I'm not anymore, but I think this attitude (putting others before yourself) is a hangover from those years, and I find it hard to think differently about the matter. It's been on my mind for a number of reasons, partly because someone close to me is now suffering the consequences of putting others before herself.

Any thoughts on this?

I feel that the reason why, 'putting your own happiness' before anyone else's seems selfish to you is because, Catholics are taught that being a martyr is the best thing for mankind. My parents tried to 'bring me up' Catholic.

However, if in a situation, to keep the peace (say, at work or school) , I would much rather keep all my beliefs, like tarot and passlife regression and astrology to myself. I don't contemplate this too much because then I would end up playing 'shrink' and I rather keep on my spiritual path. And THAT make me happy.

Sometimes doing for other people before yourself can feel like a burden if you take too much on. Balance is the key, and not giving too much thought to it.

I want to donate some time this winter to charity work. Perhaps giving some art lessons for free at the local community center. That means putting other people before my needs of making money. That would be ok, and make me happy.

 

[Amanda]

Here's a question for my fellow ATers: would you put the happiness of those around you (loved ones, family etc.) before your own? I know many people say that you should look after your own happiness first, and it seems the most natural thing for most people I've talked to, but to me that seems terribly selfish, especially when your own happiness conflicts with that of others.

In regards to loved ones, family, etc. I don't see the harm in it, because you're essentially going to get it back. If they're happy, you're happy- if you're happy, they're happy. Of course it would depend on circumstances I think, give-and-take, intentions, etc. but everything in moderation as well. If you give too much up of yourself, you'll start to lose yourself... and when you start to lose yourself, your loved ones will also suffer. So, sometimes, it's my opinion that you are supporting their happiness by first supporting your own.

 

[linnie]

If you give too much up of yourself, you'll start to lose yourself... and when you start to lose yourself, your loved ones will also suffer. So, sometimes, it's my opinion that you are supporting their happiness by first supporting your own.

I grew up like most of you... being taught that to make others happy is all-important... It took a fairly serious health scare to remind me that I needed to walk my talk, though... and now, as much as making others happy gives me pleasure, I've come to believe that nothing is more important than being true to Self, really.

Amanda_04's words say it very well, I think... "When you start to lose yourself, your loved ones will also suffer"... So, if pleasing other people fits in with walking your talk, and in most instances it can, for me at least, then all is good... If someone else's perceived happiness demands that you forsake yourSelf, though, well... sometimes you need to honour Self above others... If that person were truly loving, and understood how important your truth-to-Self is, I don't think they would place any unreasonable demands upon you in the first place... INHO

 

[Carla]

You should look after your own happiness first. You should be the love of your life. This does not go against anything Jesus taught, either. He said to love others as you love yourself. This certainly implies that you are by nature meant to be your own great love. The most intimate, important and meaningful relationship you will have in this life is with yourself. And from that will flow all the love that everyone around you can take, and more. Notice that looking after your own happiness does not mean putting yourself first in the mundane sense of the word--like serving yourself the biggest piece of cake, or buying yourself new shoes while your kids make do with hand-me-downs or any silly stuff like that. It means having a loving relationship with yourself, first, before all others.