part 1 Visions during a reading... Confusion, Cant sleep, eat, Having bad thoughts


I want to post this because of what I have gone through. I'm not sure if I'm going crazy or I'm right. I dont know much about this stuff, and myself. I've had a belief that there's something different about me than most people. maybe pagan or psychic...... I have to be truthfull so anyone that reads this can understand what's happened.
I have had a tarot deck for a while, so long i dont know how i got it. I didn't buy it..and its a AGMuller 1JJ swiss deck. a little worn but in good condition. I didn't get into it much. so here's my life... I haven't gotten an understanding of the cards yet... I haven't slept much in the past 3 days. maybe 8 hours.
i have done few readings on myself only with the major arcana, not really thinking that the instruction book that camewith the deck is the right one. ...
____ One night about 3 days ago... I had a feeling to do a reading while high 420. So, i smoked with the deck and looked at the artwork on the cover and noticed how it connected with how i draw. after i was done smoking. i took the cards out.. the major arcana, and i started shuffeling them, not the riffle shuffle, just letting it flow. i closed my eyes..and thought about a reading for how things will go tonight.. Then i stared into nothing, and thought nothing for the shuffle.. then i went through the cards one at a time... still with my eyes closed... i went through them fast and i saw a flash of red light.. but i kept going through the whole deck... i did it once more..same thing.. the last time.. i went slower.. on a rhythm, so i could count how many cards back after i saw the flash again.. i saw the flash.. i think i went back 2 cards then, i took that card put it on the top of the deck... and i knew i was done.. so i flipped the deck over..and i was was the same card as on the cover of the deck that i was staring at.. this is part of my post since it is so big.... thank you for reading