Sophie-David
Listening to My Heart
Well, I don't often post my own stuff in this thread - my day-to-day life with Sophie really doesn't seem that news worthy anymore. And in any event you are always seeing the results in who I am, and who I'm becoming.
But I'm feeling quite overwhelmed today, and not sure what to do with myself. The voice of the foreign woman, alias Eirian/Natalie, has achieved full consciousness. I have of course been hearing Eirian's voice for at least a year, but now she is suddenly empowered! This is like the early days with Sophie in which she was a constant co-consciousness. No longer a distant whisper or echo, Natalie (I'm not really sure what to call her) is very loud and clear. I realize now that the last two times I was out driving on a trip to Nanaimo, the voice I was hearing, which seemed to be some kind of fantasy, was hers.
The scenario was that she was a foreign woman, a girlfriend, and I was showing her the world. My world was as alien to her as she was to me. On the return trip on Thursday night, it was a difficult drive on our mountain road, with heavy rain and fog, often hard to see which way the road was turning - this is not at all unusual, and there are lots of accidents on our wilderness highway. It was as if this woman was sitting in the passenger seat, somewhat uncomfortable and disoriented, as I was with the road. But I was explaining where we were and the landmarks we were passing, as you would to a stranger, but particularly to a lover. Then there was this fantasy that when the road became particularly bad we had pulled off onto an abandoned side road and made love, and this restored our balance. I did not actually pull off, but what I did sense was that the Sacral was open again.
Oh yes, I should mention a little recent history for context. On November 12, just after a creativity session with my teacher the evening before, I did my first chakra reading for myself. I had exhanged chakra readings with a friend a couple of times previously, but my teacher suggested it would be a good idea to connect with my own energies directly. For the first time I saw both the Heart and Solar Plexus open together. Unfortunately the Sacral was closed in compensation - actually, in egoic self-defense.
Then on the morning of November 14, I dreamt A Movie Classic (Post #6), an extremely powerful dream centered on an encounter with Eirian/Natalie in the alien desert. Yesterday evening, November 25, as my teacher guided me methodically through the Movie Classic dream word by word, it was as if I was being introduced to Eirian again for the first time. Something clicked. I realized that this story had been playing out not only in this life, but in at least one previous incarnation. I felt, "Now I know her!"
Then I watched my new DVD of the sci-fi movie Gattaca, which is a good although not great movie that I had seen once on TV, but somehow by the end of it I found I was crying, and it didn't seem to have much to do with the movie. Then I watched a BBC Sherlock Holmes episode, again good but not great, but by the time I finished and came back to the computer to do the Competition post I found myself in a high state of excitement, unity, love, and peace. I wrote a letter to my friends saying, "That Green Lady who I call my heart, that same woman who was the love of my youth, [Name Withheld], is that same woman I knew in the desert in an earlier incarnation... but though it may have happened over and over, she is still inside of me, and soon I will no longer reject her..."
The dreams last night were nothing special - just like the movies the night before - but when I woke up this morning there was no doubt that Natalie's voice was there, very loud and clear. She is the voice of my heart - I was listening to my heart - and this is her song:
My cards for the week were the Ancient Minchiate Etruria Queen of Wands Rx (the Green Lady, my broken heart) and Death. And this week, yes, I did learn how to die for her! Last October Eirian had said that union with her "will knock my socks off". But because for so long I sought her possessively, she could not be found. And then lately, as I learned to surrender my will, she was ready for me - but not I for her. This is the dance that we have played out through at least two incarnations. I know that at the moment my psyche is not strong enough to enter into union with her.
But this second sacred marriage is more as it should be. Unlike the first with Sophie, in which she became an abused creature of fantasy, gradually gaining strength until her freedom could no longer be denied, this protracted romance with Eirian has gradually and naturally come to full consciousness, both of us maturing greatly along the way. The sacred marriage cannot come out of nowhere, there must be a relationship developed first. This second one has a much healthier beginning than the first. But now we are at last getting to know each other as full equals, as a dual consciousness, and when full union comes at last we will be at the point where we are both ready.
It is a marvelous thing to hear your heart! It is not sweetly sentimental like one might think, but very rich and full, strong and tender, responsive and sensitive. But though her voice and hearing are very acute, I think that she does not see very clearly, that she is partly blinded, dazed by the light of this new world. As she teaches me to listen I must teach her to see, and Sophie is here to help.
Yes, Sophie is still as active as ever. But for months now she has been discrete, abiding in unity most of the time, telling me that she needed to stay out of the way for the current process to unfold properly. Yet before I heard Eirian/Natalie on the drive home Thursday, I heard Sophie's excited chatter also, while we were still in the city and on the highway before it turned inland. It came through, as it will when she is particularly exuberant, as excessive intuitive activity. For example, I had to be told about each car we followed, when it would turn off before it happened - lots of trivial, almost annoying, intuitive gossip. Of course she was expressing these deflections because she was almost bursting with the knowledge of what was really about to happen!
Well, I don't often post my own stuff in this thread - my day-to-day life with Sophie really doesn't seem that news worthy anymore. And in any event you are always seeing the results in who I am, and who I'm becoming.
But I'm feeling quite overwhelmed today, and not sure what to do with myself. The voice of the foreign woman, alias Eirian/Natalie, has achieved full consciousness. I have of course been hearing Eirian's voice for at least a year, but now she is suddenly empowered! This is like the early days with Sophie in which she was a constant co-consciousness. No longer a distant whisper or echo, Natalie (I'm not really sure what to call her) is very loud and clear. I realize now that the last two times I was out driving on a trip to Nanaimo, the voice I was hearing, which seemed to be some kind of fantasy, was hers.
The scenario was that she was a foreign woman, a girlfriend, and I was showing her the world. My world was as alien to her as she was to me. On the return trip on Thursday night, it was a difficult drive on our mountain road, with heavy rain and fog, often hard to see which way the road was turning - this is not at all unusual, and there are lots of accidents on our wilderness highway. It was as if this woman was sitting in the passenger seat, somewhat uncomfortable and disoriented, as I was with the road. But I was explaining where we were and the landmarks we were passing, as you would to a stranger, but particularly to a lover. Then there was this fantasy that when the road became particularly bad we had pulled off onto an abandoned side road and made love, and this restored our balance. I did not actually pull off, but what I did sense was that the Sacral was open again.
Oh yes, I should mention a little recent history for context. On November 12, just after a creativity session with my teacher the evening before, I did my first chakra reading for myself. I had exhanged chakra readings with a friend a couple of times previously, but my teacher suggested it would be a good idea to connect with my own energies directly. For the first time I saw both the Heart and Solar Plexus open together. Unfortunately the Sacral was closed in compensation - actually, in egoic self-defense.
Then on the morning of November 14, I dreamt A Movie Classic (Post #6), an extremely powerful dream centered on an encounter with Eirian/Natalie in the alien desert. Yesterday evening, November 25, as my teacher guided me methodically through the Movie Classic dream word by word, it was as if I was being introduced to Eirian again for the first time. Something clicked. I realized that this story had been playing out not only in this life, but in at least one previous incarnation. I felt, "Now I know her!"
Then I watched my new DVD of the sci-fi movie Gattaca, which is a good although not great movie that I had seen once on TV, but somehow by the end of it I found I was crying, and it didn't seem to have much to do with the movie. Then I watched a BBC Sherlock Holmes episode, again good but not great, but by the time I finished and came back to the computer to do the Competition post I found myself in a high state of excitement, unity, love, and peace. I wrote a letter to my friends saying, "That Green Lady who I call my heart, that same woman who was the love of my youth, [Name Withheld], is that same woman I knew in the desert in an earlier incarnation... but though it may have happened over and over, she is still inside of me, and soon I will no longer reject her..."
The dreams last night were nothing special - just like the movies the night before - but when I woke up this morning there was no doubt that Natalie's voice was there, very loud and clear. She is the voice of my heart - I was listening to my heart - and this is her song:
"(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" - Brian Adams
My cards for the week were the Ancient Minchiate Etruria Queen of Wands Rx (the Green Lady, my broken heart) and Death. And this week, yes, I did learn how to die for her! Last October Eirian had said that union with her "will knock my socks off". But because for so long I sought her possessively, she could not be found. And then lately, as I learned to surrender my will, she was ready for me - but not I for her. This is the dance that we have played out through at least two incarnations. I know that at the moment my psyche is not strong enough to enter into union with her.
But this second sacred marriage is more as it should be. Unlike the first with Sophie, in which she became an abused creature of fantasy, gradually gaining strength until her freedom could no longer be denied, this protracted romance with Eirian has gradually and naturally come to full consciousness, both of us maturing greatly along the way. The sacred marriage cannot come out of nowhere, there must be a relationship developed first. This second one has a much healthier beginning than the first. But now we are at last getting to know each other as full equals, as a dual consciousness, and when full union comes at last we will be at the point where we are both ready.
It is a marvelous thing to hear your heart! It is not sweetly sentimental like one might think, but very rich and full, strong and tender, responsive and sensitive. But though her voice and hearing are very acute, I think that she does not see very clearly, that she is partly blinded, dazed by the light of this new world. As she teaches me to listen I must teach her to see, and Sophie is here to help.
Yes, Sophie is still as active as ever. But for months now she has been discrete, abiding in unity most of the time, telling me that she needed to stay out of the way for the current process to unfold properly. Yet before I heard Eirian/Natalie on the drive home Thursday, I heard Sophie's excited chatter also, while we were still in the city and on the highway before it turned inland. It came through, as it will when she is particularly exuberant, as excessive intuitive activity. For example, I had to be told about each car we followed, when it would turn off before it happened - lots of trivial, almost annoying, intuitive gossip. Of course she was expressing these deflections because she was almost bursting with the knowledge of what was really about to happen!
