thoughts in my mind before my kitty passed away ...

[LilyE]

Hi everyone, I hope I'm posting in the right section. I really just need someone to talk to about some things, and this forum has always been kind to me before.

I've been trying to develop my divination and abilities for a while now, doing tarot readings, trying to sense fae folk, etc. I've noticed that thoughts would enter my mind when I was trying to focus on the otherwordly, and they'd likely be true, although I could never sense things as extensively as my mentor. For example, I'd know there was a wood spirit somewhere, but she could pick up more on it.

Earlier this week (Monday morning), I had to euthanise my beloved kitty. She was a senior kitty and has been having senior-related health issues, but nothing that made me decide to euthanise her (quality of life was good still). She had a bit of an issue this past week but she was coming out of it. But, one night, she developed respiratory distress and I chose to euthanise her since she wasn't going to come out of it (the vet said) and be the kitty she was. She'd have to be in the ICU and hospitalised.

On Sunday, we bought a betta fish, and I had this thought that probably sprung from an idea of replacement (when people buy a cat when the family cat has passed on). This thought was that bringing a soul into the house means that another has to leave. But I mean, it's a fish and a cat. I've bought fish before without an issue, and I wonder if I only thought it because for the past week I've been trying to assess my cat's quality of life and decide if I should euthanise her or not. Please just tell me that that was my overactive mind and not a warning or anything. I'd hate to think that I set in motion events that caused her to leave me

Also, after she started getting a bit better, we were optimistic and bought her some different food to tempt her, set up her living area to be safer for her. Did our optimism have any effect on anything, do you think? I'd think that positive energy brings positive things...?

This also brings up something else that I'm feeling uneasy over. I had bought some memory foam to place on my mattress, to make things softer for her. It was covered by a sheet and two blankets, and she was lying on it. About 6 hours after we went to sleep, is when her respiratory distress started. I had this thought that the fumes would negatively affect her, but I don't know if that was just paranoia. The vet assured me that it had nothing to do with it, but I still feel like I could have prevented it.

Do you guys think that this--the foam and betta--were just a coincidence? I wasn't trying to "sense" anything, these ideas just popped in my mind. Was I just being paranoid do you think, because the idea of her death has been in my mind for a while?

On Sunday, she had one of the best days she had in a while. Which made me get my hopes up that she is going to be with me for a bit longer. I was giving her attention and she was just rubbing up against my hand, quite a lot. Looking back, I wonder if this is her saying goodbye? It was almost exactly 12 hours later that she went into respiratory distress.

Thank you.

 

[moon_light]

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your kitty. I adore cats and feel that losing one is a tragedy.

It's not your fault that she died. All sorts of things happen all the time and we all have strange thoughts. Sometimes, there are just coincidences. When we're faced with something meaningless –*such as a death – our instinct is to create meaning and try to assert control. You want there to be a reason she died and if you had something to do with it, then, well, you have some amount of control.

But the truth is, there is no purpose or fault in her death. There is nothing you could have done to change things. All living things eventually die. You did the best you could for her, but nature took its course. Nothing you thought could make her die. Trying to make her more comfortable is not a crime. It just happened.

Sometimes, it's easier to make explanations. But some things don't have any. Focus on the good memories you have of your kitty. Feel the love you had for her and that she had for you. You want to remember her with joy, not guilt. Really, it wasn't your fault.

I hope you find comfort and healing in this time.

 

[Ace]

On Sunday, she had one of the best days she had in a while. Which made me get my hopes up that she is going to be with me for a bit longer. I was giving her attention and she was just rubbing up against my hand, quite a lot. Looking back, I wonder if this is her saying goodbye? It was almost exactly 12 hours later that she went into respiratory distress.

Thank you.

I am so sorry at your loss! I have lost kitties too and I know (something) of how you feel.

I doubt you did anything wrong and the doubts you have are a part of the mourning process. But let me tell you a story:

I have lost a lot of cats in my life but Kimmi was the eldest I ever had. She was 19.5 when she died. She was sick so we (my Gddaughter was staying with me) took her to the vet and she collapsed and was comatose while there. But I petted her and talked to her and she seemed to come around a little so we brought her home, planning on taking her back to be put to sleep if she didn't recover by morning.

Later that evening, she revived and walked around a bit, but by morning she was back being comatose and just before we were going to take her back to the vet for the final visit, she died with us petting her and sending her lovingly on her way.

Afterward, my Gddaughter told me that she used to work in a nursing home and sometimes the very old and close to death residents would suddenly perk up and be alert and attentive again. At that point, she told me, the administrators would call the family to come immediately because it mean that the patient was near death. They would come, the patient would see them one last time and then die.

I think you kitty knew it was the end and did that end of life revival and told you how much she loved you and how grateful she was for all you had done for her. She died loved and well treated, always remember that.

I am again so sorry for your loss.
Ace

 

[LilyE]

Thank you both for the replies and kind words, they make me feel so much better about things.

That is a beautiful story, Ace, it was as though she had rallied the last few days, being the kitty she had always been. She has been suffering with a few issues and I had taken her to the vet the Saturday previous, and the vet said her blood work indicated bad liver failure. But she seemed okay, not to be in pain, and she began eating again and walking around so I thought I had a little more time with her. People have mentioned that rallying at the end of their lives to me before, and it makes me feel better if that's what she did. Even when we were in the room where she was going to be euthanised, she perked up for me and moved her head around (in the ICU she was just lying there not moving).

Thank you Moon_light, your words are wise, and make me feel less guilty over things that probably are illogical. I was trying to make her more comfortable and safe in my room, and she had the best weekend before she left this world too. She was absolutely spoiled (like she normally was).

Thank you again.

 

[Briar Rose]

You are a compassionate person that is/was very loyal to your kitty. That was an unselfish act of love on your part, for your decision.

My boyfriend waited until our dog Gino was wailing in pain, and then I had to take Gino at 3 am and he scream the whole ride. Never again would I let that happen to another animal.

You are a great and thoughtful person. You show 100 percent love for your cat. Don't doubt yourself.

I am sorry your kitty crossed over. Have you asked her to send you a message?

Blessings.

 

[danieljuk]

((((LilyE))))
you are asking what if questions about the decision you made and beating yourself up about it. what if it was the bed? or the fish? you said she was old and her quality of life and you took advice from a medical expert! There is plenty of people who have more than one pet! they can all live together! You took decisions and actions in her best interest!

don't beat yourself up, you were extremely compassionate and don't question it because it will make you feel sad! you took that decision and your kitty is now in peace! your broken heart will heal and you won't always feel this raw! No living thing lives forever but your kitty had a nice life for many years in your life

 

[LilyE]

Yeah, I have tended to fret over "what ifs" in the past. I have had more than one pet in the past, we have another cat, and many fish, and even some frogs LOL. I know I'm just worrying over nothing, somewhere in my mind. Thank you for the kinds words and replies, danieljuk and Briar Rose.

Briar Rose, sorry to hear about your Gino, it must've been hard on you. I did try to get a message(s) from her Samhain night, when I was visiting with her, but I can't really make sense of the tarot cards. (If anyone would like to help me, I posted it yesterday in the Readings forum )