What I wanted to ask 2 days ago about a reading I had nearly 20 years ago.


My original question (and why I joined this forum) was to share the ritualistic I had 20 years ago to find out if anyone was familiar with such a ritual I was submitted to using Tarot Cards, and ask the question if it was even possible "did I lose my soul 20 years ago" and if so "is there a way for me to get it back?"

My post was removed however from the non-subscription side of the forum.

As Irrelevant now the question I had 2 days ago is, since I found the answer since then myself with a little more research, I would still like to share my post.

Would also like to thank the moderator here called "Alta" who removed the original post, which was a much less clear to read than the final edit I finished up later that day and am about to post, due to the fact that trying to recall the events of the night of the reading was not easy since the memories where very fractured within my own mind, but writing them out, reading and clearing up the events on paper, also cleaned up the events of that night as I remember them.

But very seriously removing the original post to ask others for the answers and then finding the answers for myself has help me to truly understand what really happened and how the initial shock and fear of thinking I was tricked out of my soul came to pass
has helped me find true clarity.

My next 2 posts wil tell the story about the tarot reading I was submitted to 20 years back, and of how that prophecy has now been fulfilled, at least from my messed up view within fractured memories of the event was 2 days ago before I realised everything I needed to know.


Page 1 of 2 (My spiritual reading)

First let me give you the full events surrounding the tarot reading, I think you would have to know the full story to see if there is a chance I was conned out of my soul, its a very long story and very strange one, like something out of a fairytale, could hardly believe it myself as it was happening to me but time has changed me into a true believer in forces above our own. and my own personal experiences have convinced there are spirits and so for the to be spirits we all must have a soul.

It was 20 yeas ago when I was at university so must I have been around 18 to 21 years old at the time of this experience, I used to be scared of the dark and going to sleep, I used to think I saw ghosts in my bedroom during my sleep, so basically I would lay in bed every night scared to sleep because that's when my room who begin to fill up with random spirit's who's only purpose it seemed to me was to scare the shit out of me like some cruel joke.

This had been going on for years since at least my early teens and stayed with me all those years, of course I never told anybody because who would believe me, they would think I was crazy, I did not want that so I just kept it all to myself and learned lived with it.
Even if now if I ever talk about his with anyone which I rarely do, but whenever I share these past expediences with anyone I say “I used to suffer from sleep paralysis”, not “I used to see ghosts” so its easier to talk about, besides the effects only effected me while I was sleeping so I just leaned to accept it as sleep paralysis to myself and refused to let it effect my life outside of the fear I had of the dark and sleeping which I suffered but had no choice really but to face my fear every night.

But then one night I was out in town and I got talking to this women, was on the pull she was older than me, she must have been in her mid 30's and she was fit, while I was no older than 21, she did not seem strange at first was out to pull and she did I could not wait for her to take me back to her bed, on the way back was when she first passed comment that she was into witchcraft, and could do tarot card reading and wanted to know if I would let her read my cards when we got back, I was obviously like yea sure, thinking this was some kind of girls foreplay not ever really believing she be able to really read tarot cards, but would go with it for the laugh, till that day I never really took any interest in the cards, figured it was just like the star sign readings would be generic just tell me some vague story about the card I randomly picked from the deck, but whatever was willing to give them a go.

When we got back to her place, it was more obvious that she took this witch study more seriously than I gave her credit for, she was not even anything like a Goth, just a very sexy lady in her mid 30's but there was like I study room in here flat, not a posh place a flat in Bulwell, 2 bedrooms flat where she lived alone, 2nd bedroomed was however a very unique place full on dedicated to all kinds witchcraft study and practice, was kind of cool in fact full of crystals and candles pentagons and various artefacts. She had quite a collection unlike anything I had seen before or since, this was obviously a hobby she had put time and effort into collecting, still did not think it all for real, just figured it was a nice collection, but could see what she was telling be about her study of witchcraft was something she was more serious about and took more seriously than I previously had given her credit for.

She even had a Ouija board that caught my eye as she was showing me round this room and her collection of strange but wonderful objects, but when I went to look at the Ouijia Board she covered it up and told me to leave that alone and not to touch it, she even passed comment about its magic is to powerful for someone like me to mess with, I just though she was been silly before things really got strange, was not even thinking about my own haunted dreams, by this point in my life I used to pass it off to myself as just Sleep Paralysis or Bad Reoccurring dreams that I used to suffer from. Did not change the fact it used to scare me when I was alone at night but hardly used to give it a second though during the day.

Watching these spirits standing around my bedroom, come sit on my bed with me or just generally torment my sleep at night was just a custom to me now I was so used to it, used to give me the occasional unexpected unusual extra fright sometimes, like if any of them would come right up and shove there face in my face, was always good way to make me scream and kick out, but most nights they would just ether sit there on the edge of my bed or stand around as if they where just ignoring me like I trying to ignore them, in fact on some occasions I would question if they where even aware of me in a crazy sense of been confused as to, ether this is just all only in my imagination, or am I still sleeping and my dream just happens to be my own bedroom filling up with ghosts like a recurring nightmare, weighted against the possibility I had never really been able to completely discard of this been for real and I'm been cruelly relentlessly haunted almost every night when all I want to do is sleep.

So the fact that this random women pulling me in in Rock city night club, telling me she was into witchcraft, wanting to read my tarot cards, then having a very interesting collection of witchcraft artefacts, never clicked me to think of my own dreams till what she started saying to me next, when she started to genitally suggest or give me reason to suspect that she knew about my dream / supernatural experiences, something that I had never told anyone about ever before in my life, so her bringing these thoughts forward it stated to unsettle my nerves a little.

She pushed easy at first, after she had finished showing me around her room and sharing her interests with me, and hinted something about, “that's enough about me, I want you to tell me about your gift” only then did the thought jump into my head about me seeing ghosts in my room every night, but to this fact I was even myself a sceptic thinking it was more likely I was suffering from Paralysis, even if still had always been at least a little open to maybe this is real and I really do actuality see real ghosts, no matter how unlikely I found the possibility and found Paralysis a more likely explanation and maybe more a self comforting possibility that I could just accept and live with.

So having never told anyone before I was not about to give this deep secret of mine up to this random women I had pulled that night gone back to her place with no matter how much she enjoyed her collection of witchcraft related items hobby.

But she pushed deeper wanted to look at my palms, and started saying things like “you do have a secret you want to tell me, you have never told anyone about this before have you, you don't even believe it yourself”. She was kind of starting to freak me out a little but still could not believe she could possibility know about my dreams or what I was thinking right then since my own dream issues where playing over my mind by this point.

But still I did not take her for real she was just talking shit still in my mind and just teasing with me without even knowing that she had struck a nerve within me, so still did not want her to know what she was saying was striking a nerve and was making me paranoid,

Just stuck everything she was saying so far off even as my own drunken and drug up paranoia, yea not going to hide the full facts that I was out drinking heavy that night and doing at least some Ecstasy, this was the 90's after all and I spend the entire decade nearly in out in clubs and rave clubs loving it all the way, so there is another reason for me and anyone else to doubt the possibility I was seeing real ghosts and not having some kind of drug related reaction to how I was living back then.

But regardless of whatever messed up paranoia was going though my head at this point, and how much of it may have been related to the drugs, still wanted to enjoy this women's company and get down with her that night, and was still up for letting her do the card reading.

I don't even recall the order the next set of events happened, or even if some events where before or after the reading, all I know is everything in my head got really messed up, to the point where by the end of the night I am convinced her witch craft worked, all things surrounding me in the room where for real.

The card reading was more than a reading, least beyond anything I expected, and at some point everything clicked into place, about the dreams which where not even dreams, but i saw evidence enough against my own years of doubt, that I was been haunted for all those years.

Some point that night from going in been sceptic was turned to a true believer even though nothing made any sense, and all I have is a bunch of fractured memories of and events that happened that night, so best I can do to explain what happened is list the memories and what details I remember.

As for what happened when in what order and how much was real or drug related tripping out paranoia your guess is as good as mine, all I recall is some very detailed specific events that I believe happened that night, and the lasting consequences which I still question to ether be the blessing of a cure, the loss of a true gift, or what I now even believe, now everything the cards read to me that day has been fulfilled, the possibility I was conned out of my very soul that night.

Event 1 (A freaky random moment that night)

One event that really freaked me out, is when she said “They come to you for help you know, but you can't help them because you can only see them but you can't hear them” and that was chilling because it had never even occurred to me before that I could not hear them, but she was right, and I began to recall some specific experiences that proved her right.

On many occasions over the years the “Spirits” had literately tried shouting in my face but I had not realised this till that moment, instead when they did this used to just freak me out like they where just tormenting me shoving there face in my face and pulling scary faces, used to make me scream out in fact with fright, would have me rushing out of bed to turn on my lights, close my eyes and hide under my covers, even pray to a god, that I did not even believe in, for them to just leave me alone and go away no matter what they where, dreams, spirits, disfigurements of my imagination, whatever the hell was going on in those occasions I just wanted it to stop, even when believing them to be dreams, more like nightmares, I just wanted the dreams to stop and questioned after years of torment I often worried how long would I have to suffer from Sleep Paralysis / Visions whatever was causing this unnatural situation.

But as soon as she said that for the first time it clicked, they where not trying to scare me they where trying to make me hear them, but this never having ever before even occurred to me, I was freaked out by this notion, this was all the proof I needed to convince me these where not dreams but real, and on top freaked out how this women could possibly know this.

She even knew and saw how bad I was freak out when she said that, and I guess this was why she was trying to push me to tell her about these experiences carefully without diving straight into what she somehow knew about me.

She even tried to calm me down saying its all right, and that I had nothing to fear and that she understood and could help me out even to deal with this, she that started to collect some items like crystals and candles arranging them on the floor somehow and telling me to come and sit with her on the floor inside the pattern she and made with the crystals and candles, explaining to me that nothing whatever happens could harm me as long as I stayed inside the circle we where safe, promising nothing could harm us at all as long as I Stayed inside the circle. I even recall her saying I would not even have to tell her about it if I did not want to and that the cards knew would know what to do try try clam me down, am not sure if this was before, during or after the card reading but I recall joining her in that circle as petrified as when I first started getting the visions when I was just a kid, not sure how old I was when the visions started exactly, am certain I was having them by the time I was 14, buy the time I was 18 to 21 seemed like it was forever as far back as I could remember, although I don't really recall any specific events from a younger age that that.

Event 2 (surroundings went all weird)

As freaked out as I was, pissed up, drugged up that very night to take this next recollection seriously, I recall the entire room changing, everything in there started to look different, like the room was now more like a temple where all her artefacts remained, it also seemed like nothing in there was placed randomly, was more like everything had been arranged within the entire room to serve some purpose and was giving off energy its really hard to explain, but recall the vision and scene of protection and comfort this was providing.

I recall a very warm feeling, more than likely could have just been body heat form the drugs working, but was warm in there whatever maybe warm enough to take your top off get undressed, not sure if I was dressed or undressed at this point, but we I did at some point both end up undressed sleep with each other and the next day I was waking up in bed besides her, was a one night stand but hey, we where after all getting off inside the club and as little as it may add to the supernatural side of the night we where still hot for each other a lot of touchy feeling going on foreplay wise even though all this, am fairly certain I was down to by boxes and she was down to her underwear by the time the cards where out.


Page 2 of 2 (my Reading)

Event 3 (what I can recall of the actual card reading)

She had her cards wrapped up with some kind of cloth within a small wooden chest, and carefully unwrapped them, and started to explain a little about what she was about to do and what I had to do so she could read the cards.

She explained that she had to take very good care of the cards, and nobody else was ever allowed to touch them except her. I think I recall her explained something about that the cards been there own Spirit or Entity, and that's why she had to be so careful with them, because she was was taking care of the Spirit / Entity that possessed the cards.

Not sure how cards work still to this day, this night like every other night just faded away over time, of course I though about it since to try am make sense of what exactly happened that night but though passing thoughts not real research, something different more recent has jogged this entire memory back into full force where I really feel that I have to know what happened that night.

But I know for certain she did not want me to touch the cards, she was very forceful on this fact even and serious that she would stop everything and put them away if I did so I had to be careful even when choosing a card not to touch and to only point, as to her reasons for this I have no idea but she believed even if I was still sceptic but non-the-less was happy to respect her wishes like with the “Ouija Board”, was after all her place and her things.

She told me there where different techniques to reading cards, without going into much Detail on any given technique, but she wanted me to try one way specifically, again not sure about the factors involved in this or any other techniques, but I know it involved more than 3 cards, can't recall exactly how many but they where in a specific shape when she placed them, this shape I think was determined by the order they where selected, I think it resembled like a cross was at least 5 cards, maybe more, there was a definite order that she was placing the cards however but only she truly knew what she was doing to create this pattern.

Also she wanted me to perform some kind of meditation as to clear my mind of any questions, she wanted the cards to pick themselves, she even told me I would be drawn towards the cards without thinking about it, and to my surprise I was, whatever she did to guide my mind to remain still as the cards where been selected it worked to a point that I was astonished.

I 100% felt something pull me to each card in turn that was out of my own control, even at the end once all card where drawn not a single card I felt with every sense of my being was not the exact card in the exact order they where somehow drawn to me.

I don't recall the cards I chose specifically, I don't recall exactly how many cards formed the reading, nor do I recall the exact shape they where set out.

The only card I knew of for sure is was part of a tarot deck was “Death”, this card I can confirm with 100% certainty was NOT one of the cards chosen, I know this for 100% certain because it's the one I was scared I might draw and was huge relief when did't get it.

I can also remember very clearly the moment when first looked at the cards myself, this was even before she went though and give me her reading of them, I knew exactly what they all meant myself before she could even read them to confirm what I could already see.

I saw my life in those cards for real, I saw exactly the reflection of my own past, I saw where I was at that exact moment, and I saw exactly where I was going in the future with clarity.

The future been untold at this point, however it was the exact match of my own ambition, those cards showed me I would get everything I ever wanted in life, that I would want for nothing. And this has come true.

I started my own business when I left university, it only grew exactly like I wanted it to and by the time I was 28 it was exactly where I wanted it to be. The cards showed me this would happen.

I am 38 now and retired retired last October when I was 37, sold up never to look back and have chosen the easy life, its not like I have the money to burn, but I have set myself up for life, I have loved my first year of retirement and could not me happier, I though back then I wanted my own successful business, the cards shown me I would have this, I wanted women, the cards showed me I would have them also

In fact there where a lot of female figures that somehow represented beauty in all my past present and future, and I have and have had that. I did not know then I would want to retire before I was 40 but by the time I was 30 that was already my plan, and I think the card even showed me that would happen when I think back.

It was a beautiful reading comforting, relieving, it showed my fears of my past but strength to pull though, it showed me how that very moment I would overcome every obstetrical effortlessly how everything would simply fall into place exactly how I wanted it to, and now when I think back everything future related has now been fulfilled as accurately as I was able to see my own past and present in those cards.

Without even knowing the exact cards or there meanings, I recall seeing the pattern formed as one picture where I could see every point even in-between the cards. The meaning of every card and there connection to one another was very clear to me the moment I first saw them laid out. It was like looking at a storybook image of my life and my understanding of them clicked with unbelievably accuracy.

The meaning of each individual card seemed irrelevant it was so clear as one complete picture, I picture that jumped out at me that was undeniably accura, I could even see exactly when each point was in my life, the images I knew would run out even by the time I was 40, not sure how I new it but when I was looking at the cards in that moment it all seem so obvious, was a unforgettable moment even to see my life span from back when I was 14 to when I was 40, could almost not believe my own eye see how well this reading had worked.

There where least 3 the same card, well not the same card but 3 cards showing the same image. This I instantly noticed was my personal fortune, represented gold or wealth, although I dont remember the exact details and images on the cards I can briefly explain what I saw and how this instantly imturprited by myself, am not sure if this is common, but I was able to read my own cards instantly like in a way that was gifted.

The first of the 3 cards showing this given image showed the personal wealth to be small I think the image was a cup or a sword, not exactly sure, but it was an object at that object appearing and growing in size as the cards swept though my timeline showed me accurately that I would gain wealth from low beginnings, enough to have everything I wanted in life.

There were women on at least a couple of the cards also, I think at least one even displayed multiple women on the same card, I am having a really hard time trying to recall each individual card but the memory of the links between the storybook images I was getting from looking at the entire selection together remains very clear, and that definitely showed me that I would have many women in my life

Both have coem true,
Do I have a serious relationship? No
Do I want one? No not really.

This as vain as it sounds when written, I have to bring it up now although I not one to want to make out I am bragging about my sex life and number of Women I have involved its just how my life planned out, exactly as predicted, and this is leading to a very serious final question where this information may become relevant in the recent more disturbing conclusions I think I have come to realise in not having a soul, the way I have treated women been one factor in many that I am soulless and have been unknowingly since the reading and am only realising this now after fulfilment of what I saw in the cards.

Even tho I have always though myself to treat women the right way always throughout my whole life, this maybe have been a deceptive factor I now realise, I can now see that my actions have probably caused a lot of hurt, I used to think they women I where going with where on my asme wavelength and to be free spirited, say with one guy for a few weeks maybe then move on to the next .

For some examples on how I may have done wrong by many women, without even realising it.

1. I have had married women want to leave there husbands to be with me.

2. When I have tried toy'd with been serious in some past relationship, I have never once been fateful or even tried to remain so.

3. I don't thing I have ever put a woman's feelings before my own sexual desires.

4. I am guilty on many occasions of leading women on, then getting board of them moving them along and moving to the next, in fact I am probably going though women like this least 3 or 4 on the go at any given time.

5. Even if point 4 is true I cant find a shred of care within myself about any of the women I have been with and left, or anyone else for that matter, I have never really loved only used people, not only within my love life but thought my entire life.

Something showed a great horror in my past, a tournament, this represented the dreams I was having, or visits, drug illusionists take your pick.

These are gone now, they stopped happening never to return ever since that exact night. So something happened that night I am certain that stopped me having these strange dreams.

Funny thing is once this "gift" was gone, I missed having it I feel this was an ability stole from me without my permission that night. I feel and felt something missing in my life without been able to have these dreams, never really understood why especially with everything else in my waking life working out so well. So why would I want crazy nightmares back?

Answer: Well maybe because I never understood them till that night, the “I can't hear them” comment rang home so true, but it felt like the dreams / visits happened for a reason and just when I discovered what I was missing in order to find that reason they where taken from me.

I have in the past even tried studying lucid dreams and such techniques to manifest Lucid Dreaming hoping to recover those lost dreams but never been able to come close to regaining a dream to even closely resemble what I would consider a been visited by a spirit. More evidence in my mind they where no dreams and real event, and the ability to see them is gone since this experience.

Even 4 (what I always though stopped my dreams, thinking back in the past to that night)

I recall and have always recalled a moment that night which stands out clearly above all else.

Yet a complete hallucination by any rational standards, I have alway recalled this moment as what caused me to loose my ability.

I recall been somewhere else with something else leading me though, what I though to be the corridors of my mind, while in a very hallucinogenic state.

Where or when in the time line I was as I was experienced this moment, I have no idea, In possible I was passed out in a drug haze rushing on ecstasy, passed out someone where random, before, during or after the cards where read again I can't recall this memory is so fractured within the nights timeline.

But I recall, waking though a corridor been lead by all I can describe as an entity, its purpose I have no clue, was it good or evil, again no idea, its identity is a complete mystery to me.

Can't recall looking at it, or even if it had a visual appearance, nor do I recall a visual of been able to see myself at this point, all I can recall are the corridors and the door at the end of this very tripped out journey.

I have do now fear that this was where my mind was when under meditation selecting the cards for a number of reasons as follows.

1. I was been lead though the corridors like I was been lead to each card.

2. There where many different paths down these corridors that I could have turned, like the options I could have made if choosing different cards.

3. I was been lead by an unknown entity though the corridors, just in the same way an unknown force was leading be to each card I chose while in this state of meditation, like I had been hypnotised before selecting the cards, and the guiding that the women I was with used to take me into meditation was the exact same as hypnotism.

The end of the corridors I was however given a choice and made to perform one of 2 simple actions, the end of the corridors and this hypnotic trick was represented as an open door with a light shining out of it, and it felt I had 2 options, I could ether walk though the door or close the door.

The options felt so imbalanced however that there really was only one option which was to close the door, to close the door felt like my only means of instant survival, to walk though the door felt like instant death in that very moment, I fear now this may have been a trickster demon or even Satan, giving me these 2 options in this very unfair way.

I also feel that I was tricked after into believing that the only effect closing that door really had on me was stopping the ability to see spirits I fear growing up during sleep. however as crazy as it sounds now 20 years later just as I feel that every prediction given in the cards that night has been fulfilled, and I have less than 2 years max till the end of the timeline I saw in my cards that night.

Now I believe closing that door represented closing a deal with the entity I was with that was guiding me, and I believe that deal was for the cards to be fulfilled as exactly how it has been and the price was my soul.

If this true now that I have finished receiving what was promised in the cards, what does this mean, and also has anyone ever seen a case like this one before, where Tarot cards have been abused in this fashion, does, I know know one to ask or talk to about this who would understand, am just hoping maybe a reader or expert one the cards maybe able to clarify the immediate position I am in, since I honestly believe if I did sell my soul that night then I have less than 2 years left till the end of the entire card time line I was given and I can think of nothing left in that deal that has not already been given.

Since I was also able to read my own cards, and this was confirmed 100% again when the women read them back to me, it was like I knew exactly what she was going to tell me even before she gave her interpretation of the reading, and we both had the exact same interpretation, she even knew I was able to also see what the cards where saying to me that night, despite the fact I had never seen or studied anything about them before, and believe I knew what they where saying because I was my life and the and the life I was been given in the deal with the entity when choosing the card. I hope I am wrong becasue I really don't like the idea that I have been tricked into selling my soul, and am hoping someone knows who maybe familiar with the kind of ritualistic reading I was given, thank you.


These are just my thoughts on your experiences for you to ponder and firstly a question for you:

1. From this whole experience what is/are your greatest fear/s?

2. You cannot sell/lose your soul.

3. I think you probably had/still have mediumistic abilities (seeing spirits that have passed over/died) and when you "closed the door" you closed/shut down those abilities that night. Another thing i would say is this gift wasn't stolen from you as it's is a gift from the "Divine/God/Higher power or whatever you believe in, you chose to shut it off.

4. I don't believe tarot cards can predict that far in the future (e.g. for the rest of your life) because there are too many things that can change (free will). Your actions affects others and also the actions of others can affect you. For example (to try and make it simple), i read your cards and say after you leave here you will turn left but you then decide to turn right, that action has already changed the outcome/events to come...

5. You said that you had taken ecstasy that night so how can you be sure exactly what happened that night (the mind is a very powerful thing especially under outside influences (drugs).

6. Per post above - Your thoughts (mind) shape/create your reality so always think in positive terms (what you think about you attract).

7. My truth is that we already know all the answers to our questions about this earthly life, we just need to be still and look within, the answers are there so maybe that's what you were tapping into when she was reading your cards (with you being in a more relaxed state due to the ecstasy).

8. The women thing - You know it's your life and you're entitled to live it however you please (your choice/free will) but since you are mentioning it i would question how happy/fulfilling this is for you... I would hazard a guess that as life simply reflects things back at you (in time), i think a woman will appear that you will want a commitment from and she will say "sorry i'm not interested in anything serious or a commitment" and the shoe will be on the other foot lol.

This is just my 2 cents and my thoughts... for your reflection...


I agree with WhiteWolfy, shutting down this faculty didn't result in your soul being sold. I've known many people who could see spirits, but it frightened them so much, they just shut it down. Also, many people come to a point in their lives that they want to reopen the channel, and they've had success.

As for the lack of attachment to women and other people's plights, is it possible you are on the Asperger's spectrum? I have some experience with this so I thought I'd throw it out there, as a lot of what you described in your personality struck a chord. I don't think I'd call it a lack of empathy, but an ability to be and to remain detached. It's like a survival strategy.


My original question (and why I joined this forum) was to share the ritualistic I had 20 years ago to find out if anyone was familiar with such a ritual I was submitted to using Tarot Cards, and ask the question if it was even possible "did I lose my soul 20 years ago" and if so "is there a way for me to get it back?"

Without reading your story in detail, I think it's not possible to lose your soul. You ARE your soul. The soul can become blocked or clouded by the ego, but it can't disappear. If it were gone, you'd be gone. Your body would just be an empty shell with no mind and no life.

The fact that you've acted somewhat selfishly, doesn't mean you don't have a soul. It just means you're not living from the place of love, i.e. trying to see everyone and everything as equally worthy as you - worth respect, kindness and admiration in its own right.


Without reading your story in detail, I think it's not possible to lose your soul. You ARE your soul. The soul can become blocked or clouded by the ego, but it can't disappear. If it were gone, you'd be gone. Your body would just be an empty shell with no mind and no life.

The fact that you've acted somewhat selfishly, doesn't mean you don't have a soul. It just means you're not living from the place of love, i.e. trying to see everyone and everything as equally worthy as you - worth respect, kindness and admiration in its own right.
I agree with saskia. Also that if you'd taken E, what you recall is highly suspect anyway.