brenmck
THE ADDICTION SPREAD:
...2...5
1...4...7
...3...6
1. What's the underlying cause of my addiction? XIX The Sun
At first glance this looked a lot like one of those Tarot pranks I occasionally draw. How do this glowing child and bright enlightenment fit into a reading about a full-blown addiction? But rather than playing a prank, the cards and guides wanted me to dig, to intuit, to see them on myself. All right, with no blushes from this face, I will say that I have been from a very early age a seeker, and this spiritual being having a human experience has apparently asked for a challenging go of it. The program that pulled me up from alcoholism to solid citizenship was my adult initiation into a manner and quality of living life that is “a daily reprieve, contingent upon our spiritual condition.” It opened the door to the many mansions, and I have joyfully explored many floors. I believed that the most horrific battle of my life was behind me, and that has borne out. But, ah – the still, small and subtle voice that prods and nags! It wonders, “If you followed old Tom Merton into Gethsemani Abbey, where would you ever manage to sneak a smoke?” Or, “If you journeyed to Tibet and were welcomed to share the life of the monks, how many cartons of cigarettes would you need to take?” These questions had to be posed humorously, you understand, even ridiculously, or I would have never seen how serious the implications are.
But what about it? What if along with such invitations I’d have to accept nicotine withdrawal as part of the package, and completely miss the experience because of this self-imposed preoccupying misery? So here is where I rebel – that which I want most ardently for myself I find a way to make impossible. And here is exactly where this Sun is trying to shine.
2. How have I contributed to it? VIII of Pentacles
From adolescence to middle age I have woven nicotine addiction into the fabric of my life. From my first day of quitting, January 12, ’07 I have become conscious of how much of my day included smoking, revolved around it, depended on it; how much I planned for it, how much of my routine relied on it. Alcoholic drinking or the use of hard drugs certainly is a chasm of remove from what we recognize as reality, but this nicotine allowed me little escapes from the present throughout the day and night; a reprieve, a time-out, a sort of free zone where the relentless linear march of time was softened, paused. My theory at the moment was that I created this zone to escape; smoking does take one out of the present. But again, the humor – life is good, what are we escaping? Sometimes these addictive substances seem to have a mind of their own, or if not a mind then at least an agenda.
3. How has my surrounding contributed to it? Ace of Cups
I really did love the rebellion; I couldn’t possibly list all the ways. Here is the best one – Dad let me smoke in his presence from when I was fourteen, on the golf course and down in the basement sanctum just to get even with dear old Mom. I don’t know which of us enjoyed that aspect the most. When Mom would catch me there would be a terrifically emotional scene – no “thinking man’s filter” here. (Try finding the "adult" in this picture.)
Role models – all the famous jazz musicians smoked, my heroes. Of course a lot of them shot heroin in those days too, so thank goodness that just plain horrified me.
And later on I did actually love the act of smoking, and not only cigarettes but the famous Irish Peterson pipes and decent cigars. That’s the tough part.
4. Which part of my life is being more affected by this addiction? VII of Wands
I see this as my inner, spiritual life because of the restrictions I placed on it. The above examples of nicotine keeping me away from places I would love to explore are not as farfetched as perhaps I’ve cast them. And to “fight” for these regular breaks from the present, appropriately called “the smoke break” – what’s the idea here? I see it as partially a fear of becoming entirely involved with whatever life is offering at the moment. Sounds a little drastic, but take it to its logical conclusion – it’s always a break, a pause, an escape, a zone of unavailability to ward off the situation and its people. I catch myself believing that I get depressed, but the VII says to rise above it and remember that this is a large task and it will take its toll for a time. If the fire didn’t still burn, if the Kingdom were not still within you, you wouldn’t be putting yourself through this. Choose your battle and put all your horses in it.
5. What can I do to quit? XI Justice
At the moment this means to me to combine all rational and spiritual resources and get through this – it is the right decision and it is the time to do it. It’s as simple as that – simple, but not without all the competent and unseen assistance that I’m willing to ask for.
I have The Sun and Justice as my two Majors - the Force is with me!
6. What will happen if I don't stop? III of Swords
I have this vision of the chaplain visiting me in the Fade-Away Campground of the Lake City VA Hospital and saying, “Geez, Chief, you were in such good shape except for that one thing. Too bad you didn’t want to quit.”
7. What will happen if I do? V of Wands
There’s no greater joy than the joy of “bearing arms against a sea of trouble and by opposing end them,” and that’s what I’m giving myself here. Sure, there’s a feeling of loss, the old-friend, the tobacco gene’s last stand, but there’s hard evidence that it can be beat. Honestly, I did enjoy smoking all those years, but not enough to give my life to it. Yes, I do feel better, and I think better. It’s all better. And it’s good to feel that I’m keeping myself in the game.
~B~
...2...5
1...4...7
...3...6
1. What's the underlying cause of my addiction? XIX The Sun
At first glance this looked a lot like one of those Tarot pranks I occasionally draw. How do this glowing child and bright enlightenment fit into a reading about a full-blown addiction? But rather than playing a prank, the cards and guides wanted me to dig, to intuit, to see them on myself. All right, with no blushes from this face, I will say that I have been from a very early age a seeker, and this spiritual being having a human experience has apparently asked for a challenging go of it. The program that pulled me up from alcoholism to solid citizenship was my adult initiation into a manner and quality of living life that is “a daily reprieve, contingent upon our spiritual condition.” It opened the door to the many mansions, and I have joyfully explored many floors. I believed that the most horrific battle of my life was behind me, and that has borne out. But, ah – the still, small and subtle voice that prods and nags! It wonders, “If you followed old Tom Merton into Gethsemani Abbey, where would you ever manage to sneak a smoke?” Or, “If you journeyed to Tibet and were welcomed to share the life of the monks, how many cartons of cigarettes would you need to take?” These questions had to be posed humorously, you understand, even ridiculously, or I would have never seen how serious the implications are.
But what about it? What if along with such invitations I’d have to accept nicotine withdrawal as part of the package, and completely miss the experience because of this self-imposed preoccupying misery? So here is where I rebel – that which I want most ardently for myself I find a way to make impossible. And here is exactly where this Sun is trying to shine.
2. How have I contributed to it? VIII of Pentacles
From adolescence to middle age I have woven nicotine addiction into the fabric of my life. From my first day of quitting, January 12, ’07 I have become conscious of how much of my day included smoking, revolved around it, depended on it; how much I planned for it, how much of my routine relied on it. Alcoholic drinking or the use of hard drugs certainly is a chasm of remove from what we recognize as reality, but this nicotine allowed me little escapes from the present throughout the day and night; a reprieve, a time-out, a sort of free zone where the relentless linear march of time was softened, paused. My theory at the moment was that I created this zone to escape; smoking does take one out of the present. But again, the humor – life is good, what are we escaping? Sometimes these addictive substances seem to have a mind of their own, or if not a mind then at least an agenda.
3. How has my surrounding contributed to it? Ace of Cups
I really did love the rebellion; I couldn’t possibly list all the ways. Here is the best one – Dad let me smoke in his presence from when I was fourteen, on the golf course and down in the basement sanctum just to get even with dear old Mom. I don’t know which of us enjoyed that aspect the most. When Mom would catch me there would be a terrifically emotional scene – no “thinking man’s filter” here. (Try finding the "adult" in this picture.)
Role models – all the famous jazz musicians smoked, my heroes. Of course a lot of them shot heroin in those days too, so thank goodness that just plain horrified me.
And later on I did actually love the act of smoking, and not only cigarettes but the famous Irish Peterson pipes and decent cigars. That’s the tough part.
4. Which part of my life is being more affected by this addiction? VII of Wands
I see this as my inner, spiritual life because of the restrictions I placed on it. The above examples of nicotine keeping me away from places I would love to explore are not as farfetched as perhaps I’ve cast them. And to “fight” for these regular breaks from the present, appropriately called “the smoke break” – what’s the idea here? I see it as partially a fear of becoming entirely involved with whatever life is offering at the moment. Sounds a little drastic, but take it to its logical conclusion – it’s always a break, a pause, an escape, a zone of unavailability to ward off the situation and its people. I catch myself believing that I get depressed, but the VII says to rise above it and remember that this is a large task and it will take its toll for a time. If the fire didn’t still burn, if the Kingdom were not still within you, you wouldn’t be putting yourself through this. Choose your battle and put all your horses in it.
5. What can I do to quit? XI Justice
At the moment this means to me to combine all rational and spiritual resources and get through this – it is the right decision and it is the time to do it. It’s as simple as that – simple, but not without all the competent and unseen assistance that I’m willing to ask for.
I have The Sun and Justice as my two Majors - the Force is with me!
6. What will happen if I don't stop? III of Swords
I have this vision of the chaplain visiting me in the Fade-Away Campground of the Lake City VA Hospital and saying, “Geez, Chief, you were in such good shape except for that one thing. Too bad you didn’t want to quit.”
7. What will happen if I do? V of Wands
There’s no greater joy than the joy of “bearing arms against a sea of trouble and by opposing end them,” and that’s what I’m giving myself here. Sure, there’s a feeling of loss, the old-friend, the tobacco gene’s last stand, but there’s hard evidence that it can be beat. Honestly, I did enjoy smoking all those years, but not enough to give my life to it. Yes, I do feel better, and I think better. It’s all better. And it’s good to feel that I’m keeping myself in the game.
~B~
